Help me understand why this is happening
March 12, 2011 9:41 AM Subscribe
Suicidal ideation under stress -- help me.
posted by carolinaherrera to Human Relations (14 answers total) 32 users marked this as a favorite
When I get under stress about anything, but especially something fairly minor that may involve letting someone down (like a scheduling conflict, being late, saying the wrong thing) -- I really freak out. I'm great in a real crisis, and I can maintain calm on the outside when I'm with others, but when I'm alone, I start:
- repeating to myself over and over "I want to die", "I'm supposed to die", "I deserve to die" ---even though I don't really believe it
- then another part of myself takes over and forces me to just move forward, make the phone call, have lunch, take a shower, etc.
- and another part of myself says very reassuring things, like "I love you", "It's going to be okay" "Yesterday was better and tomorrow probably will be too" and does CBT type stuff ("What would you say if this were someone else's problem?" "What is the worst thing that can happen?", breathing techniques for anxiety, etc.)
It's a weird cycle I go through, and what really gets me is that I don't understand it.
I think I'm better than I have been in the past, because I use CBT techniques, am reassuring, nurture myself, etc. The techniques help somewhat...
But what gets me is that I don't really understand WHY I am doing this. I think understanding why would really help me as I have a bunch of tools for dealing with it, and they do help, it always seems to come as a surprise to me when it happens. Why does part of my brain do this? Why does it jump to these thoughts?
I read the book "How I Survived When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me" -- and it was pretty good, but didn't really help me understand why this is happening. Therapy has helped me talk about it and has offered some helpful techniques, but I would like to hear from others who do this too.
Other info: I'm healthy, young, in therapy, don't have any mental illnesses (that I know of), have never tried to commit suicide, cut myself, or anything like that.
I'm a very analytical person, the kind who learns to dance by analyzing the steps, so helping to understand why would probably be a huge help to me.
So, does anyone else here on Askme have this problem? Why do you think it happens to you? Do you use the same words or different ones? Does it happen in the same sort of situations?
Feel free to private message if you would prefer not to share publicly.