How much to give as a cash wedding gift in Ontario?
January 25, 2011 6:43 PM Subscribe
What's a normal cash wedding gift in Ontario?
My girlfriend's cousin and his girlfriend are getting married in two weeks. We're gonna give them cash. I figured that $100 from the two of us would be sufficient. However, my girlfriend spoke with her father who told her that we "have to give them $200."
We live in Ottawa, but neither of us is from Ontario. Her dad, who's been here for about 30 years, told us that this is standard in Ontario. To be fair, it does seem that weddings here are a little different from what I'm used to on the east coast and out west. But do we really "have" to give $200? I'm of the mind that a hundred bucks is plenty, and believe me when I say that her cousin will be more than happy with that. I mean really, who would be disappointed at only getting a hundred dollars as a gift? And it's not like I have a hundred bucks just sitting around. I live on a pretty strict budget and so does she.
I can't convince her otherwise. Anyone here from Ontario who can shed some light on this? Anyone else? Is $100 sufficient? Who's being crazy here?
My girlfriend's cousin and his girlfriend are getting married in two weeks. We're gonna give them cash. I figured that $100 from the two of us would be sufficient. However, my girlfriend spoke with her father who told her that we "have to give them $200."
We live in Ottawa, but neither of us is from Ontario. Her dad, who's been here for about 30 years, told us that this is standard in Ontario. To be fair, it does seem that weddings here are a little different from what I'm used to on the east coast and out west. But do we really "have" to give $200? I'm of the mind that a hundred bucks is plenty, and believe me when I say that her cousin will be more than happy with that. I mean really, who would be disappointed at only getting a hundred dollars as a gift? And it's not like I have a hundred bucks just sitting around. I live on a pretty strict budget and so does she.
I can't convince her otherwise. Anyone here from Ontario who can shed some light on this? Anyone else? Is $100 sufficient? Who's being crazy here?
It can depend on ethnic origin, too. I've not been in Ontario too long, but of the two weddings I have heard of, the cash gift was an order of magnitude higher at least. Unless this is a traditional Canadian family, the Ontario rules may not be the ones at play here.
Having said that, personally I'd be much more inclined to give a gift that I was comfortable with rather than any established norms. If the norm clashed too much (in amount and/or stigma from not complying) from the amount I'd be prepared to give, I'd just not go to the wedding.
posted by Brockles at 7:01 PM on January 25, 2011
Having said that, personally I'd be much more inclined to give a gift that I was comfortable with rather than any established norms. If the norm clashed too much (in amount and/or stigma from not complying) from the amount I'd be prepared to give, I'd just not go to the wedding.
posted by Brockles at 7:01 PM on January 25, 2011
Dammit, I meant to add that the two weddings I heard of where not of Canadian Origin - one was Sikh based (for at least one participant) and the other was a confusing mix with some strong Hungarian involvement,. As I say, it may not be Ontario rules that preside, that's all.
posted by Brockles at 7:02 PM on January 25, 2011
posted by Brockles at 7:02 PM on January 25, 2011
$200 is the new $100 around these parts, or so it seems.
If they are having a wedding that is much bigger than a backyard barbeque they will be spending $50 and up per guest all told.
posted by davey_darling at 7:08 PM on January 25, 2011
If they are having a wedding that is much bigger than a backyard barbeque they will be spending $50 and up per guest all told.
posted by davey_darling at 7:08 PM on January 25, 2011
$100 per guest/plate seems to be the norm, though at my own wedding I received gifts of varying amounts.
When I give this amount as a gift, I know a sizable chunk is likely going toward the cost of my meal and drinks, so I want to ensure there's extra left over for the couple to enjoy. So consider how much you'd spend for a multi-course meal for two at a fancy restaurant, then tack on a little more.
In my case, I was thankful that the gifts I received paid off the bulk of the wedding expenses, and mine was mid-sized (dinner and open bar for about 80 people at a restaurant), and neither minimalist nor extravagant.
posted by I'm Not Really a Waitress at 7:08 PM on January 25, 2011
When I give this amount as a gift, I know a sizable chunk is likely going toward the cost of my meal and drinks, so I want to ensure there's extra left over for the couple to enjoy. So consider how much you'd spend for a multi-course meal for two at a fancy restaurant, then tack on a little more.
In my case, I was thankful that the gifts I received paid off the bulk of the wedding expenses, and mine was mid-sized (dinner and open bar for about 80 people at a restaurant), and neither minimalist nor extravagant.
posted by I'm Not Really a Waitress at 7:08 PM on January 25, 2011
I'm not from Ontario (from Vancouver) but 200$ seems pretty unnecessarily excessive for your situation.. Go with 100$ seeing as you're on a strict budget.
To put this in perspective: Close friends of my boyfriend got married. They had a registry. We picked two items from their list - we got them the Sham Wow (Yep, it was on there!) and a set of party glasses. We had fun with it by getting them the funniest thing they had on their registry, paired with someone they could definitely get some use out of.
It shouldn't be a stressful situation, there shouldn't be any standards.
You decide.
posted by Bron-Y-Aur at 7:12 PM on January 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
To put this in perspective: Close friends of my boyfriend got married. They had a registry. We picked two items from their list - we got them the Sham Wow (Yep, it was on there!) and a set of party glasses. We had fun with it by getting them the funniest thing they had on their registry, paired with someone they could definitely get some use out of.
It shouldn't be a stressful situation, there shouldn't be any standards.
You decide.
posted by Bron-Y-Aur at 7:12 PM on January 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
I am originally from Buffalo, so basically Ontario, and we have always tried to estimate what we assume the couple was paying per plate and gift at least that much. That said, our typical wedding gift is approx. $100. For our own wedding in Buffalo, a $100 gift from a couple was pretty standard.
posted by ridiculous at 7:12 PM on January 25, 2011
posted by ridiculous at 7:12 PM on January 25, 2011
That should have read "something" not "someone".
posted by Bron-Y-Aur at 7:14 PM on January 25, 2011
posted by Bron-Y-Aur at 7:14 PM on January 25, 2011
I do $100 per gift giver. What that means is this: If two friends of the bride and/or groom are invited then presumably they're each giving a gift and they should each give $100. However, if one person is invited to a wedding and brings a person unknown to the bride and groom, or a person they wouldn't really and didn't really invite (the plus one), then that person wouldn't give a gift, cause why would you give a gift to someone you don't even know.
BUT, of course the plus one costs money to feed and entertain and allowing that plus one cost someone else a seat at the wedding. So, to cover the costs of the plus one, I think the real invitee/gift-giver should add to the amount. I add $50. Not like a ticket price, but just as a considerate gesture in reciprocity of their considerate gesture of allowing the +1. Obviously I would just write one check for the whole amount and not include an itemized detailing of why that amount was chosen.
So to summarize: One person goes to a wedding, $100. Two people (say a couple both friends of the newlyweds) go to a wedding, $200. One person goes to a wedding and brings someone, the one person who's the real invitee gives $150. The +1 who doesn't even know the bride and groom does not need to give anything, since they're presumably going due to their relationship with the invitee, not with the bride and groom.
So, the question is, are you and your girlfriend at a point in your relationship where you were both invited to a wedding, or where she was invited and of course she's allowed to bring her boyfriend?
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 7:15 PM on January 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
BUT, of course the plus one costs money to feed and entertain and allowing that plus one cost someone else a seat at the wedding. So, to cover the costs of the plus one, I think the real invitee/gift-giver should add to the amount. I add $50. Not like a ticket price, but just as a considerate gesture in reciprocity of their considerate gesture of allowing the +1. Obviously I would just write one check for the whole amount and not include an itemized detailing of why that amount was chosen.
So to summarize: One person goes to a wedding, $100. Two people (say a couple both friends of the newlyweds) go to a wedding, $200. One person goes to a wedding and brings someone, the one person who's the real invitee gives $150. The +1 who doesn't even know the bride and groom does not need to give anything, since they're presumably going due to their relationship with the invitee, not with the bride and groom.
So, the question is, are you and your girlfriend at a point in your relationship where you were both invited to a wedding, or where she was invited and of course she's allowed to bring her boyfriend?
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 7:15 PM on January 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
Late 20s Nova Scotian now living in Ottawa. My partner and I tend to give $175-250 (total) in either cash or gifts, depending on how well we know the couple. This amount has increased as we've moved out of the realm of being university students and into the working world. I personally dislike giving cash, but it seems to be the thing to do here (that and those awful stag and doe parties).
You should give an amount with which you feel comfortable. It sounds like $100 hits the mark. If you can't afford $200 as your girlfriend's father suggests (and I disagree that you must give that much), then you really, really don't have to give that much. No one will be checking your envelope to see how much your cheque is for when you drop it off at the reception.
posted by flying kumquat at 7:19 PM on January 25, 2011
You should give an amount with which you feel comfortable. It sounds like $100 hits the mark. If you can't afford $200 as your girlfriend's father suggests (and I disagree that you must give that much), then you really, really don't have to give that much. No one will be checking your envelope to see how much your cheque is for when you drop it off at the reception.
posted by flying kumquat at 7:19 PM on January 25, 2011
Give what you can honestly afford (keeping in mind rent/food/medical expenses/electricity bill etc) without feeling anxious or resentful or scared.
If that is $200 total, that is okay.
If that is $100 total, that is okay.
If that is $30 each, that is okay.
Wedding gifts should be an act of joyful generosity, not a cause for anxiety and fear.
posted by with the singing green stars as our guide at 7:22 PM on January 25, 2011 [10 favorites]
If that is $200 total, that is okay.
If that is $100 total, that is okay.
If that is $30 each, that is okay.
Wedding gifts should be an act of joyful generosity, not a cause for anxiety and fear.
posted by with the singing green stars as our guide at 7:22 PM on January 25, 2011 [10 favorites]
I think $100 is fair, but $150 is suspiciously compromise-friendly given who it is that disagrees with you.
I'm in Ohio, but $100-150 (US$) is pretty typical. The last wedding I went to, I think I spent closer to $200, but I like the bride a lot, so.
posted by SMPA at 7:22 PM on January 25, 2011
I'm in Ohio, but $100-150 (US$) is pretty typical. The last wedding I went to, I think I spent closer to $200, but I like the bride a lot, so.
posted by SMPA at 7:22 PM on January 25, 2011
Best answer: I really liked Miss Manners on this subject:
"Dear Miss Manners,
This topic has recently come up and is causing much debate among friends. Please settle this for us. Is there a "proper" amount for a wedding gift? I have heard more and more people say that their gift must cover the cost of their dinner. Is this not just "paying admission" for attending the affair? My 25-year-old daughter (who has just recently gotten a job) is beginning to be invited to weddings of peers, and cannot afford to cover the cost of her meal.
Gentle Reader,
That this idea is widespread does not rescue it from being astonishingly vulgar and crass, for exactly the reasons you mention.
Etiquette recognizes no such rule, Miss Manners assures you. It assumes, perhaps naively, that wedding guests are invited solely because their attending has emotional value, and that wedding presents are selected by the guests from within their particular financial means, solely to please the recipients."
posted by with the singing green stars as our guide at 7:25 PM on January 25, 2011 [9 favorites]
"Dear Miss Manners,
This topic has recently come up and is causing much debate among friends. Please settle this for us. Is there a "proper" amount for a wedding gift? I have heard more and more people say that their gift must cover the cost of their dinner. Is this not just "paying admission" for attending the affair? My 25-year-old daughter (who has just recently gotten a job) is beginning to be invited to weddings of peers, and cannot afford to cover the cost of her meal.
Gentle Reader,
That this idea is widespread does not rescue it from being astonishingly vulgar and crass, for exactly the reasons you mention.
Etiquette recognizes no such rule, Miss Manners assures you. It assumes, perhaps naively, that wedding guests are invited solely because their attending has emotional value, and that wedding presents are selected by the guests from within their particular financial means, solely to please the recipients."
posted by with the singing green stars as our guide at 7:25 PM on January 25, 2011 [9 favorites]
Response by poster: This feels like an episode of Seinfeld and I definitely feel like George.
These are fantastic answers, thanks everyone. I guess I was mostly asking just to help convince my girlfriend that we don't have to break the bank and give more than we can really afford since her dad has her all frazzled with this. I think that a combined gift of $100 plus a nice bottle of booze will split the difference.
posted by fso at 7:38 PM on January 25, 2011
These are fantastic answers, thanks everyone. I guess I was mostly asking just to help convince my girlfriend that we don't have to break the bank and give more than we can really afford since her dad has her all frazzled with this. I think that a combined gift of $100 plus a nice bottle of booze will split the difference.
posted by fso at 7:38 PM on January 25, 2011
Wow, I must be totally out of touch because it's never occurred to me that I should adjust my gift based on what I think the bride and groom have spent on my meal. Yuck!
Stay within your means and know that a true friend will never judge you based on your gift. Go to the wedding and help them have the time of their lives. Get crazy on the dance floor, make sure the bride is surrounding by lively conversation and always has a drink available, congratulate the groom on what a lucky devil he is and dance with all the sisters, mothers and cousins. Have fun!
posted by victoriab at 7:59 PM on January 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
Stay within your means and know that a true friend will never judge you based on your gift. Go to the wedding and help them have the time of their lives. Get crazy on the dance floor, make sure the bride is surrounding by lively conversation and always has a drink available, congratulate the groom on what a lucky devil he is and dance with all the sisters, mothers and cousins. Have fun!
posted by victoriab at 7:59 PM on January 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
I'm in Ontario, got married a decade ago and was shocked to get $100 from several couples (all in their late twenties/early thirties & some in their forties) as I thought that was too much. I agree that in different cultures here (Italian, Yugoslavian, East Indian) the older and closer related generation give a more generous gift as a form of potlactch but I would have been embarrassed to get an overly generous gift from a peer. That just means that when (if) you get married they will either have to pony up the same generous and unaffordable amount to you or else they will quietly drop you as friends to avoid having to reciprocate.
Personally, I HATE the whole cash grab at weddings and treasure the art we were given as presents over the cheque. YMMV.
posted by saucysault at 8:07 PM on January 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
Personally, I HATE the whole cash grab at weddings and treasure the art we were given as presents over the cheque. YMMV.
posted by saucysault at 8:07 PM on January 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
Miss Manners is right. OTOH that's not really what you asked... $1k from a party of three was what went on recently (Ottawa); your girlfriend's father is not nuts. However, the thing to do here if you are young and broke is: suggest he pitch in.
posted by kmennie at 8:08 PM on January 25, 2011
posted by kmennie at 8:08 PM on January 25, 2011
Ontario born-and-raised here.
It depends on a variety of factors how much you give, I think. For some big Italian weddings, for example, $200 would be the bare minimum -- that's just what Italians expect. It also depends on where it is -- if it's in a big city, you'd probably give more than you would for a country cookout. And it also depends on how close you are to the bride and groom; you'd probably spend more on people you like a whole lot than on casual acquaintances. I have no idea where all these preconceptions come from, but there they are.
That said, if the bride and groom know you're on a tight budget, I think $100 is fine. My partner and I are students and always give a gift around $80-100. (I wish we could give more but it's just not possible right now.) Once we have more money, we'll up it to $200+.
However, here's a tip: I hate giving cash because it is so obvious what you spent. This is why I buy off the registry. Get whatever is on the registry AND on sale at the Bay; look like you've spent a lot but buy it half price. NEVER ever pay full price for anything at the Bay. My new slogan, after all the weddings I've been to the past few years and after setting up my own registry: full price at the Bay is for chumps.
posted by pised at 8:15 PM on January 25, 2011
It depends on a variety of factors how much you give, I think. For some big Italian weddings, for example, $200 would be the bare minimum -- that's just what Italians expect. It also depends on where it is -- if it's in a big city, you'd probably give more than you would for a country cookout. And it also depends on how close you are to the bride and groom; you'd probably spend more on people you like a whole lot than on casual acquaintances. I have no idea where all these preconceptions come from, but there they are.
That said, if the bride and groom know you're on a tight budget, I think $100 is fine. My partner and I are students and always give a gift around $80-100. (I wish we could give more but it's just not possible right now.) Once we have more money, we'll up it to $200+.
However, here's a tip: I hate giving cash because it is so obvious what you spent. This is why I buy off the registry. Get whatever is on the registry AND on sale at the Bay; look like you've spent a lot but buy it half price. NEVER ever pay full price for anything at the Bay. My new slogan, after all the weddings I've been to the past few years and after setting up my own registry: full price at the Bay is for chumps.
posted by pised at 8:15 PM on January 25, 2011
Also:
I am originally from Buffalo, so basically Ontario
Dude. Come on now.
posted by pised at 8:15 PM on January 25, 2011 [8 favorites]
I am originally from Buffalo, so basically Ontario
Dude. Come on now.
posted by pised at 8:15 PM on January 25, 2011 [8 favorites]
Miss Manners is an invaluable guide in this and all things. However, you do realize that if you win on this issue her father is quite likely to privately rename you "that cheap bastard" right? He clearly thinks $100 is low enough to border on insulting, and if he feels like you twisted his daughter's arm into insulting his family he will likely resent you for it. Maybe you're broke as a joke right now and feel it's worth the risk, but getting the whole wide Internet to agree you're right ain't going to do a thing to prevent or alleviate any fallout.
posted by Diablevert at 8:27 PM on January 25, 2011
posted by Diablevert at 8:27 PM on January 25, 2011
However, here's a tip: I hate giving cash because it is so obvious what you spent. This is why I buy off the registry. Get whatever is on the registry AND on sale at the Bay; look like you've spent a lot but buy it half price. NEVER ever pay full price for anything at the Bay. My new slogan, after all the weddings I've been to the past few years and after setting up my own registry: full price at the Bay is for chumps.
If you're not concerned about them knowing how much you spent, here's another tip: Just about everyone registers at HBC. Instead of giving cash, get an HBC gift card. The couple gets 20% off of anything on their registry that no one buys for them. So if you give them a $100 gift card, they can buy $125 worth of stuff with it. AND they can add things to the registry after the wedding, so even if they get everything on the registry they can get other stuff later with the discount.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 9:00 PM on January 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
If you're not concerned about them knowing how much you spent, here's another tip: Just about everyone registers at HBC. Instead of giving cash, get an HBC gift card. The couple gets 20% off of anything on their registry that no one buys for them. So if you give them a $100 gift card, they can buy $125 worth of stuff with it. AND they can add things to the registry after the wedding, so even if they get everything on the registry they can get other stuff later with the discount.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 9:00 PM on January 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
Unless you are students or have another justifiable reason to spend less than 'average', i think $100 is kinda too low. Like, lightening will not strike you down or anything, but you'll look cheap.
If you don't want to spend more, i'd suggest giving a gift instead of cash - it makes the amount spent less obvious.
posted by Kololo at 9:10 PM on January 25, 2011
If you don't want to spend more, i'd suggest giving a gift instead of cash - it makes the amount spent less obvious.
posted by Kololo at 9:10 PM on January 25, 2011
Weirdo here-- when my husband and I got married a couple of years ago, we got NO cash gifts, didn't register anywhere, and were spectacularly happy when friends brought us so much as a bottle of booze (four of them went in together for it) or a couple of pounds of good coffee. I am always *horrified* by the materialism that goes on with weddings these days. I know that seems to be The Way Of Things, but good heavens, I'm glad it isn't the case among our friends!
A couple of very close friends got married this autumn, and we gave them $100, with the stipulation that they had to spend it on something fun on their honeymoon. We were in the wedding party (as they had been in ours), so these weren't just acquaintances.. They were really, really touched, and more into the card than the cash. THAT is how I think it should go.
Not your fault that it doesn't, of course. But count me as someone who absolutely doesn't think you're obligated to eat ramen for six months just to meet some silly, arbitrary expectation for distant relatives' weddings. Unless you plan to stomp and scream about people not paying you a month's salary whenever *you* get married. If you do, you're on your own.
posted by Because at 10:29 PM on January 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
A couple of very close friends got married this autumn, and we gave them $100, with the stipulation that they had to spend it on something fun on their honeymoon. We were in the wedding party (as they had been in ours), so these weren't just acquaintances.. They were really, really touched, and more into the card than the cash. THAT is how I think it should go.
Not your fault that it doesn't, of course. But count me as someone who absolutely doesn't think you're obligated to eat ramen for six months just to meet some silly, arbitrary expectation for distant relatives' weddings. Unless you plan to stomp and scream about people not paying you a month's salary whenever *you* get married. If you do, you're on your own.
posted by Because at 10:29 PM on January 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
As someone who got married in Ontario a couple years ago, I can tell you that my wife and I received both cheques and gifts that had a *wide* range in value. Some gifts from couples were clearly worth a lot less than $100, while one couple that we didn't know that well gave us a $500 cheque (!). I was also surprised by how little income status of each guest (or at least my perception of their status) seemed to relate to their gift amount.
The last wedding we went to where we gave cash, we gave $200. So I would agree with many people here who say that $200 is a fairly "normal" amount these days. But I strongly disagree that $100 is "too low". I also agree with Mrs. Manners: it's absurd and crass, this concept that the gift value should match or exceed the per-guest wedding cost. (If the people getting married actually cared about that, they would spend less money on the wedding! And it's perfectly possible to spend less on a wedding than most people seem to do.) I found the whole experience of being showered with gifts and cash pretty weird, myself, and I felt like *any* gift at all, no matter what value, was thoughtful.
In ye olden times, when 18-year-olds got married and then immediately had 7 kids, I can see why the guests ponying up money and china and silverware and such made sense — the happy couple were just starting their adult lives, likely had very few possessions, and would need all of it to start a family. Nowadays, with most people getting married in their late 20s or early 30s, with already-stable jobs, kitchens full of dishes, cars, houses…well it seems bizarre to have so much money still changing hands.
Assuming you know your girlfriend's cousin and girlfriend enjoy booze, I think that's a great gift, personally. You can splurge on a fancy bottle of wine or champagne or scotch or whatever, and perhaps add a pair of glasses for drinking it.
posted by attaboy at 10:54 PM on January 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
The last wedding we went to where we gave cash, we gave $200. So I would agree with many people here who say that $200 is a fairly "normal" amount these days. But I strongly disagree that $100 is "too low". I also agree with Mrs. Manners: it's absurd and crass, this concept that the gift value should match or exceed the per-guest wedding cost. (If the people getting married actually cared about that, they would spend less money on the wedding! And it's perfectly possible to spend less on a wedding than most people seem to do.) I found the whole experience of being showered with gifts and cash pretty weird, myself, and I felt like *any* gift at all, no matter what value, was thoughtful.
In ye olden times, when 18-year-olds got married and then immediately had 7 kids, I can see why the guests ponying up money and china and silverware and such made sense — the happy couple were just starting their adult lives, likely had very few possessions, and would need all of it to start a family. Nowadays, with most people getting married in their late 20s or early 30s, with already-stable jobs, kitchens full of dishes, cars, houses…well it seems bizarre to have so much money still changing hands.
Assuming you know your girlfriend's cousin and girlfriend enjoy booze, I think that's a great gift, personally. You can splurge on a fancy bottle of wine or champagne or scotch or whatever, and perhaps add a pair of glasses for drinking it.
posted by attaboy at 10:54 PM on January 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
pised- it was a joke, many people kid that Buffalo is basically Canada.
posted by ridiculous at 4:38 AM on January 26, 2011
posted by ridiculous at 4:38 AM on January 26, 2011
I'm getting married in two months, and I'd be shocked if my coupled friends gave as much as $100-200. It's not about the gift, it's about the company.
posted by two lights above the sea at 6:05 AM on January 26, 2011
posted by two lights above the sea at 6:05 AM on January 26, 2011
In ye olden times, when 18-year-olds got married and then immediately had 7 kids, I can see why the guests ponying up money and china and silverware and such made sense — the happy couple were just starting their adult lives, likely had very few possessions, and would need all of it to start a family. Nowadays, with most people getting married in their late 20s or early 30s, with already-stable jobs, kitchens full of dishes, cars, houses…well it seems bizarre to have so much money still changing hands.
Agreed, but for slightly different reasons. While it is crass and vulgar to give cash, it is better than giving them some blender or book end set they will never use and end up getting thrown away.
Gifts are given for the use or enjoyment of the recipient. If I, the gift giver, figure that of all the gift options I can think of, cash is the most useful and enjoyable, then that's what I ought to give them.
The other concerns like "but then they will know exactly how much I spent" or "what a cold, unfeeling gift" and the like are expressions of our own ego, and projecting that onto the recipients. And that isn't what giving is supposed to be about.
The calculations of how much they spent on the wedding may seem crass, but they have utility. If I want to make sure my friends have $50 in their pocket that they can actually spend on something enjoyable, of course I will have to try and figure out what they spent on the party. The gift isn't the money alone, but the freedom of not having to pay for my portion of the catering tab.
$100 is fine if that's what you can afford. If the father in law disagrees, ask him to loan you the other $100.
posted by gjc at 6:18 AM on January 26, 2011
Agreed, but for slightly different reasons. While it is crass and vulgar to give cash, it is better than giving them some blender or book end set they will never use and end up getting thrown away.
Gifts are given for the use or enjoyment of the recipient. If I, the gift giver, figure that of all the gift options I can think of, cash is the most useful and enjoyable, then that's what I ought to give them.
The other concerns like "but then they will know exactly how much I spent" or "what a cold, unfeeling gift" and the like are expressions of our own ego, and projecting that onto the recipients. And that isn't what giving is supposed to be about.
The calculations of how much they spent on the wedding may seem crass, but they have utility. If I want to make sure my friends have $50 in their pocket that they can actually spend on something enjoyable, of course I will have to try and figure out what they spent on the party. The gift isn't the money alone, but the freedom of not having to pay for my portion of the catering tab.
$100 is fine if that's what you can afford. If the father in law disagrees, ask him to loan you the other $100.
posted by gjc at 6:18 AM on January 26, 2011
Disclaimer - wedding in Chicago, not Canada.
However, I'll just say that there was an older-generation ballpark figure on most checks, and the younger generation varied down to half or even 1/3 that. When friends of my own age gave us cash gifts the full amount of the "older generation" figure, my emotional reaction mostly fell into one of two thoughts, depending on the particular friends: 1) "huh, wow, I guess we actually are all grown up, and there's not much different between two 30 year olds with salary jobs and my 55-year old uncle and his stay-at-home wife... I guess we're doing pretty well, too. Maybe I should revise my idea of how much is a good gift next time I'm invited to a wedding!" and 2) "really?! I know X is worried about her job, and I thought they were saving up for a YZ, so I'm surprised they went so far out of their way! I guess this is important to them?? I hope we didn't crash their budget! I'll be sure to pick up the dinner check next time we see them..."
In short, unless the happy couple is materialistic, unsympathetic, or cranky, and unless you are rockin the DINK lifestyle, they might feel guilty getting as much cash from you two as from her dad.
posted by aimedwander at 7:18 AM on January 26, 2011
However, I'll just say that there was an older-generation ballpark figure on most checks, and the younger generation varied down to half or even 1/3 that. When friends of my own age gave us cash gifts the full amount of the "older generation" figure, my emotional reaction mostly fell into one of two thoughts, depending on the particular friends: 1) "huh, wow, I guess we actually are all grown up, and there's not much different between two 30 year olds with salary jobs and my 55-year old uncle and his stay-at-home wife... I guess we're doing pretty well, too. Maybe I should revise my idea of how much is a good gift next time I'm invited to a wedding!" and 2) "really?! I know X is worried about her job, and I thought they were saving up for a YZ, so I'm surprised they went so far out of their way! I guess this is important to them?? I hope we didn't crash their budget! I'll be sure to pick up the dinner check next time we see them..."
In short, unless the happy couple is materialistic, unsympathetic, or cranky, and unless you are rockin the DINK lifestyle, they might feel guilty getting as much cash from you two as from her dad.
posted by aimedwander at 7:18 AM on January 26, 2011
It may make sense to defer to your girlfriend's father, so that you preserve that relationship and any others it influences. However, you could look at buying something they registered for at half price and including a gift receipt. So buy a $175-$200 item that is on major discount (happens all the time at HBC, such as with sheets) and include a gift receipt. Then they can return it for cash/gift card or exchange it. It's the less expensive way to satisfy the dad and still respect your budget.
posted by acoutu at 7:04 PM on January 26, 2011
posted by acoutu at 7:04 PM on January 26, 2011
I re-reading the question and seeing it is her family I would also defer to the father's judgement as he would know the norms inhid own family. If you really can't swallow it then she can pay $100 and you pay your original $50. For some reason I misunderstood it to be friends but family often pays more and I think that is normal.
posted by saucysault at 3:06 AM on January 27, 2011
posted by saucysault at 3:06 AM on January 27, 2011
married in Ontario in 2005.
Couples gave us on average $100, not $200. Single people also gave us about $100 -- which seems to be very unfair.
That said, I am a very firm believer in the "by your ability method". For some people, $100 is what they spend on take-out; for others, it's what stands between them and sleeping on the street. A $20 from a poor person is a more generous gift than $100 from someone well-to-do. (For a more poetic version, see the gospel where Jesus lauds the poor woman who gives just a penny or so to the temple).
posted by jb at 10:18 PM on January 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
Couples gave us on average $100, not $200. Single people also gave us about $100 -- which seems to be very unfair.
That said, I am a very firm believer in the "by your ability method". For some people, $100 is what they spend on take-out; for others, it's what stands between them and sleeping on the street. A $20 from a poor person is a more generous gift than $100 from someone well-to-do. (For a more poetic version, see the gospel where Jesus lauds the poor woman who gives just a penny or so to the temple).
posted by jb at 10:18 PM on January 27, 2011 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Go Banana at 6:45 PM on January 25, 2011