Family doesn't understand why we would get married.
January 3, 2011 9:21 PM   Subscribe

Help me mitigate the effects of my family's lack of enthusiasm for our engagement.

SO and I got engaged over the holidays. This wasn't unexpected; we'd talked about it before, and both of our families knew this would be happening soon. My family loves him, and vice-versa. I'm thrilled, and we have a great life together. So what's the problem?

My family comes from a tradition where people rarely get married anymore (Quebec). Common-law relationships are much more frequent (at least within my family's circle of acquaintances). My parents weren't married, neither were any of my six aunts and uncles, few of my childhood friends and cousins have gotten married. Basically, the reaction, as I told everyone over the holidays, was "Why on Earth would you do that?".

SO comes from a typical anglo-Canadian family, where couples often get married after a few years of dating. His family is thrilled with the idea of us getting married.

I sort-of expected this reaction from my family, but I'm still hurt. My SO understands, but he is also disappointed. This is our choice, we have our own reasons for getting married. So why is this still painful? Is there anything I can do to encourage my family to take part in the general buzz? We're planning a small engagement party for our families and friends, and I'm afraid no one on my side will show up. Ditto for the wedding. How can I deal with this?
posted by OLechat to Human Relations (5 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
I understand that your family's initial reaction was disappointing but based on what you wrote, you are jumping to conclusions (catastrophizing) to assume that just because they don't get why you want to get married that they would refuse to participate.

The only reason I could see them pulling back is if there is a subtext here of implied criticism of their choices not to marry. In that case, you just want to be clear that there is no criticism implied and that their love and support is important to you.

Otherwise, if your family likes your SO, why would they turn down a good party?
posted by metahawk at 9:32 PM on January 3, 2011 [3 favorites]


Best answer: It's painful because your family doesn't understand your choice. It would be awesome if the important people in our lives understood all our important decisions, but life doesn't work that way.

Invite them. They might not understand your urge to marry, but they can still support you. If they refuse to attend, it doesn't make your choice to marry less valid or important.
posted by 26.2 at 10:03 PM on January 3, 2011 [3 favorites]


"... How can I deal with this?"
posted by OLechat to human relations

How well does your family know/understand your intended? How well does he know/understand them? If you love them, they're probably willing to at least take on faith that a man you love is a decent guy. But there is no substitute for turning him loose, in all his glory, at the height of his love for you, on your family.

Good people never send a new puppy into the cold, without dang good reasons...
posted by paulsc at 1:09 AM on January 4, 2011


Best answer: I know a lot of mixed francophone-anglophone/allophone marriages, where the francophone family thought going through with an actual marriage was weird because no one does that anymore, but they all participated in it just the same, because it was their family member, because it's a party, because supporting a marriage is not bad. If you want to explain your reasons, or some reasons -- because it's easier to deal with if you travel or live outside of Quebec and need to worry about visas or insurance, because it means a lot to your SO, the Guy Laliberte/Lola case, whatever -- that might help your family realise it's not about rejecting their traditions.
posted by jeather at 4:55 AM on January 4, 2011


Best answer: jeather hit the point I was going to make. We don't even have common-law marriage in Quebec, after all, although the Lola case may change that.

Far more people complain on ask.mefi about family members (especially mothers or mothers-in-law) getting TOO involved in their wedding plans and tending to want to hijack the whole event, so in a way, you're lucky. You can hold the party you want and invite the people you like!
posted by zadcat at 3:02 PM on January 4, 2011


« Older Less expensive Smartwool alternative?   |   Dropbox-like service allowing public folder index... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.