Creepy or somewhat normal?
January 5, 2011 3:24 PM Subscribe
Thoughts on adopting a young dog that is eerily similar to a recently deceased bff?
First: Obligatory picture of my deceased best friend.
She died back in May after 12 wonderful years with me. I'm finally ready to bring a new friend in my life and thanks to the accursed Petfinder website I think I found a contender.
Who happens to be the same mix and looks eerily similar to the other one.
My question is: Is it normal to look for a similar dog? Am I setting myself up heartbreak because I may end up constantly comparing the two? Has anyone been in similar situation--how did it go?
First: Obligatory picture of my deceased best friend.
She died back in May after 12 wonderful years with me. I'm finally ready to bring a new friend in my life and thanks to the accursed Petfinder website I think I found a contender.
Who happens to be the same mix and looks eerily similar to the other one.
My question is: Is it normal to look for a similar dog? Am I setting myself up heartbreak because I may end up constantly comparing the two? Has anyone been in similar situation--how did it go?
First: I'm so sorry for your loss.
My high school boyfriend had a wonderful giant poodle named Midnight. When Middy died, the bf's grieving parents waited a few months and ended up getting another giant poodle named Bishop.
The situation wasn't entirely disastrous, but it was pretty clear that Bishop was not at all like Middy. Nor, for that matter, did Bishop's new family resemble the family that Middy had joined years earlier. At that time, the two kids had been younger, so they had lots of time to play with the dog. Now, both kids were out of the house, and while the mom and dad soon had more time as retirees, they didn't necessarily plan to spend it in constant reassurance of a skittish, high-energy dog. I'm sure that part of their issue was also based on thinking, "Well, a poodle has been great for us, so that'd work again!" when the dog on which they based their assumptions was a fully grown, fully integrated Middy in his prime, not whatever kind of dog he had been when he first joined the family.
They loved Bishop, and he had a good life, but Middy was the dog of their heart. I'm sure Bishop could sense it.
So even if kids and/or a partner aren't part of your equation here, and even if your new dog is miraculously similar to your old one, YOU are different. Part of that difference includes your relationship with your old dog: wonderful, painful, all that.
I would not suggest it.
posted by Madamina at 3:35 PM on January 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
My high school boyfriend had a wonderful giant poodle named Midnight. When Middy died, the bf's grieving parents waited a few months and ended up getting another giant poodle named Bishop.
The situation wasn't entirely disastrous, but it was pretty clear that Bishop was not at all like Middy. Nor, for that matter, did Bishop's new family resemble the family that Middy had joined years earlier. At that time, the two kids had been younger, so they had lots of time to play with the dog. Now, both kids were out of the house, and while the mom and dad soon had more time as retirees, they didn't necessarily plan to spend it in constant reassurance of a skittish, high-energy dog. I'm sure that part of their issue was also based on thinking, "Well, a poodle has been great for us, so that'd work again!" when the dog on which they based their assumptions was a fully grown, fully integrated Middy in his prime, not whatever kind of dog he had been when he first joined the family.
They loved Bishop, and he had a good life, but Middy was the dog of their heart. I'm sure Bishop could sense it.
So even if kids and/or a partner aren't part of your equation here, and even if your new dog is miraculously similar to your old one, YOU are different. Part of that difference includes your relationship with your old dog: wonderful, painful, all that.
I would not suggest it.
posted by Madamina at 3:35 PM on January 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
But. ONLY if you can respect the new dog as its own lovely new personality and not the same as the old dog. If bff liked having her nose scratched, but new friend prefers under her chin, will that bother you?
I think you should get her if you think you have a connection with her. You can love two dogs who look alike, no reason why not.
posted by Night_owl at 3:37 PM on January 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
I think you should get her if you think you have a connection with her. You can love two dogs who look alike, no reason why not.
posted by Night_owl at 3:37 PM on January 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
It is normal and understandable, but not necessarily advisable in every case. I say this because this happened to me. I had the greatest dog in the world for me -- one of those eerily empathic perfect companions. He was a very unique looking scruffy terrier mix (found as a stray) so I thought any dog that looked a lot like him might be of a similar (albeit mysterious) mix. Years after he died I saw a dog that strongly resembled him, advertised from a shelter. I felt I *had* to adopt this lookalike dog. Well, of course I love all my pets, but this new dog is so dominant, wild, and has such a radically different spirit than my previous calm, empathic dog that I can barely see the physical resemblance any more. The new dog doesn't know how to be in a room quietly with me, and often has to be put in another room when guests with kids come over because she is so much in everyone's face. She's adorable and often a lot of fun, but so overbearing that it makes my relationship with her a really different kind of experience -- and honestly, a less happy one. In the future I would look for a dog that resembled my first one in temperment, not in looks.
Of course, I know many people go for the same breed, sequentially. I felt I was doing something similar to that but with a mutt. However, I don't think the two dogs necessarily even shared ancestor breeds any more.
Good luck though, YMMV!
posted by keener_sounds at 3:39 PM on January 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
Of course, I know many people go for the same breed, sequentially. I felt I was doing something similar to that but with a mutt. However, I don't think the two dogs necessarily even shared ancestor breeds any more.
Good luck though, YMMV!
posted by keener_sounds at 3:39 PM on January 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
When my beloved Maine Coon left after 16.5 years, his Siamese sister took to her pillow and mourned. For months. The vet advised another cat, not as a friend, but as a "point of interest." The ex went to the humane society with strict instructions. Female, sedate, 2 years or older, preferably black. He came out with Brave Sir Nigel, aged 9 months, dead ringer for the Coon. "How could I leave him there?" They are similar in personality. But he in no way replaced the first.
The Siamese died at 22. Finding myself in Thailand, and with Brave Sir Nigel lonely, I bought Lily. She looks a lot like the first Siamese. But that's where the similarity ends. Their personalities could not be more different. For one thing, the first Siamese was smart.
tl;dr: think of the new dog as a TRIBUTE, not as a replacement. May you have many happy years together.
posted by cyndigo at 3:40 PM on January 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
The Siamese died at 22. Finding myself in Thailand, and with Brave Sir Nigel lonely, I bought Lily. She looks a lot like the first Siamese. But that's where the similarity ends. Their personalities could not be more different. For one thing, the first Siamese was smart.
tl;dr: think of the new dog as a TRIBUTE, not as a replacement. May you have many happy years together.
posted by cyndigo at 3:40 PM on January 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
I don't mean to make light of your situation, but there was a very similar question about a cat that I commented in last year that you might find useful. My take is that it's perfectly fine to get a new companion that reminds you of your late one, so long as you are aware that they are different and that you can be OK with that.
I'm sorry for your loss.
posted by misozaki at 3:48 PM on January 5, 2011
I'm sorry for your loss.
posted by misozaki at 3:48 PM on January 5, 2011
Response by poster: Wow, thanks for the link to your post misozaki--clearly my search-fu failed...I was surprised that I wasn't finding a previously asked.
So far everyone's posts have been very helpful in getting me through my decision paralysis. Thanks!
posted by Zoyashka at 3:51 PM on January 5, 2011
So far everyone's posts have been very helpful in getting me through my decision paralysis. Thanks!
posted by Zoyashka at 3:51 PM on January 5, 2011
Response by poster: Also we have strangely similar writing styles misozaki.
posted by Zoyashka at 3:53 PM on January 5, 2011
posted by Zoyashka at 3:53 PM on January 5, 2011
Response by poster: Er, ok. over-posting. Nevermind misozaki--just realized my mistake......
posted by Zoyashka at 3:54 PM on January 5, 2011
posted by Zoyashka at 3:54 PM on January 5, 2011
I did it. The new dog turned out to be completely different that the original. I don't mind a wit. The differences in their personalities made me appreciate both of their unique qualities.
posted by itsamonkeytree at 3:54 PM on January 5, 2011
posted by itsamonkeytree at 3:54 PM on January 5, 2011
You know, I wouldn't. You might well want to get the same general breed (lab mix?) but frankly it is hard on an animal to have to live up to a wonderful memory like yours. And I think it will be easier for you to love and make a new bond with a dog that doesn't run the risk of disappointing you by not being your BFF returned.
I am so sorry, too, for your loss. I still grieve for my darling Rott/Border Collie/mystery dog and my own yellow lab mix who each died a few years ago. Luckily my utterly different current dog (see my profile picture) brings lots of joy to our lives now.
posted by bearwife at 5:42 PM on January 5, 2011
I am so sorry, too, for your loss. I still grieve for my darling Rott/Border Collie/mystery dog and my own yellow lab mix who each died a few years ago. Luckily my utterly different current dog (see my profile picture) brings lots of joy to our lives now.
posted by bearwife at 5:42 PM on January 5, 2011
I agree with everyone else that you should look at personality first. When Pooh died, my husband was pretty devastated (she was the dog that made him a dog person). When we felt we were ready for another dog, we got Bean, another Cocker Spaniel. Bean is nothing like Pooh was. My husband had a really hard time bonding with Bean and even now (3 years later), she's more my dog than his. Luckily for all of us, when we got Cake (a year after Bean), he was mentally prepared for a dog that was different in personality, and we are all living happily ever after.
Except Kitty Mama, who still doesn't understand what we see in the dogs.
posted by dogmom at 6:31 PM on January 5, 2011
Except Kitty Mama, who still doesn't understand what we see in the dogs.
posted by dogmom at 6:31 PM on January 5, 2011
I'm an orange tabby addict. I have two right now. My first ever cat was an orange tabby.
I choose them because I like the temperament of the breed. They have all been different but I find that they are dependably good-natured, playful and cuddly. My current boy cat looks a lot like my first ever cat sometimes - different personality but I do like to be reminded of my first boy every once in a while. It's nice.
If you feel prepared to deal with the differences between the new dog and your former pup, I think you'll be fine.
posted by amycup at 11:04 PM on January 5, 2011
I choose them because I like the temperament of the breed. They have all been different but I find that they are dependably good-natured, playful and cuddly. My current boy cat looks a lot like my first ever cat sometimes - different personality but I do like to be reminded of my first boy every once in a while. It's nice.
If you feel prepared to deal with the differences between the new dog and your former pup, I think you'll be fine.
posted by amycup at 11:04 PM on January 5, 2011
Some dog owners have a favorite breed, and get animal after animal of the same physical type--my sister and her family, for example, are into rotties, and are on their 3rd now. They've been able to love each one greatly and uniquely. As long as the candidate dog is, to the best of your discernment, a good match for your lifestyle, I'd say go for it. Especially since I've been told that black dogs are much harder to adopt out--as a black dog aficionado, you're doing a double kindness.
But also, pay attention to keener_sounds' experience, and do your best to get a fix on the dog's personality before committing to adoption. Some difference in personality is healthy, but I've found it can be a bit of a challenge to transition between dogs at the opposite end of the temperament scale.
posted by SomeTrickPony at 4:27 AM on January 6, 2011
But also, pay attention to keener_sounds' experience, and do your best to get a fix on the dog's personality before committing to adoption. Some difference in personality is healthy, but I've found it can be a bit of a challenge to transition between dogs at the opposite end of the temperament scale.
posted by SomeTrickPony at 4:27 AM on January 6, 2011
I'm surprised people do this! My first dog lived to be 17, and it took me years to get over him. Just seeing a dog that looked like him would sometimes cause me to get teary. I also had dreams about him all the time.
I wanted to get another dog right away, but being in college at the time I knew it was probably a bad idea, so I waited until I had graduated and gotten a job (so, about 3-4 years later I think.) I think it's MUCH better that I waited. Because I felt like I had mourned the first dog for long enough, the second one felt not like a replacement for him, but just an affirmation of "I like having a dog in my life and I am ready for a new chapter in my dog-loving life." And because of that, I picked a dog that was completely different. Female instead of male, and a completely different breed (well they are both mutts, but they are very different mixes.) And I love it! I thought I knew everything about dog behavior, but really, I only knew about that one breed's behavior. Getting to know my new dog and discovering all her crazy and breed related quirks has been really fun for me. Her personality is totally different, but since I was expecting it, it's been fun rather than disappointing.
Not to say your lookalike dog is a BAD idea. I guess what I'm getting at is, since all dogs really do have different personalities, it might be harder to deal with if the dog LOOKS like your old one because you'll be comparing them all the time. And that's a lot for the new dog to live up to.
posted by GastrocNemesis at 12:32 PM on January 6, 2011
I wanted to get another dog right away, but being in college at the time I knew it was probably a bad idea, so I waited until I had graduated and gotten a job (so, about 3-4 years later I think.) I think it's MUCH better that I waited. Because I felt like I had mourned the first dog for long enough, the second one felt not like a replacement for him, but just an affirmation of "I like having a dog in my life and I am ready for a new chapter in my dog-loving life." And because of that, I picked a dog that was completely different. Female instead of male, and a completely different breed (well they are both mutts, but they are very different mixes.) And I love it! I thought I knew everything about dog behavior, but really, I only knew about that one breed's behavior. Getting to know my new dog and discovering all her crazy and breed related quirks has been really fun for me. Her personality is totally different, but since I was expecting it, it's been fun rather than disappointing.
Not to say your lookalike dog is a BAD idea. I guess what I'm getting at is, since all dogs really do have different personalities, it might be harder to deal with if the dog LOOKS like your old one because you'll be comparing them all the time. And that's a lot for the new dog to live up to.
posted by GastrocNemesis at 12:32 PM on January 6, 2011
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posted by supercoollady at 3:28 PM on January 5, 2011 [1 favorite]