Want to move to my girlfriends city ASAP. HELP!
March 5, 2011 8:36 AM Subscribe
I'm in a long distance relationship, and have been for about a couple years. Every day that passes, I feel I need to move there, but there's complications...
1) I live with my ex-girlfriend (long story) and a friend of ours. Oh, we (ex-GF and I) also have a joint loan that needs to be paid off. I can't recall when it's supposed to be paid off. I'll have to look into it.
2) The economy in my community is pretty strong, and I have a good job which, while it drives me nuts at times (like... *really* nuts), pays well and i get nice xmas bonuses and health care. The economy in my current-gf's community (8 hours away) is, however, not good (rust belt region).
3) She has a teenage son who she wants to make sure is stable and has a good environment/stays w/his friends while finishing the last few years of school. So her moving to my area is out.
4) I have another year on my lease until 2012 (at least, I believe so - the lease is up in July so it's still a short time to get the eggs in a basket).
5) I've promised work years ago that I would stay on for a while and help hire and train the new person. My job is a year long process that has different aspects depending on what part of the year it is. I'm the only one that does my job, so there's no way anyone can easily train someone else if I up and leave. So I need to give a long term notice so they're not fucked over.
6) I want to move NOW or as soon as possible, however, those three factors (lease/job/loan) are pretty big sticking points.
I know I could in theory sublet my room to someone, but that's always a gamble, and since it's 2 other people in this apartment besides me, it's important for them to be able to not be stiffed over.
I know I need to start prepping for any potential move. I know I should also discuss this with the roomies and get their opinions.
My big concern is trying to get a new job in a shit market that will pay less. I need to help make payments on that loan, or pay it off ASAP.
What can I do? I feel trapped. I am bored and tired of my job (but can't think of any job that I wouldn't feel this way). I have anxiety issues, so starting a new job is a stressful and scary experiences..
I have no way to move to my love and it's putting a strain on us, and I will fight the best I can to save our relationship/make things easier for us, but it's also hard when there's so many limiting factors.
1) I live with my ex-girlfriend (long story) and a friend of ours. Oh, we (ex-GF and I) also have a joint loan that needs to be paid off. I can't recall when it's supposed to be paid off. I'll have to look into it.
2) The economy in my community is pretty strong, and I have a good job which, while it drives me nuts at times (like... *really* nuts), pays well and i get nice xmas bonuses and health care. The economy in my current-gf's community (8 hours away) is, however, not good (rust belt region).
3) She has a teenage son who she wants to make sure is stable and has a good environment/stays w/his friends while finishing the last few years of school. So her moving to my area is out.
4) I have another year on my lease until 2012 (at least, I believe so - the lease is up in July so it's still a short time to get the eggs in a basket).
5) I've promised work years ago that I would stay on for a while and help hire and train the new person. My job is a year long process that has different aspects depending on what part of the year it is. I'm the only one that does my job, so there's no way anyone can easily train someone else if I up and leave. So I need to give a long term notice so they're not fucked over.
6) I want to move NOW or as soon as possible, however, those three factors (lease/job/loan) are pretty big sticking points.
I know I could in theory sublet my room to someone, but that's always a gamble, and since it's 2 other people in this apartment besides me, it's important for them to be able to not be stiffed over.
I know I need to start prepping for any potential move. I know I should also discuss this with the roomies and get their opinions.
My big concern is trying to get a new job in a shit market that will pay less. I need to help make payments on that loan, or pay it off ASAP.
What can I do? I feel trapped. I am bored and tired of my job (but can't think of any job that I wouldn't feel this way). I have anxiety issues, so starting a new job is a stressful and scary experiences..
I have no way to move to my love and it's putting a strain on us, and I will fight the best I can to save our relationship/make things easier for us, but it's also hard when there's so many limiting factors.
This post was deleted for the following reason: posters request -- jessamyn
-> Maybe finding a job near to your current gf is a good way to do it. Try start searching for the job in your profession, try get some contacts/networking going, talk to HRs, fix appointments with managers etc and findout if they have any openings. If so, be in touch and look for better opportunities until then.
-> Try and ask your current company if you can do a remote job if your work doesn't involve you physically.
-> 8hrs can be a decent drive during the week-ends. Go meet your current gf every 4 days. Ask your company that you would want to work only 4 days with 10hrs a day shift and go to your current gf on a thursday evening. You will get to spend 3 days in a week with her now. Or Maybe ask her to be with you once in a while
-> If you feel resigned, cultivate a different hobby which your current gf is interested in and make her involve in your every day discussions and it will keep you guys engaged. Don't get to a point where you dilute your relationship with this though.
-> Try and make yourself a better career during the evenings once you are back.
Hope this helps...
posted by shmikkil at 8:52 AM on March 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
-> Try and ask your current company if you can do a remote job if your work doesn't involve you physically.
-> 8hrs can be a decent drive during the week-ends. Go meet your current gf every 4 days. Ask your company that you would want to work only 4 days with 10hrs a day shift and go to your current gf on a thursday evening. You will get to spend 3 days in a week with her now. Or Maybe ask her to be with you once in a while
-> If you feel resigned, cultivate a different hobby which your current gf is interested in and make her involve in your every day discussions and it will keep you guys engaged. Don't get to a point where you dilute your relationship with this though.
-> Try and make yourself a better career during the evenings once you are back.
Hope this helps...
posted by shmikkil at 8:52 AM on March 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
If I was able to get some points in very few minutes, I am sure you will find a better solution suiting your needs if you have a pen and paper for an hour with all the possibilities. Good Luck!
posted by shmikkil at 8:55 AM on March 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by shmikkil at 8:55 AM on March 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
You just need to start sorting all three things. Sorting them is not just theoretical option, it is a real one.
The loan is a red herring. There is no reason why you can't keep paying it in a new location.
It would probably be an idea to dug out the loaf documentation and your lease and work out how long they both run though.
There is no reason why your room mates can't happily share with someone else.
And there is no obligation on your part to stay on for a long time to train your successor or why a slightly less well paid job won't sustain you if you and the other half no longer have the added travel expense for example.
posted by koahiatamadl at 8:55 AM on March 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
The loan is a red herring. There is no reason why you can't keep paying it in a new location.
It would probably be an idea to dug out the loaf documentation and your lease and work out how long they both run though.
There is no reason why your room mates can't happily share with someone else.
And there is no obligation on your part to stay on for a long time to train your successor or why a slightly less well paid job won't sustain you if you and the other half no longer have the added travel expense for example.
posted by koahiatamadl at 8:55 AM on March 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
It honestly sounds like a lot of your issues are solvable by 1) finding a job in her area, and 2) rearranging your priorities.
So the job market in her area sucks, that doesn't mean you can't actively look. It may take a while which would be good for training purposes and if will ease tension in that you are taking steps for your relationship. I'm not clear from what you wrote--are you training a backup at your work now? If not and what you mean is that they expect you to give a year's notice that is absurd. I know you don't want to screw them, but it is their responsibility to take care of themselves as well.
You also don't have to live somewhere forever just because you have roommates. Give lots of notice and be as accommodating as you can as they figure out what they're going to do.
As far as the loan goes, why can't you continue to make payments from 8 hours away?
You are not trapped, you are just facing doing things you don't want to do. The best way to make good choices for your relationship is to, well, choose your relationship by making it a priority. Be responsible for your other situations, but make compromises to the best-case scenarios for them in favor of getting your ass to your girlfriend.
posted by Kimberly at 8:56 AM on March 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
So the job market in her area sucks, that doesn't mean you can't actively look. It may take a while which would be good for training purposes and if will ease tension in that you are taking steps for your relationship. I'm not clear from what you wrote--are you training a backup at your work now? If not and what you mean is that they expect you to give a year's notice that is absurd. I know you don't want to screw them, but it is their responsibility to take care of themselves as well.
You also don't have to live somewhere forever just because you have roommates. Give lots of notice and be as accommodating as you can as they figure out what they're going to do.
As far as the loan goes, why can't you continue to make payments from 8 hours away?
You are not trapped, you are just facing doing things you don't want to do. The best way to make good choices for your relationship is to, well, choose your relationship by making it a priority. Be responsible for your other situations, but make compromises to the best-case scenarios for them in favor of getting your ass to your girlfriend.
posted by Kimberly at 8:56 AM on March 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks for all the responses so far. Right now it's really about me manning up to my responsibilities and getting the ball going. I guess I've been in a "comfort" zone and it's been too easy to just say "ah, it's working" but it's not. There's stressors and I don't want those stressors to destroy us, so I will take a bit of stress now in order to proceed.
I understand that I don't have to give a year, and I don't think a full year is really absolutely necessary. But definitely a few months for finding someone and training is appropriate. I'll offer to check in via phone to help out now and then as well.
I know ultimately it's about getting off my ass and doing the right thing, and planning. Things I'm not particularly good at, but things that have to be done.
I know I can get a job that pays less, there, and be fine, since I wont' be blowing a huge chunk on travel...
All these answers have helped inspire and push me to do this. Thanks everyone. I'm still gonna keep looking and keep the thread open in hopes for some more handy hints. I appreciate them soooooooooo much.
posted by symbioid at 9:15 AM on March 5, 2011
I understand that I don't have to give a year, and I don't think a full year is really absolutely necessary. But definitely a few months for finding someone and training is appropriate. I'll offer to check in via phone to help out now and then as well.
I know ultimately it's about getting off my ass and doing the right thing, and planning. Things I'm not particularly good at, but things that have to be done.
I know I can get a job that pays less, there, and be fine, since I wont' be blowing a huge chunk on travel...
All these answers have helped inspire and push me to do this. Thanks everyone. I'm still gonna keep looking and keep the thread open in hopes for some more handy hints. I appreciate them soooooooooo much.
posted by symbioid at 9:15 AM on March 5, 2011
Best answer: This is similar to my own situation except for the "need to move there NOW" part. I'm in a long distance relationship with a guy who was, until recently, living with an ex who he had mutual financial responsibilities with. He also has a son, so he's not really mobile. And he was, at least at some points, making all the right long-term-commitment noises to me while not being totally able to explain how he was going to get from there to here. As far as I was [and am] concerned, if you're still playing house with an ex, unless you've got very strong and clearly defined boundaries, that's a red flag. And if you're still financially entangled, that's another red flag. So, I am somewhat projecting here, but if one of the things that is spurring you to move in with your girlfriend is that there is some friction over your current arrangement, I'd say that you can probably make clear "I'm on it" movements even as some of the resolutions will take longer to complete.
So, for starters
1. figure out when the loan is due and figure out what you owe and have a realistic discussion with your ex about whether you could pay it off early, or otherwise buy her out of this. Not that a loan can't be paid off over time, but it's my personal opinion that freeing yourself up from past obligations like this allows you to be freed up for entering into similar responsibilities with your current girlfriend.
2. Talk to your housemates about how you want to move in with your girlfriend and get that on the table as something you want to do. You don't have to offer any ultimatums or anything, just explain it and you can all start working on it.
3. I think you're making the job thing into a bigger deal than it needs to be. Of course it's a good idea for you to give as much notice as you can but this is a courtesy and not an obligation that should prevent you from being in a happy situation with your girlfriend. Start laying groundwork NOW, today or Monday for an eventual transition. Make a timeline of things that need to happen. See if you could shift to 4 ten hour days or some other alternative arrangement.
Also, and again this is from my personal experience and may not be relevant to you, if at nay point you're balking on this sort of thing because you're afraid of what your ex-who-you-live-with will say or do, you need to take a long hard look at where your priorities lie and make some conscious decisions to do things differently. I know anxiety is a powerful motivator and anti-motivator, but it can also be managed. It's not enough to say "this makes me anxious" and then have it be a reason not to do things.
Each week you're contemplating this you should be taking real actions to move yourself closer to what you say you want [moving in with the girlfriend] and away from the situation you are in now. Watch yourself and make sure you are actually taking those steps.
posted by jessamyn at 9:25 AM on March 5, 2011 [8 favorites]
So, for starters
1. figure out when the loan is due and figure out what you owe and have a realistic discussion with your ex about whether you could pay it off early, or otherwise buy her out of this. Not that a loan can't be paid off over time, but it's my personal opinion that freeing yourself up from past obligations like this allows you to be freed up for entering into similar responsibilities with your current girlfriend.
2. Talk to your housemates about how you want to move in with your girlfriend and get that on the table as something you want to do. You don't have to offer any ultimatums or anything, just explain it and you can all start working on it.
3. I think you're making the job thing into a bigger deal than it needs to be. Of course it's a good idea for you to give as much notice as you can but this is a courtesy and not an obligation that should prevent you from being in a happy situation with your girlfriend. Start laying groundwork NOW, today or Monday for an eventual transition. Make a timeline of things that need to happen. See if you could shift to 4 ten hour days or some other alternative arrangement.
Also, and again this is from my personal experience and may not be relevant to you, if at nay point you're balking on this sort of thing because you're afraid of what your ex-who-you-live-with will say or do, you need to take a long hard look at where your priorities lie and make some conscious decisions to do things differently. I know anxiety is a powerful motivator and anti-motivator, but it can also be managed. It's not enough to say "this makes me anxious" and then have it be a reason not to do things.
Each week you're contemplating this you should be taking real actions to move yourself closer to what you say you want [moving in with the girlfriend] and away from the situation you are in now. Watch yourself and make sure you are actually taking those steps.
posted by jessamyn at 9:25 AM on March 5, 2011 [8 favorites]
Are you sure you want to move?
Living with your ex... having complicated financial arrangements with her that you have been unwilling to even familiarize yourself with... having a lease commitment that you are also unwilling to familiarize yourself with... tells me you are procrastinating.
Nobody owes their job more than 2 weeks notice, it really is your employers responsibility to have succession issues mitigated.
Deep down you are not ready to move. This might not be the right relationship or you might not be ready for the commitment. Start with these issues first!
posted by jbenben at 11:34 AM on March 5, 2011 [3 favorites]
Living with your ex... having complicated financial arrangements with her that you have been unwilling to even familiarize yourself with... having a lease commitment that you are also unwilling to familiarize yourself with... tells me you are procrastinating.
Nobody owes their job more than 2 weeks notice, it really is your employers responsibility to have succession issues mitigated.
Deep down you are not ready to move. This might not be the right relationship or you might not be ready for the commitment. Start with these issues first!
posted by jbenben at 11:34 AM on March 5, 2011 [3 favorites]
Is it possible that you could write a 'procedures manual' for your job, so your successor would have written guidelines? And put your cellphone number in it, so if they really get stuck they can call you. That would ease your guilt about the job, at least.
posted by malibustacey9999 at 1:50 PM on March 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by malibustacey9999 at 1:50 PM on March 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: malibustacey9999: "Is it possible that you could write a 'procedures manual' for your job, so your successor would have written guidelines? And put your cellphone number in it, so if they really get stuck they can call you. That would ease your guilt about the job, at least"
That's definitely one thing I need to do. Though I don't have a cell. That said, yes, I plan to remain in contact. The job thing is hard to explain, and yes, it *is* their responsibility to have a plan in place for transition. True.
Anyways - the latest status is: I talked to my ex, and am going to talk to my roomie (she was gone all day and is in bed now). This morning we discussed it, and yes we already signed the lease. I don't have much in savings, what little I had went to car repair, so I can't just shell out money (If I could, I totally would). But based on what I owe for the loan + need to train and other factors, I think I can set a deadline for 1 year. That's still before the lease is up. I will have a firm date and everything can be set - I can use my xmas bonus to pay the final few months of rent, and hopefully pay off my part of the loan before then. I think just having a final date/time set as a goal is a relief to both me and my current girlfriend.
Thanks for the feedback. It was good to get some positive support and a kick in the ass, as it were.
posted by symbioid at 5:49 PM on March 5, 2011
That's definitely one thing I need to do. Though I don't have a cell. That said, yes, I plan to remain in contact. The job thing is hard to explain, and yes, it *is* their responsibility to have a plan in place for transition. True.
Anyways - the latest status is: I talked to my ex, and am going to talk to my roomie (she was gone all day and is in bed now). This morning we discussed it, and yes we already signed the lease. I don't have much in savings, what little I had went to car repair, so I can't just shell out money (If I could, I totally would). But based on what I owe for the loan + need to train and other factors, I think I can set a deadline for 1 year. That's still before the lease is up. I will have a firm date and everything can be set - I can use my xmas bonus to pay the final few months of rent, and hopefully pay off my part of the loan before then. I think just having a final date/time set as a goal is a relief to both me and my current girlfriend.
Thanks for the feedback. It was good to get some positive support and a kick in the ass, as it were.
posted by symbioid at 5:49 PM on March 5, 2011
That's definitely one thing I need to do. Though I don't have a cell.
I'm glad you're taking steps in a good direction. If you want to chat about this somewhere privately, feel free to MeMail me. I just want to say putting "I don't have a cell phone" in between you and a future with the girlfriend you claim to very seriously want to be with is possibly another thing to put on the "get off my ass and do this" list. I know it's hard and I know it's scary but you want to be in a better more comfy and safe place with your girlfriend who loves you. It's worth the scary and the effort.
posted by jessamyn at 5:59 PM on March 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
I'm glad you're taking steps in a good direction. If you want to chat about this somewhere privately, feel free to MeMail me. I just want to say putting "I don't have a cell phone" in between you and a future with the girlfriend you claim to very seriously want to be with is possibly another thing to put on the "get off my ass and do this" list. I know it's hard and I know it's scary but you want to be in a better more comfy and safe place with your girlfriend who loves you. It's worth the scary and the effort.
posted by jessamyn at 5:59 PM on March 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Well guys, I got more of a kick in the ass - she's 'breaking up' with me, to the point of telling her friends and family. But I know her family wants us together. So you are right - I'm Manning up and no more fukcing excuses. I already have a spreadsheet made of costs I need to account for so I know what job to apply for wage-wise when i move. I'm in the process of getting her to rethink and show that I'm fucking serious. I've got Charlie Sheen in my veins right now. I think some of it was triggered by a convo of a friend of hers in an LDR whose bfriend has obligations w/his ex, but it sounds like it was more of an issue than that (which thankfully isn't for me), but still if that fed her fears, and such... Then fuck that. I'm moving forward. I wrote hugely passionate letter make sure she understood where i stand. i hope people on her end are willing to support us. She needs to hear more than the negative self-talk and loneliness feelings right now. If I show concrete steps (i.e. job applications there, work on a manual here, saving money and showing receipts) i think that will rebuild trust.
I just need her to hear me and be willing to let that trust happen... Sorry to vent, but just wanted to thank you all again. It was more dire than I realized -- my intuition knew something was up, but not to what degree. Well now I know. My ass is mooooooooving!
posted by symbioid at 1:47 PM on March 16, 2011
I just need her to hear me and be willing to let that trust happen... Sorry to vent, but just wanted to thank you all again. It was more dire than I realized -- my intuition knew something was up, but not to what degree. Well now I know. My ass is mooooooooving!
posted by symbioid at 1:47 PM on March 16, 2011
Response by poster: jessamyn, i tried to reply to your memail with an update, and it says i can't write :( halp!
posted by symbioid at 1:51 PM on March 16, 2011
posted by symbioid at 1:51 PM on March 16, 2011
My MeMail was off when I was in Texas, I'll turn it back on since I'm going home today.
posted by jessamyn at 2:13 PM on March 16, 2011
posted by jessamyn at 2:13 PM on March 16, 2011
Response by poster: OK cool thanks :) I'd like your input, I appreciate it.
posted by symbioid at 2:26 PM on March 16, 2011
posted by symbioid at 2:26 PM on March 16, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
Either you're going to move to be with your girlfriend or you aren't. If you are, then start the process. You may be surprised at your own ability to make the best of a less-than-perfect situation.
I say this as someone whose husband moved from Boston to New York while we were still dating. He had some of the same issues that you seem to, including the need to train a replacement at his old job and an uncertain professional future in the new city. It was hard at first, but he figured it out, and not spending so much of his time and money on a long distance relationship made everything else easier to handle. You'll figure it out, too, if that's what you want for yourself.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 8:48 AM on March 5, 2011 [2 favorites]