I was confident and had loads of self esteem right up to the moment I actually started a real relationship. Now I'm a mess. How did I lose it all?
I posed this
question a week ago.
Since then I've been doing a lot of calls, but a lot of places require a referral from a family doctor. I got an appointment with a family doctor to register, but that's till in April. I'll keep calling around others from the College of Physicians site to see if any are accepting, but I've called about 5 so far and they're not.
My question is: how did I lose all my self esteem, when at the start of the relationship I was pretty confident and didn't worry so much about whether the relationship was going to end or not?
I'm not sure what came first, my depressive episode, or the lack of self esteem and confidence about this relationship. I think there is a very close link here, and this is very important. I think if I can get my self esteem back I'll feel much better. The thing is, I am very different from her, and I feel she might just one day soon say it's not working out for her, especially after I told her about my depression.
She's very outgoing, as in hangs out or does something every day of the week. I'm not like that, I need 2 or 3 days a week just being at home, and wouldn't mind if it was spent with her. Right now we see each other twice a week, and I sleep over some of the time.
The rest of the time she goes to dancing lessons, or hanging out with different groups of friends, or a house party on the weekend. While I love the fact that she's not introverted like me, I guess I am a little jealous of how much fun she has going out all the time. Note that I am not concerned about cheating, that's not it, I trust her. She always volunteers where she's going and who she's going with. I feel as if she is "better" than I am for having so many friends and socializing so much.
I keep thinking about her all the time, and it's exhausting. I also continually worry about where the relationship is going, how will it evolve? Will we just keep seeing each other twice a week, or will it be more? Will I ever get to meet her friends?
I realize that it's obviously very early in the relationship, and I've never voiced any of those questions above to her, because I know that would be weird, and what I am doing to myself is unhealthy. I've also not let on about how insecure I am either. I do go to the gym, and from time to time hang out with friends, but it's never every day of the week.
It's reached the point where I get really nervous about coming across as needy if I text her, or plan a time to meet up, because I don't know if I am coming across that way. I feel as if I'm always on the brink of messing things up. Sometimes I'm worrying so much I wonder if maybe I'm not cut out for dating, but I figure this is somewhat paradoxical, because this is the best, most healthy relationship I have ever had (after a string of crazy relationships that had me resort to AskMeFi too many times). So this is my biggest opportunity to develop healthy attitudes.
I am also somewhat irrationally afraid of being alone. I do honestly enjoy my alone time, but life is a lot better with a partner. I also dress reasonable well, speak well, am well-educated and I'm not too bad looking. So I know that rationally, I have a good chance of meeting someone else if this doesn't work out.
Where did my confidence and self esteem go? How do I just accept one day at a time and stop overthinking things? How do I stop wanting to fast forward 6 months into the future, and just enjoy things where they are at? How do I stop worrying and obsessing over her? I know I am going to doom things if I continue this way, I’ve only reached this far through an incredible amount of self restraint. Should I just congratulate myself, and hope it’ll get easier as time goes on?