No, you just have to wait...

March 13, 2011 7:16 PM

I love my boyfriend very much. We have a wonderful relationship and I would like to get married. We would both like to get married. We've talked about it, and agreed that we share this goal. Yay! However, we have very different ideas about when to get engaged. I want to shout it from the rooftops, but he wants "more time". Please help me understand his reasons for waiting to make our intentions official and public.

Some background: we have been dating for about two years. We live separately (my choice), but I spend weekends at his because he doesn't have roommates and I have two. We are in our very early 30's, and work in the same industry, although in slightly different capacities. We get along famously, love one another to pieces, and share similar career, life and financial goals. We have a close-knit group of mutual friends/colleagues (though we do have separate friends that we spend time with as well). We both want children, pygmy goats (thanks to a recent thread) and a garden. Everything is wonderful, and I want us to start planning our life together with the confidence of an official engagement and impending marriage.

My boyfriend says he wants to wait, however, until I have had a chance to meet and get to know the rest of his family. He is from another country (which is also my mother's native country), where we will be doing our Master's come this fall. I met his mom and sister during their visit here a while back, and "met" his brother and sister-in-law over skype (we've all sat and talked this way several times). His father and stepmother friended me on facebook, and we've kept in regular touch this way. He has met most of my family, and the ones he hasn't met have friended him and keep in touch with him as well.

To me, this is adequate for two people whose families mostly live very far away. At this point, since, with a couple exceptions, we're not terribly close with our families anyway, I can't foresee any event or personality difference between myself and someone in his family that would make me change my mind about wanting to be with him. We all seem to get along very well when we do talk or write: sharing jokes and memories. I am close with my brother and my brother's partner, who live here in the same city, and the four of us hang out quite often. With everything between us feeling so great, and aligned so well for an engagement, I don't understand his hesitation. He brought up getting married before I did, so I know he's not freaked out about it. I was a little put-off and surprised by the idea that I need to pass some sort of family approval test, although I can understand why it might be weird for him to get engaged to someone that most of his family hasn't actually met yet.

I would like us to get engaged before we leave for school for a couple of reasons: 1) We will be in separate cities (about two hours apart), but are planning to get jobs in the same city when we finish our year-long programs. I feel that I could deal with separation and tandem career moves a bit better with the commitment of an engagement, rather than as just boyfriend and girlfriend. Especially after more than two years of dating.
2) Once I leave for school, I don't envision returning to my home town anytime soon. I also don't want to have a big wedding. I would us to get engaged before we leave so that we can celebrate with our wonderful and supportive group of friends, since I likely won't have the kind of wedding that they could attend. I'm having a difficult time imagining just making a bunch of long-distance phone calls upon getting engaged, rather than being able to jump up and down with my best friends.

I didn't give him these reasons when we last talked about this because I was a little taken aback and disappointed when he said I needed to hang out with his family first. He did say he would like to get married after we've finished school and have stable jobs again, which is fine with me. But it all just sounds pretty vague, when I would like things to be more defined. I also have a problem with the fact that he can say he wants to marry me, but balks at making it official.

Although we usually communicate very well, this is a very emotionally overwhelming topic and I'm worried about being pushy. I'm also worried that maybe my reasons for wanting to get engaged sooner are not really valid to anyone but me, and that I need to just cool it and let things happen when the timing is good for the both of us.

This is a really strange place for me to be in because I've always been sort of a commitment-phobe. However, now that I'm over 30, I'm taking my desires for life-partnership and family making more seriously. I'm excited about how right this feels and I want to get the ball rolling!

So: am I over-excited and losing sight of practical issues surrounding preparations for marriage? Could the idea that I need to spend more physical time with his family be a stall tactic? Is it possible that he just needs more time to get used to the whole idea of marriage (since we just started talking about it openly), and may eventually come around to getting engaged sooner? Should I bring this up again, or let it be? It felt like he had the last word, and that isn't quite sitting right with me, and feels unusual for us.

Sorry for the long story, and thanks in advance for any advice or personal anecdotes about how to respect and live with his needs on this issue and/or making a better case for getting engaged soon.

p.s. I've made it clear that having a ring/fancy proposal is unnecessary. We're both pretty non-materialistic, so having to save up for a diamond is probably not what's holding him back.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (29 answers total)

my 2c

So: am I over-excited and losing sight of practical issues surrounding preparations for marriage?

Have you gone over all the hard questions people should ideally ask each other before marrying? The important ones involve familial relationships, childbearing/rearing, financial obligations and goals. Don't rush into an engagement just so you could jump up and down with your besties -- they'll be just as happy for you months or years from now. In my opinion, it's important to get as many hard questions as you can answer resolved first.

Of course if you guys did go through that, then the delay does seem relatively unwarranted.

Could the idea that I need to spend more physical time with his family be a stall tactic?

Ideally you guys would be beyond the point where y'all needed to use 'tactics' on each other.
It's probably legitimately important to him. Maybe he could be proactive about it and arrange someone to fly somewhere so everyone could meet!

Is it possible that he just needs more time to get used to the whole idea of marriage (since we just started talking about it openly), and may eventually come around to getting engaged sooner?

Seems weird to me if he brought up marriage. Is he generally indecisive or something?

Should I bring this up again, or let it be?

If it's still unresolved, then you should certainly bring it up again sometime, and try to resolve it.

Maybe you can ask him what exactly he expects will change between now (not engaged) and later (engaged!).
posted by The Biggest Dreamer at 7:33 PM on March 13, 2011 [1 favorite]

"I want you to meet my family first" seems reasonable enough. I'm not saying right or wrong -- just not an obvious stall signaling commitment-phobia. Is he taking or planning to take steps to introduce you? That should certainly be happening.
posted by J. Wilson at 7:34 PM on March 13, 2011 [2 favorites]

if you feel like your reasons you have listed are truly valid, you need to discuss these with your boyfriend.

if you are committed to each other, then you are committed. a fancy title like "fiancee" does not make one more or less committed, in reality (though this sentiment comes from someone who doesn't place a lot of importance on these things). any sort of safety net that an engagement might bring you while you are 2 hours apart is one made up in your mind, as bad things can happen in relationships at any stage. however, if it's something that you feel you would do better with, continue to talk to him about it.

i will share one other thing: one of my best friend's tried to rush the engagement to her now-husband. it would have been an awful idea, in my opinion. not because they weren't going to get engaged, but because it would have ruined the way that it happened, which was very special. if you know that you're going to get married, then you know. let the ride take you to that place, don't force yourself to be there.
posted by itsacover at 7:34 PM on March 13, 2011 [5 favorites]

I can't speak for your boyfriend, but I know that if I were to get engaged right now, with my grandma not having met my boyfriend and my parents having met him only once, I would get ten tons of (emotional, guilt-tripping) crap dumped on me. (Whether or not I'd actually care at all about that is another story entirely, but not everyone is like me.)

I can definitely see where he's coming from on this, though. Making sure his whole family has at least seen you and spoken with you before announcing an engagement will ward off any "but we hardly even know her!" protests, even if there's plenty of time for you to hang out with them before the wedding.

But yes, absolutely talk to him about it. See what his reasons are, exactly.
posted by phunniemee at 7:38 PM on March 13, 2011 [8 favorites]

It seems likely to me, given what you've described about your happy relationship, that he just wants to have you hang out with his family first so that he doesn't get flak from them about "getting engaged to someone they don't even know." Ask him.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:42 PM on March 13, 2011 [2 favorites]

It sounds like it's important for him to have you meet his family before you become engaged. I know you're SO EXCITED and want to do it RIGHT NOW!!!! but this is one of those compromises that I think will serve you well in your life to come. The engagement is for you two, and as much fun as it is to be able to run to your friends and celebrate it right away, I got engaged far away from all my friends, and have had other friends do the same, and you know what, the long-distance calls and emails were fine. It was fine.

I don't think he's being unreasonable for wanting this, and I don't think you're unreasonable for being disappointed. But i would say suck up the disappointment, and meet the family. He wants this. It means something to him. Give him that gift. It's not that there's a test, exactly, but he just wants to see how his family accepts you. Who knows, he might be afraid that his family will scare off YOU, rather than the other way around--the test isn't for you, it's for them. It sounds like it won't be a problem, but maybe he just wants that reassurance.

Wait. Don't be afraid that it will change anything, just view it as the step you need to take before becoming engaged. It sounds like he loves you and you guys have and will have a wonderful life together. Let him have this. You have a whole life together ahead of you. Start it off right. Good luck--I think this is surmountable.
posted by thinkingwoman at 7:42 PM on March 13, 2011 [3 favorites]

I put off getting engaged for a long time because I didn't want to be engaged until I had a timeline for the things happening after the engagement. I didn't want to be engaged for 2 years before getting married (our "engagement" actually only lasted 4 months), and I wanted to have a date that was when we were finally going to be living together (we are currently living on different continents). It felt weird to me to be engaged without having all of this decided, because without a plan it didn't really feel like an engagement.
posted by that girl at 7:51 PM on March 13, 2011 [1 favorite]

You really need to talk this out. Explain your reasons to him, let him explain your reason to you, and come up with a compromise together. I know that this is an emotionally tricky issue, and I know that it is easy to imagine that there will be some disappointment or hurt feelings at the end of it all, but consider it good practice. There will be many more difficult discussions for you to have over the course of your engagement and marriage. In particular, if you hope to make your relationship work over a (somewhat) long distance and mutual schooling, you must be sure that your communication skills are absolutely as good as they can possibly be.
posted by Rock Steady at 7:53 PM on March 13, 2011 [2 favorites]

Waiting until you meet his family is a very good reason - not an excuse, a reason. He might be wanting to make sure you know exactly what you are getting yourself into before getting engaged.
- Many people are different around their families, very very different. He might want to make sure you know that side of him first.
- His family might be very different than what you are used to and he might want to make sure that you are up for dealing with that kind of excess baggage.

Whatever the reason, hang in there. You can have a lovely going away party with your friends. And you could always come back to visit your brother and have an engagement or wedding celebration of sorts later.
posted by Neekee at 7:55 PM on March 13, 2011 [5 favorites]

I think that as long as you have agreement on the destination, you really need to chill about the schedule. I am 100% sure you don't mean it this way, but your post is reading a bit like "my boyfriend refuses to cram himself into my Perfect Life Plan. How can I bend him to my will so I can maintain my prefered schedule according to Cosmo?"

You are moving to his country of origin. It seems completely reasonable to delay engagement until after that happens so that you can meet his family. I can see an argument that you are, in fact, slighting them if you do not.

And you know what? Even if that's not the case, the point is: he isn't ready. He's saying that clearly. You really, SERIOUSLY do not want to drag your partner into marriage. Some people are quick to the boil and others are not. Back off and give him time.

Meanwhile, plan and throw an awesome going away party for the two of you so you have happy memories with your friends.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:56 PM on March 13, 2011 [15 favorites]

I know that if I were to get engaged right now, with my grandma not having met my boyfriend and my parents having met him only once, I would get ten tons of (emotional, guilt-tripping) crap dumped on me.

Seconding this. Some families have really weird "things" about significant others -- my mother reacted really strangely when I said I wanted to invite a boyfriend to spend Christmas with me, and it wasn't until after the holidays that I finally found out that in her mind, a boyfriend spending the holidays with our family was kind of "the penultimate step before they announce the engagement". Since I had already told her that's not where he and I were, she just felt really uncomfortable about the whole thing.

His family may have these weird hangups about engagements and incorporating significant others into the family fold -- ones which are nothing against you personally, but ones which he's still going to have to deal with when he's trying to figure out how to make everyone comfortable.

Or it could be as simple as, if he announces the engagement his mother's going to swing into Full Wedding Planner Mode and he's not ready to face THAT from her just yet.

But I doubt it's a stalling tactic about you. I have a hunch he's just figuring out how to negotiate his own specific family dynamic.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:00 PM on March 13, 2011 [1 favorite]

Maybe I missed it, but I didn't see any mention of nationality/race/religion in your post. It is possible that family tradition dictates that his parents provide approval or consent prior to your engagement.
posted by purephase at 8:03 PM on March 13, 2011

I would us to get engaged before we leave so that we can celebrate with our wonderful and supportive group of friends, since I likely won't have the kind of wedding that they could attend.

This strikes me as a bad motivation for getting engaged. I understand where the feeling comes from, but it seems to be putting the cart before the horse. He does not want to get engaged now. That makes the celebration with your friends premature. You can always decide to do some sort of celebration that will accommodate them when you do get engaged and/or married.

I'll also agree with that girl that I wouldn't want to be engaged without having a clear picture of when the wedding would be. You guys have a lot of things coming up- masters programs, living apart, moving to a place, finding jobs. Maybe you can wait for a few of those things to come into focus before you figure out how to fit marriage into the picture.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:05 PM on March 13, 2011 [3 favorites]

Or it could be as simple as, if he announces the engagement his mother's going to swing into Full Wedding Planner Mode and he's not ready to face THAT from her just yet.

Or his wife…
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 8:11 PM on March 13, 2011 [5 favorites]

Or it could be as simple as, if he announces the engagement his mother's going to swing into Full Wedding Planner Mode and he's not ready to face THAT from her just yet.

Lots of good reasons above, but I wanted to second this one. I got engaged in December. The last 3 months have been filled with a lot of weird "SO WHAT ARE ALL THE WEDDING DETAILS?" questions from my fiancé's family and my mom. They all mean well, but my SO and I weren't prepared to go into full on wedding planning mode yet.
posted by asciident at 8:12 PM on March 13, 2011

My boyfriend says he wants to wait, however, until I have had a chance to meet and get to know the rest of his family....

I was a little put-off and surprised by the idea that I need to pass some sort of family approval test

Waiting until they meet and get to know you is different from requiring you to pass a family approval test. It might just be a for-show respect thing, where getting engaged before they had the chance to meet you would be a clear slap in the face of disrespect to them. It doesn't sound like he really cares about their advice as to whether you're the person he should marry, but it does sound lie he doesn't want to announce it before you guys meet in person. It sounds like he wants to be careful about growing a relationship between you and them so that it proceeds at the pace most likely for a successful long-term relationship. Imagine hearing that there would be a new daughter-in-law in your family forever, for the rest of your life, the mother of your grandchildren, and you hadn't had a chance to even have one in-person meal with her before that was decided, as though you as your son's mother, as the grandmother, the person who would help raise the grandchildren (however remotely) just did not matter one bit. I think that sort of "do I not matter at all" feeling on her end may be part of what he wants to avoid. / purely speculating.
posted by salvia at 8:18 PM on March 13, 2011 [4 favorites]

Your boyfriend hasn't decided if he wants to marry you yet - that's the point here. You don't have much of a choice other than to wait or give him an ultimatum, or ask him yourself.
posted by yarly at 8:20 PM on March 13, 2011 [2 favorites]

it seems like from your description that the only thing that is going to change by his asking you to marry him is that you will get to celebrate with your besties in person. while your wanting to feel that being his "fiancée" rather than his "girlfriend" is certainly understandable, if your relationship is as good as you say it is, and you both know that an engagement is imminent, then pressuring your bf into doing it according to your plan and timeline, particularly when it isn't his as well, probably isn't going to do your relationship any favors. i mean, you've mentioned that you won't be getting married until after you two finish school anyway. what, really, then, is going to change besides your getting to call him your fiancé instead of your boyfriend for the next year (probably less)?

I also have a problem with the fact that he can say he wants to marry me, but balks at making it official.

if he's mentioned getting married to you, then it's on his mind. in my experience, most guys don't throw that out there unless they mean it. but maybe, in addition to his very valid reason about wanting his family to have met you in person, that he needs more time to be in the emotional space for it; maybe he needs to work out, in his mind, the logistics for the wedding to take place after the engagement; maybe blah blah blah. it really doesn't matter what those maybes are because he's not ready and no amount of pressuring from you is going to get him there any faster.

certainly talk to him about your concerns, feelings, and worries because it sounds like you need to in order to not start resenting him and the delay. but don't use the talk as a platform for pressuring him. it sounds like he (and you) already have enough on your plates in the near future as it is.
posted by violetk at 8:29 PM on March 13, 2011

I would suggest that two people entering masters programs not get married until they're done and have found jobs.
posted by rr at 8:45 PM on March 13, 2011 [1 favorite]

Actions speak louder than words. He is simply not ready to get engaged. Meeting his family is a good reason, but if he were ready, as he is not close with his family and you have sort of met them, he is simply not sure yet. Ask yourself (or him) that would change his mind after you have met his family. Is he worried that you will change your mind or that he needs their approval first?

To me, he is not ready. I think he should admit that for communication sake, but you will be hard pressed to get him to say that. I also think yarly is right, you need to either live with it or give an ultimatum and live with the consequences of that.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 8:50 PM on March 13, 2011

My boyfriend says he wants to wait, however, until I have had a chance to meet and get to know the rest of his family. He is from another country...

This sounds perfectly reasonable to me. In fact, even though I'm an American still living in my home country, it's an issue that I think about a lot because I live across the country from the rest of my family.

It's traditional where I grew up for boyfriends/girlfriends to really get to know the family before settling down for the long haul. It makes me a little sad to think might be impossible for me, that I'd have to spring my partner on most of my family, "surprise, I'm marrying this person you've never met!" I would feel especially weird about getting engaged before my partner had met both of my parents or all of my siblings. In person. The old fashioned way.

In fact, I think it's this sadness that is the source of your conflict on this. It seems to make you uneasy to think about getting engaged in a different country, far away from your friends and family, especially knowing that many of them won't be able to be by your side to celebrate. And he seems to be in my camp, feeling disappointed at the thought that he might have to bring some stranger into the family (no matter how much he loves said stranger).

It seems like you have two choices. You can either try to come up with some compromise that satisfies both of your ideas of what it means to go through the process of getting married to someone, or you can give him this because you love him and you want to be with him even if that means you can't have a bachelorette party or whatever. I personally think it would be selfish to put up a big fuss and say, "I don't care if I meet your family, I want to be engaged now so my friends can throw me a party!" But then my sentiments are already more with your boyfriend.

(Totally out of left field, but are you SURE that none of your friends would ever possibly be able to attend your wedding or be there to celebrate this part of your life in any way? I mean, what country are we talking about here? Fiji? People travel for weddings all the time. Even if you're not planning a big wedding, isn't it possible that some of your friends could come visit to celebrate in some capacity?)
posted by Sara C. at 9:05 PM on March 13, 2011 [2 favorites]

I don't think he's being unreasonable for wanting this, and I don't think you're unreasonable for being disappointed. But i would say suck up the disappointment, and meet the family. He wants this. It means something to him. Give him that gift.

Quoted for truth. Being in a healthy, committed relationship -- whether married, officially engaged, unofficially engaged, or none of the above -- means that you are both on the same side. You are a team. This should not be You vs. Him. His need to introduce you to his family first is not a rejection of you but a way for him to bring you into his family. This is a legitimate, significant need of his (and one that I think trumps your own legitimate-but-not-as-significant needs that seem to be more convenience/excitement-based).

The best way to illustrate that you guys are really suited for engagement and marriage is to see yourselves as always being on the same side, even when you disagree. If you are to have a long, healthy, happy relationship, conflict needs to be a process of finding solutions together, rather than staking out opposing positions in which one of you "wins" and the other one "loses."
posted by scody at 9:30 PM on March 13, 2011 [7 favorites]

Mod note: From the OP:

Thank you all very much for your insight. Much of it is exactly what I needed to hear about cooling it while still feeling okay about communicating my thoughts about this. The last thing I want to do is pressure my boyfriend into marriage and I would NEVER give him an ultimatum. I am excited to deepen our commitment, but it's certainly not worth bulldozing over his feelings to get my way.

Just to clarify: both of our families are non-religious, non-traditional and pretty laid back, as are we (we both envision eloping somewhere and going backpacking afterward), and that probably contributed to my confusion about his request. But reading what many of you had to say, I realize that it is still important for me to meet his family and spend time with his them as his girlfriend (as he has been able to do as my boyfriend) before we ramp it up.

Anyway, thank you all again--I will certainly chill out and continue to enjoy the relationship for its current awesomeness.

posted by pb (staff) at 9:43 PM on March 13, 2011

Well jeez! If you envision eloping then all the more reason to introduce you first! I could already see family members being unhappy at being introduced to a fiancee, and it would be even more alienating to not meet you until after you're his wife. Also, (not to open a can of worms or rain on your parade or commit any other unpleasant cliche) - you might want to think some about how to approach engagement under those terms anyway. Typically, making a fuss and bringing others into celebration of your engagement carries the implicit promise that those people will be included in the wedding.
posted by moxiedoll at 10:01 PM on March 13, 2011 [4 favorites]

SPOILER ALERT

Maybe he's planning a big, romantic proposal?
posted by Sys Rq at 2:54 AM on March 14, 2011

HE could feel the way i did before I proposed to my now wife. I feel that people should be together 3 years before getting engadged . This gives enough time to know everything about the person.

I say do not worry YET if after 3 years he still says no then worry.

PS if hes talking about marrage then i think you have nothing to worry about . He could also be waiting on a good proposal .

I was telling my wife dont worry we will get married in the future. I then brought her to central park and on a carriage ride and popped the question. She had NOOOOOO idea i was going to do it . Was so surprised she started to hyperventilate (in a good way lol).

So I think you have nothing to worry about for now.
posted by majortom1981 at 4:40 AM on March 14, 2011

"About two years" is not a long time, especially when you're talking about making a commitment to each other for the rest of your lives.

An engagement is not an insurance policy against anything that may happen while you two are living two hours away from each other for a year. Or after that.

Wanting to be able to jump up and down with your best friends is understandable but that's not really a good reason to make a major life decision or force one on your partner.

And for what it's worth, absence - even a short one - does make the heart grow fonder. I had been seeing my partner for 4.5 years when I went out of the country for 10 days. Less than a week after I got back, he proposed.
posted by kat518 at 10:57 AM on March 14, 2011 [1 favorite]

Majortom1981 beat me to it- I think three years is the milestone i'd personally want to wait for. i've felt that way for a while and just recently saw this article discussing the same exact thing.

I think that it takes a while for all the dust to settle and for people to REALLY know each other when they are dating. although some people may hit that point at 2 years, I personally think it takes a bit longer. i wouldn't fault a guy for not knowing/ not being ready after 2 years. i think 3 years is the mark at which engagement should be discussed (but doesn't necessarily need to happen at that point, just an agreement that you're on the same page about doing it at SOME point.) i think it sounds like you're rushing it. just be glad he's at least in agreement that it's something he wants. after 3 years together, i finally had to face the fact that my (now ex) boyfriend was not even remotely in a place of us possibly getting engaged and it was really shitty and painful because i was. all i'm saying is, don't take what he's already giving you for granted. he sounds just fine to me. (of course, if you're still in the same boat a few years from now, that's another story.) i'd just chill out. if you truly feel secure that you two are going to be together forever, what difference does it make if you get married this year or next?
posted by GastrocNemesis at 1:37 PM on March 14, 2011

I just got through this contention with my bf, good to hear there are others in a similar situation. ;) We've been together four years and have lived together for three. What I discovered was that my bf and I had vastly different ideas of what engagement meant. He viewed it as something that one did with the intention of immediately organizing a wedding within the year. Thus it did not make sense to do until I finished my doctorate, I have absolutely no plans on getting married before then anyway. On the other hand, I viewed it as another level of commitment between bf-gf and marriage. Once we talked about it I realized that I was feeling hurt over nothing. He emphatically expressed his absolute commitment to me, but just that he did not want to have a long engagement. Instead we performed our own little idiosyncratic ritual of commitment to each other, and postponed the ring for another two years. Do you have friends getting engaged/married? I feel like I at least got swept up in the peer pressure of many of my friends getting engaged in the last year. Anyway, it's worth figuring out if engagement means something different to you than to him. Also, would you accept him expressing commitment in an alternative way? YMMV.
posted by amileighs at 5:27 PM on March 14, 2011 [1 favorite]