Too Old For Mr Right?
March 21, 2011 2:21 PM Subscribe
My relationship with 'the one' ended about 6 months ago. We were together 5 years and I'm now 32. As a woman, I'd like to get married and have children sometime in the next decade. I just feel like it's never gonna happen. Any encouraging words from those that found love after their prime 'love-finding' years?
Mostly my concern is that I don't meet many men these days (no school, I'm too old for bars/clubs, work is not appropriate, etc). Dating online seems to be a waste of time.
Generally, I'm happy... good career, good friends (albeit all married), frequent activities, trips, etc.
Is it hopeless? :)
Mostly my concern is that I don't meet many men these days (no school, I'm too old for bars/clubs, work is not appropriate, etc). Dating online seems to be a waste of time.
Generally, I'm happy... good career, good friends (albeit all married), frequent activities, trips, etc.
Is it hopeless? :)
Oh, to repeat what I said in those 2 threads:
I (male, 49) just married a woman more wonderful than I could have ever imagined or hoped for. So it's never too late.
And I met her online.
posted by The Deej at 2:26 PM on March 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
I (male, 49) just married a woman more wonderful than I could have ever imagined or hoped for. So it's never too late.
And I met her online.
posted by The Deej at 2:26 PM on March 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
I'm too old for bars/clubs
Whaa? You're 32, not 102. I met my beau at pub trivia when I was 32.
Dating online seems to be a waste of time.
Not always. I know tons of people who met their spouses through online dating.
posted by amro at 2:26 PM on March 21, 2011 [10 favorites]
Whaa? You're 32, not 102. I met my beau at pub trivia when I was 32.
Dating online seems to be a waste of time.
Not always. I know tons of people who met their spouses through online dating.
posted by amro at 2:26 PM on March 21, 2011 [10 favorites]
I met the love of my life online when I was 36 (though we narrowly missed meeting IRL about a year earlier); we're together 6 years later and still happy as clams. We don't have kids, but only because we chose not to go down that route, and then my medical problems intervened. We may still adopt.
It's only hopeless if you give up hope.
posted by scody at 2:27 PM on March 21, 2011 [3 favorites]
It's only hopeless if you give up hope.
posted by scody at 2:27 PM on March 21, 2011 [3 favorites]
Not sure why you think online dating is a waste of time. I know several people who have had success finding love, and in one case happy marriage and children through online dating. These people don't really have a lot in common other than I know them all.
Don't think of it as "online dating." Think of it as a way to meet people.
Good luck.
posted by jeff-o-matic at 2:28 PM on March 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
Don't think of it as "online dating." Think of it as a way to meet people.
Good luck.
posted by jeff-o-matic at 2:28 PM on March 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
"prime love finding years" ?
I'd take some time to reflect upon my framework of perspective on the world first. There's a biological clock, if that is what you are referring to, but I don't think they set a timer for love.
posted by infini at 2:29 PM on March 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'd take some time to reflect upon my framework of perspective on the world first. There's a biological clock, if that is what you are referring to, but I don't think they set a timer for love.
posted by infini at 2:29 PM on March 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
(oh, and I should point out that I found my guy after I'd already been through a divorce and a serious post-divorce relationship that, at one point, was heading toward engagement. And as for "the one," here are some brief thoughts on that concept.)
posted by scody at 2:33 PM on March 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by scody at 2:33 PM on March 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
I've had three "The Ones". I am now 43, and I met the man I'm sure I'll be with for the rest of my life at 35.
posted by RedEmma at 2:35 PM on March 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by RedEmma at 2:35 PM on March 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
If they were "the one", you'd be with them. They weren't "the one". You're probably still in mourning for the old relationship. That can't be good for potential suitors.
You're not hopeless, but the moment you start saying stuff like online dating is a waste of time, then you are moving that way. Know what online dating is now? It's just dating. And you have to do that until you find the person you want to be with. It's a hard position to fill, that's why the search to find the right candidate isn't easy. But it's not impossible.
Good luck. :)
posted by inturnaround at 2:37 PM on March 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
You're not hopeless, but the moment you start saying stuff like online dating is a waste of time, then you are moving that way. Know what online dating is now? It's just dating. And you have to do that until you find the person you want to be with. It's a hard position to fill, that's why the search to find the right candidate isn't easy. But it's not impossible.
Good luck. :)
posted by inturnaround at 2:37 PM on March 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
married 21 years. divorced. single 5 years. re-married in my 50s. Now have 2 children from 2nd marriage and that marriage now in 27th year
posted by Postroad at 2:40 PM on March 21, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by Postroad at 2:40 PM on March 21, 2011 [4 favorites]
Just chiming in to say I also met the love of my life via online dating.... but it's like any other dating in that it sometimes takes a bunch of false starts/bad dates before you meet someone awesome. So don't rule it out entirely. And you are in no way "too old for Mr. Right" :)
posted by torisaur at 2:43 PM on March 21, 2011
posted by torisaur at 2:43 PM on March 21, 2011
Dating online seems to be a waste of time.
"Dating online" is a misnomer. Online dating just means finding people online, to date them normally.
Why do you think it's a waste of time? Have you tried it?
posted by John Cohen at 2:52 PM on March 21, 2011 [5 favorites]
"Dating online" is a misnomer. Online dating just means finding people online, to date them normally.
Why do you think it's a waste of time? Have you tried it?
posted by John Cohen at 2:52 PM on March 21, 2011 [5 favorites]
I'm too old for bars/clubs
huh. All the bars I go to are filed with smart and attractive people in their 30s. Go out with some friends and see for yourself.
Dating online seems to be a waste of time.
That might have been a somewhat true a decade ago but not now. Online dating has come a long way and the current pool of potential matches in any major city is huge. Your chances of meeting someone via a dating site is significantly higher than any random bar/club encounter.
posted by special-k at 2:54 PM on March 21, 2011
huh. All the bars I go to are filed with smart and attractive people in their 30s. Go out with some friends and see for yourself.
Dating online seems to be a waste of time.
That might have been a somewhat true a decade ago but not now. Online dating has come a long way and the current pool of potential matches in any major city is huge. Your chances of meeting someone via a dating site is significantly higher than any random bar/club encounter.
posted by special-k at 2:54 PM on March 21, 2011
In late 2009 I was 34, barely employed, divorced, recently moved back to my home town after 17 years away. For lack of anything whatsoever to do, I was watching TV at my sister's house twice a week. I felt like I was on the train to Losertown. I didn't want another serious relationship because it was exhausting thinking about getting to know someone again. I was that burnt out. I went to bars, by myself, and that didn't last long because I felt as though I looked like a creep, sitting there drinking by myself. (Frankly, it depends on where you go -- there are twentysomething bars, and "grown-up" bars, in my opinion.)
Anyway, I was not completely without hope and I created an online dating profile for the first time ever. I began exchanging emails with several friendly women in their late 20s to late 30s, but for one reason or another, never arranged a meeting. One person's profile caught my attention because she mentioned a book I had just read. So i sent her an email and we met for coffee a few days later.
Blah, blah, blah, we're getting married in June.
posted by Buffaload at 3:01 PM on March 21, 2011 [6 favorites]
Anyway, I was not completely without hope and I created an online dating profile for the first time ever. I began exchanging emails with several friendly women in their late 20s to late 30s, but for one reason or another, never arranged a meeting. One person's profile caught my attention because she mentioned a book I had just read. So i sent her an email and we met for coffee a few days later.
Blah, blah, blah, we're getting married in June.
posted by Buffaload at 3:01 PM on March 21, 2011 [6 favorites]
I met my boyfriend on an online dating site when I was 34 and he was 42. That was in 2008. We're still very happily together.
posted by SisterHavana at 3:01 PM on March 21, 2011
posted by SisterHavana at 3:01 PM on March 21, 2011
Mr. F and I got married when I was 32 and he was 36-- his first marriage and my second. My BIL got married in his 40s, first marriage to a woman with a son from her previous marriage, and they added a son to the family last year.
It works out.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 3:07 PM on March 21, 2011
It works out.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 3:07 PM on March 21, 2011
I'm 36 and single -- are you telling me I, too, should give up? That it's hopeless for me?
Life's circumstances bring us to where we are, for better or for worse.
Online dating is a great way to very quickly access people beyond your immediate circle of friends most of whom have exactly the same goal -- to get a date, or two or three.
But it's not the only way and you might like to think of it as an adjunct to your general "putting yourself out there" activities.
posted by prettypretty at 3:10 PM on March 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
Life's circumstances bring us to where we are, for better or for worse.
Online dating is a great way to very quickly access people beyond your immediate circle of friends most of whom have exactly the same goal -- to get a date, or two or three.
But it's not the only way and you might like to think of it as an adjunct to your general "putting yourself out there" activities.
posted by prettypretty at 3:10 PM on March 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
Another thought: since one of your concerns is finding someone relatively soon, online dating will be especially useful.
Think about the time it would take you to find someone reasonably eligible without online dating. Not necessarily the love of your life, but just passing the basic thresholds of "I'd be willing to go on one date with this person" (since that's a precondition to finding the love of your life). Unless you happen to have an obvious candidate within your immediate social circle, it's a pretty tough process. You have to be on the lookout for people who pass so many tests: the right gender and age. Sufficiently attractive, successful, ambitious, personable, law-abiding, etc. Not married or in a relationship. Not gay. And on and on.
Maybe you refuse to date a Republican, or you will only date someone of your religion, or you won't date anyone who is devoutly religious, or you won't date a smoker, or you won't date someone who's not OK with dating a smoker -- I have no idea since I don't know anything about you. If any of these kinds of things apply (and I'm guessing you do have your dealbreakers), that makes the process all the harder.
Bottom line: using traditional means, it could take a long time to find just one person to date. And any given date is more likely than not to lead nowhere.
Now, think about online dating. You take a few minutes to sign up, and you can immediately search for everyone in your town of the right age and gender, and maybe those other characteristics if those are important to you too (education level, religion, politics, habits, etc.). Very quickly, you can make a list of men who are in your age range, who seem reasonably attractive and reasonably compatible with you. Take another hour or so, and you can put up at least a basic profile for yourself.
Yes, of course, the profiles can be deceptive. People are deceptive in real life too: they lie, or they look a lot more attractive than they really are because of the bar's low light. My point isn't that everything goes swimmingly with online dating, but that you can almost immediately generate a long list of possibilities and start communicating with them right away. Each of those communications has a certain likelihood of leading to real-life dates, and you know the rest...
I'm not saying you should feel insanely rushed: as I said, most dates are duds, so the process still takes time. But online dating can often be the most efficient way to use your time in the dating world.
I think it's totally fine to dislike online dating and prefer something else. If there's some other method you prefer that works for you, obviously, go for it. But if there isn't another option you're enthusiastic about, then I don't see how it makes sense to dismiss online dating.
posted by John Cohen at 3:14 PM on March 21, 2011 [6 favorites]
Think about the time it would take you to find someone reasonably eligible without online dating. Not necessarily the love of your life, but just passing the basic thresholds of "I'd be willing to go on one date with this person" (since that's a precondition to finding the love of your life). Unless you happen to have an obvious candidate within your immediate social circle, it's a pretty tough process. You have to be on the lookout for people who pass so many tests: the right gender and age. Sufficiently attractive, successful, ambitious, personable, law-abiding, etc. Not married or in a relationship. Not gay. And on and on.
Maybe you refuse to date a Republican, or you will only date someone of your religion, or you won't date anyone who is devoutly religious, or you won't date a smoker, or you won't date someone who's not OK with dating a smoker -- I have no idea since I don't know anything about you. If any of these kinds of things apply (and I'm guessing you do have your dealbreakers), that makes the process all the harder.
Bottom line: using traditional means, it could take a long time to find just one person to date. And any given date is more likely than not to lead nowhere.
Now, think about online dating. You take a few minutes to sign up, and you can immediately search for everyone in your town of the right age and gender, and maybe those other characteristics if those are important to you too (education level, religion, politics, habits, etc.). Very quickly, you can make a list of men who are in your age range, who seem reasonably attractive and reasonably compatible with you. Take another hour or so, and you can put up at least a basic profile for yourself.
Yes, of course, the profiles can be deceptive. People are deceptive in real life too: they lie, or they look a lot more attractive than they really are because of the bar's low light. My point isn't that everything goes swimmingly with online dating, but that you can almost immediately generate a long list of possibilities and start communicating with them right away. Each of those communications has a certain likelihood of leading to real-life dates, and you know the rest...
I'm not saying you should feel insanely rushed: as I said, most dates are duds, so the process still takes time. But online dating can often be the most efficient way to use your time in the dating world.
I think it's totally fine to dislike online dating and prefer something else. If there's some other method you prefer that works for you, obviously, go for it. But if there isn't another option you're enthusiastic about, then I don't see how it makes sense to dismiss online dating.
posted by John Cohen at 3:14 PM on March 21, 2011 [6 favorites]
Dating online seems to be a waste of time.
It's almost exactly 48 hours since I performed a wedding for one of my best friends and her awesome husband, who met on OKCupid.
posted by Tomorrowful at 3:20 PM on March 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
It's almost exactly 48 hours since I performed a wedding for one of my best friends and her awesome husband, who met on OKCupid.
posted by Tomorrowful at 3:20 PM on March 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
As a woman, I'd like to get married and have children sometime in the next decade. I just feel like it's never gonna happen
The NY Times wedding announcements are loaded with women past the age of 32 getting married.
posted by anniecat at 3:22 PM on March 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
The NY Times wedding announcements are loaded with women past the age of 32 getting married.
posted by anniecat at 3:22 PM on March 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
I think the 30s are actually the prime dating years these days. I got out of a long relationship when I turned 30 six years ago, and I can honestly say I've met more engaging, wonderful, cool people that I could possibly have hoped for. The same can and should happen to you.
If that doesn't make you feel better, there's always the math of this XKCD comic: http://xkcd.com/314/
posted by jeffmshaw at 3:29 PM on March 21, 2011
If that doesn't make you feel better, there's always the math of this XKCD comic: http://xkcd.com/314/
posted by jeffmshaw at 3:29 PM on March 21, 2011
Divorced at 30, lots of dating for next 3 years-best matches were with guys I met online. Met Mr Purenitrous online at 33 (he was 36), married at 35, kids at 36 and 39. Things are great!
And at 41, I find your statement about being too old for bars so depressing. It makes me feel really fucking old.
posted by purenitrous at 3:33 PM on March 21, 2011 [7 favorites]
And at 41, I find your statement about being too old for bars so depressing. It makes me feel really fucking old.
posted by purenitrous at 3:33 PM on March 21, 2011 [7 favorites]
"Online" and "in bars" are not the only places to meet people to date. Personally, online never happened to work for me, and I think I was too old for bars when I was 21, but it's still possible to meet people.
You've got good friends and frequent activities. Enjoy doing things with your good friends; enjoy doing the activities you enjoy. Enjoying things gives you a better chance of finding someone enjoyable (bonus points if the things you enjoy allow you to get out of the house and somewhere where you meet people).
Also, have you ever considered doing the kids thing another way? Are you more concerned with getting married, or with having kids? Would you consider doing either without the other? I think if you don't feel so much pressure about trying to get into a stable relationship that could produce kids nownownow that you might have more luck finding fulfillment (inside or outside of a relationship).
posted by nat at 3:40 PM on March 21, 2011
You've got good friends and frequent activities. Enjoy doing things with your good friends; enjoy doing the activities you enjoy. Enjoying things gives you a better chance of finding someone enjoyable (bonus points if the things you enjoy allow you to get out of the house and somewhere where you meet people).
Also, have you ever considered doing the kids thing another way? Are you more concerned with getting married, or with having kids? Would you consider doing either without the other? I think if you don't feel so much pressure about trying to get into a stable relationship that could produce kids nownownow that you might have more luck finding fulfillment (inside or outside of a relationship).
posted by nat at 3:40 PM on March 21, 2011
I got married at 44 for the first time .... to a great guy. We have a beautiful little boy who arrived shortly after the wedding (we joke that he was 4 months premature even though he weighed nearly 10 lbs). Before that, I was busy just living my life and doing the things I love and working and traveling. I was lonely sometimes but I didn't put my life on hold while waiting for "the one". There isn't "the one". There are many possibilities.
Concentrate on doing stuff. Be curious, be creative, travel, be open to change. Say "yes" a lot and see what happens. 32 is pretty young. I'll bet the best is yet to come for you.
posted by Kangaroo at 3:43 PM on March 21, 2011 [7 favorites]
Concentrate on doing stuff. Be curious, be creative, travel, be open to change. Say "yes" a lot and see what happens. 32 is pretty young. I'll bet the best is yet to come for you.
posted by Kangaroo at 3:43 PM on March 21, 2011 [7 favorites]
I met my beloved online (albeit not on a dating site, but via a literary mailing list), married in our mid-30s, now in our ninth year of wedded bliss.
posted by biscotti at 3:53 PM on March 21, 2011
posted by biscotti at 3:53 PM on March 21, 2011
I'm 28. But my girlfriend is 32 - she was 31 when we met, and we're headed toward marriage and babies and all that stuff you mentioned. We met at a mutual friend's birthday party - I never had success with bars or online either. 32 really isn't old at all - hell, I've had to adjust my previous assumption that anyone who gets married before turning 30 is marrying too young.
I know you know that your ex was not really "the one," but it might be helpful for you to stop thinking of him that way, even ironically.
posted by Ragged Richard at 3:54 PM on March 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
I know you know that your ex was not really "the one," but it might be helpful for you to stop thinking of him that way, even ironically.
posted by Ragged Richard at 3:54 PM on March 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
I have to jump in there to advocate for online dating. I did it for many years. I met a lot of men and had some fun dates, but there wasn't anyone REALLY great until I met Mr. Wet Hen when I was 39. He was divorced, no kids, and not getting married again. We got engaged 14 months after we met have been blissfully married for three years. I have many girlfriends and several relatives who also met their spouses online. Most of my girlfriends didn't start having children until their late 30s, and three (including my sister) had surprise babies in their 40s. You're no way too old.
One more thing: as great as I think online dating is, there are times when it's a real slog. I still consider it well worth the effort. Good luck finding what you want.
posted by Wet Hen at 4:11 PM on March 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
One more thing: as great as I think online dating is, there are times when it's a real slog. I still consider it well worth the effort. Good luck finding what you want.
posted by Wet Hen at 4:11 PM on March 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
Another vote for online dating. I met my partner when I was about your age through online dating. We also know several couples considerably older than us (40s and 50s) who have met through online dating sites. It's probably a lot less age sensitive than a lot of other means of meeting people.
I approached the whole online dating thing with a lot of trepidation. It does require a bit of effort, and the ability to cope with a couple of potential rejections, but it was worth it in my case at least.
posted by damonism at 4:39 PM on March 21, 2011
I approached the whole online dating thing with a lot of trepidation. It does require a bit of effort, and the ability to cope with a couple of potential rejections, but it was worth it in my case at least.
posted by damonism at 4:39 PM on March 21, 2011
My DH was a 57 year old bachelor. He wasn't even looking for a relationship, forget a relationship with a 27 year old. Just live your life. Have kids if you want. Relationships follow their own clocks.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 4:54 PM on March 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 4:54 PM on March 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
And if you weren't anonymous you might get all kinds of personal memail. Which can sometimes lead to, you know, meeting people...
posted by miles1972 at 5:18 PM on March 21, 2011
posted by miles1972 at 5:18 PM on March 21, 2011
I'm 29 and felt the way you feel when I was going through a breakup last year. It's part of the grieving process.
To add more anecdata to the fire: my dad and stepmother, who are brilliantly matched and very much in love, didn't meet until they were in their late 40's. They'll never have biological children together, it's true. But the family they've made for themselves is something I hope I will find someday.
posted by Sara C. at 5:23 PM on March 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
To add more anecdata to the fire: my dad and stepmother, who are brilliantly matched and very much in love, didn't meet until they were in their late 40's. They'll never have biological children together, it's true. But the family they've made for themselves is something I hope I will find someday.
posted by Sara C. at 5:23 PM on March 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
Is it hopeless? :)
Judging by your smiley. I think not!
Keep your head up. 30 is not some magical number after which life falls apart.
I would give online dating a shot. I recommend OkCupid.
posted by p1nkdaisy at 6:12 PM on March 21, 2011
Judging by your smiley. I think not!
Keep your head up. 30 is not some magical number after which life falls apart.
I would give online dating a shot. I recommend OkCupid.
posted by p1nkdaisy at 6:12 PM on March 21, 2011
I had known my current sweetie for years, but we didn't really start thinking of each other That Way and begin dating until I was 35. We've been together a decade, now.
posted by rmd1023 at 6:18 PM on March 21, 2011
posted by rmd1023 at 6:18 PM on March 21, 2011
As a single 37yr old male.. I share your frustration with online dating sites. I've tried many over the past 5+ years and gotten horrible results. I think part of it is that I live in an area with demographics mismatched to me (college kids or families = I don't fit in either group), and there doesn't seem to be much (any?) dating scene for people in their 30's around here. (on all the dating sites I tried.. the best matches I got were the furthest away.. often on opposite coasts or entirely different countries) Wtf?
The worst part is.. I'm in a fairly good position (good job, independent, happy, great cook,etc).. and on the rare occasion I meet a girl I click with.. I seem to always get the same response: "You can't be for real"... "they don't make guys like you"... "What's the catch?" ... when there really isn't one. I'm quiet and simple and hard working and just try to be a nice person. Apparently that's working against me. blah.
posted by jmnugent at 6:45 PM on March 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
The worst part is.. I'm in a fairly good position (good job, independent, happy, great cook,etc).. and on the rare occasion I meet a girl I click with.. I seem to always get the same response: "You can't be for real"... "they don't make guys like you"... "What's the catch?" ... when there really isn't one. I'm quiet and simple and hard working and just try to be a nice person. Apparently that's working against me. blah.
posted by jmnugent at 6:45 PM on March 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm 32 and my wife is 40. We dated for a year and got married soon after that. This year we'll celebrate our 3rd anniversary this year. We have a wonderful amazing daughter who is about to turn 1 year old. I didn't see any of this coming if you talked to me in 2008.
So...
Don't worry to much. It could come anytime. Dan Savage has something he says about "the one" I can't remember, but always rings true. "The one" didn't happen in my situation at all. We are complete opposites, yet we both know that we make a great couple and we love each other all the same.
Good luck! :D
posted by sleepytako at 6:49 PM on March 21, 2011
So...
Don't worry to much. It could come anytime. Dan Savage has something he says about "the one" I can't remember, but always rings true. "The one" didn't happen in my situation at all. We are complete opposites, yet we both know that we make a great couple and we love each other all the same.
Good luck! :D
posted by sleepytako at 6:49 PM on March 21, 2011
It is not hopeless. And you are not old.
Things don't always go as planned. Maybe you're a bit of a control freak in thinking you have to abide by this trajectory that you think society is imposing on you, and maybe men, not having to worry as much about that biological clock, won't want that pressure on them.
Relax and head out to a bar. I've seen people in their 40s and 50s relaxing at bars with their friends. You might not want to date people from work, but you could certainly befriend them and go out on the town with them sometimes. Who knows, they might introduce you to somebody.
And some people succeed at online dating. My uncle is in his 60s and met his girlfriend online. I know a 19-year-old gay couple who met online too. It can work for lots of people.
If you have enough money, you could always go the Lori Gottlieb route and have a kid by yourself. I don't think it would be too much of a deterrent if you get to the end of your childbearing years, since so many people will have children from previous marriages.
Older people do find love, every day, because they are willing to work for it. We learn most things through trial and error, and sometimes you fail many times before getting it right.
posted by CorduroyCorset at 6:57 PM on March 21, 2011
Things don't always go as planned. Maybe you're a bit of a control freak in thinking you have to abide by this trajectory that you think society is imposing on you, and maybe men, not having to worry as much about that biological clock, won't want that pressure on them.
Relax and head out to a bar. I've seen people in their 40s and 50s relaxing at bars with their friends. You might not want to date people from work, but you could certainly befriend them and go out on the town with them sometimes. Who knows, they might introduce you to somebody.
And some people succeed at online dating. My uncle is in his 60s and met his girlfriend online. I know a 19-year-old gay couple who met online too. It can work for lots of people.
If you have enough money, you could always go the Lori Gottlieb route and have a kid by yourself. I don't think it would be too much of a deterrent if you get to the end of your childbearing years, since so many people will have children from previous marriages.
Older people do find love, every day, because they are willing to work for it. We learn most things through trial and error, and sometimes you fail many times before getting it right.
posted by CorduroyCorset at 6:57 PM on March 21, 2011
More anecdata: married Hubby when I was 32, no serious relationships before that, and he was a friend before he became a sweetie.
*blows raspberry at "Friend Zone" theory*
posted by Quietgal at 6:58 PM on March 21, 2011
*blows raspberry at "Friend Zone" theory*
posted by Quietgal at 6:58 PM on March 21, 2011
Got married to my hubby @ 32 - we met through TWO online dating sites. We now have two beautiful kids. It's not hopeless, though I did feel just like you do just before meeting my man.
posted by PorcineWithMe at 7:25 PM on March 21, 2011
posted by PorcineWithMe at 7:25 PM on March 21, 2011
Uh, duh. Just to clarify, we met I was 32 we married I was 33.
posted by PorcineWithMe at 7:26 PM on March 21, 2011
posted by PorcineWithMe at 7:26 PM on March 21, 2011
Here's my €0.02 from personal experience:
Similar to what Sara C mentioned above, I got out of a relationship with a woman that I was absolutely madly completely totally head-over-heels in love with (from the day I met her, I wanted to marry her, have kids, and grow old with her - seriously). Here we are roughly 18 months after that relationship ended, and I'm still grieving it every day.
We've been broken up longer than we were ever together (eight days shy of a year), and I'm still grieving. She won't even acknowledge my presence in the hallways at work anymore, and I'm still grieving.
I've taken somewhere north of a dozen women out since then. Some of those dates went okay, some didn't. Most were met online, a few were met in person.
Here's the mantra I try to make myself repeat when I find myself feeling down about ever finding a woman to date steady, let alone marry & grow old with:
If I take no action, I am guaranteed not to get hurt again. I am also guaranteed not to find love again.
If I take action, there is a non-negligible chance that I will get hurt again. There is also a non-negligible chance that I will find love, friendship, happiness, or something similar.
Don't get me wrong, I'd love to run into my potential life partner tomorrow and never have to stress out about dating again. Could it happen tomorrow? Yes, it's possible, but it's not terribly probable. But, even though the chance that any individual person is someone I'll really click with and want to shack up with / elope with is fairly small, over a lengthy enough time period of encountering people (whether online, in person, or both), the odds that all are incompatible will decline (& correspondingly the odds that at least one will click with you increase).
Here's a thought experiment for you.
Suppose P(any given person 'clicks' with you)=0.001.
P(that person doesn't 'click' with you)=0.999
Over a month, one person per day, P(none click with you)=0.999^30 = 0.97 (3% at least one clicks)
Over a year, one person per day, P(none click with you)=0.999^365 = 0.69 (31% at least one clicks)
Over two years, one person per day P(none click with you)=0.999^730 = 0.48 (52% at least one clicks)
/food for thought
posted by AMSBoethius at 7:39 PM on March 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
Similar to what Sara C mentioned above, I got out of a relationship with a woman that I was absolutely madly completely totally head-over-heels in love with (from the day I met her, I wanted to marry her, have kids, and grow old with her - seriously). Here we are roughly 18 months after that relationship ended, and I'm still grieving it every day.
We've been broken up longer than we were ever together (eight days shy of a year), and I'm still grieving. She won't even acknowledge my presence in the hallways at work anymore, and I'm still grieving.
I've taken somewhere north of a dozen women out since then. Some of those dates went okay, some didn't. Most were met online, a few were met in person.
Here's the mantra I try to make myself repeat when I find myself feeling down about ever finding a woman to date steady, let alone marry & grow old with:
If I take no action, I am guaranteed not to get hurt again. I am also guaranteed not to find love again.
If I take action, there is a non-negligible chance that I will get hurt again. There is also a non-negligible chance that I will find love, friendship, happiness, or something similar.
Don't get me wrong, I'd love to run into my potential life partner tomorrow and never have to stress out about dating again. Could it happen tomorrow? Yes, it's possible, but it's not terribly probable. But, even though the chance that any individual person is someone I'll really click with and want to shack up with / elope with is fairly small, over a lengthy enough time period of encountering people (whether online, in person, or both), the odds that all are incompatible will decline (& correspondingly the odds that at least one will click with you increase).
Here's a thought experiment for you.
Suppose P(any given person 'clicks' with you)=0.001.
P(that person doesn't 'click' with you)=0.999
Over a month, one person per day, P(none click with you)=0.999^30 = 0.97 (3% at least one clicks)
Over a year, one person per day, P(none click with you)=0.999^365 = 0.69 (31% at least one clicks)
Over two years, one person per day P(none click with you)=0.999^730 = 0.48 (52% at least one clicks)
/food for thought
posted by AMSBoethius at 7:39 PM on March 21, 2011 [1 favorite]
One thing I'll mention here though is please please please don't settle for someone and rush through things just because you want Marriage + Children(tm). That would be doing a disservice to that person and to yourself.
The reality is that not everybody gets married and not everybody has kids. You can't do much to force the former, the latter is under your control for the most part (adoption). I say this not to be negative, but because I'm pragmatic. The sooner you can come to terms with things and just keep moving forward with your life and be happy with just yourself, the less energy you will spend dwelling on this and odds are, you will increase your odds of finding that person simply by doing that. Kind of ass backwards how it works, but there you have it.
posted by Elminster24 at 7:39 PM on March 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
The reality is that not everybody gets married and not everybody has kids. You can't do much to force the former, the latter is under your control for the most part (adoption). I say this not to be negative, but because I'm pragmatic. The sooner you can come to terms with things and just keep moving forward with your life and be happy with just yourself, the less energy you will spend dwelling on this and odds are, you will increase your odds of finding that person simply by doing that. Kind of ass backwards how it works, but there you have it.
posted by Elminster24 at 7:39 PM on March 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
after their prime 'love-finding' years
I'm also 32, and consider myself to be IN my prime dating/love-finding years, not past them :)
Seriously, I have way more confidence and am much happier than I ever was in my 20's!
You sound like you have a positive attitude and honestly I think that's the most important thing.
posted by bearette at 7:54 PM on March 21, 2011 [3 favorites]
I'm also 32, and consider myself to be IN my prime dating/love-finding years, not past them :)
Seriously, I have way more confidence and am much happier than I ever was in my 20's!
You sound like you have a positive attitude and honestly I think that's the most important thing.
posted by bearette at 7:54 PM on March 21, 2011 [3 favorites]
A) seriously, screw this stereotype that has you pegged a some kind of spinster at 32. It's such a stupid myth for so many reasons, all of which you know.
Plus, I know a good number of couples who met and married in their early to mid 20s, have a kid or two, and are now stuck in no-man's-land. They're not fighting enough or so cruelly as to make one pull the trigger to end the marriage. But they're also not really together-together. My guess is that the majority of those couples will be divorced by 40 or so.
Which is NOT to say that they won't find love again either...they probably will! And deserve to!
But just because it hasn't happened for you yet, at 32, absolutely does not mean that it should have already, and that you'd certainly be better off for it.
It's a strange age, 31-32. Some friends are off and married and babied, and some friends are re-discovering themselves again. Don't go out looking for the next dude. Take a class or two - landscape design? Boxing? Cooking? Welding? Community gardening? Local government? Volunteer at your favorite organization, especially in a position that lets you meet new people. Walk dogs at the SPCA.
Just keep taking care of you, and find out what that truly means! It's actually a gift, even though it might feel like a burden now.
You know what? I've been in a place like this. None of the options look all that appealing when you're hyperbolizing about what they'll be like. "Online dating will suck because I have to go on dates with weird people and it takes a long time and then I have to tell them I'm Not Interested and that sounds like more work." Well it is, when you put it that way! Instead, decide to write up the best profile that feels true to YOU and show it to a good friend, especially one who has done some online dating. Ask for input. Tell yourself, "I'm not interviewing candidates for marriage, I'm meeting a bunch of folks and who knows, maybe I'll find someone for my best friend, or find a new friend, or a new job, and hopefully even some good dates!" Just be open to meeting people. That's the key, for me.
Tell yourself you're going to try ten new things during the rest of this year. Make a list, 1-10 of all the different things you'd like to try. Note: not "goals" just "new things to explicitly try and not just say I'll try." This isn't about "reaching a goal" it's about meeting new people, getting exposed to new ideas, helping you see yourself as the adventurous person you are!
Take ten different sheets of paper, and at the top of each one, write down one of your new adventures. i.e., "learn Spanish." Below that, jot down some ideas about what you need to do to accomplish those goals. 1) Research Spanish classes in the area. 2) email friend who took classes and ask her. 3) Look up Meet-Up groups for conversational Spanish. 4) Sign up for a class, and try a few meet-ups!
You get the idea. Note the answer was not: Buy Rosetta Stone and practice at home. Use your interests as a way of meeting new folks!
Pick the one that seems "best" to you - whichever it is. The hardest, the easiest, the quickest, the one you've always wanted to do, the one that seems totally crazy, whatever. Start there. Go through a bunch of steps. Get a friend to join you, if you'd like. Make efforts to connect with folks - ask specific people out for drinks or coffee, or to the new show, or to a Spanish movie, or whatever. But if it feels like this one is eventually boring or not fulfilling, move to the next one on your list. You're not committing, you're sampling all of your ideas! Moving on is not failing, it's making room for the next adventure.
You'll definitely have tons of experiences from now until next year. Maybe you'll try 3 or 4 things, and find something awesome. Maybe you'll work through the list. In any case, you will definitely meet new people, and make new friendships, and see all sorts of ways that people live their life, beyond the stuck feeling you're having now. Sooooooo many ways to live life! Try 'em out.
And wow, you could be 33 and have learned a few new things that have been rattling around inside your den of inspirations... now that is cool!
posted by barnone at 8:08 PM on March 21, 2011 [4 favorites]
Plus, I know a good number of couples who met and married in their early to mid 20s, have a kid or two, and are now stuck in no-man's-land. They're not fighting enough or so cruelly as to make one pull the trigger to end the marriage. But they're also not really together-together. My guess is that the majority of those couples will be divorced by 40 or so.
Which is NOT to say that they won't find love again either...they probably will! And deserve to!
But just because it hasn't happened for you yet, at 32, absolutely does not mean that it should have already, and that you'd certainly be better off for it.
It's a strange age, 31-32. Some friends are off and married and babied, and some friends are re-discovering themselves again. Don't go out looking for the next dude. Take a class or two - landscape design? Boxing? Cooking? Welding? Community gardening? Local government? Volunteer at your favorite organization, especially in a position that lets you meet new people. Walk dogs at the SPCA.
Just keep taking care of you, and find out what that truly means! It's actually a gift, even though it might feel like a burden now.
You know what? I've been in a place like this. None of the options look all that appealing when you're hyperbolizing about what they'll be like. "Online dating will suck because I have to go on dates with weird people and it takes a long time and then I have to tell them I'm Not Interested and that sounds like more work." Well it is, when you put it that way! Instead, decide to write up the best profile that feels true to YOU and show it to a good friend, especially one who has done some online dating. Ask for input. Tell yourself, "I'm not interviewing candidates for marriage, I'm meeting a bunch of folks and who knows, maybe I'll find someone for my best friend, or find a new friend, or a new job, and hopefully even some good dates!" Just be open to meeting people. That's the key, for me.
Tell yourself you're going to try ten new things during the rest of this year. Make a list, 1-10 of all the different things you'd like to try. Note: not "goals" just "new things to explicitly try and not just say I'll try." This isn't about "reaching a goal" it's about meeting new people, getting exposed to new ideas, helping you see yourself as the adventurous person you are!
Take ten different sheets of paper, and at the top of each one, write down one of your new adventures. i.e., "learn Spanish." Below that, jot down some ideas about what you need to do to accomplish those goals. 1) Research Spanish classes in the area. 2) email friend who took classes and ask her. 3) Look up Meet-Up groups for conversational Spanish. 4) Sign up for a class, and try a few meet-ups!
You get the idea. Note the answer was not: Buy Rosetta Stone and practice at home. Use your interests as a way of meeting new folks!
Pick the one that seems "best" to you - whichever it is. The hardest, the easiest, the quickest, the one you've always wanted to do, the one that seems totally crazy, whatever. Start there. Go through a bunch of steps. Get a friend to join you, if you'd like. Make efforts to connect with folks - ask specific people out for drinks or coffee, or to the new show, or to a Spanish movie, or whatever. But if it feels like this one is eventually boring or not fulfilling, move to the next one on your list. You're not committing, you're sampling all of your ideas! Moving on is not failing, it's making room for the next adventure.
You'll definitely have tons of experiences from now until next year. Maybe you'll try 3 or 4 things, and find something awesome. Maybe you'll work through the list. In any case, you will definitely meet new people, and make new friendships, and see all sorts of ways that people live their life, beyond the stuck feeling you're having now. Sooooooo many ways to live life! Try 'em out.
And wow, you could be 33 and have learned a few new things that have been rattling around inside your den of inspirations... now that is cool!
posted by barnone at 8:08 PM on March 21, 2011 [4 favorites]
My dad was your age when my mom left. He raised me and my brother and then met his girlfriend when I was 16 and he was 45. They've been together almost twenty years. Her grandchildren call him grandpa. So no, you're not hopeless. You just need to have a more optimistic and open view of things.
You may end up meeting someone tomorrow and have babies together. Or you may end up meeting someone who already has children and become an awesome stepmom. Or you may decide to adopt or do invitro. There are lots of different options for having a loving family if you are open to them.
If this is important to you, you can't give up. Try everything: online dating, speed dating, volunteering, meet ups, hiking groups, whatever gets you out there and meeting men.
When I was 28 I made a really focused search like this where I tried everything (volunteering, outdoor club, singles dinner, hiking, ski club, happy hours) I could possibly think of and my husband was down at the other end of the table at a volunteering event and we've been together 8 years.
posted by bananafish at 10:46 PM on March 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
You may end up meeting someone tomorrow and have babies together. Or you may end up meeting someone who already has children and become an awesome stepmom. Or you may decide to adopt or do invitro. There are lots of different options for having a loving family if you are open to them.
If this is important to you, you can't give up. Try everything: online dating, speed dating, volunteering, meet ups, hiking groups, whatever gets you out there and meeting men.
When I was 28 I made a really focused search like this where I tried everything (volunteering, outdoor club, singles dinner, hiking, ski club, happy hours) I could possibly think of and my husband was down at the other end of the table at a volunteering event and we've been together 8 years.
posted by bananafish at 10:46 PM on March 21, 2011 [2 favorites]
Dan Savage has something he says about "the one" I can't remember, but always rings true.
It's something along the lines of, "there is no 'the one,' there are only a long series of .87s that you can always decide to round up to one."
posted by Ragged Richard at 6:49 AM on March 22, 2011 [2 favorites]
It's something along the lines of, "there is no 'the one,' there are only a long series of .87s that you can always decide to round up to one."
posted by Ragged Richard at 6:49 AM on March 22, 2011 [2 favorites]
« Older What Are Personal Budgeting Percentages | Help me tell me friend she's a terrible writer Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
Hope
Online Dating
posted by The Deej at 2:24 PM on March 21, 2011 [2 favorites]