And no, unavailable is not code for married...
January 11, 2011 9:05 AM Subscribe
I've realized that I can only relax and be myself around men I'm attracted to if I believe they are unavailable. How do I break through this mental barrier so I can relax with men who are available?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (11 answers total) 13 users marked this as a favorite
I've never had a lot of luck attracting men I liked. Emphasis on men I'm attracted to and not men in general. As a result, I don't have a ton of relationship experience, but I have had a couple of relationships. I've realized that the overwhelming theme in my successful romantic ventures was that I believed that the guy was unavailable or totally inappropriate for dating when I was getting to know them, and most importantly when they started liking me back! Some examples:
I initially thought an ex of mine was much older than he actually was (I was much younger then and age differences matter less to me now, but still matter somewhat)
Thought a couple guys were in relationships
Guy was close friend of a relative and I thought it would be way too messy (got over this, but had zero intentions of dating him when I initially got to know him)
Guy lives too far away (this one has happened more than once)
I realize I am a bit of a shy person and I have problems with anxiety, but I obviously have no problem getting to know a guy, flirt, and be myself when I don't view him as a romantic prospect. I realize I should just try and pretend that no guy I've just met is a romantic prospect, but those kinds of mind games never work for me, as I clearly know I'm attracted to the guy.
The other thing is I've become friends with many of these available guys I've liked in the past, so it's not like I'm doing anything bizarre. For a long time I just felt that most of the guys I was attracted to were out of my league, so to speak, but looking back I realize many if these guys ended up with girls very similar to me and many of the guys I have dated were far more conventionally attractive than any of these guy that barely gave me a second look.
I have a very dry/dark sense of humor and a pretty odd background and interests. I think I might downplay this with guys I'm attracted to because I know my slightly unusual personality doesn't appeal to everyone. Of course, I feel like I do this a bit with all new people I meet until I'm sure it won't scare them off or offend them and that hasn't prevented me from making friends.
So how do I pinpoint what I'm doing wrong? And how do I get past whatever I'm doing so I can me my normal charming, flirty, offbeat self?
Fwiw I'm a late 20s straight female.