I've been having short, intense feelings of overwhelming despair, particularly at night. I need advice on dealing with this.
Background: I'm undergoing treatment (therapy and Effexor) for depression; I'm going to see a psychiatrist in about a week to get checked out for a different set of drugs. It is possible/likely that I have been misdiagnosed with depression when I'm really bipolar (likely bipolar II), which would explain some of why the drugs don't really work on me (they work for a little while and then sort of fail).
These episodes are despair-y more than panic-y, though I have some problems with anxiety they aren't panic attacks. They can last anywhere from a half hour to all night. At their best I just feel sort of bad and cry a little; at their worst I end up awake all night with suicidal ideations* and fantasies about self harm. They're usually accompanied by an overwhelming feeling of loneliness. I have had them triggered by things before, but the ones that come at night don't seem to have any particular cause.
I've been using beadwork as a sort of emergency thing to occupy myself a la this advice
, which helps me get through the night but does still keep me awake.
The whole thing is complicated by the fact that I'm frequently sort of afraid to go to sleep because I frequently have nightmares. I used to have much worse ones
, and though the ones I have now aren't about raw and fear like the ones I had on Lexapro, they're very vivid and can leave me feeling quite awful.
I'm hesitant to go to friends for help because I still carry a lot of guilt about overburdening a friend with my problems and making him carry me through a lot of them; I don't know how to ask for help.
*Since I've been treated for depression with about a million different things over the past few years and I'm really afraid of stuff like my drugs suddenly not working or switching drugs making me go crazy and kill myself, I make sure I don't have access to any methods of suicide. Mostly just because I'm sort of paranoid.