How should I respond to my ex?

January 12, 2011 12:49 PM

How should I respond to my ex's request for a domain name I purchased when we were together?

I recently got an e-mail from an ex that I am not on speaking terms with. The relationship ended three years ago, and it was highly dysfunctional.

I do bear my own share of blame for the failure of the relationship (depression), but towards the end she was especially cruel to me. I've given her a lot of things during the course of a long relationship, including a significant loan to cover her tax bill (thousands of dollars).

At the time I was naive and was stupidly trying to prove my love for her after everything else failed. After we broke up, I tried to be friends with her. But I ran into a great financial difficulty (which I am still recovering from) and she didn't once offer to pay me back for the loan or help out by selling some of the valuable material things I've given her (TV, furniture, etc). I also stupidly didn't pursue the money she owed me.

After I realized that she valued her the material things I gave her more than me (among some other things), I cut her out of my life. Fast forward until now, she just sent me an e-mail about a domain url consisting her name that I bought for her a long time ago (with my money no less). I presume she's starting something and want the domain, and she went ahead and called my registrar to see how she could get the domain back and then e-mailed the instructions to me on an assumption that I'll just give it to her.

I generally don't hate her, but do believe that she's a rather self-centered person. On one hand I feel like I should take the high road and just give her the domain, on the other hand I feel like I don't owe her anything and don't want to help her.

Just putting this out on the green to get some perspective.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (49 answers total)

a domain url consisting her name that I bought for her

It's not worth a fight.
posted by inigo2 at 12:52 PM on January 12, 2011 [9 favorites]

Even the memory of this woman seems rather toxic to you. If the last thing that links her to you is this domain, let it go.

You may feel like you're losing another battle, but you'll be a lot closer to winning the war.
posted by MuffinMan at 12:54 PM on January 12, 2011

My dad is going through this, post-divorce, with the woman who walked out on him. It sucks. If you really want to cut ties, sign the domain totally over to her and you're further along that path. I am sorry about your relationship, I am sorry you were treated poorly, I am sorry you made some of your own bad choices that you regret. None of that has to do with this situation which, restated is "Given that I want to cut this woman out of my life, what is the best thing to do about this irritating development?" The answer to that question is, to me, quite clear.
posted by jessamyn at 12:55 PM on January 12, 2011 [2 favorites]

Oh, it's her name, just give it to her and it'll be one more way she's out of your life.
posted by fiercecupcake at 12:56 PM on January 12, 2011 [9 favorites]

I'd sell it to her for a reasonable price, the same as if it was a total stranger asking about the domain. Mainly, because since it has her name in it, it could be squatting if you refused to sell it or tried to charge something astronomically high.
posted by Kurichina at 12:56 PM on January 12, 2011 [5 favorites]

Hand it over, but after she's paid you a reasonable price for it. She's screwed you over enough for you to still be her doormat. Research a fair, reasonable price and send her an offer to sell it.
posted by motsque at 12:59 PM on January 12, 2011 [2 favorites]

Resentment is like drinking poison and then waiting for someone else to die.

Just give it to her. For nothing.
posted by DWRoelands at 1:00 PM on January 12, 2011 [27 favorites]

How much is a domain these days? $4? Just give it to her. Be the better person and get her out of your life.
posted by idb at 1:00 PM on January 12, 2011

Just give her the domain. Trying to squeeze the ten bucks or whatever you paid out of her is going to extract much more emotional cost from you than the cash could possibly represent.
posted by ook at 1:01 PM on January 12, 2011

Ask her for the domain and hosting fees for the last 3 years (or whatever time you have been apart). If she balks, just let the domain expire and she will be on her own when it comes up for renewal.
posted by lampshade at 1:02 PM on January 12, 2011 [4 favorites]

You could give it to her, and put this behind you.

Or you could launch into a long and petty fight with her over it, which you probably won't get anything out of.

Which would you rather do?
posted by schmod at 1:02 PM on January 12, 2011

she just sent me an e-mail about a domain url consisting her name that I bought for her a long time ago (with my money no less)

It sucks that she never repaid a significant loan, but you obviously have no use for the domain and nothing really good can come from refusing to give it to her. Just hand over the domain and continue to not have any further contact with her.

I'd sell it to her for a reasonable price, the same as if it was a total stranger asking about the domain.

This is a dick move and will just create more drama in my opinion. This is like saying that if your ex left some jewelry that you bought them in your house and contacted you about it, you would offer to sell it to them for what you could get on craigslist for it. Either give it to them or don't, but charging just seems tacky.
posted by burnmp3s at 1:04 PM on January 12, 2011

A domain name is worth what, ten bucks?

Is this bullshit drama really worth ten lousy bucks?

Are you trying to stay in contact with her, or trying to get revenge on her? If not, give it away, and be thankful you don't have to interact with her any more.
posted by jenkinsEar at 1:07 PM on January 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

I'm going to be a bit of a contrarian here and suggest you ask for the loan you gave her to be repaid prior to any domain name transfer. I really doubt that giving the name away will help you "put the relationship behind you" as others have said; it's just a domain name. On the other hand, it sounds like she owes you thousands of dollars.
posted by downing street memo at 1:09 PM on January 12, 2011 [15 favorites]

First off, either give it to her, or ignore the request. Don't get in a heated battle. That will be too destructive for you.

If you really bought it for her, I'd say just give it to her. Wash your hands of the matter.

If you're using it, or for any other reason you really don't think she should have it (other than payback reasons), ignore the request.

If this were some large dollar item, like if she were requesting thousands of dollars from you, it would be worth a fight. But an unused domain name costs next to nothing.
posted by iguanapolitico at 1:09 PM on January 12, 2011

I vote just handing it over. It's the simplest thing to do with the least emotional cost.

However, I'm sometimes a petty person, and if you are, too, maybe another option would be to just ignore her email, block her address, and forget about the whole thing. I would also let the domain expire (why hasn't it already?). That way, I'm not doing any harm but I'm not actively helping her either. Only do this if you can actually completely forget about it...it's not worth it to view this as some sort of odd vengeance. Only do this from the mindset of "I don't care and I'm not going to exert another second of thought, emotions, or energy for you." But it could backfire and she'll start calling you...
posted by lacedcoffee at 1:12 PM on January 12, 2011

My first impulse after reading about the horrible things she did to you and how awful you obviously still seem to feel about it was to tell you to pretend you never got her request and never give it to her or completely get as much $$$ out of her as possible before you release it.

But I'm in a bad mood today and realize that my first impulse, though satisfying to a certain part of the brain, is toxic and gross and totally going to cause you more pain.

When I re-read your question, I realized you seemed a lot more at peace with all of this than I might be in your situation. Follow that impulse. Stay at peace. Give it away with as little fanfare as possible. Keep her cut out of your life.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 1:12 PM on January 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

Definitely let her have it. As to whether to charge her for it, visualize how you'll feel afterwards. When you visualize having just given it to her for nothing, with zero or near-zero contact with her, and having it all behind you, do you feel better, lighter? Or do you feel taken advantage of even more?

Conversely, visualize that you tell her that she can have it for $X, and then she calls you and bitches at you for being petty, and you tell to step off and that she owes you more than that amount anyway. Or maybe she just sends you a check. Do either of those scenarios make you feel better than the first one? If so, go with that.
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:13 PM on January 12, 2011

I am also going to go against the grain here. It sounds like she is a hugely self-centered person, why should she get everything she wants and more without any thought to you?

Offer to "sell" her the domain for the cost of the loan she still has not repayed.

If you just give her the domain, you will feel like an asshole, she won't just go away, and the resentment will grow. You will feel even more taken advantage of than you do now. Take some control and don't be the pushover she knows you as!

Self-centered people deserve to be toyed with sometimes. Especially since you know she just assumes you're going to roll over and give her what she wants. I bet a lot of other people in her life do the same thing.
posted by katypickle at 1:16 PM on January 12, 2011 [7 favorites]

Consider any loss as collateral on a relationship that went bad. Accept, and move on.
posted by samsara at 1:16 PM on January 12, 2011

Ignore her contact, let the domain expire.
posted by richrad at 1:17 PM on January 12, 2011 [3 favorites]

This is like saying that if your ex left some jewelry that you bought them in your house and contacted you about it, you would offer to sell it to them for what you could get on craigslist for it.

That analogy is totally inaccurate. A domain name is a business-like property; it's IP, not a personal gift like a piece of jewellery.
posted by Kurichina at 1:22 PM on January 12, 2011

why have you been renewing it all these years?

i've given this advice recently, but i think it always holds - there is no amount of money too large to be rid of a toxic ex. in this case, the amount of money is none and you don't have her name popping up on your domains anymore. that seems like a total win to me.
posted by nadawi at 1:28 PM on January 12, 2011

First, consider how much dealing with your ex again could hurt you. If you're pretty much past what happened and dealing with your ex doesn't bother you that much I'd say sell it and try to recover as much as your loan as possible.

If you are still able to be hurt by this person then ignore the contact and let it expire.

Giving it to her seems like the worst option, you both have to deal with her and you get nothing out of it other than more resentment.
posted by Loto at 1:30 PM on January 12, 2011

If you want to avoid headaches, "be the bigger person," let go and hand over the domain name.

If you want to feel like you have gotten back what you are owed (and may have mistaken gotten a sense of that), then ask for the costs for the domain name over time or whatever it is you think you are owed. The loan back. Your "missing" CDs. Etc.

You will probably not get both desires fulfilled, so decide which is more important to you. Which will eat at you more in five years?
posted by adipocere at 1:30 PM on January 12, 2011

I also question why you keep paying for this. Habit? Spite?

I don't think there's anything wrong with saying "I'd be happy to simply give it to you, however I think it would be appropriate for you to repay the loan first." However, honestly, what's the probability that's going to net you anything other than conflict and hassle? It seems unlikely.

I don't think it's healthy to get involved in these extended conflicts with people who you're better off putting behind you. However I will disagree with the majority here and say I don't think there's anything wrong with refusing to be helpful to someone who treated you poorly. If it helps you in your recovery to start a new tradition of saying no to this person, great.

Just don't go down the very easy road of restarting a shitty interaction. Some people you're better off not having any relationship with, and an extended back and forth conflict is a relationship. It's just not one that's good for anyone.
posted by phearlez at 1:41 PM on January 12, 2011

You should make a decision now about how of this you want to deal with. Then you should examine your mental and emotional state to figure if you're capable of dealing with this. A lot of people made very good points about how if you want this person out of your life, then follow that and just hand it over to her.

But I'm going to guess that you'll still be left feeling used and abused, that this person has once again gotten over on you or some such and dammit, you need to get back at them. If you're feeling like saying "fuck you' in some way, then sell her domain to spammer type person and let her deal with getting it back. I have no idea how to do this, so you'd have to look up yourself and really, then you're expending time and effort dealing with this person and their crap, which is the thing you don't want to do.

The problem is that you haven't made peace with yourself about this bad relationship. Really, it's just a simple domain, yet it's stirring up all these powerful feelings and mixed emotions in you. That, to me, is the real issue here, you, not her or the relationship. At some point you're going to have come to terms with what occurred in the relationship, certain things you did and forgive yourself for the mistakes you made.

Everyone had relationship or two where things go south and they give too much of themselves away in some form or another. It's ok if you did the same, it happens and is very human. You can't change that, only look forward and learn from any mistakes you made. Learn to it and her go and keep pushing forward to a better future.

Good luck!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:44 PM on January 12, 2011

"Please don't contact me again unless it's to discuss repayment of the $XXXX loan I made to you on {date}"
posted by electroboy at 1:47 PM on January 12, 2011 [19 favorites]

You are never, ever going to win with this woman. Putting any interaction into a win/lose context is going to mean you losing, over and over again.

Don't give her the psychic space of putting this, too, in a win/lose context. You will not get what you want (which is probably her heartfelt apology, and the return of all your money, and having the whole lousy relationship unhappen.)

What you can get out of this interaction is not having to have this interaction again, by giving her the domain name.
posted by endless_forms at 1:52 PM on January 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

why have you been renewing it all these years?

OP may not have been. It's possible to pay for more than one year up front. I just renewed a domain I own for a five-year period. If I do nothing at all, it's mine until 2016.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 2:01 PM on January 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

If you fight with a pig the only thing you get is dirty.

Let this one go. Give her the domain and be glad you have no more ties to this person.
posted by TooFewShoes at 2:02 PM on January 12, 2011

Have her sign a promissory note for the money she owes you, set up a payment plan, write you a check for the first installment and when the check clears, she can have the domain name. I would not hand it over, just because she wants it. Even if you decide that you don't want to hear from her every month, I think she should sign the note. You can set the amount to be a fraction of the total she owes, but I think that by requesting that she acknowledge the debt, you both gain something. Yes, there's the possibility of drama, but so?

And if she won't do it, tough. Let it expire and she can grab it then.
posted by Ideefixe at 2:10 PM on January 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

I would hand it over, and at the same time remind her that she owes you money. yes, it's a little tacky, but I look at it like this: a decent person would take the reminder, and say, yea, you're right, i should pay you back, and hopefully do so. A creep will ignore your reminder. So, you're giving her a chance to not be a creep. If she continues in her creepiness, then you know for sure that you are lucky to have her out of your life. it's win-win.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 2:13 PM on January 12, 2011

I think I would ask for monetary compensation. Once refused, you can consider further options. (is it possible to "donate" it to her & take it off your taxes? Is it worth giving it to her for the cutting of ties? Can you trade it for any prized posessions you've been wanting back that she may still have? Can you disown the site & let whoever snaps it up have it?)

Karma says give it to her & let it be done, but if the give-give-give aspect is bugging you, there's no charge for asking for compensation & seeing what she says. It might even be fun to sit back & enjoy for a change while she throws a fit. Sort of a restoring-the-equity moment.
posted by Ys at 2:16 PM on January 12, 2011

I think handing it over would just make me feel worse about myself. She treated you cruelly, owes you money and now wants you to just roll over and do her a favor. Make her pay something for it and donate the money to charity. I'd probably let the old loan go though. I think pursuing it would probably be a drawn out, painful process with only a marginal chance of success.
posted by smokingmonkey at 2:22 PM on January 12, 2011 [5 favorites]

I'd go for electroboy's approach, or perhaps alter it thusly: say you'll be happy to sell it to her for a token sum when she discusses a repayment plan for her outstanding debt.

Letting it slide and handing over the domain sounds intuitively commonsensical. But to me personally, giving in like that would gnaw away at me, causing ongoing resentment. It wouldn't provide psychological closure, it would do the opposite, opening the wound again by creating one more injustice to turn around in my head.
posted by dontjumplarry at 2:29 PM on January 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

There are lots of things worth fighting over. Her domain name isn't one of them. You don't think you're going to get your money back even if you hold this back as leverage, do you?
posted by J. Wilson at 3:57 PM on January 12, 2011

As you've said yourself in this question, assuming things about others' intentions and behaviors has cost you plenty, both stress-wise and financially. Why are you considering starting down that path again? And if she cost you so much then, why would you spend to renew a domain that is HER NAME? Obviously you've been waiting for today - and a chance at revenge or some reason to re-engage with her. If you're so interested in revenge, you could've populated the domain with a fake blog trying to be her, making up all kinds of crap.

It sounds to me like you aren't over this breakup, relationship or woman. Which is sad, and I understand, but c'mon, man.

Being petty isn't going to change the past and if you had real recourse to get the monies owed, small claims court would've been the place to do it. Selling her the domain name now isn't going to get you thousands of dollars if it's her name (apologies if you dated Oprah). She will likely just get a variant of her name registered if you refuse, anyway.

Bear in mind this advice comes from someone who also covered another person's IRS bill and various evil roommate and other shenanigans to the tune of almost 5 figures -- and sold virtually every possession to do so. WORTH IT.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 3:57 PM on January 12, 2011

You owe her nothing.

You should focus on what will make you feel better. If you give her the domain for nothing, will she be significantly more "out of your life"? If so, that is the plan. Would you feel better knowing that you finally had a chance to stand up for yourself, and demand that she not be selfish? If so, offer to sell the domain for the amount of the loan.
posted by mrgoldenbrown at 3:59 PM on January 12, 2011 [3 favorites]

I was in this position at one point, and I just transferred it as soon as humanly possible. Why would you want to keep something with her name on it? You can't use it for anything and it's best to just get it out of your life as quickly as possible, the same as all the other junk that belongs to her. I would consider it being in your name analogous to her having left physical gifts you gave her at your home. You could keep them, but if you don't have anything you can possibly do with that monogrammed suitcase with her initials on it, it makes the most sense just to dump the lot of it out in the yard on the day she says she'll come pick it up. There's more healing that direction than holding on.

I would also at this point assume that you are not getting paid back for the loan. The possibility of being able to go after her with a lawyer for it is not *zero*, but if you aren't willing to drag a lawyer into it, and court, and garnishments, and so on... yeah, it's not happening. (I also say this from experience.)

You live and you learn, and in your next relationship, I would advise, don't loan anybody anything. Give gifts. And by extension, if you register a domain for someone else, put it in their name immediately even if you're paying for it. Things are just clearer that way.
posted by gracedissolved at 4:14 PM on January 12, 2011 [2 favorites]

She took you for a ride and now, three years later, she wants you to do something for her?

You cut her out of your life and she doesn't like it. Ignore. Let the domain expire. This simply is not your problem.
posted by idiomatika at 4:33 PM on January 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

Don't do anything dishonest. Offer to let her settle her debt for some reasonable percentage and she can have it. Make sure she pays with cash or certified funds. Bonus points if she pays with nature's credit card, but I definitely don't recommend offering or even mentioning that.

Otherwise, filter mail and ignore her.
posted by Hylas at 4:34 PM on January 12, 2011

You owe her nothing. Absolutely nothing. If you don't want the further entanglement and complication of using this as a convenient point to remind her that you'd be more disposed to do her this favor if she honored her obligations, I would ignore her email and let the domain expire.
posted by lemniskate at 5:03 PM on January 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

offer to pay me back for the loan or help out by selling some of the valuable material things I've given her

This part really stood out to me. It's completely crazy to me to expect someone to sell a gift like a TV. It's a gift. Is there any chance that she didn't know that the loan was a loan, and not a gift? I feel like you are using this as a way to paint her as completely evil so you can get over your relationship, which is not the most healthy way to deal with things. You don't need to be her friend or even like her, but you can't expect ex-girlfriends to sell things you gave as a gift. I think the best thing you can do now is give her the domain (especially since it is her name) and take it as the step towards more perspective and getting over her.
posted by fermezporte at 6:52 PM on January 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

lampshade has it.
posted by jbenben at 7:16 PM on January 12, 2011

In addition, set your filters to discard all further contact from this person after you get an initial response. Set a timeline for the initial response in your offer email, then set your filters and remove this person from your thoughts.
posted by jbenben at 7:18 PM on January 12, 2011

Askme seems to be all about taking the high road in almost every situation which I think is usually the right thing to do. But every so often I like to take the road where I don't get walked on. This would be one of those situations for me.

I'd tell her that you'll be happy to discuss the domain name when she starts making an effort to pay back the loan. This way you can get at least one payment out of her before signing over the domain name. Of course, she'll never make a second payment, but at least you'll get something towards the loan in exchange for the domain name.
posted by hazyjane at 11:13 PM on January 12, 2011 [4 favorites]

Leaving aside all other considerations, I feel like if I secure a domain name for someone who doesn't/didn't have the familiarity with internet processes to understand it or do it for themselves, I really need to behave ethically with regard to control of that domain. If it were just some made-up name it might be different, but someone's actual personal or business identity isn't something that they would give up rights to if they knew what were doing, and I just wouldn't take advantage of that. It's not about them, it's about me.

If you feel (understandably) reluctant to give her one more damn thing for free, I'd ask her to pay you back what you've spent on it so far, and/or remind her of the loan debt, but I wouldn't do a squatter thing with the domain.
posted by taz at 11:19 PM on January 12, 2011 [1 favorite]

Some amazingly convoluted suggestions here!

Hold onto the domain and ask for your owed money back. Best case, you get some money and you hand over the domain.

Worst case, she tells you to get lost, you let the domain expire and it gets picked up by a spammer.
posted by mr_silver at 11:05 AM on January 13, 2011 [1 favorite]