Connecting with extended family you barely know
January 11, 2011 5:31 PM Subscribe
How do I connect with extended family members from whom my immediate family has been estranged? My immediate family has always been on acrimonious terms with my extended family on my dad's side. Now that I'm older I would like to get to know them better but I don't know how to go about doing this.
My dad's family has always involved a lot of complicated relationships, and when he married my mom and his family strongly disapproved things went even more sour. As a result I barely knew anything about his side of the family and spent very little time with them.
But now I'm an adult and I've learned I have a lot in common with them, far more than I've ever had with my immediate family or my mom's side. I would really like to get to know them before it's too late. Unfortunately that is already the case for my grandparents--my grandfather passed and my grandmother just passed this weekend. So it would be great to know my dad's siblings and my cousins at least, but how do I start? They barely know anything about me, I haven't seen or spoken with them for years, and their relationship with my parents is still difficult. I feel it would be tremendously awkward to sweep in and attempt to be a part of their lives now.
The only hope I have is that I know at one point they did have an interest in me. I learned after her passing my departed grandmother always had a great interest in me, but due to my parents was really never able to follow through. I also know at one point during my very difficult teenage years my aunt offered to my parents to take me in (they said no).
Has anyone had success with something like this? What did you do?
My dad's family has always involved a lot of complicated relationships, and when he married my mom and his family strongly disapproved things went even more sour. As a result I barely knew anything about his side of the family and spent very little time with them.
But now I'm an adult and I've learned I have a lot in common with them, far more than I've ever had with my immediate family or my mom's side. I would really like to get to know them before it's too late. Unfortunately that is already the case for my grandparents--my grandfather passed and my grandmother just passed this weekend. So it would be great to know my dad's siblings and my cousins at least, but how do I start? They barely know anything about me, I haven't seen or spoken with them for years, and their relationship with my parents is still difficult. I feel it would be tremendously awkward to sweep in and attempt to be a part of their lives now.
The only hope I have is that I know at one point they did have an interest in me. I learned after her passing my departed grandmother always had a great interest in me, but due to my parents was really never able to follow through. I also know at one point during my very difficult teenage years my aunt offered to my parents to take me in (they said no).
Has anyone had success with something like this? What did you do?
Facebook.
I've reconnected with cousins and relatives that I haven't talked to in decades.
posted by spinifex23 at 6:18 PM on January 11, 2011 [5 favorites]
I've reconnected with cousins and relatives that I haven't talked to in decades.
posted by spinifex23 at 6:18 PM on January 11, 2011 [5 favorites]
What's your relationship with your parents like?
I ask because what you are proposing may not be such a hot idea. But if you must, why don't you simply invite whoever it is you want to be closer with out for dinner or coffee periodically? Or ask them to visit a museum or go to a ball game from time-to-time? Keep it casual. I wouldn't go into any weird letters or explaining - just start inviting them to spend time with you and see what happens!
Be open to the fact that these people might not be what you imagine. Folks who have ganged up on your parents and disapproved of your mother might not be the most open-minded souls you've ever met. Reach out periodically, take it as it comes, and see what happens.
posted by jbenben at 6:20 PM on January 11, 2011
I ask because what you are proposing may not be such a hot idea. But if you must, why don't you simply invite whoever it is you want to be closer with out for dinner or coffee periodically? Or ask them to visit a museum or go to a ball game from time-to-time? Keep it casual. I wouldn't go into any weird letters or explaining - just start inviting them to spend time with you and see what happens!
Be open to the fact that these people might not be what you imagine. Folks who have ganged up on your parents and disapproved of your mother might not be the most open-minded souls you've ever met. Reach out periodically, take it as it comes, and see what happens.
posted by jbenben at 6:20 PM on January 11, 2011
A letter. My grandma has refused to speak to my mother for 27 years. I sent her a Christmas card and got an email back, and my aunt's new address, by Christmas day.
posted by SMPA at 6:22 PM on January 11, 2011
posted by SMPA at 6:22 PM on January 11, 2011
Response by poster: My relationship with my parents is wary at best, estranged at the worst. We talk but are not close, nor do I have any wish to be. I also don't interact with my mom's side of the family (though the rest of my immediate family does). My distance from my immediate family and family on my mom's side is part of the reason I'm anxious to connect with my dad's. However, it's also why I'm concerned about how to go about this (and questioning if I should).
I would rather not go the Facebook route, I try to not to friend any family on my profile.
posted by Anonymous at 6:45 PM on January 11, 2011
I would rather not go the Facebook route, I try to not to friend any family on my profile.
posted by Anonymous at 6:45 PM on January 11, 2011
My distance from my immediate family and family on my mom's side is part of the reason I'm anxious to connect with my dad's.I definitely think you should be a little bit careful about this. This may not work out. They may not be who you'd like them to be. I'm worried that you're going to get really emotionally invested in them and then get hurt.
But here's how I would get in touch. Send a condolence letter to the aunt who offered to take you in. Say that you were terribly sorry to hear about the death of your grandmother. Say that it makes you sad not to have met her and that her passing has made you realize that you don't want to miss out on knowing your dad's family. Say that if they would ever like to meet you, you'd be interested in meeting them. Tell them how to get in touch with you.
And then seriously manage your expectations. It sounds like these people did a pretty shitty thing to your father. They may not be the most functional or loving family in the world.
posted by craichead at 7:00 PM on January 11, 2011
Response by poster: For what it's worth, my dad's side of the family has as many issues on my mom's side. The people who have those issues happen to have more in common with me, which is why it would be nice to try connect with them.
Also, there is a lot more complexity to the "They didn't approve of my parents' marriage" than I'm getting into here. Let's just say there was dysfunction and disapproval on my mom's side as well. My family history on all sides is a giant hot mess that I've thus far tried to avoid. In my adulthood, now knowing a bit more about the interests of people, I thought it would be nice to have some sort of relationship or history with someone if it was possible to establish myself as an independent party from all the past bad blood.
posted by Anonymous at 7:15 PM on January 11, 2011
Also, there is a lot more complexity to the "They didn't approve of my parents' marriage" than I'm getting into here. Let's just say there was dysfunction and disapproval on my mom's side as well. My family history on all sides is a giant hot mess that I've thus far tried to avoid. In my adulthood, now knowing a bit more about the interests of people, I thought it would be nice to have some sort of relationship or history with someone if it was possible to establish myself as an independent party from all the past bad blood.
posted by Anonymous at 7:15 PM on January 11, 2011
I come from a similar situation.
I heard in passing from my mom that she vaguely remembered a very friendly and outgoing cousin of mine on my dad's side. I did a little bit of asking around and got his e-mail address. My first correspondence with my cousin (I was 20 at the time) was little more than "Hi, I'm Thewestinggame and my dad is your uncle. I recently realized that I don't know much about anyone on my dad's side of the family and thought I'd remedy that. I go to this college and study this and in my free time I like to do this. What are you like?"
He was excited to hear from me, as he thinks its strange how much my dad keeps away from his extended family. A couple months after starting to exchange e-mails, I went to stay at his house when I was passing through his city and have returned several times on social visits. My dad doesn't know and wouldn't approve. After getting to know my cousin, I see more of myself in him than in anyone that I know well on my mom's side.
posted by thewestinggame at 10:18 PM on January 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
I heard in passing from my mom that she vaguely remembered a very friendly and outgoing cousin of mine on my dad's side. I did a little bit of asking around and got his e-mail address. My first correspondence with my cousin (I was 20 at the time) was little more than "Hi, I'm Thewestinggame and my dad is your uncle. I recently realized that I don't know much about anyone on my dad's side of the family and thought I'd remedy that. I go to this college and study this and in my free time I like to do this. What are you like?"
He was excited to hear from me, as he thinks its strange how much my dad keeps away from his extended family. A couple months after starting to exchange e-mails, I went to stay at his house when I was passing through his city and have returned several times on social visits. My dad doesn't know and wouldn't approve. After getting to know my cousin, I see more of myself in him than in anyone that I know well on my mom's side.
posted by thewestinggame at 10:18 PM on January 11, 2011 [1 favorite]
I chuckle when reading descriptions of your family here because it reminds me so much of my own. As for my family, mother's side: volcanic hot mess you don't want to get near even with a fireproof suit on. Father's side: simmering hot mess, requires delicate handling, but you still get burned occasionally.
I've tried reaching out to some extended family on both sides. Just one second cousin (son of my maternal grandmother's brother) keeps in touch with me, but due to the aforementioned all-destroying volcanic mess, we just don't talk about the rest of the family. We don't really need to anyway, since we both managed to build our own independent lives. It's been great to get to know him, his wife is awesome and all three of us have loads in common.
The rest of the family, though... sigh. Be careful. Set boundaries, for yourself, I mean, in how you approach them at first and what you divulge. craichead's suggestions take that sort of thing into account. Even if/when you start feeling relaxed and comfortable, wait before getting too close; I'd say at least 6 months. I say this because surprises come up. For instance, I contacted a non-blood-related uncle who had divorced an aunt (my father's sister), after which said aunt spread rumors that he'd slept with teenagers, and so all of us kids were entirely forbidden from speaking to our former uncle. I never believed he'd slept with teens; it was totally unlike him (and there was never any legal action), plus the rumor fit quite well with my family's habit of going scorched earth on anyone they decided they didn't like, truth be blasted.
So. I contact this uncle, neutrally, saying I'd like to get in touch. All goes well at first. Then he tells me he's been getting back in touch with my father's side of the family. Y'know, the same people who would gleefully tell anyone and everyone that he'd committed statutorial rape. (I left all that without comment in my contact with him.) Here's the surprise part: at Christmas, he wrote me an email saying that my family were heartbroken that I never responded to their emails, and would I at all mind getting in touch with them again, because they'd be delighted to hear from me.
They never send me emails. Ever. At all. I, on the other hand, had tried sending them emails and never got replies. (Like I said, part of their policy is "truth be damned", especially when they know the truth reflects badly on them.) For the time being, he's chosen to believe people that he, himself, from his own experience, knows are futzed up. That's the kind of thing you might want to watch out for, if your family is similar. Futzed-up family dynamics only get more futzed up when the members refuse to deal with their problems like honest adults.
posted by fraula at 3:42 AM on January 12, 2011
I've tried reaching out to some extended family on both sides. Just one second cousin (son of my maternal grandmother's brother) keeps in touch with me, but due to the aforementioned all-destroying volcanic mess, we just don't talk about the rest of the family. We don't really need to anyway, since we both managed to build our own independent lives. It's been great to get to know him, his wife is awesome and all three of us have loads in common.
The rest of the family, though... sigh. Be careful. Set boundaries, for yourself, I mean, in how you approach them at first and what you divulge. craichead's suggestions take that sort of thing into account. Even if/when you start feeling relaxed and comfortable, wait before getting too close; I'd say at least 6 months. I say this because surprises come up. For instance, I contacted a non-blood-related uncle who had divorced an aunt (my father's sister), after which said aunt spread rumors that he'd slept with teenagers, and so all of us kids were entirely forbidden from speaking to our former uncle. I never believed he'd slept with teens; it was totally unlike him (and there was never any legal action), plus the rumor fit quite well with my family's habit of going scorched earth on anyone they decided they didn't like, truth be blasted.
So. I contact this uncle, neutrally, saying I'd like to get in touch. All goes well at first. Then he tells me he's been getting back in touch with my father's side of the family. Y'know, the same people who would gleefully tell anyone and everyone that he'd committed statutorial rape. (I left all that without comment in my contact with him.) Here's the surprise part: at Christmas, he wrote me an email saying that my family were heartbroken that I never responded to their emails, and would I at all mind getting in touch with them again, because they'd be delighted to hear from me.
They never send me emails. Ever. At all. I, on the other hand, had tried sending them emails and never got replies. (Like I said, part of their policy is "truth be damned", especially when they know the truth reflects badly on them.) For the time being, he's chosen to believe people that he, himself, from his own experience, knows are futzed up. That's the kind of thing you might want to watch out for, if your family is similar. Futzed-up family dynamics only get more futzed up when the members refuse to deal with their problems like honest adults.
posted by fraula at 3:42 AM on January 12, 2011
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posted by xingcat at 5:33 PM on January 11, 2011