Relationships are hard.
January 12, 2011 8:43 AM Subscribe
Help me to voice my desire to break up with my boyfriend. (mostly-SFW details)
I'm trying to figure out how I can break up with my boyfriend without sounding like a complete ass. The reasons are explained below.
I've been dating someone for some time (less than a year). I thought I was ready for another relationship after getting away from my (occasionally abusive) husband of seven years (he kicked me out).
I sometimes feel I rushed into the relationship physically. I can say I haven't really found the sex all that satisfying or entertaining, he kisses like a dead fish, and he has always kept track of how long it's been since we slept together. He also considers our "anniversary" to be the first time we slept together, and it's bothered me.
After I expressed some discomfort with his frequent mentioning of how long it had been since we'd slept together, he moved on to asking what "activities" we'd like to do together (yes, with him using quotes) when I said I had some free time. I've been brushing off the blatantly subtle suggestions but they're getting really old, and I feel like I've already tried to explain that I don't like being guilted into sleeping with him (which my husband did) once.
Most of his affection is shown in what seems to me overly physical ways -- hugs turn into some sort of weird backrub thing where he uses his whole arm and it feels like he's swarming me. He never brushes a hand against me, it's always this semi-creepy grabby-hand gesture. He's never kissed me anywhere except on the mouth, not even my cheek; he just rubs my face with his.
I have not said "I love you". Neither has he. I'm frankly terrified of the phrase, after the way my husband used it to mean "I'm about to say something that will hurt you".
I actually do enjoy watching movies with him, except that I think he mostly shows up to try and get in my pants later that night. We play online games together but I think he only plays with me because we're "together".
I'd rather this not end badly. We're both part of the same small-scale social circle, so the whole dynamic would be thrown horribly out of whack were one of us to leave it, and while I'd rather not leave it, I just might.
I know I am NOT "feeling" this relationship. I've been saying for a long time that I wasn't sure the relationship was going to last, but that I was willing to let it ride as long as I enjoyed it. Unfortunately, I'm not that good at figuring out where that line is, and I believe I passed it some time ago.
Personal peeve of mine: He's bought me some stuff (around the holidays), insisting that I didn't need to pay him back because I was out of work a short while, but I don't like people buying me things and I feel like I should pay him back for it anyway. I haven't gotten him much of anything.
How should I word this desire without being a complete bitch? After the hell that was living with my husband, I'm not sure I'd recognize a bad relationship that didn't involve constant insults, guilt-tripping, and borderline rape; does it even qualify as a bad relationship? If so, should I even bother trying to be nice about it?
Passive-avoidance bonus: I'm thinking of moving out of state anyway, and have thought about just avoiding the situation until it comes to explaining that.
I'm trying to figure out how I can break up with my boyfriend without sounding like a complete ass. The reasons are explained below.
I've been dating someone for some time (less than a year). I thought I was ready for another relationship after getting away from my (occasionally abusive) husband of seven years (he kicked me out).
I sometimes feel I rushed into the relationship physically. I can say I haven't really found the sex all that satisfying or entertaining, he kisses like a dead fish, and he has always kept track of how long it's been since we slept together. He also considers our "anniversary" to be the first time we slept together, and it's bothered me.
After I expressed some discomfort with his frequent mentioning of how long it had been since we'd slept together, he moved on to asking what "activities" we'd like to do together (yes, with him using quotes) when I said I had some free time. I've been brushing off the blatantly subtle suggestions but they're getting really old, and I feel like I've already tried to explain that I don't like being guilted into sleeping with him (which my husband did) once.
Most of his affection is shown in what seems to me overly physical ways -- hugs turn into some sort of weird backrub thing where he uses his whole arm and it feels like he's swarming me. He never brushes a hand against me, it's always this semi-creepy grabby-hand gesture. He's never kissed me anywhere except on the mouth, not even my cheek; he just rubs my face with his.
I have not said "I love you". Neither has he. I'm frankly terrified of the phrase, after the way my husband used it to mean "I'm about to say something that will hurt you".
I actually do enjoy watching movies with him, except that I think he mostly shows up to try and get in my pants later that night. We play online games together but I think he only plays with me because we're "together".
I'd rather this not end badly. We're both part of the same small-scale social circle, so the whole dynamic would be thrown horribly out of whack were one of us to leave it, and while I'd rather not leave it, I just might.
I know I am NOT "feeling" this relationship. I've been saying for a long time that I wasn't sure the relationship was going to last, but that I was willing to let it ride as long as I enjoyed it. Unfortunately, I'm not that good at figuring out where that line is, and I believe I passed it some time ago.
Personal peeve of mine: He's bought me some stuff (around the holidays), insisting that I didn't need to pay him back because I was out of work a short while, but I don't like people buying me things and I feel like I should pay him back for it anyway. I haven't gotten him much of anything.
How should I word this desire without being a complete bitch? After the hell that was living with my husband, I'm not sure I'd recognize a bad relationship that didn't involve constant insults, guilt-tripping, and borderline rape; does it even qualify as a bad relationship? If so, should I even bother trying to be nice about it?
Passive-avoidance bonus: I'm thinking of moving out of state anyway, and have thought about just avoiding the situation until it comes to explaining that.
Just hop on the bus, gus.
Make a new plan, stan.
Slip out the back, jack.
There must be 50 ways to leave your lover.
Don't over think it - just do it.
posted by Flood at 8:50 AM on January 12, 2011 [4 favorites]
Make a new plan, stan.
Slip out the back, jack.
There must be 50 ways to leave your lover.
Don't over think it - just do it.
posted by Flood at 8:50 AM on January 12, 2011 [4 favorites]
Everyone always quotes Miko's answer in situations like these, because she's right.
You don't need to justify your break reasons to him, only to yourself. You probably shouldn't list all the things that he did wrong, that's not helping anyone. If you can give him back stuff he gave you that might make things easier, but the fact is he gave you gifts knowing that the relationship wasn't necessarily permanent. That's not your responsibility.
Finally, he's going to end up being pissed off no matter how you do it. Be firm, gentle, and try not to be condescending. Then do him a favour and avoid contact with him for a couple months.
posted by auto-correct at 8:52 AM on January 12, 2011 [3 favorites]
You don't need to justify your break reasons to him, only to yourself. You probably shouldn't list all the things that he did wrong, that's not helping anyone. If you can give him back stuff he gave you that might make things easier, but the fact is he gave you gifts knowing that the relationship wasn't necessarily permanent. That's not your responsibility.
Finally, he's going to end up being pissed off no matter how you do it. Be firm, gentle, and try not to be condescending. Then do him a favour and avoid contact with him for a couple months.
posted by auto-correct at 8:52 AM on January 12, 2011 [3 favorites]
Yeah, it doesn't matter whether or not it's someone else's idea of a good relationship or not, you want out.
As is so oft-recommended, don't go into his faults, just follow the timeless Miko Break-Up advice.
posted by ldthomps at 8:54 AM on January 12, 2011
As is so oft-recommended, don't go into his faults, just follow the timeless Miko Break-Up advice.
posted by ldthomps at 8:54 AM on January 12, 2011
"I'm sorry, this isn't working for me and we need to break up."
He doesn't sound all that serious about you, so I suspect he'll just be a little miffed and stung and get over it pretty quickly. There's no need to worry or plot so much about this. He may be annoying and a bad fit for you, but he is not your ex-husband and you can be straight forward and honest with him like one adult to another rather than having to strategise to preserve your sanity and safety.
posted by orange swan at 8:54 AM on January 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
He doesn't sound all that serious about you, so I suspect he'll just be a little miffed and stung and get over it pretty quickly. There's no need to worry or plot so much about this. He may be annoying and a bad fit for you, but he is not your ex-husband and you can be straight forward and honest with him like one adult to another rather than having to strategise to preserve your sanity and safety.
posted by orange swan at 8:54 AM on January 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
It's not clear whether it's a "bad" relationship or not, but it seems very clear that you're not into it. It also seems clear that you're sticking around out of guilt or some other negative emotion.
You'll feel a million times better if you take action on your own behalf and end this thing. If you feel like you really have to apologize to him, then do it, but you have to be 100% committed to ending it, else you're going to end up in one hell of a humiliating and weird conversation. The closer you can get to simply saying "look, this isn't working for me, I'm not going to be seeing you anymore", the better.
Do you have close friends? If this is super-tough for you, you might consider "book-ending" it. Tell your friend in advance what you're going to do, and why, then on a day you've set with your friend, call her before you do it, then do it, then call your friend back and tell her you did it. Very helpful for carrying through with difficult actions.
posted by facetious at 8:55 AM on January 12, 2011 [5 favorites]
You'll feel a million times better if you take action on your own behalf and end this thing. If you feel like you really have to apologize to him, then do it, but you have to be 100% committed to ending it, else you're going to end up in one hell of a humiliating and weird conversation. The closer you can get to simply saying "look, this isn't working for me, I'm not going to be seeing you anymore", the better.
Do you have close friends? If this is super-tough for you, you might consider "book-ending" it. Tell your friend in advance what you're going to do, and why, then on a day you've set with your friend, call her before you do it, then do it, then call your friend back and tell her you did it. Very helpful for carrying through with difficult actions.
posted by facetious at 8:55 AM on January 12, 2011 [5 favorites]
Ugh, I'm sorry you feel stuck.
Just end the relationship. Maybe he'll want an explanation, maybe not. Even if he does, the only explanation you really need to give him is that you're just "not feeling" it and that you feel it's best if you both move along. If he gets bitchy about it, feel free to tell him that he's grabby and pokey and that his fish-kisses don't do it for you.
Then with the social circle thing, it's probably best to just say to mutual friends, "It didn't work out so I called things off" without trashing him or bad-mouthing him. Perhaps you can stay in touch casually and socially, but if he turns into a freak draw a great big boundary line until you move out of state.
posted by motsque at 8:57 AM on January 12, 2011
Just end the relationship. Maybe he'll want an explanation, maybe not. Even if he does, the only explanation you really need to give him is that you're just "not feeling" it and that you feel it's best if you both move along. If he gets bitchy about it, feel free to tell him that he's grabby and pokey and that his fish-kisses don't do it for you.
Then with the social circle thing, it's probably best to just say to mutual friends, "It didn't work out so I called things off" without trashing him or bad-mouthing him. Perhaps you can stay in touch casually and socially, but if he turns into a freak draw a great big boundary line until you move out of state.
posted by motsque at 8:57 AM on January 12, 2011
For what it's worth, when I broke up with my exfiance I was convinced that all our mutual friends were gonna hate me.
Turned out they congratulated me instead, told me he was a turkey butt but didn't want to say it to my face because they didn't want to hurt my feelings.
Don't worry about your mutual friends. Just break up respectfully, just say it wasn't working for you, and everyone will get over it. Do it TODAY.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 8:57 AM on January 12, 2011
Turned out they congratulated me instead, told me he was a turkey butt but didn't want to say it to my face because they didn't want to hurt my feelings.
Don't worry about your mutual friends. Just break up respectfully, just say it wasn't working for you, and everyone will get over it. Do it TODAY.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 8:57 AM on January 12, 2011
You're an adult. You don't ever have to be somewhere or with someone you don't want to be. If you're looking for permission to break up with him, you have it.
Really you don't ever need a reason to break up with someone. You do need a reason to stay with them. I don't see anything from anything you wrote here that indicates that you have any real reason to stay with him.
posted by inturnaround at 8:58 AM on January 12, 2011 [3 favorites]
Really you don't ever need a reason to break up with someone. You do need a reason to stay with them. I don't see anything from anything you wrote here that indicates that you have any real reason to stay with him.
posted by inturnaround at 8:58 AM on January 12, 2011 [3 favorites]
How should I word this desire without being a complete bitch?
If you're trying to avoid confrontation, how about something you wrote in this post: "I thought I was ready for another relationship after getting away from my (occasionally abusive) husband of seven years (he kicked me out)."
i.e. You're still dealing with that past relationship, need more time than you thought to process it and you need to be single to sort it all out. For extra effect, apologize and say you feel at though you rushed into things.
Passive-avoidance bonus: I'm thinking of moving out of state anyway, and have thought about just avoiding the situation until it comes to explaining that.
If you're not happy, you're not happy and that sucks. Why prolong that feeling? Shed the dead weight and set yourself free!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:59 AM on January 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
If you're trying to avoid confrontation, how about something you wrote in this post: "I thought I was ready for another relationship after getting away from my (occasionally abusive) husband of seven years (he kicked me out)."
i.e. You're still dealing with that past relationship, need more time than you thought to process it and you need to be single to sort it all out. For extra effect, apologize and say you feel at though you rushed into things.
Passive-avoidance bonus: I'm thinking of moving out of state anyway, and have thought about just avoiding the situation until it comes to explaining that.
If you're not happy, you're not happy and that sucks. Why prolong that feeling? Shed the dead weight and set yourself free!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:59 AM on January 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
Honestly, nothing you've mentioned here that he did seems all that terrible - it doesn't sound like you've really been clear and drawn boundaries he's not respecting. And the boundaries question is a little irrelevant, because no amount of boundary drawing will change the main problem: you just dont like him much.
The fact that he wants to sleep with you and touch you and buy you gifts is perfectly normal! The pertinent thing is that you aren't into him, so his attentions are annoying you and making you feel pressured. Which is totally fine! You are allowed not to like someone. Take ownership of your feelings instead of blaming him or "the relationship" and just say firmly to him: "I want to break up. This isn't working for me."
posted by yarly at 9:04 AM on January 12, 2011 [4 favorites]
The fact that he wants to sleep with you and touch you and buy you gifts is perfectly normal! The pertinent thing is that you aren't into him, so his attentions are annoying you and making you feel pressured. Which is totally fine! You are allowed not to like someone. Take ownership of your feelings instead of blaming him or "the relationship" and just say firmly to him: "I want to break up. This isn't working for me."
posted by yarly at 9:04 AM on January 12, 2011 [4 favorites]
If he laid off the sexual advances, would you then want to be with him? It sounds like not really. You just don't like him. It's not that he's doing anything objectively wrong, but he's irritating you and you're not feeling the relationship. There's nothing wrong with you either. You're just not into it.
Given that you really want it to be amicable, I would recommend breaking it off as nicely as possible, and the best advice I've ever seen for doing that is Miko's. The talking points laid out in that comment are kind of the polar opposite of your tone in this post. You sound soooo frustrated, which is understandable given that this dude is annoying the crap out of you, so I think going way in the opposite direction might be helpful in attempting to soften the blow.
Good luck -- breaking up sucks no matter what. :(
On preview, what others said!
posted by hansbrough at 9:04 AM on January 12, 2011
Given that you really want it to be amicable, I would recommend breaking it off as nicely as possible, and the best advice I've ever seen for doing that is Miko's. The talking points laid out in that comment are kind of the polar opposite of your tone in this post. You sound soooo frustrated, which is understandable given that this dude is annoying the crap out of you, so I think going way in the opposite direction might be helpful in attempting to soften the blow.
Good luck -- breaking up sucks no matter what. :(
On preview, what others said!
posted by hansbrough at 9:04 AM on January 12, 2011
Relationships ARE hard, and it's hard to break up with someone even when there's really no doubt that it's the right thing to do.
But the right thing to do is just to do it. You don't want to be in this relationship, it's not working for you, and you want out. When in doubt in this situation, I have reminded myself how gross I would feel knowing that someone was only with me because he couldn't get up the nerve to break up with me.
It's hard to bring it up, and this can be a good time for what a friend of mine calls the "shit sandwich" -- couch the bad news between some compliments: "You came into my life at a rough time and it's been so good for me to have this relationship, but it's really not working for where I am right now, and you're such a great person I don't want to drag you along while I figure my stuff out." (I don't mind some white lies like that if it'll make it easier to bring up the conversation.) If he protests that he doesn't mind being dragged along, then you can tell him that you really can't do the work you need to do while in a relationship with him.
Do it cleanly, clearly, and kindly. Relationships break up in friend circles, and the circles and friendships survive. Forthrightness helps with this a lot.
Good luck, and good for you!
posted by rosa at 9:06 AM on January 12, 2011
But the right thing to do is just to do it. You don't want to be in this relationship, it's not working for you, and you want out. When in doubt in this situation, I have reminded myself how gross I would feel knowing that someone was only with me because he couldn't get up the nerve to break up with me.
It's hard to bring it up, and this can be a good time for what a friend of mine calls the "shit sandwich" -- couch the bad news between some compliments: "You came into my life at a rough time and it's been so good for me to have this relationship, but it's really not working for where I am right now, and you're such a great person I don't want to drag you along while I figure my stuff out." (I don't mind some white lies like that if it'll make it easier to bring up the conversation.) If he protests that he doesn't mind being dragged along, then you can tell him that you really can't do the work you need to do while in a relationship with him.
Do it cleanly, clearly, and kindly. Relationships break up in friend circles, and the circles and friendships survive. Forthrightness helps with this a lot.
Good luck, and good for you!
posted by rosa at 9:06 AM on January 12, 2011
He honesly doesn't that bad; you guys are just on different wavelengths. Which is fine; that's usually why non-serious relationship end. You don't need to convince yourself or anyone else that he was a bad guy; you already know that this isn't working for you. You're not feeling it and you want to leave the area; that sounds like a pretty good explanation to me.
posted by spaltavian at 9:09 AM on January 12, 2011
posted by spaltavian at 9:09 AM on January 12, 2011
This is pretty simple. You're not having fun in the relationship anymore. Therefore, it's a bad relationship. End it.
You seem to know this, but you want to make extra sure you're not missing something. I don't think you are.
Gifts are free; you don't need to give them back or get him anything.
posted by John Cohen at 9:10 AM on January 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
You seem to know this, but you want to make extra sure you're not missing something. I don't think you are.
Gifts are free; you don't need to give them back or get him anything.
posted by John Cohen at 9:10 AM on January 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm not sure I'd recognize a bad relationship that didn't involve constant insults, guilt-tripping, and borderline rape; does it even qualify as a bad relationship? If so, should I even bother trying to be nice about it?
A bad relationship is any relationship that doesn't fulfill both of your needs. From your description, it's pretty obvious that you are in a bad relationship because you are not very into your partner and you don't seem to be compatible in a lot of ways. Note that this is different than dating a bad person, dating an asshole will generally end up creating a bad relationship but just because your partner isn't right for you doesn't mean that there's something wrong with him.
You should end the relationship as painlessly as possible because your partner because it's the right thing to do and will end up creating the least drama. That generally involves the sorts of things that Miko mentioned in the heavily favorited comment that has been linked above, such as reassuring them that they are a good person but that it's just not working out for you.
posted by burnmp3s at 9:14 AM on January 12, 2011
A bad relationship is any relationship that doesn't fulfill both of your needs. From your description, it's pretty obvious that you are in a bad relationship because you are not very into your partner and you don't seem to be compatible in a lot of ways. Note that this is different than dating a bad person, dating an asshole will generally end up creating a bad relationship but just because your partner isn't right for you doesn't mean that there's something wrong with him.
You should end the relationship as painlessly as possible because your partner because it's the right thing to do and will end up creating the least drama. That generally involves the sorts of things that Miko mentioned in the heavily favorited comment that has been linked above, such as reassuring them that they are a good person but that it's just not working out for you.
posted by burnmp3s at 9:14 AM on January 12, 2011
It's okay to break up with someone without being cognitively exactly clear about your reasons. As long as you aren't wishy-washy in your actual break up conversation with him, are clear that this just isn't working for you (which is all you really need to say), then you're fine. Maybe years or months down the road you will see the relationship and the need to end things with more clarity, maybe not. Either way, it sounds very certain that right now this doesn't feel right to you. Listen to and follow your own desire.
posted by tacoma1 at 9:21 AM on January 12, 2011
posted by tacoma1 at 9:21 AM on January 12, 2011
It doesn't have to be actively horribly bad before you have permission to break up. If it's "not good," as in not making you happy, excited to see him, want to be in a relationship and do relationshippy things with him, it's not working. And that's all you need to tell him. It may not surprise him -- your lack of enthusiasm may already be on his radar.
Another way to look at it is that if you care for him, it's kinder to break up with him if you don't want to be in a relationship with him than to string him along until you move out of state. Not waiting is also kinder to yourself -- you can spend that time you've gained sorting out what needs sorting in your own head rather than faking it until you leave.
posted by *s at 9:24 AM on January 12, 2011 [2 favorites]
Another way to look at it is that if you care for him, it's kinder to break up with him if you don't want to be in a relationship with him than to string him along until you move out of state. Not waiting is also kinder to yourself -- you can spend that time you've gained sorting out what needs sorting in your own head rather than faking it until you leave.
posted by *s at 9:24 AM on January 12, 2011 [2 favorites]
How should I word this desire without being a complete bitch?
all you need to justify it is that you're not feeling it. so the best non-bitchy way, i think, would be to break up without cataloguing his faults as you have done here, unless he wants to know. you don't need to list them--didn't even need to list them here--to defend your decision.
posted by fallacy of the beard at 9:25 AM on January 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
all you need to justify it is that you're not feeling it. so the best non-bitchy way, i think, would be to break up without cataloguing his faults as you have done here, unless he wants to know. you don't need to list them--didn't even need to list them here--to defend your decision.
posted by fallacy of the beard at 9:25 AM on January 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
You know, one day you'll be in a relationship with a guy and he'll touch you and tell you how much he loves sex with you and you'll feel wheeeeee! inside.
Give that future guy a chance and let dead fish guy go, ok?
If you feel guilty, think that He also deserves someone who'll loves his touch and his loving.
posted by Omnomnom at 9:29 AM on January 12, 2011 [4 favorites]
Give that future guy a chance and let dead fish guy go, ok?
If you feel guilty, think that He also deserves someone who'll loves his touch and his loving.
posted by Omnomnom at 9:29 AM on January 12, 2011 [4 favorites]
I've never understood this idea that you must justify leaving a relationship by painfully cataloging everything that's wrong with the other person. It's mean, and it turns a decision into a debate.
"I'm sorry, I do not want to be in this relationship anymore. I wish you well. Good bye."
posted by Lyn Never at 9:35 AM on January 12, 2011 [6 favorites]
"I'm sorry, I do not want to be in this relationship anymore. I wish you well. Good bye."
posted by Lyn Never at 9:35 AM on January 12, 2011 [6 favorites]
Everybody else has given great advice about how to do this and I'm going to give some more about why, and because it's harsh, it's the type you might not read very often.
If you're a decent person, which it sounds like you are, you never want to hurt someone you care (or have cared) about. However, actively breaking up with someone (rather than just letting things fizzle out or drag out until you move) allows you to take a definite action that affects the course of your life. And, even though it sounds awful, it can feel great once it's over. Not to project too much, but when I was in a similar situation (coming out of a (not as bad) long term relationship into more casual dating), I had the tendency to let things just die out and avoid having "the talk" once I was no longer interested. Not only does that fall into the category of "being cruel to be kind" but it also makes you feel like crap in the long run.
Take action and end it and trust me -- you'll feel better about yourself, stronger, and better prepared to deal with the great relationship you deserve when it comes along.
Good luck.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 9:37 AM on January 12, 2011
If you're a decent person, which it sounds like you are, you never want to hurt someone you care (or have cared) about. However, actively breaking up with someone (rather than just letting things fizzle out or drag out until you move) allows you to take a definite action that affects the course of your life. And, even though it sounds awful, it can feel great once it's over. Not to project too much, but when I was in a similar situation (coming out of a (not as bad) long term relationship into more casual dating), I had the tendency to let things just die out and avoid having "the talk" once I was no longer interested. Not only does that fall into the category of "being cruel to be kind" but it also makes you feel like crap in the long run.
Take action and end it and trust me -- you'll feel better about yourself, stronger, and better prepared to deal with the great relationship you deserve when it comes along.
Good luck.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 9:37 AM on January 12, 2011
I think you just need to tell him that you are not ready for another relationship right now, and you needed time to realize that for yourself because the breakup with your ex, and all the abuse, is still so fresh.
Which, by the way, sure seems true to me. Much of what this guy does that bothers you has to do with your personal space being violated in some way (you feel swarmed, you feel pressured to be physical, you don't like how he kisses or hugs you), and I think there's some natural fallout there from all the abuse you suffered at the hands of your ex. I get the feeling that you are very tentative about physical intimacy just now, and with good reason! You might want to talk to someone about that, though, to help you find your way through.
You do know that your abusive ex "kicking you out" was a blessing, right? And you know, it doesn't matter who ended it. You don't even have to tell anyone it was his idea. Feel free to tell everyone you kicked him to the curb, if you want. Right now, you should be feeling independent and empowered because that jerk is gone.
posted by misha at 9:56 AM on January 12, 2011 [4 favorites]
Which, by the way, sure seems true to me. Much of what this guy does that bothers you has to do with your personal space being violated in some way (you feel swarmed, you feel pressured to be physical, you don't like how he kisses or hugs you), and I think there's some natural fallout there from all the abuse you suffered at the hands of your ex. I get the feeling that you are very tentative about physical intimacy just now, and with good reason! You might want to talk to someone about that, though, to help you find your way through.
You do know that your abusive ex "kicking you out" was a blessing, right? And you know, it doesn't matter who ended it. You don't even have to tell anyone it was his idea. Feel free to tell everyone you kicked him to the curb, if you want. Right now, you should be feeling independent and empowered because that jerk is gone.
posted by misha at 9:56 AM on January 12, 2011 [4 favorites]
At the end of the day, if you're not happy in this relationship, and clearly you're not...then it's time to move on. I wouldn't say this is a "bad" relationship. By that it doesn't sound like there's any unhealthy behavior taking place here. You're just with someone that isn't clicking with you. So end this. Just know, I would bet this guy is not going to take it well. I don't think he'll be mad or angry, but he'll fight the break up because he's probably very much enjoying the relationship. Be a decent person and break up in private, face to face. Give him time to talk with you and get at least a little bit of closure. Once the break up talk is complete. It's best if you cut contact for at least a month...even more. So do what's best for you, but do it with a good heart.
posted by ljs30 at 10:01 AM on January 12, 2011
posted by ljs30 at 10:01 AM on January 12, 2011
I've never understood this idea that you must justify leaving a relationship by painfully cataloging everything that's wrong with the other person. It's mean, and it turns a decision into a debate.
Exactly. The conventional wisdom on this is completely backwards. You're choosing to exit the relationship because it doesn't work for you; telling him what you didn't like about him is irrelevant.
Umpteenth-ing Miko's Answer.
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:16 AM on January 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
Exactly. The conventional wisdom on this is completely backwards. You're choosing to exit the relationship because it doesn't work for you; telling him what you didn't like about him is irrelevant.
Umpteenth-ing Miko's Answer.
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:16 AM on January 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
You are "not happy" and you have realized you are "not ready" for a relationship. Don't bring up the sex stuff. Don't bring up the gift issue. You're not in love and you've been in it less than a year. You don't have to explain how you feel or give justifications even if he wants them (and he might not). If he asks why you're not happy you say something like "I can feel that this relationship isn't growing for me and doesn't have a real future." Half an hour to forty-five minutes later you're free!
Oh hmm, yeah, what was the other thing... um, oh yeah
OH MY GOD YES THIS QUALIFIES AS A BAD RELATIONSHIP.
Listen, yeah most people are going to want sex in their relationships, yeah, whatever, but you might consider weeding out the more egregious dipshits by making going very, very slow physically an explicit precondition of dating based very reasonably on your recent history and dumping forthwith any tool who can't abide by that. Presuming you are not dealing with teens or early twenties. A decent person with some fucking maturity will be able to deal with this, and indeed I would argue that it's frankly more fun (providing the physical continues to be going somewhere mutually happy).
And one should always insist that the (eventual) sex be routinely both "satisfying" and "entertaining."
posted by nanojath at 10:22 AM on January 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
Oh hmm, yeah, what was the other thing... um, oh yeah
OH MY GOD YES THIS QUALIFIES AS A BAD RELATIONSHIP.
Listen, yeah most people are going to want sex in their relationships, yeah, whatever, but you might consider weeding out the more egregious dipshits by making going very, very slow physically an explicit precondition of dating based very reasonably on your recent history and dumping forthwith any tool who can't abide by that. Presuming you are not dealing with teens or early twenties. A decent person with some fucking maturity will be able to deal with this, and indeed I would argue that it's frankly more fun (providing the physical continues to be going somewhere mutually happy).
And one should always insist that the (eventual) sex be routinely both "satisfying" and "entertaining."
posted by nanojath at 10:22 AM on January 12, 2011 [1 favorite]
How should I word this desire without being a complete bitch?
Repeat after me: the goal in a relationship is for both people to have a gratifying and loving relationship.
Is a relationship where his partner doesn't want to be with him what this guy would want? Spoiler: No.
Ending a dead relationship is a favor to all involved. That doesn't make it pleasant for the dumpee but it's a positive long-term action. You're focusing on the short-term discomfort for yourself and him. Stop.
You shouldn't be worried about sounding like an ass when you break it off, you should be worried about sounding that way afterwards. You avoid that by not getting bogged down in details or focusing on irrelevant things. Which when you have decided to end a relationship is pretty much everything because you've decided to end it.
Whether that's because he flosses in the car or wears too much plaid doesn't matter. You're not going to get back together with him so dwelling on his poor kissing is pointless. You say "we're just not right for each other and this relationship isn't going to go anywhere" and leave it at that. Don't bad-mouth anything about him to anyone in your circle no matter how truthworthy you think they are.
posted by phearlez at 10:36 AM on January 12, 2011 [2 favorites]
Repeat after me: the goal in a relationship is for both people to have a gratifying and loving relationship.
Is a relationship where his partner doesn't want to be with him what this guy would want? Spoiler: No.
Ending a dead relationship is a favor to all involved. That doesn't make it pleasant for the dumpee but it's a positive long-term action. You're focusing on the short-term discomfort for yourself and him. Stop.
You shouldn't be worried about sounding like an ass when you break it off, you should be worried about sounding that way afterwards. You avoid that by not getting bogged down in details or focusing on irrelevant things. Which when you have decided to end a relationship is pretty much everything because you've decided to end it.
Whether that's because he flosses in the car or wears too much plaid doesn't matter. You're not going to get back together with him so dwelling on his poor kissing is pointless. You say "we're just not right for each other and this relationship isn't going to go anywhere" and leave it at that. Don't bad-mouth anything about him to anyone in your circle no matter how truthworthy you think they are.
posted by phearlez at 10:36 AM on January 12, 2011 [2 favorites]
It takes two to tango. Have heart, you'll one day find yourself in a relationship that works for you. This one just isn't, and its neither your fault or his really. It's just not meant to be.
Be honest, straight forward, and carry on with your lives.
posted by samsara at 1:39 PM on January 12, 2011
Be honest, straight forward, and carry on with your lives.
posted by samsara at 1:39 PM on January 12, 2011
You don't like the guy; therefore it's a bad relationship.
Don't explain. "This isn't working for me. I'm sorry, but it's over."
And please don't stay in this relationship just because moving away eventually is a more convenient excuse. You'll still have to say something then, you'll deprive yourself of an opportunity for personal growth, and most importantly, staying in the relationship is very unfair to both of you.
posted by J. Wilson at 3:42 PM on January 12, 2011
Don't explain. "This isn't working for me. I'm sorry, but it's over."
And please don't stay in this relationship just because moving away eventually is a more convenient excuse. You'll still have to say something then, you'll deprive yourself of an opportunity for personal growth, and most importantly, staying in the relationship is very unfair to both of you.
posted by J. Wilson at 3:42 PM on January 12, 2011
I've never understood this idea that you must justify leaving a relationship by painfully cataloging everything that's wrong with the other person. It's mean, and it turns a decision into a debate.
I have a feeling that in this situation, the poster is perhaps not so trusting of her own ability to discern what is okay and what isn't, etc. (Is this an okay thing to feel uncomfortable about? Or is it just me being neurotic like my ex always said I was? — that sort of thing). If you are doubtful about your own instincts you are more likely to try to catalog things in the hope that they might make some sort of "objective" sense instead of relying on your possibly flawed perception.
I know that after I broke up with my ex, it took me a few years to regain any belief in my own ability to tell whether or not someone was honest/sincere, because I had been fooled for a long time — so I used a combination of mental listmaking, logical evaluation, and setting myself up to accept/not be blindsided by "the worst that could happen" in case my trust in someone did turn out to be misplaced again.
Follow the advice in this thread, Anon, and make a clean break as soon as possible; definitely don't wait until you move.
posted by taz at 12:41 AM on January 13, 2011
I have a feeling that in this situation, the poster is perhaps not so trusting of her own ability to discern what is okay and what isn't, etc. (Is this an okay thing to feel uncomfortable about? Or is it just me being neurotic like my ex always said I was? — that sort of thing). If you are doubtful about your own instincts you are more likely to try to catalog things in the hope that they might make some sort of "objective" sense instead of relying on your possibly flawed perception.
I know that after I broke up with my ex, it took me a few years to regain any belief in my own ability to tell whether or not someone was honest/sincere, because I had been fooled for a long time — so I used a combination of mental listmaking, logical evaluation, and setting myself up to accept/not be blindsided by "the worst that could happen" in case my trust in someone did turn out to be misplaced again.
Follow the advice in this thread, Anon, and make a clean break as soon as possible; definitely don't wait until you move.
posted by taz at 12:41 AM on January 13, 2011
« Older I suspect my thermostat is a dirty, no-good... | What to do / see during a business trip to Nizhny... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
I know you are having trouble processing how easy this can be because it obviously wasn't easy in your marriage, but you do not have a commitment to him, and he has shown himself to be creepy and... icky and not for you that does not (usually or necessarily) means he will be awful about breaking up. Yes, dealing with your social circle would be hard, but dating him is not making you happy.
Please just do this. Today, really. The longer you postpone it the harder it will be and the worse you will feel.
posted by brainmouse at 8:47 AM on January 12, 2011 [8 favorites]