Green eyed monster strikes again
January 28, 2011 9:21 AM Subscribe
Practical advice for dealing with jealousy towards one particular person? Or, how does one move from love to friendship? Sorry, whole plate-o-beans inside.
posted by anonymous to human relations (8 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
My boyfriend and I (a woman) have been together for about 22 months. We are very compatible and affectionate and love each other deeply. Things are going really well and I plan to stay with him for a long time to come. It is probably relevant to say that we were trans-continental for 6 months, and have been long distance in the same country since September.
However, there's a catch. I am unbelievably jealous of his ex-girlfriend. They were together for about 5 months, but apparently it was quite serious. It's just the one ex who is a problem for me. We have run into his other exes when we were out & about, and I have been fine with them, even ones he was with longer than he was with her. I love his female friends, too. However, this one girl just gets under my skin like no one else. They don't see each other frequently any more (maybe 2-3 times a month), but were hanging out with a large circle of friends when they got together. It still makes sense that they would end up seeing each other every once in a while. This seriously makes my skin crawl. I have spent some time around her, and we have similar interests, but the idea of her hanging out with my boyfriend seriously upsets me so much that I sometimes cry. It's incredibly embarrassing. I think it's because she's a naturally bubbly, flirtatious girl, whereas I am the complete opposite. I take every bit of flirting as a sign that she still wants to be with my bf. I also feel like she seeks him out to spend time with him especially--e.g., last night they did a pub quiz (with her current bf and a mutual friend) at her suggestion. This pub quiz was in his hometown, 30 minutes from where she lives. I don't want to ask him not to see her--when they were together, she befriended some of his close friends, who have since become her neighbors. I feel like if he doesn't see her, he won't get to see them as often. Naturally, they make him happy.
I am asking this question now because she has recently gotten a boyfriend, and I think this may help me get over the major hurdle of feeling like she still wants to be with my bf. So if I can keep that in mind, what other things can I do to keep perspective when they see each other? I know my bf loves me, but I can't seem to help getting upset no matter how hard I try. I really want to get over this, as I feel like it is starting to strain our relationship, and it seems like such a ridiculous thing to lose a fantastic partner over. I am willing to befriend her, but I'm 3 hours away & working towards an MA, so visiting can be difficult.
Alternatively, how did you move from being friends with someone, to being SOs, back to being friends? I think that's something I've always struggled with, having never done it myself.
(FYI: Therapy's not an option right now.)