Need some Mrs. Manner's advice, stat.
March 6, 2011 9:50 AM Subscribe
Question about a wedding invitation situation with a coworker/ college friend...
My coworker/ college friend "Jason" is getting married this summer to his awesome fiance "Charlene." I am very excited for them! They met about three years ago - I've known Jason for about 6 years, and met Charlene around the time they started dating. Their wedding is going to be a couple states away - definitely a flight, probably two nights in a hotel. Charlene's family, who are very Southern and traditional, are hosting the wedding.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for seven years (eg - the entire time Jason has known me I've been with the boyfriend) and living together for two years. Jason and Charlene know both of us, and while Jason and I hang out sometimes without SO's (we work together and all), usually if Charlene is around, my boyfriend is around, too.
I just got my save the date for their wedding - it was addressed to mine and my boyfriend's apartment, but with only my name on it. Does this mean that the invitation is only going to be addressed to me, too? Is there a chance the invitation will say "and Guest"? Is it just me, or wouldn't it be weird to "and Guest" someone that you actually know?
I will admit I know only limited amounts about wedding etiquette, and I know that not everyone get's a "plus one" because of how expensive weddings are, etc, etc. I would probably be a little bit annoyed if they don't invite the boyfriend (I think after seven years you don't count as a regular plus one), but I more just don't understand if I should interpret this Save the Date as a subtle way of letting me know it's just me that is invited or not.
My coworker/ college friend "Jason" is getting married this summer to his awesome fiance "Charlene." I am very excited for them! They met about three years ago - I've known Jason for about 6 years, and met Charlene around the time they started dating. Their wedding is going to be a couple states away - definitely a flight, probably two nights in a hotel. Charlene's family, who are very Southern and traditional, are hosting the wedding.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for seven years (eg - the entire time Jason has known me I've been with the boyfriend) and living together for two years. Jason and Charlene know both of us, and while Jason and I hang out sometimes without SO's (we work together and all), usually if Charlene is around, my boyfriend is around, too.
I just got my save the date for their wedding - it was addressed to mine and my boyfriend's apartment, but with only my name on it. Does this mean that the invitation is only going to be addressed to me, too? Is there a chance the invitation will say "and Guest"? Is it just me, or wouldn't it be weird to "and Guest" someone that you actually know?
I will admit I know only limited amounts about wedding etiquette, and I know that not everyone get's a "plus one" because of how expensive weddings are, etc, etc. I would probably be a little bit annoyed if they don't invite the boyfriend (I think after seven years you don't count as a regular plus one), but I more just don't understand if I should interpret this Save the Date as a subtle way of letting me know it's just me that is invited or not.
Best answer: I wouldn't read too much into it -- people aren't as careful with those kinds of details when it comes to "Save the date" cards, and it could easily have been a thoughtless oversight, indicative of nothing.
That said, given that you'll have to travel, I don't think that asking to be sure would be out of line. Since you see Jason on a regular basis, when an opportunity presents itself just say something along the lines of, "Hey! I'd like to make arrangements for your wedding soon! I don't know how big your guest list is, so I just wanted to double-check about whether or not Boyfriend should be making arrangements, too." If you keep it low-key and non-judgmental, it should be fine.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 9:57 AM on March 6, 2011 [13 favorites]
That said, given that you'll have to travel, I don't think that asking to be sure would be out of line. Since you see Jason on a regular basis, when an opportunity presents itself just say something along the lines of, "Hey! I'd like to make arrangements for your wedding soon! I don't know how big your guest list is, so I just wanted to double-check about whether or not Boyfriend should be making arrangements, too." If you keep it low-key and non-judgmental, it should be fine.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 9:57 AM on March 6, 2011 [13 favorites]
Married and cohabiting couples are properly invited as couples. Partners are not invited by the wording "and guest", because if you aren't close enough to someone to know their name, they shouldn't be attending such a major occasion, and if you do know someone's name you should use it.
It looks like you should be prepared for the invitation to be addressed only to you, in which case only you are invited, which would be quite rude. Their communication is clumsy here because you're between the rock of presuming rudeness on their part or the hard place of asking and perhaps inadvertently manipulating them.
Still, you need to organize yourself. I'd ask, "Just checking, the invitation will be for me only, right?" However they answer, you can reply "cool, I'll coordinate with Partner." If you don't want to go on your own, you have an out, but make sure your alibi is airtight and is something more pressing than cleaning out the garage.
posted by tel3path at 10:05 AM on March 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
It looks like you should be prepared for the invitation to be addressed only to you, in which case only you are invited, which would be quite rude. Their communication is clumsy here because you're between the rock of presuming rudeness on their part or the hard place of asking and perhaps inadvertently manipulating them.
Still, you need to organize yourself. I'd ask, "Just checking, the invitation will be for me only, right?" However they answer, you can reply "cool, I'll coordinate with Partner." If you don't want to go on your own, you have an out, but make sure your alibi is airtight and is something more pressing than cleaning out the garage.
posted by tel3path at 10:05 AM on March 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
Yeah, I don't think there's any way to know for sure in this situation than to ask.
posted by Windigo at 10:08 AM on March 6, 2011
posted by Windigo at 10:08 AM on March 6, 2011
My fiancé and I received a wedding invitation addressed to
him "and guest." It was definitely a little weird, especially since we live together, but the we just chalked it up to the bizarreness of wedding etiquette.
As to who the actual invitation will be addressed to, I guess you'll have to wait and see. Apparently the rule is that you can't uninvite anyone who's gotten a save-the-date, but you can always add more people. Maybe they're still trying to nail down locations and costs and wanted to leave some room on their lists.
Wedding planning sucks.
posted by charmcityblues at 10:12 AM on March 6, 2011
him "and guest." It was definitely a little weird, especially since we live together, but the we just chalked it up to the bizarreness of wedding etiquette.
As to who the actual invitation will be addressed to, I guess you'll have to wait and see. Apparently the rule is that you can't uninvite anyone who's gotten a save-the-date, but you can always add more people. Maybe they're still trying to nail down locations and costs and wanted to leave some room on their lists.
Wedding planning sucks.
posted by charmcityblues at 10:12 AM on March 6, 2011
I can imagine that there is a bit of invitation telephone going on here: Jason told Charlene to invite you, who told her mom, who told her sister. Sister asks mom your boyfriend's name, but she doesn't know, either. They figure it is a detail to work out later, and they send out the save the dates now.
Or they are just inviting you. Go ask.
posted by Monday at 11:41 AM on March 6, 2011
Or they are just inviting you. Go ask.
posted by Monday at 11:41 AM on March 6, 2011
Best answer: As a Southern lady, I've never invited a plus one to a wedding (or other event - it's tacky). The assumption is that anyone invited is invited to bring an escort/date. I've brought my husband & my sister as dates. Dates are always assumed/accounted for but never a necessity. (You take offense that your guy wasn't accounted for, but cousin Ethel takes offense bc she has no one to bring and feels like a loser if they write plus one.).
There will be an RSVP card with a space to fill in how many people are coming - at which point you will write 2. Chances are that Jason (and even his bride) have very little input to this process at this time. (southern weddings have lots of mamas/aunts/sisters involved who do not know you or your unique relationship details.)
posted by Kronur at 11:53 AM on March 6, 2011
There will be an RSVP card with a space to fill in how many people are coming - at which point you will write 2. Chances are that Jason (and even his bride) have very little input to this process at this time. (southern weddings have lots of mamas/aunts/sisters involved who do not know you or your unique relationship details.)
posted by Kronur at 11:53 AM on March 6, 2011
Yeah, they probably expect you to bring the boyfriend, but you are "officially" the friend they are inviting. (For example, if you broke up, you're the one they'd keep in touch with. Doesn't mean they don't like him. Just means they knew you first/better.) Double check, but there's no reason that you've given to think he's not invited.
posted by maryr at 12:11 PM on March 6, 2011
posted by maryr at 12:11 PM on March 6, 2011
I wouldn't worry about the wording - ie, whether they will put his name vs. "and Guest", since the firm traditional line would be that he's a Guest unless you're married, but the firm traditional line has been challenged by the rise in longterm cohabitation (so you have points of view like tel3path's becoming common). There's no way to know which side of that line they will fall on, and you shouldn't take offense either way, it's no reflection on your relationship.
But the question of whether bf is invited at all has practical consequences, and if you're needing to make arrangements for travel well before you get the actual invitation, you'll have to ask. Narrative Priorities has a good suggested wording.
An even better method is to get a third party (mutual friend) to ask behind the scenes, since it may be easier for the couple to say "nope, small guest list/family politics, regrettably we couldn't invite bf" to third party than to say it to your face. Strictly speaking, your evidence so far (the address line of the save the date card) shows bf as NOT being invited, so you are in a delicate position if you want to make inquiries. (Since you don't want to come off as insisting he be invited.) Hence, third party or extremely careful wording.
Do NOT - under any circumstances - just presume to bring along a guest without confirmation that he is invited. (Maybe it's customary in their circles, maybe not, you don't know.) Again, tactful wording or preferably third party back channel communication is the way to go here.
posted by LobsterMitten at 12:37 PM on March 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
But the question of whether bf is invited at all has practical consequences, and if you're needing to make arrangements for travel well before you get the actual invitation, you'll have to ask. Narrative Priorities has a good suggested wording.
An even better method is to get a third party (mutual friend) to ask behind the scenes, since it may be easier for the couple to say "nope, small guest list/family politics, regrettably we couldn't invite bf" to third party than to say it to your face. Strictly speaking, your evidence so far (the address line of the save the date card) shows bf as NOT being invited, so you are in a delicate position if you want to make inquiries. (Since you don't want to come off as insisting he be invited.) Hence, third party or extremely careful wording.
Do NOT - under any circumstances - just presume to bring along a guest without confirmation that he is invited. (Maybe it's customary in their circles, maybe not, you don't know.) Again, tactful wording or preferably third party back channel communication is the way to go here.
posted by LobsterMitten at 12:37 PM on March 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Chances are that Jason (and even his bride) have very little input to this process at this time. (southern weddings have lots of mamas/aunts/sisters involved who do not know you or your unique relationship details.)
This is what I think is happening. You need to ask, politely and neutrally. It's probably not a slight or a hint. It's Aunt Merlyne filling out the cards based on what Cousin Ruth had written down from a conversation with Charlene's mama.
posted by winna at 12:54 PM on March 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
This is what I think is happening. You need to ask, politely and neutrally. It's probably not a slight or a hint. It's Aunt Merlyne filling out the cards based on what Cousin Ruth had written down from a conversation with Charlene's mama.
posted by winna at 12:54 PM on March 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: This less a question about wedding etiquette and more simply just the question of whether or not your boyfriend is invited. Etiquette would dictate that both members of a live-in couple be invited; it would be very rude to invite only one of the two, just as it would be rude to invite just one half of a married couple. Many people do not follow traditional etiquette rules, though, so that's really a moot point.
The most polite thing to do would be to wait for the invitation to arrive and see whether or not your boyfriend's name (or "and Guest") is on it. Is this possible? Invitations are usually sent 6-8 weeks in advance; does that leave you enough time to make travel arrangements? (I don't book flights very often, so I don't know if 6-8 weeks is sufficient time to get a good price & make arrangements or not.) Unless you absolutely must make travel arrangements now, I wouldn't ask Jason or Charlene about it. If I were you and it turned out my boyfriend weren't invited, I'd simply decline to attend and send a card - but that's just me.
posted by pecanpies at 1:02 PM on March 6, 2011
The most polite thing to do would be to wait for the invitation to arrive and see whether or not your boyfriend's name (or "and Guest") is on it. Is this possible? Invitations are usually sent 6-8 weeks in advance; does that leave you enough time to make travel arrangements? (I don't book flights very often, so I don't know if 6-8 weeks is sufficient time to get a good price & make arrangements or not.) Unless you absolutely must make travel arrangements now, I wouldn't ask Jason or Charlene about it. If I were you and it turned out my boyfriend weren't invited, I'd simply decline to attend and send a card - but that's just me.
posted by pecanpies at 1:02 PM on March 6, 2011
I think I might ask, but let them know it is fine if they have made whatever decisions they have. I one time received an invitation addressed to just myself and travelled several states away and when I arrived, they kept asking where my partner was.
posted by katinka-katinka at 2:55 PM on March 6, 2011
posted by katinka-katinka at 2:55 PM on March 6, 2011
Response by poster: The comments about how it was probably the aunts or cousins or whomever who wrote the save the dates seems right - I just double checked the post mark, and the save the dates were sent from the state where Charlene's family is, and not from the city in which Jason, Charlene, and I all live.
I think I'll probably hold out for a couple weeks and see if I get the invitation (eg if it is addressed to only me, and the RSVP card doesn't have one of those "how many will be attending?" lines, I'll have my answer) but if it gets to the point that I need to be making the travel arrangements I'll find a way to gently ask.
Thanks for all the reply's - and Narrative Priorities for that wording of how to ask the question!
posted by CharlieSue at 4:01 PM on March 6, 2011
I think I'll probably hold out for a couple weeks and see if I get the invitation (eg if it is addressed to only me, and the RSVP card doesn't have one of those "how many will be attending?" lines, I'll have my answer) but if it gets to the point that I need to be making the travel arrangements I'll find a way to gently ask.
Thanks for all the reply's - and Narrative Priorities for that wording of how to ask the question!
posted by CharlieSue at 4:01 PM on March 6, 2011
The assumption is that anyone invited is invited to bring an escort/date.
I'm also a Southerner, and in my experience this is not something that can be assumed. Unless maybe you happen to know that they are seriously wealthy and seriously old school. In general, though, people in the south are not tertiary characters in Gone With The Wind. You really shouldn't assume that you are invited to bring a guest if you aren't explicitly invited to bring a guest, or that your boyfriend is invited if his name isn't on the invitation. Just like anyone else's wedding.
posted by Sara C. at 7:16 PM on March 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm also a Southerner, and in my experience this is not something that can be assumed. Unless maybe you happen to know that they are seriously wealthy and seriously old school. In general, though, people in the south are not tertiary characters in Gone With The Wind. You really shouldn't assume that you are invited to bring a guest if you aren't explicitly invited to bring a guest, or that your boyfriend is invited if his name isn't on the invitation. Just like anyone else's wedding.
posted by Sara C. at 7:16 PM on March 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: To be clear, I'd never assume I had a date to anything - that is why I posted the question! I just wasn't sure if there was some Southern tradition that would dictate that only my name would be on the invite (since we aren't married) as liketitanic suggested.
Thanks again everyone!
posted by CharlieSue at 10:07 AM on March 7, 2011
Thanks again everyone!
posted by CharlieSue at 10:07 AM on March 7, 2011
Response by poster: Just as a final follow up - the comment about the aunt's cousin's sister not knowing his name seems right - we finally received the official invitation, which was addressed to me and a "similar" version of my boyfriends name (eg Brad vs. Brian kind of situation).
It ended up working out, since we were both invited. Thanks again MeFi!
posted by CharlieSue at 9:25 PM on May 13, 2011
It ended up working out, since we were both invited. Thanks again MeFi!
posted by CharlieSue at 9:25 PM on May 13, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by grouse at 9:55 AM on March 6, 2011