I'm freaking out, the operative word being freak

January 3, 2011 7:45 AM

I am a woman. I enjoy anal sex. This makes me feel like a freak.

Ok, so- I lost my virginity four years ago. For the first two and a half years I was with the same guy, and I didn't really feel like I could explore my sexuality with him. I was too timid to ask for anything, he was too apt to take suggestions as criticism in bed, whatever. I didn't realize any of this at the time, I just felt vaguely unfulfilled. It was ok but not great. I never had an orgasm while we were dating.

So now it's a year and a half later and I have been experimenting- mostly on my own, along with a few very unsatisfying one-night stands. I have been learning a whole lot about my sexuality, which as it turns out is kinkier than I expected. I have been watching and reading porn and masturbating a lot, which I didn't do before. And I have figured out how to have an orgasm! Great right?

Well, except one of the things I found out is that I like anal sex. Like, a lot. As in, I use some kind of anal stimulation almost every time I masturbate, and 90% of the time when I have an orgasm there is anal involved. If I read or watch porn, chances are there's something anal going on. I fantasize about it. If asked to choose only one out of anal or vaginal sex for the rest of my life, I would actually have a hard time choosing. I have NEVER heard of this level of anal sex fixation before on a girl.

I have never told this to a guy, and only a couple of my friends know (and they are both way kinkier than I am).

I am mortified that if I tell a guy about this, he will think it's gross. I have this idea that guys see anal sex as a thing girls do 'for guys,' and that actually LIKING it would peg me as a freak or a slut or something. Most girls I know are all "ewww I would never" when the topic comes up in conversation, and I just sit there silently wishing I had a more mainstream kink.

I am not one to talk a lot about my sex life with people I'm not gonna be having sex with- to me, my sexuality is pretty private. For this reason, I have no interest in joining the kink community, even though they'd probably be more accepting. What I want is just a normal guy who just happens to be totally cool with, like, butt plugs and whatnot, but I'm worried he doesn't exist.

I guess I just need reassurance that people like me exist outside of crazy pornos, and that men won't think it's gross or skanky. Also, even if it is 'normal,' I have no idea how to broach the subject with a guy. Even typing this up was mortifying- how am I ever going to tell a guy about this? I wish I had someone I could talk to about this.

posted by anonymous to Grab Bag (41 answers total)

Most men I know are even more turned on knowing you're turned on. In other words, only a serious jerk would have a problem with you enjoying anal sex.
posted by Evangeline at 7:49 AM on January 3, 2011 [13 favorites]

You are a lot of dude's dream girl.

More power to you.

Plus, kinks change and stuff. So I wouldn't obsess over it. You'll probably end up liking something even freakier and nastier in like a years time. Haha.
posted by wtfomghilol at 7:53 AM on January 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

1. You're not a freak.

2. Most guys will dig it.
posted by elsietheeel at 7:55 AM on January 3, 2011 [5 favorites]

You're not a freak. Seriously. Not even a little bit.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 7:56 AM on January 3, 2011 [2 favorites]

I'm sure you could find guys who think it's gross, but I suspect you'll find the pool of guys who don't is quite large.

Queer woman here, fwiw, not super-into anal and I think an anomaly among my female friends for that reason, based on past discussions.
posted by treblemaker at 7:57 AM on January 3, 2011

Anal is really not that out there. Not at all. And, as with any kink, if you're not meeting people in the kink community in the first place, you've just got to take it slow and introduce it gently with a new lover. But this isn't the 1950s. I doubt there's a guy out there who would be an otherwise good match for you but would not be willing to learn to enjoy this with you.
posted by 256 at 8:01 AM on January 3, 2011

I know tons and tons of guys who, as mentioned above, would think you a dream come true--because they do in fact realize for many ladies it is sort of something they just do to go along with their bf's wishes, and wish they could find a partner who actually really dug it. Yes, there are some guys out there who are squeamish about all things butt, but there are tons who are not. Just like with any sex thing or kink or whatever. Trial and error dating-wise, that's all. Don't sweat it. And keep enjoying yourself.
posted by ifjuly at 8:05 AM on January 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

You are totally not a freak. Seriously. Liking anal stimulation is not that weird (seriously!). There are definitely dudes out there that would be into you and giving you the things you want in bed. If a guy freaks out or makes you feel weird or ashamed for what you like, he's not worth your time.
posted by radioaction at 8:08 AM on January 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

You are not a freak.
posted by Silvertree at 8:08 AM on January 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

You would be surprised at what people might accommodate, even if it isn't "their thing." I used to date a woman who, after I made one of my odd jokes about a situation, was inexplicably sexually aroused, to the point of frenzy, by just the notion of locking me in a car trunk for a couple of minutes. I shrugged, stretched, and ...

Needless to say, that smell of new car and jumper cables still does a certain Pavlovian something for me.
posted by adipocere at 8:09 AM on January 3, 2011 [9 favorites]

I came in to say the same thing Eyebrows McGee did about the Slate story. And anecdatally, it doesn't seem at all out of the ordinary for most of the women I know. You're not only not alone, you're likely to find a partner who is Thrilled to join you.
posted by ldthomps at 8:10 AM on January 3, 2011

Not only are you not a freak, but also the number of people who would consider you a freak for liking anal sex is shrinking. That isn't to say that there aren't still people who are hung up on the notion that anal is something inherently dirty, as you well know, but the trend is pretty clear. Your friends may be part of the group that have misconceptions of anal sex or haven't really explored it, or they may simply not like it--people are wired for sex differently.

For more information--a lot more information, including some of your options for exploring this side of your sexuality--I'd recommend The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women by Tristan Taormino, who's done workshops on this (and other sexual topics) for years.
posted by Deja Stu at 8:11 AM on January 3, 2011 [4 favorites]

"Most girls I know are all "ewww I would never" when the topic comes up in conversation and I just sit there silently wishing I had a more mainstream kink."

I honestly can't even think of a more mainstream kink than anal, as far as kinks go. And unfortunately a lot of women say one thing in conversation with other women and another thing in pillow talk with their partners. So I really wouldn't use that to gauge how "normal" you are. Trust me, I've had several friends admit it to me in confidence and laugh it off in groups.

Plenty of women love anal and even more men love it when we're upfront and candid about what turns us on. I might not broach the topic in a first encounter with someone you are interested in seeing long term, but the "have you ever x, y, z" convo should come up fairly early so I would be surprised if a guy was not at least enthused about trying it out with you.
posted by Juicy Avenger at 8:18 AM on January 3, 2011

I know several women who also fall into this category and they don't seem to be either ostracized by the mainstream or locked into some fetishy niche of weirdos who they can date.


(well ... at least not for that...)
posted by rmd1023 at 8:19 AM on January 3, 2011

You're totally totally totally normal. You'd be pleasantly surprised. (A lot of not-outwardly-kinky straight guys like anal stimulation, too.)

And most sexually healthy people are far more turned on by their partner really getting off on doing something than if they were doing it just to accommodate them.
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:23 AM on January 3, 2011

Seriously, this is not a big deal, there are PLENTY of guys who will be turned on by this and enjoy the fact that you're into it.

Even typing this up was mortifying- how am I ever going to tell a guy about this? I wish I had someone I could talk to about this.

There's a group of Mefites who formed a group over at FetLife, an online community for those interested in various forms of kinky things. You don't have to say who you are on Metafilter, you can be anonymous as you like. It's probably a great place to talk about this stuff with similar minded people.

There's nothing to be mortified about it. This is something that you enjoy and it's perfectly fine to be into this or whatever as long as it doesn't hurt another person and it between consenting adults.

Any guy who gives you grief about this should be dropped like a rock.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:39 AM on January 3, 2011

What everyone else said, plus - honestly, you're new at this. Your current level of thrill with anal stimulation might stay as high as it is (or get higher) or the thrill may settle down.

For a lot of people into anal it's the taboo nature of it that contributes to the thrill. Which there's nothing wrong with, but as you accept this aspect of your sexuality - and start incorporating into sex with a partner - it'll necessarily become at least a bit less exotic and more pedestrian.

Either way, chill. Human sexuality is a big, varied thing. The only thing you need to stress about is making sure you allow yourself to need what you need and don't let someone push you into an unsatisfying relationship because of their biases.
posted by phearlez at 8:42 AM on January 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

So... anal sex doesn't really get you admission into the kink community. I mean, us kinky folk definitely fuck some asses. But, most of us don't even really consider it a kink, per se. It'd be like considering a blowjob "kinky".

So, I'm very sorry to inform you that you're quite vanilla. Which is what you seem to want to be, so congratulations.
posted by Netzapper at 8:47 AM on January 3, 2011 [15 favorites]

Don't sweat it so much, even if you were a total freak (you're not) then so what? Anal sex doesn't make you a bad person and there are far, far kinkier folks out there (the people who get off watching things get squished leap to mind or the foot fetishists).

Most guys find the idea of anal sex incredibly hot (some, clearly, do not though). I'm one of them.

Do what's right for you and don't let your perceived mores and norms of the world make you feel guilty for feeling good (can you see the irony?).

Explore, enjoy, cum!
posted by fenriq at 8:50 AM on January 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

You are very very very VERY normal. Most of the women I know enjoy the hell out of anal. And I can state pretty emphatically that every man whom I've ever had the pleasure of knowing in the biblical sense would think you were the awesomest thing that ever awesomed.

And if it makes you feel any better - in case you were worried about the "ew, it's a butt" or "ew, that area is associated with poop" or "ew, Freud" stuff - the nerves and blood vessels in that area are SO densely-packed and SO intertwined and SO not-fully-understood-by-science that liking it in the ass doesn't have to say ANYTHING about your psyche. You're dealing with a few dozen square inches packed with more nerves and blood and mystery than almost anywhere else on your body. It ain't at all surprising or weird that one PARTICULAR patch of nerves gets your motor running more than another.
posted by julthumbscrew at 8:54 AM on January 3, 2011

I have never told this to a guy, and only a couple of my friends know (and they are both way kinkier than I am).

I suspect that, along this journey, you will be compelled to get more comfortable talking about sex! It's hard, actually. But it's necessary.

And when you do talk to people about sex more, you will find out how completely not a freak you are! I hear from a lot of my women friends on this topic (they always ask the gay guy, obviously). You are not alone and I hope this is just a first step in making yourself feel not alone.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 9:04 AM on January 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

Seconding the recommendation of Tristan Taormino's work, both print and video. Lucky you, to have discovered something you dig and that you find fun! Enjoy. There are lots of guys who will be delighted to enjoy with you.

(My Largely Mythological Husband is an un-fan of anal, alas.)
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:06 AM on January 3, 2011

When we have fears like this, we are usually catastrophizing. Some dudes aren't going to be into it. Other dudes are. There are enough fish in the sea that you'll find the right combo if you look. Get out there! Also bring it up relatively early in the whole thing.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:15 AM on January 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

newsflash: men love freaks
posted by 3mendo at 9:44 AM on January 3, 2011 [2 favorites]

Not only will I Nth that you're not a freak and that guys will dig this... you wouldn't even be a freak in the land of lesbians. Well, at least not in my world. LOTS of women enjoy anal sex. LOTS.
posted by FlamingBore at 9:53 AM on January 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

I've heard that women with tilted uterus can find anal more satisfying. It could be a physical thing with you.
posted by TooFewShoes at 10:03 AM on January 3, 2011

Have you seen this map?
posted by leigh1 at 10:08 AM on January 3, 2011

Sex should be about doing what turns you on, and what turns your partner on. It should not be about guilt and worry.

If you're worrying that men will be grossed out by the fact that you enjoy anal sex, err, you can probably stop worrying. Trust me on this.

And if you're worried that some men will think you're a slut for enjoying anal sex you should probably consider that men who judge you that way are not worth knowing.
posted by Decani at 10:16 AM on January 3, 2011

My ex and I went through a couple of years where all we had was anal sex, and she quite enjoyed it. My last girlfriend really was wild about it, too--I think she had had it a couple times before me, but she got really into it with me. She could have multiple orgasms pretty much all night long and I have a lot of staying power, so every sex session with her was first a lot of vaginal sex, and then a lot of anal sex. I don't think she ever really got comfortable with the idea that she liked it so much, but damn, she liked it so much.

So you're not some kind of weirdo, just a sexy freak who knows what she likes. Which is, as a guy, the most awesome thing.
posted by myaskme at 10:29 AM on January 3, 2011 [1 favorite]

And if you're worried that some men will think you're a slut for enjoying anal sex you should probably consider that men who judge you that way are not worth knowing.

Amen to this. Think of it as a douchefilter.

Also, filtering out the guys who get off on anal sex because the fun part for them is to make women do something they don't enjoy. ::retrospective shudders::
posted by Sidhedevil at 10:36 AM on January 3, 2011 [4 favorites]

About half the women I've been with enjoyed anal sex, though more than a couple were shy about admitting that at first. Still some kind of stigma, I guess. Often the topic would only come up after months of acquired comfort-level. I'm not one to push (not that important to me either way, really.)

Anecdote only, but my sense is that you're nowhere near unusual, here.

Also, I note that many men enjoy pornography, and I suspect this strongly influences (or at least reflects) their own desires. Now, if you have seen much porn in the last decade you will probably agree that it's difficult to find any that doesn't feature anal sex, at least a little. So it's much less 'exotic' than it once was.

So based on that and a few other factors (the apparently-rising popularity of Texas virginity among young Christians, for example), we're probably nearing that point in our society where a sexual relationship without any anal sex will be the unusual kind.

So... relax and enjoy. Literally.
posted by rokusan at 10:37 AM on January 3, 2011

When I still consumed mainstream pornography, it was entirely focused on anal. I have many toys that are exclusively made to go in my ass. Frankly, anal sex makes me come. Really hard. Multiple times.

I will nth Ms. Taormino's work. She is the reason that I learned to embrace my love of ass play. Her books are super informative and her movies are mad hot.

Also, I am going to suggest that perhaps the reason you are both so turned on by anal and feel weird about doing it is because you haven't had the chance to do any exploring. There is a chance once you experiance it, it will merely become something you enjoy in your sex life, rather than something that you are so intensely focused on.
posted by godshomemovies at 10:50 AM on January 3, 2011

I think you should spend some time googling some of those things people tell you to never google.

You'll feel downright conservative.
posted by amycup at 11:25 AM on January 3, 2011

The girl I've been seeing recently "came out" to me about how much she enjoys anal sex and ass play, and while I was mildly surprised and I had never originally thought I would be into it, we now have crazy hot sex all the time and feel quite a bit closer to each other by virtue of the trust involved.

The point I'm trying to make is, like so many have suggested so far in this thread, you should never be ashamed of your own kinks, and sharing a kink with your partner can take your relationship to a whole new level of awesomeness.

Merry Assfucking!
posted by sarastro at 1:50 PM on January 3, 2011 [3 favorites]

The range of sexual enjoyment boggles the mind. Maybe there are guys who don't like it, haven't tried, are too conservative, etc. Try to respect his needs as much as you expect him to respect yours. You can tell him, in bed, that you like anal play, and ask him what he likes. If he is in any way rude or disrespectful, other than nervous (which might be indicated by uneasy laughter), he's not a keeper.
posted by theora55 at 1:51 PM on January 3, 2011

I'm 37, female, and only lost my anal virginity a couple of years ago. I wish I had discovered it earlier. Bring on the butt secks!
posted by Sal and Richard at 1:59 PM on January 3, 2011 [2 favorites]

Yes, don't worry about it. I'm 40 and have an anecdotal sample of only one--that's how conservative my sex life is--but this is nothing to be stressed about.

Which is not to say it's easy, telling your partner what you want. It could take years; depending on your personality and his, that might not be a bad thing.
posted by torticat at 3:21 PM on January 3, 2011

Most girls I know are all "ewww I would never" when the topic comes up in conversation....

....and that is PRECISELY why many guys are going to be way excited when they hear you like it. Because, think about it a second -- a lot of guys want to try it. But they then go to all those other girls who are saying "eww, I'd never." So they don't get to try it. and then...they come to you. And not only will you let them do it, you like it, so they get to do it more than once. Can you see how it may be that guys may like that?

And this is so not a freakish thing. If you ever come to the realization that you can only get off while listening to the sound of a guy dressed up like a little Dutch Boy scouring your tub, then we'll talk "freakish".
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:28 PM on January 3, 2011

Every guy I have had sex with has brought up anal sex in a *wink* hey, waddya say we, ya know *wink* kind of way without me prompting them in any way. I would say guys dig it and dig those who share their interest. I'm not sure how to bring it up with future lovers but, the more comfortable you are with it, the more natural it will become to propose a little whatwhatinthebutt. And you totally should. I thought that my enjoyment of a little rough sex was abnormal, something a normal woman would never want. Over time, I realized that my requests of fuck me harder were actually a bit of a turn on for my partner and it was totally fun and natural.
posted by Foam Pants at 12:43 AM on January 4, 2011 [1 favorite]

If you tell a guy you're into anal and from that he concludes you're a slut... you're better off without him.
Yes, there are guys that are not into anal and will not go there. But among them, the decent guys will not think less of you because you like it. Decent guys will understand that different strokes for different folks.

And to add to your anecdata, I am a girl and I LOVE anal sex. I am a late sexual bloomer. (First kiss at 25, never mind first sex!) I don't consider myself, nor the guys I have had anal with, part of the kink community. I don't think any of them ever thought me a slut, instead they were really happy to see how much anal turned me on. A lot of guys like anal. A lot of guys like turning a girl on.
posted by sockMuppet at 11:58 PM on January 7, 2011 [2 favorites]

As you can see, you're not a freak, nor are you alone. :)

Just make sure you're using enough lube during anal play. :)
Oh, and that any toys you use have a flared base.
posted by luckynerd at 10:20 PM on January 22, 2011