The grass is greener at the other houses nearby
February 9, 2011 4:19 AM Subscribe
My partner and I bought a house last month and although you would think I'd be over the moon right now, I'm actually a bit depressed about it. How can I come to terms with maybe not having chosen the best house to buy?
The deposit took 10 years to save up and before that we rented. We searched for several months and looked at many houses before selecting the one we wanted to buy and made an offer which was accepted. After months of trying to complete and paying lawyer's fees, that purchase fell through. By this point we were desperate to get a house and had to move quickly.
By that time our second choice house had also sold and we ended up compromising quite a bit on our third choice which we bought. We had really wanted a sea view and a bit of land. The house we got, while nice enough, isn't terribly special and has neither of these things.
The house we bought does have views of the countryside, is 160 years old but in very good condition, has enough space for our hobbies and a fairly large garden - not large enough to keep goats as we had hoped to do, but big enough for veggies, chickens and a hive of bees.
Since buying our house, a couple of other houses have come onto the market which are more like what we wanted - sea views and land plus outbuildings for the same price as our house.
I know I probably sound like a spoiled brat, but how do I stop being depressed about the compromises and start feeling overjoyed that the ten years of saving has paid off? I just keep wishing I had waited just a few more weeks and I could have had the house of my dreams. How can I convince myself to be happy with "good enough" instead of kicking myself for not making the better choice?
We're not rich at all, the houses in our price range are modest, and the property market in our area is depressed and will only get worse due to anticipated job losses in our area. The house we bought sat on the market for a year, but nicer houses at the same price get snapped up much more quickly.
The deposit took 10 years to save up and before that we rented. We searched for several months and looked at many houses before selecting the one we wanted to buy and made an offer which was accepted. After months of trying to complete and paying lawyer's fees, that purchase fell through. By this point we were desperate to get a house and had to move quickly.
By that time our second choice house had also sold and we ended up compromising quite a bit on our third choice which we bought. We had really wanted a sea view and a bit of land. The house we got, while nice enough, isn't terribly special and has neither of these things.
The house we bought does have views of the countryside, is 160 years old but in very good condition, has enough space for our hobbies and a fairly large garden - not large enough to keep goats as we had hoped to do, but big enough for veggies, chickens and a hive of bees.
Since buying our house, a couple of other houses have come onto the market which are more like what we wanted - sea views and land plus outbuildings for the same price as our house.
I know I probably sound like a spoiled brat, but how do I stop being depressed about the compromises and start feeling overjoyed that the ten years of saving has paid off? I just keep wishing I had waited just a few more weeks and I could have had the house of my dreams. How can I convince myself to be happy with "good enough" instead of kicking myself for not making the better choice?
We're not rich at all, the houses in our price range are modest, and the property market in our area is depressed and will only get worse due to anticipated job losses in our area. The house we bought sat on the market for a year, but nicer houses at the same price get snapped up much more quickly.
That sounds like a textbook example of "buyer's remorse." You spent so much time and energy focusing on the day that you would be able to purchase a house that, when the time came and you got it, nothing would live up to your expectations.
Love the house for what it is. You can always wait until the market gets a bit more solid, sell, and get another house if you wind up not being able to fall in love with this one.
posted by xingcat at 4:37 AM on February 9, 2011
Love the house for what it is. You can always wait until the market gets a bit more solid, sell, and get another house if you wind up not being able to fall in love with this one.
posted by xingcat at 4:37 AM on February 9, 2011
Some people don't have houses, let alone adequate space for their goats.
posted by fire&wings at 4:44 AM on February 9, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by fire&wings at 4:44 AM on February 9, 2011 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Everybody gets buyer's remorse. Everybody.
If you had bought one of those houses, you would have had it. For all you know they had other problems that would have been, well, problematic. No place is perfect!
Enjoy your new place. A few years down the road if you still have an itch for sea view, there will be options. Or you might decide that where you're at has its own charms that make up for it.
I am assuming this is the first house you have ever owned. Most of us have to compromise on a starter home. Sounds like you did pretty well first time out.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:44 AM on February 9, 2011 [8 favorites]
If you had bought one of those houses, you would have had it. For all you know they had other problems that would have been, well, problematic. No place is perfect!
Enjoy your new place. A few years down the road if you still have an itch for sea view, there will be options. Or you might decide that where you're at has its own charms that make up for it.
I am assuming this is the first house you have ever owned. Most of us have to compromise on a starter home. Sounds like you did pretty well first time out.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:44 AM on February 9, 2011 [8 favorites]
Best answer: Get to work. Plan your garden. Start digging if weather allows. Build your hives. Choose your chickens. Sustained happiness comes from engaging with the life and circumstances you've actually got. If you hold back and allow your happiness to hinge on getting exactly what you want, then you will be unhappy most of the time.
posted by jon1270 at 4:46 AM on February 9, 2011 [19 favorites]
posted by jon1270 at 4:46 AM on February 9, 2011 [19 favorites]
Best answer: Everything about my first house was a compromise. I didn't want to live in the suburbs but the city has poor schools and we couldn't afford private schools. I didn't want a house in this architectural style but it's hard to find "cooler" houses in this area in the price range we had then. I wanted four bedrooms, we got three. I wanted a finished basement, we couldn't afford houses that had those. I desperately wanted a house in a neighborhood with sidewalks but we couldn't find one in a neighborhood we liked. I didn't really want to have to remodel but the interior hadn't been touched since 1965 (aside from the kitchen, which had last been remodeled in 1987). On and on and on.
Eleven years later, we've made this house ours. We did the bathrooms, we did a massive kitchen/first floor remodel that I absolutely love (and it's been featured in magazines). We're talking about finishing the basement this year. Our neighbors have been lovely, the neighborhood is quiet and established. It's close enough to downtown (~ 15 minutes) that I don't feel excluded from stuff going on there. I love my house now.
Most people don't get their dream homes, especially people who have long, long lists of what constitutes that dream. Make the house yours! "Listen" to it for a while before you start making changes. You'll see what the light looks like in the kitchen morning noon and night for all four seasons before you decide it's too dark/too light/just perfect but needs a different color of paint. See which rooms need storage or new floors or whatever. I'd be willing to bet that, in a few years, you'll come to appreciate what you have. Keep your mind open and it'll happen.
posted by cooker girl at 4:53 AM on February 9, 2011 [7 favorites]
Eleven years later, we've made this house ours. We did the bathrooms, we did a massive kitchen/first floor remodel that I absolutely love (and it's been featured in magazines). We're talking about finishing the basement this year. Our neighbors have been lovely, the neighborhood is quiet and established. It's close enough to downtown (~ 15 minutes) that I don't feel excluded from stuff going on there. I love my house now.
Most people don't get their dream homes, especially people who have long, long lists of what constitutes that dream. Make the house yours! "Listen" to it for a while before you start making changes. You'll see what the light looks like in the kitchen morning noon and night for all four seasons before you decide it's too dark/too light/just perfect but needs a different color of paint. See which rooms need storage or new floors or whatever. I'd be willing to bet that, in a few years, you'll come to appreciate what you have. Keep your mind open and it'll happen.
posted by cooker girl at 4:53 AM on February 9, 2011 [7 favorites]
Best answer: there's always a better house, a better husband, a better life. And to dwell on this fact is hands down the best way of being miserable and making other people miserable.
This is beautifully put, and I think it's absolutely true, but it needs some filling in for practical purposes:
Everybody who isn't of infinite means sometimes wishes they'd bought a different house/never bought at all. I think about it when I pay my mortgage every month. I had a three-hour rumination on it the other day when I was on my roof breaking up ice so that melt water would stop pissing through my home office's ceiling-- "I don't see any of my neighbors on their roofs." I remember looking at the check for the down payment and thinking "I could start a new life in Belize with this."
Those "better houses" don't necessarily exist. If you had held out, something else could have happened: those other, more desirable houses would not necessarily have been yours for the taking. They might have hidden structural/functional issues or drifters buried in the cellar or a million other things that you don't know about. You got a house, it's more than adequate for you. Most importantly, you are not feeling the stress and impermanence that comes from looking for a house. It's done and it sounds like you did a good job. Keep reminding yourself that you don't know about the actualities of the "better" houses that you see and that you may very well have not been able to purchase them for a variety of reasons. I'm not a Buddhist, but reading your question illustrates to me that suffering is often indeed derived from want.
posted by Mayor Curley at 4:55 AM on February 9, 2011 [3 favorites]
This is beautifully put, and I think it's absolutely true, but it needs some filling in for practical purposes:
Everybody who isn't of infinite means sometimes wishes they'd bought a different house/never bought at all. I think about it when I pay my mortgage every month. I had a three-hour rumination on it the other day when I was on my roof breaking up ice so that melt water would stop pissing through my home office's ceiling-- "I don't see any of my neighbors on their roofs." I remember looking at the check for the down payment and thinking "I could start a new life in Belize with this."
Those "better houses" don't necessarily exist. If you had held out, something else could have happened: those other, more desirable houses would not necessarily have been yours for the taking. They might have hidden structural/functional issues or drifters buried in the cellar or a million other things that you don't know about. You got a house, it's more than adequate for you. Most importantly, you are not feeling the stress and impermanence that comes from looking for a house. It's done and it sounds like you did a good job. Keep reminding yourself that you don't know about the actualities of the "better" houses that you see and that you may very well have not been able to purchase them for a variety of reasons. I'm not a Buddhist, but reading your question illustrates to me that suffering is often indeed derived from want.
posted by Mayor Curley at 4:55 AM on February 9, 2011 [3 favorites]
Best answer: St. Alia nails it.
Plus: it takes a year (at least) to truly learn to inhabit your new home. In the beginning it feels like you're a guest. Buyer's remorse is, in my view, in part a trick of the mind to rationalize that slightly uncomfortable feeling (in part it is, of course, a reaction to the fact that one can't run away from oneself, no matter what house/city/country/climate one is living in. Believe me, had you bought that first house with the sea view, you'd be writing here nevertheless).
The way out is to actively engage with your new property, explore every nook and cranny, become active with upkeep and improvements and so on. It also gets better once the weather allows you to work in the garden. As soon as there are plants and flowers, there's something to hold on to.
posted by Namlit at 5:00 AM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
Plus: it takes a year (at least) to truly learn to inhabit your new home. In the beginning it feels like you're a guest. Buyer's remorse is, in my view, in part a trick of the mind to rationalize that slightly uncomfortable feeling (in part it is, of course, a reaction to the fact that one can't run away from oneself, no matter what house/city/country/climate one is living in. Believe me, had you bought that first house with the sea view, you'd be writing here nevertheless).
The way out is to actively engage with your new property, explore every nook and cranny, become active with upkeep and improvements and so on. It also gets better once the weather allows you to work in the garden. As soon as there are plants and flowers, there's something to hold on to.
posted by Namlit at 5:00 AM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I was on my roof breaking up ice so that melt water would stop pissing through my home office's ceiling
You too? Were you also pouring hot water in your leaders to unclog them? There are no perfect houses. Every house has something wrong with it that you don't know about until you buy it. That said, I love my house with all its faults. Perfection only exists in fantasies.
posted by Obscure Reference at 5:10 AM on February 9, 2011
You too? Were you also pouring hot water in your leaders to unclog them? There are no perfect houses. Every house has something wrong with it that you don't know about until you buy it. That said, I love my house with all its faults. Perfection only exists in fantasies.
posted by Obscure Reference at 5:10 AM on February 9, 2011
Best answer: I worry about this happening too, being in the middle of the house-buying process at the moment. But I keep consoling myself with the reminder that even if the house we buy is not the best house - even if a better one comes on the market five minutes later - having bought one means we GET TO STOP LOOKING.
House hunting sucks. As well as a house, you have bought yourself freedom from attending showings, reading listings, spending all your free time obsessing about the property market, attending auctions, dealing with lawyers... Enjoy that free time! You wouldn't have it if you were still looking. And now you have it, you can use it to make the house you did buy a great place to live.
posted by lollusc at 5:15 AM on February 9, 2011 [2 favorites]
House hunting sucks. As well as a house, you have bought yourself freedom from attending showings, reading listings, spending all your free time obsessing about the property market, attending auctions, dealing with lawyers... Enjoy that free time! You wouldn't have it if you were still looking. And now you have it, you can use it to make the house you did buy a great place to live.
posted by lollusc at 5:15 AM on February 9, 2011 [2 favorites]
Best answer: If you are still living near the sea, then you have achieved Zen View.
posted by doiheartwentyone at 5:17 AM on February 9, 2011 [7 favorites]
posted by doiheartwentyone at 5:17 AM on February 9, 2011 [7 favorites]
Best answer: Do you have room to raise pygmy goats?
posted by mikepop at 5:35 AM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by mikepop at 5:35 AM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: In addition to what others have said, keep in mind that you might not have been able to get one of those "better" houses by waiting a few weeks. You might have lost house after house to someone with a better offer, and ended up six months down the road thinking, "We should have gotten that one with the smaller garden and no sea view when we had the chance..." You just never know. It's always easy to compare what you have with the best possible alternative, but that's only one of the many other things that could have happened.
Sometimes when I'm fretful about something, I'll tell myself that I'm not going to worry about it for 90 days, or six months. "Nothing bad's going to happen if I just don't worry about this until May," I tell myself. Very often by the time the 90 days has passed, so has whatever problem I thought I had--my mind has moved on to other things, the fretfulness was a passing thing, or the crisis I thought was about to happen, didn't. If you can set this concern on the shelf for awhile, you may find it passes on its own.
Finally, it seems normal to me to have these kinds of thoughts after getting something you worked toward for a decade. When we were adopting a baby, one of the things we were counseled about was that post-adoption depression is incredibly common. Often families have lived through years and years of waiting, maybe failed fertility treatments, maybe they've matched with a birthmother or two and had it fall through. And then finally the baby is there, and all that drama that has been driving them for so long is over. And even though they have the thing they wanted, and that all that drama was for, it's kind of a let down. Buying a house isn't quite like having a baby, but you spent ten years working towards this. I'm not surprised at all that there's a little bubble-popping now that you're in the place.
I hope that as you settle into your house, you fall in love with it. Or at least find it liveable enough to be happy there. Good luck.
posted by not that girl at 5:38 AM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
Sometimes when I'm fretful about something, I'll tell myself that I'm not going to worry about it for 90 days, or six months. "Nothing bad's going to happen if I just don't worry about this until May," I tell myself. Very often by the time the 90 days has passed, so has whatever problem I thought I had--my mind has moved on to other things, the fretfulness was a passing thing, or the crisis I thought was about to happen, didn't. If you can set this concern on the shelf for awhile, you may find it passes on its own.
Finally, it seems normal to me to have these kinds of thoughts after getting something you worked toward for a decade. When we were adopting a baby, one of the things we were counseled about was that post-adoption depression is incredibly common. Often families have lived through years and years of waiting, maybe failed fertility treatments, maybe they've matched with a birthmother or two and had it fall through. And then finally the baby is there, and all that drama that has been driving them for so long is over. And even though they have the thing they wanted, and that all that drama was for, it's kind of a let down. Buying a house isn't quite like having a baby, but you spent ten years working towards this. I'm not surprised at all that there's a little bubble-popping now that you're in the place.
I hope that as you settle into your house, you fall in love with it. Or at least find it liveable enough to be happy there. Good luck.
posted by not that girl at 5:38 AM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: You're not being a spoiled brat. Not at all. You wanted something, and you didn't get it. For the same money, you could have done better -- but the timing just wasn't right.
I think what you need to do is grieve. The view you don't have, the room for goats, all of those things. This house is going to be less than you had hoped. It doesn't have those things and you can't add them later. Period. It's disappointing and it hurts.
However, the house has some lovely features that you can enjoy, you have other wonderful things in your life, and you can always sell it and buy another if you want to. You are free to deal with this situation any way you like.
But no need to feel bad for not liking what happened. It wasn't ideal. But after you process that, you can figure out what you want to do next.
posted by metametababe at 5:40 AM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
I think what you need to do is grieve. The view you don't have, the room for goats, all of those things. This house is going to be less than you had hoped. It doesn't have those things and you can't add them later. Period. It's disappointing and it hurts.
However, the house has some lovely features that you can enjoy, you have other wonderful things in your life, and you can always sell it and buy another if you want to. You are free to deal with this situation any way you like.
But no need to feel bad for not liking what happened. It wasn't ideal. But after you process that, you can figure out what you want to do next.
posted by metametababe at 5:40 AM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Great advice from everybody upthread! I'll just add that it sounds as though you're assuming that your wish-list for desirable house qualities is permanent and unchanging, so that you'd always have been happier in a house that ticked more of those boxes. In my experience, at least, what you theoretically want or don't want in a house changes A LOT once you're actually living there. We bought a house a couple of years back, and right now, although there are definitely things I love and hate about this place, they're not things that would ever have even occurred to me while we were in the shopping process. The "dream home" is an evolving concept. Maybe just try to help yours evolve in the direction of the house you actually have.
posted by Bardolph at 5:53 AM on February 9, 2011
posted by Bardolph at 5:53 AM on February 9, 2011
Best answer: I nth the sentiment about the commonality of buyer's remorse. I bought my first home a couple of years ago and the day of the closing we went to the house to find out had been broken into and squatted in the night before. Over the next few weeks, we discover the neighbors on one side don't live there full time (remodeling) and the neighbors on the other have been stealing our water while the house was vacant. On my birthday, a week after we moved in full time, someone tried to kick the back door in. The water stealing neighbor made numerous drunken passes at us and was outside late being loud and obnoxious with friends. I felt like I was barely keeping my head above water and was feeling regret around getting rid of my car to make the mortgage payment.
To say I had buyer's remorse would be an understatement. But I dealt with it. And eventually the water stealing neighbors were evicted and the neighbors on the other side moved in full time and were lovely. Winter ended and I grew an awesome garden. I learned how to make the space safe for me, even though my neighborhood isn't the safest. I found the perfection that already existed and worked to perfect the rough edges.
Think about the good things, work to make the less than great things better and keep in mind that you don't have to live there forever just because you own it.
posted by radioaction at 6:02 AM on February 9, 2011
To say I had buyer's remorse would be an understatement. But I dealt with it. And eventually the water stealing neighbors were evicted and the neighbors on the other side moved in full time and were lovely. Winter ended and I grew an awesome garden. I learned how to make the space safe for me, even though my neighborhood isn't the safest. I found the perfection that already existed and worked to perfect the rough edges.
Think about the good things, work to make the less than great things better and keep in mind that you don't have to live there forever just because you own it.
posted by radioaction at 6:02 AM on February 9, 2011
All good advice up there. I'd add in that I've known several people who have built their own houses and wind up with buyers' remorse. Even when everything's perfect, it still isn't perfect.
It's just the human condition, and the previous answers include some good strategies for managing that.
posted by valkyryn at 6:16 AM on February 9, 2011
It's just the human condition, and the previous answers include some good strategies for managing that.
posted by valkyryn at 6:16 AM on February 9, 2011
how do I stop being depressed about the compromises and start feeling overjoyed that the ten years of saving has paid off?
By cleaning the hell out of it, scrubbing the walls and floor, steam cleaning the rugs, getting into the closets and corners, and then repainting.
Pick new, different colors for as many rooms as you can, and don't pay to have it done - do the painting yourself. Then it will be Your House That Belongs To You, and you can take pride in the ownership of it.
That's just the beginning, obviously. Houses are no different than any other Thing in the world; there's always another one, newer or better or just different, out there somewhere and you can either let that nag at you until it ruins you, or you can care for the one you have until no other one will be quite as good, or quite as Yours.
posted by mhoye at 6:22 AM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
By cleaning the hell out of it, scrubbing the walls and floor, steam cleaning the rugs, getting into the closets and corners, and then repainting.
Pick new, different colors for as many rooms as you can, and don't pay to have it done - do the painting yourself. Then it will be Your House That Belongs To You, and you can take pride in the ownership of it.
That's just the beginning, obviously. Houses are no different than any other Thing in the world; there's always another one, newer or better or just different, out there somewhere and you can either let that nag at you until it ruins you, or you can care for the one you have until no other one will be quite as good, or quite as Yours.
posted by mhoye at 6:22 AM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
...last month! You don't even know your house yet. There are great things about it that you have yet to realise. Possibly it is wonderfully cool in the summer, and you have wonderful neighbours, and tulips shoot up from random places in the yard every summer.
posted by kmennie at 6:27 AM on February 9, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by kmennie at 6:27 AM on February 9, 2011 [2 favorites]
As far as I can tell, what you're going through is a very common phase after a major purchase like a house. It's when you realize what you have can never be the ideal that was floating in the back of your mind during the house-hunting process. Before you've made the purchase, it always seems possible that you'll manage to get that amazing, perfect place for a great price (no matter how completely improbably such a thing is in reality). Once you've committed, the idea goes away and you sort of have to grieve for the loss a little. Focus on making the setup of the real thing you have as nice as possible and I think the loss of the idea will fade.
Another phase that's similar but I think separate that I see people go through is when, for first-time home buyers, the seemingly endless work and responsibility of having a house hits them, and they get overwhelmed and depressed that they'll never get everything done or even keep up with all the piddling repairs and maintenance that DIY shows and websites tell them have to be done all the time (did you roll your lawn, is your insulation R value high enough in your basement, did you re-caulk your windows, does your attic have sophit vents, did you change your snow blower oil, etc etc?). It's a particularly hard transition if you've moved from a rental into your own home and the million the landlord was responsible for (whether he did them or not, at least you didn't have to worry about it) now all at once falls on your shoulders. That can be a shock, too, that one has to adapt to (deep breathing helps).
posted by aught at 6:29 AM on February 9, 2011 [2 favorites]
Another phase that's similar but I think separate that I see people go through is when, for first-time home buyers, the seemingly endless work and responsibility of having a house hits them, and they get overwhelmed and depressed that they'll never get everything done or even keep up with all the piddling repairs and maintenance that DIY shows and websites tell them have to be done all the time (did you roll your lawn, is your insulation R value high enough in your basement, did you re-caulk your windows, does your attic have sophit vents, did you change your snow blower oil, etc etc?). It's a particularly hard transition if you've moved from a rental into your own home and the million the landlord was responsible for (whether he did them or not, at least you didn't have to worry about it) now all at once falls on your shoulders. That can be a shock, too, that one has to adapt to (deep breathing helps).
posted by aught at 6:29 AM on February 9, 2011 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I've made a lot of mistakes in my life and have often been filled with regret and longing over "what could have been". So things didn't turn out the way I had imagined twenty years ago, but they're pretty good -- in many ways, better than I had ever imagined. I've had experiences and opportunities that never would have happened otherwise and met people who changed my whole perspective on humanity. In retrospect I can't believe how long I mourned my fantasy when there were so many great things happening around me. Basically all the cliches are true: life is what you make of it, lemons and lemonade, greener grass, etc.
Enjoy your life in the house and see where it leads you! Maybe the whole fiasco of lawyers' fees and losing the second choice will be the start of the story of your new life. "Can you believe we almost didn't get this house? We never would have met our best friends/started homebrewing (with the time you would have spent on goats)/found the box of gold in the cellar/gotten our black belts in Karate (goat time)/started our honey and egg cosmetics line (goats)/had all of those amazing memories. Best wishes!
posted by defreckled at 6:35 AM on February 9, 2011 [5 favorites]
Enjoy your life in the house and see where it leads you! Maybe the whole fiasco of lawyers' fees and losing the second choice will be the start of the story of your new life. "Can you believe we almost didn't get this house? We never would have met our best friends/started homebrewing (with the time you would have spent on goats)/found the box of gold in the cellar/gotten our black belts in Karate (goat time)/started our honey and egg cosmetics line (goats)/had all of those amazing memories. Best wishes!
posted by defreckled at 6:35 AM on February 9, 2011 [5 favorites]
I felt like this when I first moved into my place, and it's just a rental. The "OMG there's a thing that's better and costs less and is closer to work and you can have a fire pit and glaaaargh" thing is universal, I think. You did your due diligence, you own a house. Yay!
Having said that, there is nothing like decorating in terms of "this is now my place" ROI. Put up some photos and stick a neon gnome by your front door. It really helps.
posted by SMPA at 7:26 AM on February 9, 2011
Having said that, there is nothing like decorating in terms of "this is now my place" ROI. Put up some photos and stick a neon gnome by your front door. It really helps.
posted by SMPA at 7:26 AM on February 9, 2011
I just used this in another thread: "Don't let the Perfect be the Enemy of the Good"
posted by peagood at 7:37 AM on February 9, 2011 [7 favorites]
posted by peagood at 7:37 AM on February 9, 2011 [7 favorites]
People often feel depressed when they work really hard at something and then poof!...its over.
Even if it turns out for the best. It just seems that they couldn't acknowledge how much it had taken out of them while they were in the midst working on the problem.
posted by bonobothegreat at 7:53 AM on February 9, 2011 [2 favorites]
Even if it turns out for the best. It just seems that they couldn't acknowledge how much it had taken out of them while they were in the midst working on the problem.
posted by bonobothegreat at 7:53 AM on February 9, 2011 [2 favorites]
I bet that you'll love your house in a few months. When you move in, you will start to appreciate things that you didn't even know you wanted. A house is kind of like a good relationship that way. And your house sounds lovely - I'm jealous!
posted by walla at 8:25 AM on February 9, 2011
posted by walla at 8:25 AM on February 9, 2011
In six months you will likely come to believe that this house was in fact the best choice; and you'd probably pick it over the others if offered the chance again. Dan Gilbert among others have verified this empirically. This question is very relevant to me since we're also about to buy a house that wasn't our first choice. So, don't worry - you'll get over it and a year from now you probably won't even recognize this question as being your own.
posted by r_nebblesworthII at 9:37 AM on February 9, 2011
posted by r_nebblesworthII at 9:37 AM on February 9, 2011
We moved to a new town and pretty much had to find a house within a couple of weeks. Three months after we bought it, someone broke in (they didn't take much, but cost a fair amount in damage). I was so heartbroken about the purchase. Most of the time I think the house is good enough though. It's working on making "good enough" okay that's difficult sometimes, because there'll always be something better out there.
posted by bizzyb at 9:45 AM on February 9, 2011
posted by bizzyb at 9:45 AM on February 9, 2011
First off, realize that those other houses may look great in the real estate listings, but that's the whole purpose - to present a house for sale in the best possible light. If you were to actually go look at them chances are there would be other big issues that would overshadow the attributes highlighted in the listing. They wouldn't seem like such an attractive alternative, then.
Recognize that everyone who has ever bought a house goes through this to some degree. It's normal.
Love your house and make it yours. It sounds like a neat place! Start planning your gardens and projects. You may not have room for goats, but gardens and bees sound lovely. You probably have space for chickens or rabbits. (And if you're into that kind of stuff, you will probably love Urban Homestead for inspiration. One of my favorite sites.)
posted by Ostara at 9:51 AM on February 9, 2011
Recognize that everyone who has ever bought a house goes through this to some degree. It's normal.
Love your house and make it yours. It sounds like a neat place! Start planning your gardens and projects. You may not have room for goats, but gardens and bees sound lovely. You probably have space for chickens or rabbits. (And if you're into that kind of stuff, you will probably love Urban Homestead for inspiration. One of my favorite sites.)
posted by Ostara at 9:51 AM on February 9, 2011
I agree with everyone who says paint, fix it up, do something to make it yours. The house I bought two years ago is far from my dream house - in fact, sometimes I think the nicest thing I can say about my house is that the ceilings are too low to hang yourself from - but I love it dearly now. I painted the kitchen orange. I cut a big hole in the wall between the kitchen and the living room. I ripped up some of the hideous carpet and covered the rest with rugs. I put in new windows and a new furnace and painted the whole thing green and, hey, it is funky and crazy and a bit decrepit: just like me. I love my house now because, after two and a half years, it feels like it's finally really, really mine. These things take time. Try not to beat yourself up or think about the might have beens but instead take some action to turn your house into a reflection of yourself.
posted by mygothlaundry at 11:09 AM on February 9, 2011
posted by mygothlaundry at 11:09 AM on February 9, 2011
Apologies if this has already been mentioned upthread, but here's my take:
Why did you want a sea view? Was it purely because it's a sea view or was it because you could picture, in your head, you and your partner sitting and sipping drinks and enjoying the sunset and sea breeze? I have no experience buying a house (and won't for a very long time), but I've also made lists of things I would love to have--a certain look, a certain feel, certain features.
A lot of the time I realize that I want these things because I've seen pictures of people and their houses and thought "wow, that looks awesome. Look how happy they are! Look how beautifully the room is decorated...I would love to have that." I create this ideal in my head, a pretty little picture of me in my stylishly furnished abode, the light coming in just right, and me sipping some tea and feeling that all is right in the world. I dream of the perfect house, but really because that house becomes part of the perfect picture of what my LIFE would be.
I'm starting to realize that those nice little visions don't just happen, at least not right away. Those beautiful house pictures all over the internet are a little deceptive, you don't immediately see all the hard work/labor/frustration that went into creating it. I very much doubt that the "before" to that "after" was something the owners loved right away. But were able to see the potential and turn it into something they love (and heck! that i love!). I think very few people buy the house of their dreams (even if they say it)...they buy a house and TURN it into the house of their dreams. Heck, what's "good enough" for you may be someone's "dream" right now, and imagine what it'll be when you finish spiffing it up!
PS Old house with a history? Room enough for chickens and a garden and a hive of bees? Your house actually sounds quite dreamy to me! I'm jealous :) Congratulations!
posted by sprezzy at 11:12 AM on February 9, 2011
Why did you want a sea view? Was it purely because it's a sea view or was it because you could picture, in your head, you and your partner sitting and sipping drinks and enjoying the sunset and sea breeze? I have no experience buying a house (and won't for a very long time), but I've also made lists of things I would love to have--a certain look, a certain feel, certain features.
A lot of the time I realize that I want these things because I've seen pictures of people and their houses and thought "wow, that looks awesome. Look how happy they are! Look how beautifully the room is decorated...I would love to have that." I create this ideal in my head, a pretty little picture of me in my stylishly furnished abode, the light coming in just right, and me sipping some tea and feeling that all is right in the world. I dream of the perfect house, but really because that house becomes part of the perfect picture of what my LIFE would be.
I'm starting to realize that those nice little visions don't just happen, at least not right away. Those beautiful house pictures all over the internet are a little deceptive, you don't immediately see all the hard work/labor/frustration that went into creating it. I very much doubt that the "before" to that "after" was something the owners loved right away. But were able to see the potential and turn it into something they love (and heck! that i love!). I think very few people buy the house of their dreams (even if they say it)...they buy a house and TURN it into the house of their dreams. Heck, what's "good enough" for you may be someone's "dream" right now, and imagine what it'll be when you finish spiffing it up!
PS Old house with a history? Room enough for chickens and a garden and a hive of bees? Your house actually sounds quite dreamy to me! I'm jealous :) Congratulations!
posted by sprezzy at 11:12 AM on February 9, 2011
Take a moment and think about all the houses that you *didn't* buy. Think about all the crappy, sad-sack houses in bad neighborhoods. Think about the snarled noisy traffic and the unfriendly avenues. Think about those houses near airports, under power lines, next to garbage dumps.
Think even about the dream houses you passed over. Except that some may come with horrible neighbors who party to all hours and dump their trash in your backyard. Others have hidden rude surprises a hairline crack in a basement pipe just waiting to burst. Perhaps there's a small hole in the roof where water is slowly pooling.
Or not. Maybe that dream house is perfect in every way. But inside the house, the air is strained by the tightness of the people inside it.
Now take a another look at your own house. It's yours. Despite not being perfect, it spoke to you and called your name. You answered. It sits and awaits your presence. It's the canvas on which you can draw your best years as a family.
Why do you want a perfect house, when you've got this one?
posted by storybored at 12:10 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
Think even about the dream houses you passed over. Except that some may come with horrible neighbors who party to all hours and dump their trash in your backyard. Others have hidden rude surprises a hairline crack in a basement pipe just waiting to burst. Perhaps there's a small hole in the roof where water is slowly pooling.
Or not. Maybe that dream house is perfect in every way. But inside the house, the air is strained by the tightness of the people inside it.
Now take a another look at your own house. It's yours. Despite not being perfect, it spoke to you and called your name. You answered. It sits and awaits your presence. It's the canvas on which you can draw your best years as a family.
Why do you want a perfect house, when you've got this one?
posted by storybored at 12:10 PM on February 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
I went through a similar thing when we bought our house. A couple of thoughts -
It's especially hard right after you buy, because you're still in the habit of looking to see what's on the market now, and thinking "should we take a look at that place?" etc. You still have the buyer's mindset, not the homeowner's mindset. With a little time, you'll fall out of this habit, so you won't be confronted with all these other seemingly great possibilities.
A caution about the homeowner's mindset: When friends come over to visit, they only see the good parts of our house. I sometimes find myself saying "oh, but you should see the broken moulding over here, or the place where the previous owner made a bad repair, plus we have roof work to do..." etc -- I run through the list of faults I see. Crazy, right? Don't be me. Instead, listen to those friends. It's a good house with lots of good features.
Think about houses you grew up in and loved. And all the good features they had, and the "quirks" that you didn't see as problems when you were a kid. Try to hold that view of your new house (even when the homeowner mindset sneaks in and tries to make you list all those little projects as if they were bad things).
posted by LobsterMitten at 5:34 PM on February 9, 2011
It's especially hard right after you buy, because you're still in the habit of looking to see what's on the market now, and thinking "should we take a look at that place?" etc. You still have the buyer's mindset, not the homeowner's mindset. With a little time, you'll fall out of this habit, so you won't be confronted with all these other seemingly great possibilities.
A caution about the homeowner's mindset: When friends come over to visit, they only see the good parts of our house. I sometimes find myself saying "oh, but you should see the broken moulding over here, or the place where the previous owner made a bad repair, plus we have roof work to do..." etc -- I run through the list of faults I see. Crazy, right? Don't be me. Instead, listen to those friends. It's a good house with lots of good features.
Think about houses you grew up in and loved. And all the good features they had, and the "quirks" that you didn't see as problems when you were a kid. Try to hold that view of your new house (even when the homeowner mindset sneaks in and tries to make you list all those little projects as if they were bad things).
posted by LobsterMitten at 5:34 PM on February 9, 2011
Also, now you can get stationery printed with your address, you can paint a wall bright orange if the spirit moves you, you can put up light fixtures or built-in shelves, you can get to know your neighbors, on and on... lots of new potentials have opened up, so focus on those.
posted by LobsterMitten at 5:37 PM on February 9, 2011
posted by LobsterMitten at 5:37 PM on February 9, 2011
Go check out the-brick-house.com (previously) and see how much they changed their house. Or Young House Love. It may not match up with your personal sense of style, but they both took their houses and made them completely their own, DIY.
posted by beepbeepboopboop at 10:47 PM on February 9, 2011
posted by beepbeepboopboop at 10:47 PM on February 9, 2011
Response by poster: Thank you all so, so much. It's really helped getting so much reassurance and strategies for thinking more positively about this from everyone who responded. Sorry I went a little crazy with the "best answer" thing earlier in the thread but just about everything written here made me say an enthusiastic "yes" in my head and helped put the smile back onto my face that I know logically should be there. I'm feeling much better about things but whenever I start thinking negative thoughts about the house I'll just reread this thread and I'm sure it will do the trick again.
I wanted a sea view as I find the sea incredibly calming and meditative to look at but now I'll be meditating on the fact that I have a "zen view" as I get to glimpse the sea from my bus window on the way to work every morning. And we may indeed have room for pygmy goats, I need to look into that. Life is good.
posted by hazyjane at 4:51 AM on February 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
I wanted a sea view as I find the sea incredibly calming and meditative to look at but now I'll be meditating on the fact that I have a "zen view" as I get to glimpse the sea from my bus window on the way to work every morning. And we may indeed have room for pygmy goats, I need to look into that. Life is good.
posted by hazyjane at 4:51 AM on February 10, 2011 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by uauage at 4:28 AM on February 9, 2011 [49 favorites]