How to contact a newly-discovered half-sibling?

February 4, 2011 9:14 AM

How should I go about contacting my half-sister whom I've never met?

I'm not sure if I'm really related to this person or not, but my father recently told me that I have a half-sister from a previous marriage. She was born somewhere around 1959-1961, so she's roughly 50 years old. I was born in 1977, so I was born when she was almost an adult. Until very recently, I had no idea that she existed.

From what I can tell from my father, he was only married for two years or so, and the relationship ended in a divorce (which was pretty rare in 1961!). I don't know if my father had any contact with this person, and any recent contact between her and my father appears to be fairly minimal - I know she sends him Christmas cards and has visited on occasion, but that's it.

When I ask my father about her, he has referred to her as my half-sister, but has also denied that he's her biological father. I'm not sure what to think. Given my father's advanced age (77) and some cognitive decline, I'm not sure how much I can trust what he's telling me.

So, I'm left thinking that I should probably contact this person. I have her name and address, and she lives in the same city as me. I think writing a letter to her to introduce myself and broach the subject of our potential shared parentage might make sense, but I don't know what I should say.

I grew up assuming I was an only child, and now I find out about a potential half-sibling while I'm grown with my own children. This is just weird and I'm wondering what advice anybody has on how to approach the initial contact and any subsequent contact.

posted by anonymous to human relations (5 answers total)

I have never been in this situation, but I know people who have.

They wrote letters that were close to what you wrote above. Very direct, Hello, This is who I am, this is what I know. I wonder if you would like to exchange emails or meet for coffee. I would like to know more about my family's history and I would love to hear from you.

Anything over emotional, personal, or OMG WE ARE NOW SIBLINGS might not go over well. Take time ask to meet this person slowly, make sure that the contact is mutual. Have no expectations, you do not know if she knows about you. So assume nothing and hope for the best.

Best of luck.
posted by Felex at 9:22 AM on February 4, 2011 [3 favorites]

Just write to her that your father recently told you about her, that you would like to meet her, that you're not sure exactly what your relationship is to her.

You could also tell her a little about yourself and your family, maybe even enclose a picture.

I wonder if your father means step-sister instead of half-sister.
posted by mareli at 9:25 AM on February 4, 2011

Hi! You're me, only I was 16 at the time and all of my family members (my father, my mother, my three half-brothers) all assumed I knew about my half-sister. I did not. It's a long and complicated story but the short version is that my dad was married to her mom, it didn't work out, and they got divorced (in 1962; not so uncommon, really). She took primary custody of the girl and my dad found out in court that he had unwittingly signed away parental rights. A year or so later, my dad married again, had three boys, divorced. A few years after that, he married my mom and I was born in 1970.

My brothers all knew about my sister. They went to the same schools. She did not know about them or my dad; her mother told her that her step-father was her real father. After his death, my youngest brother contacted her and the rest is family history. From what I remember (I was 16 and not privy to the "grown-up" conversations) she took it pretty well. We weren't close in the beginning. I was resentful and angry and it didn't help that my dad clearly favored (favors) her over the rest of us - I'm sure it's mostly guilt. She did try to reach out when I was in college but I was still angry and resentful. We've got sort of a relationship now but it's kinda weird. It is what it is, I suppose. It's not bad but we don't talk on the phone or really see each other other than for family stuff. I'm okay with that.

Take it slowly. There are DNA tests you can do to find shared parentage. Good luck.
posted by cooker girl at 9:50 AM on February 4, 2011

I'm sort of in this situation - I have three half-siblings, whom I never knew about until I was in college, and one of them contacted me, some 20 years ago now.

I'm FB friends with two of them, but really only so I can keep tabs on my dad. I frankly don't like my half-sister, and although she's always trying to send me friendly notes I kind of ignore her.

Considering your father's health, I think it might be good for you to at least have contact information for her, and maybe be in light contact via email. Its better, I think, to do this now than to meet for the first time at his funeral.
posted by anastasiav at 9:51 AM on February 4, 2011

Felex's advice is spot on.

When I was in my 20s I was contacted by a half-sister I'd never met from my father's second marriage/family. In my case the young woman didn't respect my wishes to take things slowly, be a little measured. Let's just say our brief communication ended badly.

In another situation I met with resistance when I would have liked to get to know other distant relative (in this case, a half-aunt who was administering my grandmother's estate.) She had understandable reasons for not wanting to engage with my branch of the family tree, even though I myself had nothing to do with her trauma.

I think all you can do is try to open the door, so to speak. A letter is old-fashioned but gives enough space for the person to contemplate, react, decide. But after that, respect that person's wishes.
posted by Sublimity at 1:08 PM on February 4, 2011