How can I suggest an anti-aging regimen to my boyfriend?
March 7, 2011 11:20 AM   Subscribe

I’m 40 and my wonderful, funny and thoughtful man is 52 … but because he doesn’t take care of his skin, he looks much older.

His routine literally consists of just washing his face … No moisturizer, no anti-aging potion of any kind. Before anyone asks, yes, he thinks it’s a problem too. He’ll say, “I didn’t have all these wrinkles a few years ago.” But when he says it, I feel bad for him and simply reassure that him that he is still a handsome man ... and he is.

I’d like to find a tactful way to a) either buy him a simple skin care package and encourage him to use it or b)tell him to go shopping for some supplies himself. I don’t need him to be all crazy with it (My uncle of the same age literally has a six-step ritual he carries everywhere) but I do wish he’d make a little effort.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (25 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
I think you could start by talking about the importance of daily sunscreen. That's how I got my guy to start wearing a daily moisturize with SPF... I worked the skin cancer angle, rather than "prevents wrinkles" angle.
posted by kimdog at 11:26 AM on March 7, 2011 [2 favorites]


If he's not a real fancy guy and this truly is something he'd like to address I'd suggest two things: moisturizer and sunscreen [or one moisturizer and sunscreen product]. Find something that either doesn't smell or that he likes the smell of. Explain how it works [i.e. "I put this on when I get out of the shower, before I go out in the sun, and in the morning after I brush my teeth"] and leave it up to him. If having a skin care routine turns out to be something he enjoys and has effects that he likes, then you can step him up and take him somewhere to get him some more customized and froufrou stuff. I'd just start with softer skin and safer skin [as kimdog says] and give it some time to get a little traction before getting him into a system.
posted by jessamyn at 11:28 AM on March 7, 2011


My wife is like this. I don't care about the anti-aging thing, everyone ages differently and at different rates anyway, but the no-moisturizer thing makes my own skin feel dry just thinking about it. I just say "Hey sweetheart, I picked up some moisturizer for you while I was out - you just use a little all over your face after you wash it." Start small and don't send him out on his own, most of what he'll encounter is just BS marketing, and you need to be really motivated to wade through all that.
posted by crabintheocean at 11:29 AM on March 7, 2011


Make him a spa appointment for a facial and a massage. You're being caring because you know he thinks it is a problem, but all skin is different and giving him access to a professional seems like a good place to start.
posted by Nickel Pickle at 11:32 AM on March 7, 2011 [1 favorite]


I do not know about anti-aging but I have been putting Cetaphil cream on my body and face after showering, shaving or bathing.

I helps keep my skin moisturized and probably helps with appearance, some. It is also non-fragrant and pretty easy to get in the routine of doing.
posted by Danf at 11:38 AM on March 7, 2011


My now-husband, then-boyfriend also had no skincare regime, and now he does, because I just brought some stuff home. It helped that my dad had to have skin cancer removed from his face and it was not a fun thing to watch heal. (We're all saying go for the skin cancer card, which is kind of hilarious.)

ANYWAY. He's mentioned that he's suddenly wrinkly. He may be "asking" in his own way for help. My husband uses Neutrogena products - one with sunscreen in the morning, one without at night. Easy peasy. I say just bring it home and express that you care about his wellbeing and comfort.
posted by Medieval Maven at 11:43 AM on March 7, 2011


I've found that men-without-beauty-chops respond very well to Kiehls products. I think you should buy him 2 or 3 essentials, put 'em in an accessible spot (even if you have to move yours out of the way!) and give him the gameplan. I bet he'll be hooked in no time.
posted by thinkpiece at 11:52 AM on March 7, 2011 [2 favorites]


I do wish he’d make a little effort

You wish he'd make a little effort, but I think you're making a lot of assumptions here. Despite what the media would tell us, I'd wager that the vast, vast majority of people don't do anything beyond just washing their face. (I'm a woman, I have nice skin, and I don't do anything but wash with Ivory soap and use sunscreen if I'm at the beach).

The next time he says "I didn’t have all these wrinkles a few years ago" why not just ask him if he'd be interested in you helping him develop a skincare routine. Just springing it on him smacks of "you look old".
posted by anastasiav at 11:55 AM on March 7, 2011 [17 favorites]


I'm all for sunscreen, and certainly crap skincare will make the appearance of wrinkles worse, but there is no skin care product that reverses wrinkles. The time for working on that was 20-40 years ago, and even then you may or may not have genetics on your side.

Also - I noticed this in my mother who has always taken very good care of her skin - there comes an age where you just lose the last of the fat in your face and are left with no filler and not a lot of youthful elasticity in the skin, and it can be a very dramatic "whoa, where did THAT come from?!" kind of change.

There will definitely be an improvement with improved skincare, but don't set him up to wake up 10 years younger, because he'll just give up when it doesn't happen.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:17 PM on March 7, 2011 [5 favorites]


Does he smoke?
posted by fritley at 12:18 PM on March 7, 2011


Oh, and to answer the actual question, he should wear sunscreen and not smoke. I've also heard (and experienced to an extent, though not wrt aging) that eating well, getting plenty of sleep, and drinking enough water are very good for the skin.

I cleanse with cetaphil, though I have a strong feeling that it's the genetics and not the cetaphil that is keeping me relatively wrinkle-free.

My great-grandmother, who lived to be 90 and had beautiful skin, swore by pond's cold cream. Though she was also a typical southern lady who caked on the makeup - I have no idea how or why a man would even use cold cream.
posted by Sara C. at 12:44 PM on March 7, 2011


I wish you could introduce him to my soon to be 73 year old father :) More anti aging creams, lotions and potions than you can imagine he's willing to try them all. It started with psoriasis and extremely dry skin but now you wouldn't get him to admit to wanting to keep his skin looking 50 ;p

If he himself mentions that he doesn't do anything and wonders why his skin has wrinkled more than he imagined, then perhaps it wouldn't be difficult to simply add a light moisturizing lotion to the daily routine, right after the shower is best. The rest may not be manageable if one is not in the habit, I personally can't remember to do anything but that right after shower routine is easy enough to maintain in the "getting ready list of stuff to do".

Nivea has good basic stuff in masculine packaging that blends in well with shave cream, antiperspirant, shampoo etc so that might work. Bring it home and put it out there with the rest of the stuff and leave it be. I suspect that sunscreen protection most likely would be built in as they say men who shave have more sensitive skin than women. Wait a few days and see how it works or buy those $1 or $2 travel size samples.
posted by infini at 12:59 PM on March 7, 2011


At 52, I don't think there's really much "anti-aging" one can do without major interventions -- irritating lotions, chemical peels, face lifts, and the like. If you want to keep him from getting skin cancer, then sunscreen and a hat, for sure. But I don't think the wrinkles are going anywhere.
posted by yarly at 1:06 PM on March 7, 2011 [3 favorites]


Sunscreen is a good idea, but in reality while that will prevent premature aging, it wont really do much to prevent wrinkles in a 50-something. Keyword is premature.

You might want to reconsider the concept of stripping the (natural) oils from your skin and then replacing them with industrially produced chemicals concept, however. Why even use soap?
posted by rr at 1:29 PM on March 7, 2011 [1 favorite]


What makes you so sure this is all about moisturizer? Help him clean up his lifestyle: give him a good multi-vitamin, and feed him lots of salmon or other fish with omega-3 oil. I'm a female who never uses moisturizer either-- last year when I was 39, the sales clerk at Sephora guessed I was 23. Oh, and I've never smoked or done drugs, stay out of the sun, avoid red meat and processed crap foods, and work out regularly. Go figure.
posted by aquafortis at 1:36 PM on March 7, 2011 [2 favorites]


OK, so I'm 54 and last week coming through Customs at LaGuardia the agent could not believe my age -- he was teasing me about a stolen passport. Genetics, first (thanks, Ma!). But I use a glycolic wash and a damn fine face cream with sunscreen and a damn fine night cream. YM will of course V, and time marches the fuck on, but I'm a believer in Products.
posted by thinkpiece at 1:50 PM on March 7, 2011 [2 favorites]


Oh yeah, and smoking, excessive drinking, too much salt and not enough sleep wreak havoc. Get him some cool sunglasses too, they are my number #1 anti-aging weapon.
posted by thinkpiece at 1:52 PM on March 7, 2011


It's worth noting that actual studies of anti-aging creams and the like show that most of them do nothing (and some make the situation worse), so people who have nice skin in their later years may want to just accept that genes have as much to do with that as, for example, keeping your hair. No one would go around saying "I kept my hair because I used XXX conditioner" and so on. If things are really bad, yeah, propecia, but in general it's out of your control. Ditto skin.
posted by rr at 2:02 PM on March 7, 2011 [4 favorites]


Not to get all Mayo Clinic on you, but in fact, some ingredients have been proven to have beneficial effects, including softening/reducing wrinkles, decreasing inflammation, decreasing dark spots that make wrinkles appear worse ... Obviously, cosmeceuticals are a gazillion dollar industry and the buyer must beware but having said that, advances have been made. You can look these up yourself ...
Retinol. Hydroxy acids. Coenzyme Q10. Copper peptides. Kinetin. Tea extracts.
posted by thinkpiece at 2:14 PM on March 7, 2011 [2 favorites]


Moisturizer will help temporarily, especially if it's one with some sort of filler in it. These plump skin for a few hours to compensate for lack of collagen and fat. They do not actually improve wrinkles over time but the temporary effect is dramatic.

If you have the money and he's open to it, lasers really do work fabulously for sunspots and sometimes pretty good on wrinkles. Help him wade through the research and pick a doctor to do it who has the latest, most safe laser and is realistic about what can be accomplished. You will get more bang for your buck this way than with creams, guaranteed. He will still need to adopt a basic cleanse + sunscreen routine.

Is this about you not wanting to be seen with someone who looks alot older than you all of a sudden?
posted by slow graffiti at 2:39 PM on March 7, 2011


The key to this issue is psychological. If your guy doesn't care how old his skin looks, none of this will have any effect and you just need to roll with it.

I'm 45 and my skin looks about 35; Misterben is 46 and looked like late-30s until some persistent long-term work-related stress about a year ago - now he looks closer to his actual age. I know he cares about his age is perceived for professional reasons because he has told me so.

Over the last couple of years I've been bringing home nice unscented SPF moisturizers and exfoliants and showing him how to use them - using an approach of "hey here's something fun we can do together" - he'd use them for a while and then start forgetting again. Finally I mentioned something very gently about how I had noticed some wrinkles starting to show up in the corners of his eyes, and mentioned it was probably because of the stress, and I thought he looked great no matter what, but that he might want to know. And then I didn't say anything about it again.

After that I noticed he started to use products much more consistently. I went and got a facial and came home raving about it, and then a while later asked him if he would like to get one, and he said yes so I scheduled it for him. I know that she will be a neutral person who can talk to him more directly about his own skin than I could.

The key to this is that I knew Misterben would be motivated to use daily SPF, to moisturize and exfoliate if he knew it was affecting his appearance in a way that matters to him. Also the fact that I had previously modeled how easy it was to have a daily care routine, and provided products that were available to him and not aesthetically unpleasing to him.

I think it also helps that I've been going to the same aesthetician for years and he's met her so he knows she's not a crackpot or a shill.
posted by matildaben at 2:56 PM on March 7, 2011 [1 favorite]


Next time he expresses regret about his wrinkles, tell him that a true wrinkle doesn't disappear with moisturization and good skin care, but a dry line does. That might spark his interest, perhaps.
posted by tel3path at 4:21 PM on March 7, 2011


I don't want to derail this thread too much but...what, exactly, is the anti-aging regimen you wish your boyfriend followed? I'm a man and, like anastasiav, I just wash my face daily. I used to use Body Shop body butter but it's god-awful expensive and I couldn't see a difference after using it regularly for a few months.

What am I missing? What happens if you don't use a more extensive range of skin-care products? I always assumed skin-care products were snake-oil and did something misleading like hydrate your skin temporarily and make it appear more taut, and that skin naturally degrades with age regardless of intervention. Of course, skin is a body organ and a living, breathing entity, quite unlike hair, which is indisputably dead...right? But if skin regenerates all seven layers once every thirty days, what conceivable difference can a skin care product make?

How little do I know?!
posted by asymptotic at 6:08 AM on March 8, 2011


Book him for a microdermabrasion session. The resultant smooth skin will come as a shock to him. The hour spent with a skin specialist will teach him plenty too.
posted by Dragonness at 8:19 AM on March 8, 2011


My long term partner is 52, I am 37.
He has never given a slight thought to skincare and doesn't look a day over 40.
Considering a rough cross section of people I know who are over 45, some of who smoke, drink, party too much, hang out in the sun...I would have to go with genetics, because the usual list of suspects which are supposed to accelerate the aging process don't appear to have affected all of them. Some of the non smokers look much older than the smokers, etc.

Or perhaps it's something in the air round these parts. The mind boggles.
posted by noella at 2:23 AM on March 9, 2011


« Older His Name Even Means Curly Headed   |   Sorry for the grossness Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.