Why call now, after all these years?
February 13, 2011 11:58 AM Subscribe
WTF... is it my imagination or is there likely something else behind my SO's ex-wife calling to give him news of the passing of someone he used to know?
She left him over 15 years ago so he moved to another city; no real acrimony or bitterness, apparently just a union that never really came together. At that time a good friend of his (that he knew through her) passed away from AIDS but she didn't bother to call then, she just mentioned it at the end of a "details of the divorce" telephone call. She tried on a couple of occasions over the subsequent years to do the "how are you, what's new" calls but he let her know that he wasn't interested in chit chat: as he explained to her, they had 5 years to chit chat when they were married and much of it was spent in stony silence. She emailed him once after that to let him know how happy she was with a new man and her life was going well, 'hope yours is too', end of story.
Fast forward 5-6 years and his mobile rings yesterday, he doesn't even recognize her voice and she's calling to say that "Barry" her husband's friend, just passed away. My SO always really liked Barry and once, about 10 years ago, when we were passing through their town he even called Barry to say hi, can we stop by for a visit. Barry said sorry, too busy with the kids, gotta run and that was it. Barry made no attempts to keep up and neither did my SO so as bad as my SO feels to hear the news, both he and I are somewhat perplexed that his ex tracked down his mobile number (from where anyhow?) and calls with this news.
Am I reading too much into this call... or was this being used as an excuse to make contact yet again? Is it possible that his ex wants to keep some sort of a connection to him? Years ago she was unhappy with their marriage (and life I'm told) so ended it of her own accord. While he's far from perfect, he's quite an amazing man in a number of ways and I sometimes wonder if the years have made her realize that perhaps she changed horses too soon.
I'm seeing more into this than there is, right?
She left him over 15 years ago so he moved to another city; no real acrimony or bitterness, apparently just a union that never really came together. At that time a good friend of his (that he knew through her) passed away from AIDS but she didn't bother to call then, she just mentioned it at the end of a "details of the divorce" telephone call. She tried on a couple of occasions over the subsequent years to do the "how are you, what's new" calls but he let her know that he wasn't interested in chit chat: as he explained to her, they had 5 years to chit chat when they were married and much of it was spent in stony silence. She emailed him once after that to let him know how happy she was with a new man and her life was going well, 'hope yours is too', end of story.
Fast forward 5-6 years and his mobile rings yesterday, he doesn't even recognize her voice and she's calling to say that "Barry" her husband's friend, just passed away. My SO always really liked Barry and once, about 10 years ago, when we were passing through their town he even called Barry to say hi, can we stop by for a visit. Barry said sorry, too busy with the kids, gotta run and that was it. Barry made no attempts to keep up and neither did my SO so as bad as my SO feels to hear the news, both he and I are somewhat perplexed that his ex tracked down his mobile number (from where anyhow?) and calls with this news.
Am I reading too much into this call... or was this being used as an excuse to make contact yet again? Is it possible that his ex wants to keep some sort of a connection to him? Years ago she was unhappy with their marriage (and life I'm told) so ended it of her own accord. While he's far from perfect, he's quite an amazing man in a number of ways and I sometimes wonder if the years have made her realize that perhaps she changed horses too soon.
I'm seeing more into this than there is, right?
Wanting to keep in vague, occasional touch with a man you were once married to is not the same thing as wishing you were still married to him. And even if she did wish she was still married to him, as long as he doesn't wish he was still married to her, there's nothing here for you to worry about.
posted by jacquilynne at 12:03 PM on February 13, 2011 [33 favorites]
posted by jacquilynne at 12:03 PM on February 13, 2011 [33 favorites]
I have called my ex-husband about a death I thought he would like to know about. I don't know why you would be reading more into her call.
posted by rhapsodie at 12:03 PM on February 13, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by rhapsodie at 12:03 PM on February 13, 2011 [2 favorites]
You are reading too much into this. She knew your partner liked Barry, but knew they had fallen out of touch, and thought she might want to know that Barry had died. I am not seeing anything inappropriate here at all.
posted by Sidhedevil at 12:03 PM on February 13, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by Sidhedevil at 12:03 PM on February 13, 2011 [3 favorites]
Yes. You're seeing more into this than there is.
Someone he was once somewhat close to passed away. His ex-wife heard about it or was directly informed. She thought he'd want to know, even if he hadn't been in touch with this friend for awhile. She tracked him down -- how? no clue, but she did. And she passed on the information.
There are people in my life from ten years ago that I'd be very sad to hear have passed away, even if we never kept up in the following years. They were important to me at that time in my life, and I would hope someone would do me the courtesy of trying to inform me of their passing.
posted by zizzle at 12:04 PM on February 13, 2011 [6 favorites]
Someone he was once somewhat close to passed away. His ex-wife heard about it or was directly informed. She thought he'd want to know, even if he hadn't been in touch with this friend for awhile. She tracked him down -- how? no clue, but she did. And she passed on the information.
There are people in my life from ten years ago that I'd be very sad to hear have passed away, even if we never kept up in the following years. They were important to me at that time in my life, and I would hope someone would do me the courtesy of trying to inform me of their passing.
posted by zizzle at 12:04 PM on February 13, 2011 [6 favorites]
Uh, it's not like she's killing people to give herself an excuse to call your SO. She thought your SO might want to know. It's a nice thing to call under these exact circumstances - this is the kind of thing that people write to etiquette columnists about and the response is always "get over yourself and let your former husband know about this thing, duh."
One of the things about being married once is that it's never totally over, really - there are these little threads that are a natural part of having been so closely connected; the human thing to do is, well, not be a jerk about it and honor those connections even though you're not together anymore.
I can't help but think you're unnecessarily threatened by your SO's past here.
posted by SMPA at 12:07 PM on February 13, 2011 [16 favorites]
One of the things about being married once is that it's never totally over, really - there are these little threads that are a natural part of having been so closely connected; the human thing to do is, well, not be a jerk about it and honor those connections even though you're not together anymore.
I can't help but think you're unnecessarily threatened by your SO's past here.
posted by SMPA at 12:07 PM on February 13, 2011 [16 favorites]
I'm sure that it crossed her mind that it might be a little weird calling him after so long, but she chose to err on the side of weirdness rather than risk your SO never hearing about his friend's passing, or hearing about it many years later and being bitter and hurt about not being told and not having the opportunity to grieve. If you stand back and look at it objectively, that decision is a no-brainer and no one should be blamed for making it.
posted by Rhomboid at 12:10 PM on February 13, 2011 [9 favorites]
posted by Rhomboid at 12:10 PM on February 13, 2011 [9 favorites]
I think it is a little strange you are both perplexed.
A guy from my study abroad program died recently. I was not offended to receive facebook messages from people I haven't talked to since I returned home, because that is what grieving people do. We were a small community, but I was not particularly close to him, nor were my friends. Despite this, I went to the wake, because though I have not talked to him in half a dozen years, he was a lovely person I shared experiences with in the past, and those who loved him are hurting and appreciate seeing those whose life he touched.
posted by jenlovesponies at 12:14 PM on February 13, 2011 [3 favorites]
A guy from my study abroad program died recently. I was not offended to receive facebook messages from people I haven't talked to since I returned home, because that is what grieving people do. We were a small community, but I was not particularly close to him, nor were my friends. Despite this, I went to the wake, because though I have not talked to him in half a dozen years, he was a lovely person I shared experiences with in the past, and those who loved him are hurting and appreciate seeing those whose life he touched.
posted by jenlovesponies at 12:14 PM on February 13, 2011 [3 favorites]
Even if she did reach out because she wanted in particular to talk to your husband (as opposed to just wanting to inform him) there would be nothing inappropriate. He was perhaps their shared friend during their marriage. It's totally normal to want to reach out at times like that to share grief and memories. I agree with others that the problem here is you being threatened by your husband's past, needlessly. There is room in the universe for him to both be your totally loyal husband, and to share the memory of his friend in a way he can only do way his ex.
posted by yarly at 12:23 PM on February 13, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by yarly at 12:23 PM on February 13, 2011 [2 favorites]
Obviously not knowing the specific details I would not read anything remotely sinister in to this. Look at it from her point of view. She's probably rather upset about the fellow passing too. She's thinking about her life, her friends, her old associations. Maybe she's just reaching out to try and do the right thing.
I can't think of any reason to worry.
posted by carlh at 12:25 PM on February 13, 2011
I can't think of any reason to worry.
posted by carlh at 12:25 PM on February 13, 2011
This isn't worth thinking about.
posted by nanojath at 12:36 PM on February 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by nanojath at 12:36 PM on February 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
Would you prefer that the divorce had been so acrimonious that his ex-wife wouldn't be willing to contact him to let him know a good friend had died?
posted by John Cohen at 12:41 PM on February 13, 2011 [8 favorites]
posted by John Cohen at 12:41 PM on February 13, 2011 [8 favorites]
We can't know for sure, and if you trust your husband the whole question is irrelevant, but: Yes, you are (likely) reading too much into this. It had been 5+ years since she contacted him, and she let him know of the death of someone about whose death he would presumably want to know. I can't think of anything less suspicious than this.
posted by J. Wilson at 12:41 PM on February 13, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by J. Wilson at 12:41 PM on February 13, 2011 [4 favorites]
It's a long, long tradition to spread the word by phone when someone dies. I myself never talk on the phone if I can help it, and even I've done it, calling instead of emailing. I think a lot of people still consider it more gauche to deliver bad news electronically rather than telephonically (and that only if distance prevents doing it in person). It's like casseroles - people want to DO something, and sometimes a phone call or macaroni and cheese is all you can do to make that feeling go away.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:54 PM on February 13, 2011 [7 favorites]
posted by Lyn Never at 12:54 PM on February 13, 2011 [7 favorites]
It's polite to let people know of a death so that they can send condolences to the family. Nothing unusual there.
posted by fshgrl at 12:59 PM on February 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by fshgrl at 12:59 PM on February 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
I IMed my ex when my dog died. He really liked that dog. I have no interest in getting back together with him. I wouldn't read anything into it.
posted by magnetsphere at 1:07 PM on February 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by magnetsphere at 1:07 PM on February 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
I think it was an excuse to make contact again. I think it's quite likely that she wants to keep some kind of connection with him. The connection in this case being "distant friend or acquaintance". I don't think this is a problem.
My rule for friends-after-a-friendly-breakup has always been radio silence for the same length of time that you were together... so if he's still giving her the never darken my doorstep treatment after this long then maybe the divorce was worse than you think.
posted by anaelith at 1:32 PM on February 13, 2011 [4 favorites]
My rule for friends-after-a-friendly-breakup has always been radio silence for the same length of time that you were together... so if he's still giving her the never darken my doorstep treatment after this long then maybe the divorce was worse than you think.
posted by anaelith at 1:32 PM on February 13, 2011 [4 favorites]
What's weird to me is getting all suspicious when your partner's ex makes contact for such a normal, run-of-the-mill reason. Why shouldn't she contact him, whether under these circumstances or just for the hell of it? Are people's exes supposed to disappear off the face of the earth?
posted by ottereroticist at 1:44 PM on February 13, 2011 [5 favorites]
posted by ottereroticist at 1:44 PM on February 13, 2011 [5 favorites]
Depending on where we are in life, deaths can affect us differently. Harder.
When there's been a quick series of deaths, or when they happen unexpectedly, or to someone we think "too young to die", or when they remind us of our own mortality, or otherwise hit closer to home.
For example, for various different reasons, the recent death of a Mefite hit me pretty hard, harder than I would have "expected" it to. Learning of his death in fact shoved me into a bit of a panic attack, and a rough night.
Especially as we age, as companions of our youth don't survive into our later years, it's natural that our thoughts turn to the remaining friends we had in common with the deceased. We feel a duty to inform them of the gap in our shared ranks, in part to reassure ourselves that they still live, to ascertain just how few "we few, we band of brothers" have become. It's a roll call, counting the heads in the alumni class of our youth. We want at least to know we don't stand alone.
So yes, in part it's an excuse, but it's not some pretext to rekindle and old flame, it's a pretext to count the candles that still flicker.
posted by orthogonality at 1:50 PM on February 13, 2011 [8 favorites]
When there's been a quick series of deaths, or when they happen unexpectedly, or to someone we think "too young to die", or when they remind us of our own mortality, or otherwise hit closer to home.
For example, for various different reasons, the recent death of a Mefite hit me pretty hard, harder than I would have "expected" it to. Learning of his death in fact shoved me into a bit of a panic attack, and a rough night.
Especially as we age, as companions of our youth don't survive into our later years, it's natural that our thoughts turn to the remaining friends we had in common with the deceased. We feel a duty to inform them of the gap in our shared ranks, in part to reassure ourselves that they still live, to ascertain just how few "we few, we band of brothers" have become. It's a roll call, counting the heads in the alumni class of our youth. We want at least to know we don't stand alone.
So yes, in part it's an excuse, but it's not some pretext to rekindle and old flame, it's a pretext to count the candles that still flicker.
posted by orthogonality at 1:50 PM on February 13, 2011 [8 favorites]
Also, it sounds like Barry had a wife and kids... The ex might have called not just to let your husband know about the death, but also because your husband might want to reach out to the wife and kids he left behind and yeah you are reading too much into this
posted by bananafish at 2:27 PM on February 13, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by bananafish at 2:27 PM on February 13, 2011 [2 favorites]
FIAMO. Seriously. It's good that you and your SO are on the same page, even if it's not the same page that some of the folks here are on. That said, don't waste your energy worrying about it. If she calls again feeling chatty, deal with it then.
(Errr, but of course a sympathy card or donation or whathaveyou to Barry's family is certainly worth considering. As is taking a moment to think of Barry.)
posted by maryr at 2:53 PM on February 13, 2011 [2 favorites]
(Errr, but of course a sympathy card or donation or whathaveyou to Barry's family is certainly worth considering. As is taking a moment to think of Barry.)
posted by maryr at 2:53 PM on February 13, 2011 [2 favorites]
Answering THIS part, "She tried on a couple of occasions over the subsequent years to do the "how are you, what's new" calls but he let her know that he wasn't interested in chit chat: as he explained to her, they had 5 years to chit chat when they were married and much of it was spent in stony silence. She emailed him once after that to let him know how happy she was with a new man and her life was going well, 'hope yours is too', end of story."
I mean, basically, it sounds like she feels an urge to maintain a polite, reasonably friendly contact. Probably she feels some vague social obligation to him; probably it makes her feel better about herself that their divorce was friendly enough that she can send him an e-mail.
You are definitely reading too much into the call. Like others, I've gotten an e-mail from someone I hadn't spoken to in a decade, about someone else I hadn't spoken to in a decade who had passed away. They got my e-mail from the alumni office. We'd all been part of a group of friendly co-workers in college, but we certainly didn't hang out together. I sent flowers to the widow, whom I've never met, largely because I thought being widows at 30 would SUCK MAJOR BALLS and wanted to express my sorrow for HER as much as for him. (Otherwise I probably would have sent just a condolence card.) People just feel an obligation to let others in a community, however loose or distant or past, know about a dead. And many people then feel an obligation to make a gesture of mourning so the survivors know that person was valued.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 3:16 PM on February 13, 2011
I mean, basically, it sounds like she feels an urge to maintain a polite, reasonably friendly contact. Probably she feels some vague social obligation to him; probably it makes her feel better about herself that their divorce was friendly enough that she can send him an e-mail.
You are definitely reading too much into the call. Like others, I've gotten an e-mail from someone I hadn't spoken to in a decade, about someone else I hadn't spoken to in a decade who had passed away. They got my e-mail from the alumni office. We'd all been part of a group of friendly co-workers in college, but we certainly didn't hang out together. I sent flowers to the widow, whom I've never met, largely because I thought being widows at 30 would SUCK MAJOR BALLS and wanted to express my sorrow for HER as much as for him. (Otherwise I probably would have sent just a condolence card.) People just feel an obligation to let others in a community, however loose or distant or past, know about a dead. And many people then feel an obligation to make a gesture of mourning so the survivors know that person was valued.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 3:16 PM on February 13, 2011
I've been divorced for 9 years and don't appreciate the chit chat with my ex. So we don't. And yes - it is OK for ex spouses to fade into the woodwork, even if some people see that differently.
I think everyone is right - it was totally unnecessary for the ex-wife to call on his mobile phone AND it's nothing to worry about since you and SO are on the same page.
posted by jbenben at 4:02 PM on February 13, 2011
I think everyone is right - it was totally unnecessary for the ex-wife to call on his mobile phone AND it's nothing to worry about since you and SO are on the same page.
posted by jbenben at 4:02 PM on February 13, 2011
I think this bothers you most: " that his ex tracked down his mobile number (from where anyhow?)" Sorry to break the news but she got the number FROM HIM. THAT'S what bothers you. You are insecure and probably wondering why he hasn't married you yet or you're angry at her for souring him on marriage so much so that he hasn't asked you yet. Deal with that part--him--not her. She is not your problem. Sorry.
posted by GeniPalm at 4:56 PM on February 13, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by GeniPalm at 4:56 PM on February 13, 2011 [2 favorites]
My ex-husband and I aren't in frequent touch these days (maybe because we both see each other's status updates on FB), but you bet I would call him in a heartbeat if an old friend of his died and I knew he wouldn't know otherwise. It's the minimally decent, humane thing to do, especially if that friend were to have family my ex might want to contact in order to express his condolences. It would have absolutely zero to do with some desire to get back together with him (which I don't want to do) or to try to get between him and his new wife (which I really don't want to do).
Truly, I say this sincerely in the nicest possible way: assume the best of his ex and get over it. Otherwise you're just borrowing trouble.
posted by scody at 7:22 PM on February 13, 2011 [3 favorites]
Truly, I say this sincerely in the nicest possible way: assume the best of his ex and get over it. Otherwise you're just borrowing trouble.
posted by scody at 7:22 PM on February 13, 2011 [3 favorites]
"...both he and I are somewhat perplexed that his ex tracked down his mobile number (from where anyhow?) and calls with this news."
That's what people do when someone dies. Completely normal.
posted by Jacqueline at 8:12 PM on February 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
That's what people do when someone dies. Completely normal.
posted by Jacqueline at 8:12 PM on February 13, 2011 [1 favorite]
I honestly think that you don't even think there's anything to this, but that perhaps you beleive that you're supposed to be suspicious. yer being crazy. Sometimes people just like to keep in touch with people from their past, and this is a reasonable reason to reach out.
posted by Kololo at 8:29 PM on February 13, 2011
posted by Kololo at 8:29 PM on February 13, 2011
Also it's really not always that hard to get phone numbers - either you've got a friend in common, or it's in some online directory or something. I was creeped out to all hell the first time someone I knew found my phone number by doing first name + last name + city into some yellow pages website, but he totally didn't think anything weird about it, it was just another piece of information available on the internet (no, not paid for or anything - just free sites).
posted by Lady Li at 12:32 AM on February 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Lady Li at 12:32 AM on February 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
On the balance of that single post, I find her actions completely normal, and er, well, your and your husbands just a touch weird.
A handful of calls over 15 years doesn't sound in *any way* like she's after your husband.
I'd interpret it as - if they got married and spent a long time together, she have felt they had some personality basis to be friends, not to mention shared history. Even if it ended badly, taking the grown up route and letting bygones be bygones and being happy for someones subsequent happiness is a thankfully pretty common route to take. You didn't mention anything obviously weird like a history of stalking or anything, and it's surprisingly easy to get people's contact info between the internet and bumping into mutual acquaintances.
I'd take a wild guess and say she's probably pretty happy with having chosen the divorce, especially if he is still screwed up enough about it to be pulling this years later - "he wasn't interested in chit chat: as he explained to her, they had 5 years to chit chat when they were married and much of it was spent in stony silence". Either he has issues still, or they made a really, really, really bad decision even getting to know each other in the first place - which would be yet another reason for you not to worry.
And yeah, he had no wish to know that an old friend died?
Put it down to you and your husband having different social norms to his very, very ex-wife.
So, is there some other reason you were feeling worried about her contacting? Often I pick on an insignificant issue to cover a wider insecurity. I mean you presented no reasons why your husband would be interested in her, in fact the opposite, so is there some other mixed signals on what that former marriage was like, any comparisons being made? (It should be well, well water under the bridge) Or something about the situation in your current relationship reminding you of that relationship? Or nothing to do with her, and something about how secure you are feeling in the current relationship?
There may be something you want to address, and if you deal with that, you might not be as concerned by distant contact with Ex's.
posted by Elysum at 1:02 AM on February 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
A handful of calls over 15 years doesn't sound in *any way* like she's after your husband.
I'd interpret it as - if they got married and spent a long time together, she have felt they had some personality basis to be friends, not to mention shared history. Even if it ended badly, taking the grown up route and letting bygones be bygones and being happy for someones subsequent happiness is a thankfully pretty common route to take. You didn't mention anything obviously weird like a history of stalking or anything, and it's surprisingly easy to get people's contact info between the internet and bumping into mutual acquaintances.
I'd take a wild guess and say she's probably pretty happy with having chosen the divorce, especially if he is still screwed up enough about it to be pulling this years later - "he wasn't interested in chit chat: as he explained to her, they had 5 years to chit chat when they were married and much of it was spent in stony silence". Either he has issues still, or they made a really, really, really bad decision even getting to know each other in the first place - which would be yet another reason for you not to worry.
And yeah, he had no wish to know that an old friend died?
Put it down to you and your husband having different social norms to his very, very ex-wife.
So, is there some other reason you were feeling worried about her contacting? Often I pick on an insignificant issue to cover a wider insecurity. I mean you presented no reasons why your husband would be interested in her, in fact the opposite, so is there some other mixed signals on what that former marriage was like, any comparisons being made? (It should be well, well water under the bridge) Or something about the situation in your current relationship reminding you of that relationship? Or nothing to do with her, and something about how secure you are feeling in the current relationship?
There may be something you want to address, and if you deal with that, you might not be as concerned by distant contact with Ex's.
posted by Elysum at 1:02 AM on February 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
Common courtesy and a sense of duty.
posted by Coaticass at 1:58 AM on February 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Coaticass at 1:58 AM on February 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
Title: Why call now, after all these years?
You seem to think that at a certain point, she'll just disappear forever. Unfortunately, I kind of doubt that is true. I've never been married, but I still have ties to people I've seriously dated. I feel that people who have been truly devoted in love to one another end up with ties that are stronger (positive or negative) than people who never dated seriously. To me, these ties have an importance that borders on being spiritual or moral. And at one point, he and she took vows to care for one another until death. Therefore, I think you should rest confidently in your own position as his wife and give him the space he needs to fulfill the obligations he feels towards her. I hope you are not giving him hassles about receiving or returning a call from her about a friend's death.
posted by salvia at 10:51 PM on February 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
You seem to think that at a certain point, she'll just disappear forever. Unfortunately, I kind of doubt that is true. I've never been married, but I still have ties to people I've seriously dated. I feel that people who have been truly devoted in love to one another end up with ties that are stronger (positive or negative) than people who never dated seriously. To me, these ties have an importance that borders on being spiritual or moral. And at one point, he and she took vows to care for one another until death. Therefore, I think you should rest confidently in your own position as his wife and give him the space he needs to fulfill the obligations he feels towards her. I hope you are not giving him hassles about receiving or returning a call from her about a friend's death.
posted by salvia at 10:51 PM on February 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:01 PM on February 13, 2011 [35 favorites]