...she left something behind
January 7, 2011 6:13 PM   Subscribe

My subletter left behind her vibrator when she moved to a nearby city, what do I do?

I just moved back into my house, after spending four months away. There are four of us in the house, all of us are 25-31, two males and two females. While I was away, I subleased my place to an acquaintance of mine from school. She has since moved to a nearby city, but will be moving back in a few months. When I was unpacking my stuff, I noticed that she left behind her vibrator. We don't know each other well, but we do socialize sometimes and have mutual friends.

I'm a guy, so it's hard for me to anticipate what she would want me to do here. I'm leaning towards mailing it, but that seems like a weird thing to do. This solution also raises the bad possibility of her boyfriend opening it or being then when she opens it and getting the wrong idea. But it seems unnecessary to throw it out (she might be really fond of it!), and awkward to just never mention it to her, since she will presumably notice that it's missing and guess where it is. So ladies, what would you want me to do about this? Try to return it? Never mention it again? Other ideas?
posted by the thing about it to Human Relations (63 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite

 
Throw it in the trash dude! I can't believe you're even considering anything else. And never speak of it again to anyone.
posted by fshgrl at 6:16 PM on January 7, 2011 [45 favorites]


Don't mail it. Throw it away. Never mention it.
posted by amicamentis at 6:17 PM on January 7, 2011 [6 favorites]


Don't try to return it and never mention it. Just leave it alone until she gets back. This would be my preference if it were me. If she notices it's missing she'll probably realize where it is.
posted by Lobster Garden at 6:17 PM on January 7, 2011 [1 favorite]


It's best to treat it as not a big deal - I'd send it along. If at all possible, I'd find something else she'd left behind, too, and put that in with it, so it was "things you forgot" rather than "your vibrator".

The other good option would be to set it aside for her to pick up when she moves back.
posted by ldthomps at 6:17 PM on January 7, 2011 [3 favorites]


I wouldn't throw it away either. Some vibrators can be really expensive. If she wants to she can throw it away herself when she gets back.
posted by Lobster Garden at 6:18 PM on January 7, 2011 [4 favorites]


Is this a discount-store cheapie or a $90 job?
posted by kmennie at 6:19 PM on January 7, 2011


Email her, saying, "You left something… personal here. Do you want it?" Give her a week to respond, then throw it the hell out.
posted by Etrigan at 6:20 PM on January 7, 2011 [4 favorites]


Throw it away. Ew. There is just no way that returning it would not be horrendously embarrassing for everyone, but especially her.
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:21 PM on January 7, 2011 [2 favorites]


You don't throw away someone's property because it might be embarrassing. I mean, good gravy, generally we've all gotten laid before.

Email her, tell her she left her very personal item, and does she want you to mail it to her or does she want to come pick it up in a little while.
posted by Medieval Maven at 6:26 PM on January 7, 2011 [23 favorites]


That fact that her vibrator ended up amongst your stuff suggests that she left it in a shared area of the house. Which, in turn, suggests that maybe she's not the sort of person who is embarrassed about owning a vibrator. If that's the case, you should return it, as you would with any other personal property. Don't post it, though. Wrap it discreetly, put it aside, and when she gets back, tell her you think she may have left a "personal item" at your place. If she plays dumb, drop the subject, throw away the vibrator and never mention it again.
posted by embrangled at 6:27 PM on January 7, 2011


If she were as attached to it as I am to mine, she'd've already emailed you about it, but maybe she's also shy about it.

If it's a cheap vibrator, I might just toss it, but ... as a woman who really, really loves her (now discontinued) vibrator, I'd be really, really sad to lose it out of carelessness on my part. Did she leave anything else? If so, the vibrator can be part of a "here's what's left behind!" package, with no special mention. If she didn't, I second Etrigan's suggestion of emailing her to find out what she wants you to do.
posted by rosa at 6:31 PM on January 7, 2011 [4 favorites]


If it was in a spot where it is not obvious that you would find it (in a closet, for example) put it back where you found it and let her claim her B.O.B with dignity when she moves back in. If it was left in a very obvious spot, just throw it out. In either case, don't say a word.
posted by brownrd at 6:35 PM on January 7, 2011


Question: did she leave this vibrator like, all alone in your room with nothing else around it or did you find it amongst other personal belongings of hers? If you found it in a box with other things that she is expecting to return to, it is none of your business if she'll miss it or not and you should put it back.
posted by amicamentis at 6:36 PM on January 7, 2011


Toss it. If she asks, then you say "What vibrator?"
posted by thorny at 6:37 PM on January 7, 2011 [2 favorites]


I vote mail it. I'd be pissed off if someone threw out something of mine.
posted by auto-correct at 6:38 PM on January 7, 2011 [3 favorites]


You said she's coming back in a few months? Just put it back where you found it. She'll "rediscover it" if she wants it, if she doesn't, toss it.
posted by iconomy at 6:43 PM on January 7, 2011 [3 favorites]


It really depends upon where you found it. Was it (as someone mentioned above) in a box with other things, tucked away somewhere? If so, "ignore" it, leave it where you found it. She'll find it when she returns. If it was wide out in the open - throw it away. For that matter, if it was wide out in the open, there's no way of knowing if it belonged to her. Abandoned? Toss. Not your problem.
posted by marimeko at 6:49 PM on January 7, 2011 [2 favorites]


Either mail it or hold onto it so she can claim it later.

If she's anything like me, she leaves BoB on the bed, under a pillow, where it's comfortably 'out of sight, out of mind' until needed... erm... desired. If I left BoB somewhere and discovered it'd been tossed out, I'd be sad.

Presumably, you're both adults. Email her, ask her if she'd like you to mail or hold onto any personal items she left behind. Vibrators and other sex-related items are 'embarrassing' only if you let them be. Even so, don't let this become a joke amongst your circle of mutual friends.
posted by LOLAttorney2009 at 6:52 PM on January 7, 2011 [1 favorite]


Go to Blowfish.com and identify it - If it's under $20, throw it out. Over, hold onto it until she has an opportunity to ask about it, then throw it out.
posted by Orb2069 at 6:55 PM on January 7, 2011 [6 favorites]


Embarrassment is temporary.
posted by amtho at 7:00 PM on January 7, 2011 [1 favorite]


Do you have a mutual female friend? Have her contact the subletter and ask what she would like done with her personal effects, so to speak.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 7:04 PM on January 7, 2011 [1 favorite]


Nah. You should just throw it out. It'll be awkward for both of you if you return it. It'll continue to be awkward for her the first few times she uses it after getting it back. If she hasn't asked about it yet, she's not going to. If she *does*, tell her the truth. You threw it away - completely understandable - and offer to reimburse her for it. I don't get the impression she's moving back into this house when she comes back to town, so leaving it where it was is just drawing out the awkward.
posted by katillathehun at 7:05 PM on January 7, 2011 [1 favorite]


It really depends on her.

If I left a toy out and a friend found it, I would be pleased as punch if they emailed me about it.
My boyfriend once has a toy fall out his bag while going through airport security and now cringes at the very utterance of the words "toy" or "airport".

We are two very different people in that regard and a good answer would have to take her personality into account.
posted by munchingzombie at 7:07 PM on January 7, 2011


Seconding St. Alia's suggestion -- since there are two women living in your house, maybe you could ask one of them to contact your friend under the pretext that they found it.
posted by ambulatorybird at 7:13 PM on January 7, 2011 [2 favorites]


Wait until she moves back, have one of your female roommates pass it to her then?
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:37 PM on January 7, 2011 [1 favorite]


Vibrators can be expensive. I second (third? fourth?) the idea of emailing her that she left a personal item and offer to mail it to her. I don't see why, as one user suggested, she would feel weird about using it after you returned it to her. Because someone else saw it? Anyway, I would be too relieved (and busy) to care that a someone else saw it.
posted by too bad you're not me at 7:38 PM on January 7, 2011


Man if someone threw out my $200 vibrator because they were "embarassed" about it I'd be pretty pissed. Granted, it looks like a piece of weird modern art, so your question would probably be "my roommate left her strange modern art with pulsating LEDs behind". (Though if it is one of those ones that doesn't look like a dick you could feign ignorance of what it is so she isn't as embarrassed.)
posted by NoraReed at 7:44 PM on January 7, 2011 [3 favorites]


Good grief. Just mail it.
posted by mmdei at 7:44 PM on January 7, 2011 [1 favorite]


If she had left a cell phone or a jacket or a stuffed animal, how would you handle it? If you're the kind of dick who'd just throw it away, then throw it away. I'd email her and say, "you left some things behind" (she'll know what you're talking about) "what do you want me to do?"

It's someone else's stuff. You don't throw away someone else's stuff. Everyone who's suggesting you do that has issues.
posted by phunniemee at 7:53 PM on January 7, 2011 [12 favorites]


It certainly depends on the relationship. I've told my story before...
posted by MrMoonPie at 8:05 PM on January 7, 2011 [1 favorite]


It's hard to tell, since people have widely varying comfort levels. She might be "all right, thanks dude!" She might be mortified and never able to look you in the eye again. She might be slightly embarrassed in a snicker-y way, and apologize profusely to you but laugh about the whole story over drinks with her friends.

It also depends on your level of embarrassment. Are you grossed out by its presence? Could you say the word "vibrator" to her with a straight face?

Asking one of the female roommates to act on your behalf might be your best route - since they lived with her for a while, they'll have a better idea of how to introduce the subject, and they don't have to let on that you're the one who found it.

Don't just throw it away though, whatever you do. Sex toys can be pricey and a challenge to replace, and it's likely she's very fond of hers.
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:09 PM on January 7, 2011


It's not a freaking murder weapon. Keep it for her. If she asks about it, great. If not, you can return it to her when she comes back. For those thinking that getting a third party involved because of their is somehow less "embarrassing", it's time to grow up.
posted by PareidoliaticBoy at 8:12 PM on January 7, 2011 [1 favorite]


Dropped the word "gender" in there. Which seems appropriate. The last thing you want to do is introduce even more parties to this.
posted by PareidoliaticBoy at 8:18 PM on January 7, 2011


PareidoliaticBoy, some of us like to hear our embarrassing things from the same gender. It doesn't mean we aren't grown up. It's just common courtesy for some of us.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 8:37 PM on January 7, 2011 [4 favorites]


I broke up on very bad terms with my last boyfriend and realized shortly after that I left my vibrator at his house. I didn't want to contact him to request that he return it to me because he was a major douchebag, but I was hoping/expecting that he would mail it back. It never happened. I still wonder what he's doing with that vibrator. Fortunately it wasn't my favorite one ;)

I vote for mail it back.
posted by Sal and Richard at 8:46 PM on January 7, 2011


Mail it back, or just let her know she left something behind.

Even if it's a $10 vibe, it could still be her favorite, no longer made, works just right vibe. It was an honest mistake to leave it, and there's every reason to attempt to unite owner and item.
posted by SNWidget at 9:05 PM on January 7, 2011


Oh, for pete's sake, it's a small appliance, not a used tampon. Toss it in a shoebox, tape it shut, and put her name on it for when she comes back.
posted by desuetude at 9:24 PM on January 7, 2011 [2 favorites]


He said she was sub-letting his room, so I don't think she's coming back to the same apartment. And I think what you do in this case depends completely on what she's like (it sounds like you're comfortable either way). Is she a very private person? Is she easily offended? Embarrassed? What's she like? Therein lies your answer.
posted by smokingmonkey at 9:24 PM on January 7, 2011


I'm not ashamed of going on my period, either, dude, but I don't want a man handing me back the tampon that fell out of my pocket. You don't have to be "religious" to feel that way.

Some things are PRIVATE. If that wasn't the case, this question would not have needed to be posted on the green in the first place.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 10:13 PM on January 7, 2011 [11 favorites]


Unless it's obviously an extremely expensive top of the line vibe, I'd toss it. Just like I'd toss any sub-$20 personal item left behind by someone who was previously living in my space who I had little/no ongoing relationship with. If she left it behind, there's a strong chance it wasn't that valuable to her.

Asking a female friend to bring it up seems icky to me, because it involves even more people in the situation. If I heard from a friend that someone else had found my vibrator, I'd assume I was the subject of gossip among my general social circle. Which, ew.

If you have reason to suspect that this vibrator is extremely valuable, or that it was a prized possession of hers for personal reasons, just chuck it in a bubble mailer and send it to her.
posted by Sara C. at 10:14 PM on January 7, 2011 [3 favorites]


If it were mine, I'd want you to throw it away and never mention it again. I'd have ickiness issues even using it again knowing that someone else even touched it. But, I'm sure there are some girls who'd be more amused/less embarrassed and wouldn't care about talking about such things with a random male acquaintance. However, I'm cheap and never spent more than $15 for such a contraption, so easy come.. easy go. Expensive ones shouldn't be thrown away, though. Really, it depends on where you found it, did she leave anything else behind that you could 'group' it with, and does it look to be a high-end model. Those three questions will lead you to your answer. Anyway, if you're unsure and you say she's moving back in a few months, couldn't you just like.. tuck it away until then (or, conversely, put it back where you found it)? Or would that be weirder? Like, would you be able to put it where you found it and would she be able to just kind of... naturally come upon it when she returns? By that, I mean 'find it'. Just naturally find it, okay?
posted by Mael Oui at 10:58 PM on January 7, 2011


WAIT! I have an idea! You don't really provide enough information to know if this is viable, but consider it. My understanding is.. she was staying in your room and that's where the vibrator was left behind? [note: I am offering this idea as a girl who would prefer to hear such bad news as 'you left your vibrator behind!' from someone I'd be more comfortable with.. and preferably from another girl] Okay, so you say there are other people staying in the house? Would it be at ALL possible that.. hypothetically, say.. one of your female housemates (or a female SO, even) could have found the vibe first based on where she left it? If so, could you return it to her in the name of a female housemate? Like, put it in a bubble mailer with a note saying 'found this' and just kind of lead her to believe it was found by someone not of a male persuasion? That's just less icky. To me, at least. Otherwise, there's no true answer to this because you don't know what she'd be un/comfortable with. Everyone's going to have different comfort levels..
posted by Mael Oui at 11:19 PM on January 7, 2011


phunniemee: "If she had left a cell phone or a jacket or a stuffed animal, how would you handle it? ... It's someone else's stuff. You don't throw away someone else's stuff. Everyone who's suggesting you do that has issues."

Most people also don't treat vibrators as having sentimental value (stuffed animal) or as containing sensitive or important information (cell phone). One could also - without having "issues" - reasonably assume that someone else's vibrator is accorded no such status.
posted by astrochimp at 11:21 PM on January 7, 2011


It really depends what kind of person she is.

Personally, if it was me, I'd like an email from you. Like other girls have mentioned, a good vibrator can be hard to find. And it would be difficult for you to find out whether or not that particular vibe is important to her.

I can see how some girls would prefer to be approached by another girl about this, but personally I wouldn't want to involve yet another person.

I like someone's suggestion above of playing dumb and calling it modern art. Even if it's obvious to both of us that you're playing dumb, at least it tells me you're trying to be tactful/discreet about things.

Also agree with the other suggestion of trying to combine it with something else she's left behind.
posted by sockMuppet at 11:30 PM on January 7, 2011


Throw it away unless it's an expensive one (like a Hitachi magic wand or some such). If it's expensive then email her and ask if she'd like you to send her "back massager" to her. But if it's shaped like a penis, this won't work, and just throw it away.
posted by hazyjane at 12:42 AM on January 8, 2011


I would email but keep it vague and give her an easy out: "Hey, if you have no idea what I'm talking about, feel free to ignore this, but just in case—if you think you may have accidentally left something here when you moved out, please let me know. Thanks!"

Realistically, if it's really hers she's probably already realized she might have left it there, that you might have found it, and that under those circumstance you'd probably guess it was hers. And if that possibility embarrasses her, then she's already embarrassed. Giving her the chance to pretend she has no idea what you're talking about puts her back in control of the situation.
posted by Lazlo at 1:35 AM on January 8, 2011 [5 favorites]


Mael Oui, yes, but how doubly creepy would it be if ex-roommate called up current female roommate to thank her and she was all, "What? I didn't mail you a vibrator!"
posted by iamkimiam at 1:46 AM on January 8, 2011


She hasn't contacted you or anyone in your household about it yet, it sounds. If it was that important to her to have her get over whatever level of stimuli creates a sensation of embarrassment for her, she'd have contacted someone in your home. I'd stow it until she comes back and forget about it until prompted.
posted by ZaneJ. at 2:31 AM on January 8, 2011 [1 favorite]


Seriously, people? Have some courtesy. Vibrators are fucking expensive.

Mail it, dude.
posted by InsanePenguin at 4:09 AM on January 8, 2011 [3 favorites]


What would you do if it were an MP3 player? Or a cheap digital watch? Therein lies your answer.

I would email her and let her know that she'd left a personal item behind, and ask her if she wants it returned. By wording it like that you can spare her feelings if she would rather not acknowledge the fact that she's left her vibrator behind! It's her property after all. It's not up to you to decide how much it might be worth to her.
posted by humpy at 6:13 AM on January 8, 2011 [1 favorite]


Toss it. I would have no compunction about it - it's not like any other piece of electronics! It's got bodily fluids on it, and I would not even be touching it at all, personally. You are under no obligation to handle people's bodily fluids.
posted by yarly at 7:45 AM on January 8, 2011


She probably left it on purpose.

Toss it. Then shower.
posted by darkgroove at 9:00 AM on January 8, 2011


I would treat it exactly like any other item left behind. Pretend it really is a personal massager or a statue of a mermaid (or if it really is shaped like a cock, whatever, a mini-washington monument..) and just put it in a box with her name on it.

Since she'll be back in a few months I wouldn't bother mailing it unless she asks for it, but if you think she might be too shy to ask, you could just ask generically, do you want me to mail anything I find that you left behind, or shall I just put stuff in a box in the closet?

I'd be nonchalant about it, no "you left something... personal" type descriptions, unless you think she's likely to find it funny or you want to tease her about it.
posted by mdn at 9:03 AM on January 8, 2011


Nine times out of ten, it's an electric razor but, every once and a while, it's a dildo. Of course, it's company policy never to imply ownership in the event of a dildo. We have to use the indefinate artical A dildo, never your dildo.

Maybe go with a "Hey so I found a dildo in the room and its not mine and nobody else has claimed it..."
posted by Redmond Cooper at 9:55 AM on January 8, 2011 [1 favorite]


I really think the "you left some stuff behind; if you want it back, I can either mail it or you can pick it up when you're back in town" tactic is your best bet. If you think she's likely to be embarrassed, don't be too specific as to the exact nature of the stuff -- she will probably know exactly what you are talking about. And for the love of God, please don't involve other people in your disclosure tactics! Then there will almost certainly be a "hilarious" new bit of gossip going around.

But I wouldn't just throw it away. Especially if it's an expensive vibrator. I would be mortified if I left a sex toy behind in a room that I was subletting from someone I didn't know very well, but I would also be unhappy if someone threw it away before I realized it was gone -- a decent vibrator or dildo can cost well over $100. And as for the "bodily fluids" issue, if someone left a nice set of silverware behind, you wouldn't just throw it away, right? And silverware generally has extensive contact with the filthiest, most germ-laden orifice in the human body. Yeah, there might be a bit of an ick factor if she didn't wash it since the last time she used it. If it really perturbs you, put on a pair of gloves before you put it in the box.

darkgroove's comment raises an interesting possibility, but I don't think it's super-likely that she left it there on purpose. Most people would not do that, and it's really unfair to assume that the 90% of people who were a bit absent-minded and forgot their vibrator are the 10% of people who use horribly misguided ways of signaling sexual interest.
posted by kataclysm at 11:24 AM on January 8, 2011 [3 favorites]


A vibrator is not the kind of thing you accidentally leave at the bus stop or on the counter at the post office (for most people, I assume). If she misses it, she'll know where it is.

Leave it for a month. If she hasn't collected it within that time, she either doesn't care, or is too embarrassed to pick it up, and has probably already acquired a replacement.

What you choose to do with it after that is up to you.
posted by Diag at 3:44 PM on January 8, 2011


Just reading this thread and the wide range of responses from "Yuk!" to "No big deal" tells you that it very much depends on the person. So, either you know her well enough to figure out what her reaction would be or you don't. If you don't, do nothing.
posted by AmbroseChapel at 5:53 PM on January 8, 2011


Send it to me! Send it to me!
posted by rougy at 7:51 PM on January 8, 2011 [3 favorites]


This solution also raises the bad possibility of her boyfriend opening it or being then when she opens it and getting the wrong idea.

I'm sure her boyfriend is a grown-up. He probably already knows she left it behind, because she's probably realised by now and felt embarrassed, and told him. Stick it in a box, with a note saying 'Not sure what you want me to do with this, but you left it behind, so...' and post it to her. It's just an appliance. Treat it as you would an electric toothbrush. (And most people clean theirs after use, so it won't be any more gross!)
posted by mippy at 4:14 AM on January 9, 2011


Ah. I wouldn't throw it away. Some vibrators are, as people have noted above, very expensive. Put it together with anything else she left and just say "here's some stuff of yours" and don't say a word unless she says something. Then shrug n' laugh it off. It'd be alright to look embarrassed, hah.
posted by DisreputableDog at 2:08 PM on January 9, 2011


Response by poster: Thanks for your thoughts, hive-mind. I have to say, I'm surprised by the number and force of the "ew!" reactions. Really, metafilter, it's just sex. Get over it. But.... since I don't know my subletter too well, I will play the odds and toss it. If people find this gross, people find this gross and I'm not going to substitute what I think someone's boundaries should be for what they probably are. For those of you who think it's a shame to toss it- I agree, but so it goes.

To answer some of the questions above: It's a little pocket-rocket, a probably cheap one that was left in my/her bedroom in a nook between the bed and the dresser. No big loss. As for bringing roommates into it, female or otherwise, I think that's a bad idea. The fewer people involved the better. As we've seen above, this kind of thing can cause a lot of shame/disgust.

orb2069 --> thanks for the idea. I did that and it helped make up my mind.

Doublehappy--> that's hilarious. I didn't mean for this to be the place to share, but I'm glad you did.

p.s. masturbation is ok. Stop beating yourself up about it, folks.
posted by the thing about it at 1:28 PM on January 13, 2011 [1 favorite]


I don't think many people think masturbation is not ok. What's not ok is becoming involved in someone else's masturbation practices without their permission. To me, returning a vibrator when it was left behind by accident qualifies as I do think a lot of people would feel their privacy had been violated, even though it was their own fault. All this over a cheap pocket rocket? Jeez. Glad you tossed it (tossed it - hah).
posted by hazyjane at 9:03 AM on January 14, 2011


off-topic, but I couldn't resist after doublehappy's story...

I have a similar airport story. It was shortly after 9/11 and TSA was inspecting all checked luggage by hand, at tables in front of the baggage check areas. The TSA agent opened my suitcase, saw the battery pack to my vibrator, asked what it was in a really suspicious/accusatory tone of voice, and began hauling it out before I could reply. He ended up in the entertaining position of holding an immense blue vaguely-phallic shape in the air, at which point he dropped it like he'd been electrocuted, hastily zipped my suitcase closed again without inspecting anything else, and mumbled "okay-you're-free-to-go-have-a-good-flight..."

posted by kataclysm at 9:28 AM on January 14, 2011 [2 favorites]


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