How can I have more sex with my boyfriend?
February 2, 2011 8:53 AM Subscribe
I hope this isn't bratty, but I want to have more sex and I don't get why my boyfriend doesn't.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (31 answers total) 12 users marked this as a favorite
My boyfriend and I have been together for one year. I am 25 and he is 27. I love him and I absolutely want to spend the rest of my life with him. We've talked about marriage and are renovating an apartment to move into together in three months.
There are so many good things: we can hang out and do nothing together and it's totally comfortable and fun; we have great conversations; in general I feel comfortable being completely myself around him.
Now here's the bratty part - For some reason, a lot of my self worth is rooted in my appearance. I'm not sure why, and it's not something I like about myself, but it's true. It's important to me that my partner finds me attractive, and tells me so regularly. (It's also important that he considers me funny/smart/kind, and we are very compatible in those areas). But my boyfriend doesn't say those everyday things to me, the "whoa you look hot tonite," "I like your hair," "your boobs are cute," random comments that in other relationships I really appreciated and made me feel physically comfortable around my partner in day-to-day sexytime. Because he doesn't give me those affirmations, I feel kind of uncomfortable when I'm naked around him. Like, "how does my belly look now?" "oh i'm naked and crossing the room, better put my arm over my boobs" just because I doubt whether he finds me attractive in that moment.
We have talked about this before, on two occasions. Both times he laughed and and told me that he thought he was the luckiest guy because I was the most gorgeous girl in the city, and that I was crazy to doubt myself and super hot. He says that other aspects of my personality are way more important to him and to our relationship and that it just doesn't occur to him to tell me these little comments about my physical appearance. But he said that he would try to tell me more often. He hasn't and I can't really blame him if it doesn't occur naturally to him.
It was reassuring but the effects of those comments haven't lasted. I don't want to bring it up again because I DO NOT want to be one of those girls, sobbing to their boyfriends, "TELL ME I'M PRETTTTTYYYYY".
I went into this backstory because for the past two months our sex lives have been in a bit of a lull. We were having sex 4-5x/week (once per time we hung out) and now we're having sex 1x/week (about every third night we spend together). He took on a job where he is out in the cold all day, and is always dead tired by the time I get out of work at 9pm. So we go to bed, and then we wake up to his dogs jumping on the bed a to be taken out for a walk at 5:30 am. One of us lays in bed while the other takes the dogs out, then we sometimes have sex. Further complicated is the fact that I live with my parents about 20 minutes away, we've been having storms and my car is shit in the snow so we haven't been able to spend so many nights together.
I told him that I wanted to have sex more, and he told me that he was stressed out about work and that stress makes him not want to have sex. He said that I would have to put forth a greater effort to make him want to have sex.
I totally see his point, but: I'm really, really nervous about initiating sex because I am so doubtful about whether he is attracted to me or not. It's crippling. We will be lying in bed talking and I''ll be thinking, " I really want to lie on top of him and kiss him but what if he doesn't want to? What if he thinks I'm kind of ugly, and there's this gross girl on top of him?" It makes it so hard to work up the courage to make a move that I don't even try, and then we fall asleep.
The thing is that when I am alone, or even with anyone else except him, I think I am the bomb dot com. I'll look at myself naked in the mirror and think "look at that cute butt!" Or I catch a guy checking me out and think "thats because I look awesome." I don't get why it doesn't translate to my boyfriend. But now I am starting to feel uncomfortable just changing my clothes in front of him!
Even worse, I've started to resent him when he actually initiates sex. In my head I'm like, "oh, NOW you want to!"
Tonight was another night I couldn't go over there because of the snow, and we haven't had sex in a week. I don't know why it bothers me so much. I know that I need to do something, or have another talk with my boyfriend but I don't know what to say or how to go about changing my actions. Please help me.