How can I move from hook-up or "one night stand" to a real relationship?
January 2, 2011 4:27 PM   Subscribe

How can I move from hook-up or "one night stand" to a real relationship? Is that possible? How would a "slut" get into a relationship? I am a 26 year old female who many might describe as promiscuous. I'm not embarrassed or ashamed of that, I'm having a lot of fun. But recently I now have a habit of sleeping with guys who I have a pretty big crush on, but the next morning they are always very "see you around!" If I invite them to hang out later they usually kindly decline. But honestly, I'd like to date them! I'd like to sleep with them again, and not just by accident because we happened to be at the same party. Is it possible to turn this sort of hook-up into more? Maybe nsfw inside.

Sorry if I'm writing this poorly, but I'm not used to writing out questions for help, and this topic is difficult for me to explain.

The last 3 people I slept with were guys who I was good acquaintances with and had huge huge crushes on. We got drinks and had an amazing time. The sex was fun and great. After sex and the next morning were filled with awesome conversation and jokes. It was enough to interest me more, and make me want to see the guy again. But then nothing. I invite them out, and they politely tell me they can't, or they're busy. I don't want to be pushy so I wait for them to contact me and hear nothing. We'll see each other around as much as we did before, maybe things are a little more friendly than before, but basically everything's exactly the same as it was if we hadn't slept together.

This kind of thing makes me feel pretty down on myself. Like they got the chance to get to know me better, and opted out. I also worry that these guys just assume that because I slept with them so quickly, I don't want a relationship. Or I'm not relationship material? I don't know.

I'm not sure if this information is important or not but I thought I'd include it to give a better picture. I have mostly guy friends. I play in a pretty popular punk band in the city I live in, so most people I'm around all the time are kids in other bands, which is probably 90% guys. Because of this I go to shows almost every night, and this is usually how I meet people. I rarely meet guys who aren't braindead or boring, so when I actually have a good time with someone that's pretty rare.

I know that the obvious advice here is that I shouldn't sleep with people so quickly. So I should hang out, kiss, make out a little, then suddenly get up and say "sorry I'm gonna go home". Will that really make them think about me and want to meet up with me later? Is it possible to turn this sort of hook-up into more? How? Do I wait 2 days, then invite them to get drinks? Do I wait till we see eachother again? I feel like maybe the problem is that I've been relationship-less for so long, while being promiscuous, so I actually have no idea how to pursue people or date.

Again, I'm sorry if this question is so scattered. It's my first question on here and I'm nervous. It's anonymous because I have some close family who read this and it's a little much for them!

throw away email: doilooklikeaslut.uhhuh@gmail.com

thanks so much!
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (44 answers total) 18 users marked this as a favorite

 
Look, it is possible to sleep with someone the first night and have it turn into a relationship but generally, most people will assume it's a one night stand because when people are interested in something more, they take their time. So... Take your time. Get to know them and let them get to know you. Sex might then become more meaningful for both of you and once both if you have gotten to know each other, the men hopefully will want to stick around. I know it sounds very 1950s but it seems to work.
posted by Jubey at 4:36 PM on January 2, 2011 [4 favorites]


The guys you are sleeping with probably aren't interested in a relationship with you not because you aren't awesome but because they aren't looking for a relationship. Hence the one night stands. Not because they think you're a slut or 'undateable'. Try online dating or not getting your hopes up for a relationship from these encounters. If you want a relationship, I would suggest a lower-key date (drinks, food) rather than one night stands to winnow out the guys who want a relationship.
posted by amicamentis at 4:36 PM on January 2, 2011 [12 favorites]


(this answer is not meant to be rea din a judgmental tone)

Yes, sure it is possible, but the situation you are in might be your reputation preceding you. So guys you sleep with are not expecting, or wanting more... some of them may even see it as a relatively easy way to have sex without commitment (which believe it or not is many young guy's ideal situation). If you are seeking a LTR you might have to 1. start changing how people see you, or 2. seek the partner outside of the current circle of acquaintances, or 3 start making it known you want something other than one night flings.

Good luck.
posted by edgeways at 4:36 PM on January 2, 2011 [4 favorites]


Maybe when you meet these guys at these parties, instead of aiming to go home with them, you should make plans to hang out (or get contact info so that you can initiate plans at a better time, if that works for you). A dude who's all, "Happy hour next week? Nah..." is probably never going to want to be in a relationship with you.

A lot of people are willing to sleep with more people than they're willing to date. It doesn't really mean anything about your quality as a human being.

Though I will also say that if sleeping around makes you feel bad about yourself or lonely, or anything negative really, maybe you should stop doing it.
posted by Sara C. at 4:37 PM on January 2, 2011 [2 favorites]


Ugh, gigs. Replace "these guys at these parties" with "these guys at these gigs." I slightly misread the situation based on my sheer lack of an attention span. But my advice still stands.
posted by Sara C. at 4:39 PM on January 2, 2011


I think you just need to be truthful to them upfront and say "this is just sex" or "I'd like this to be more than just a one time thing". I disagree that the correct answer is that you shouldn't sleep with people so quickly, the best thing for your happiness, and love of life, is to do what makes you you and be true to yourself.
posted by zombieApoc at 4:41 PM on January 2, 2011 [9 favorites]


While I can't say that relationships have never began via a one night stand, I can say that you are handicapping yourself in this regard. There are (arbitrary! dumb! but still extant!) "rules" in long-term-expectant dating and many people choose to follow them and others choose to discard them and do whatever the hell they want.

The problem is that when you break the rules with someone who follows them, they'll automatically assume you're not even in the game. So you either have to change your methods, or just keep going until something clicks. Like I said, I have/had promiscuous ladyfriends who entered long-term relationships with dudes who were originally one-night-stands. I've had many more who did it by gritting their teeth and following the "rules." It's soul-destroying for some, but it works better and it's up to you to triage what you'll bear over what you want.

(Thumbs up for the Avenue D reference, btw.)
posted by griphus at 4:42 PM on January 2, 2011 [2 favorites]


Griphus said it much better than I did... There do seem to be rules, and some people don't seem to value that which they get easily which leads to game playing and 3 date rules etc. Dating can be hard, so if what you're doing isn't working, try something different. But don't beat yourself up, there is someone awesome out there for you!
posted by Jubey at 4:47 PM on January 2, 2011


It seems somewhat backward to be open enough to sleep with someone on the first night, but not open enough to say "hey I'm interested in seeing you more, like ... dating you." Why is that conversation a difficult one to have?

I don't see anything incompatible about sleeping with someone on the first night and dating them.
posted by jayder at 4:48 PM on January 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


Re the notion that you should wait longer, "three date rule", all that. I have never waited three dates to sleep with anyone. That said I don't have the best track record with relationships, so take that as you will.

Re the suggestion to date online - be careful with this. I find that people I meet online have even more "Relationship Or One Time Thing" baggage to wade through. In my world it's actually easier to pursue a leisurely thing with someone I meet through friends, because we're not starting with the assumption that because I am in your presence, therefore sex is eventually going to happen between us.
posted by Sara C. at 4:57 PM on January 2, 2011


I don't think there's anything wrong or impossible about dating someone whom you sleep with on the first date, but I would certainly make clear before this happens that you're interested in some kind of dating relationship. It's not stopping it at making out the first time you hang out; it's going on a proper date before you wind up back at one of your places making out.

I think this is similar to what Sara C. is suggesting, and it would be my approach.
posted by J. Wilson at 5:03 PM on January 2, 2011


You're trying to date 20 something guys in gigging bands, probably the least likely to commit group of people on the planet. I don't think its you! Maybe try dating some non-musicians and see how it works out.
posted by fshgrl at 5:03 PM on January 2, 2011 [22 favorites]


Tribal elder, here. I'm not so sure that "do what makes you you" is such terrific advice when you are as young as you sound. Early 20s? I mean, "you" is in process, you're figuring it out. So if you're feeling kind of icked out by the way things go the next day, repeatedly, change it up. Yes, it is entirely fine to make out, get hot, and then say, ya know, I'm putting the brakes on here, but I'd love to get to know you better and see what happens next time. May I just say, there is something to be said for the SLOW REVEAL. It can be part of your thing, waiting, waiting, waiting. It can be extremely sexy.
posted by thinkpiece at 5:03 PM on January 2, 2011 [7 favorites]


This is how quite a few of my relationships have started.

Stop calling yourself a slut even with quote marks, that's not helping anyone. If you're in a place that you want to be with someone you want to be in it with you don't have anything to feel bad about. If you're feeling guilty do something else, undercurrents of self loathing are more obvious than we like to think.

Tell the guy that you had a crush on him for a while before sleeping with him. That way he knows that your interested in him and he know's he's different. He knows what he's doing before he sleeps with you. If you he "opts out" after you know what he was after.

Let him know you want to see them again in the morning, if you do. Before he starts to get all weird in his own head.

The last thing is more problematic. If it's possible that he's had a crush on you and you've gone home with people when he's been around before he might be feeling kinda hurt by that. It's not your fault, but it's not his fault that he feels that way. If that's the case make the poor fucker wait, a while.
posted by metsauce at 5:08 PM on January 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


There's a lot of betwixt and between-ness about what you've written here. You say you're not ashamed of being sexually active as you are, and yet you use words like "promiscuous" and "slut", both of which have quantifiable "shame" associations in today's modern society (obnoxious teenagers who call each other slut affectionately notwithstanding).

I would say that the right person for you is not among the ones you've slept with so far, because none of those guys have sought you out after that one night together. There are definitely people out there for whom a one night stand can totally lead to a relationship eventually. The question is, what kind of person do you want to end up with if marriage is your end-game? Only you can answer that question. We all have our opinions, experiences, and viewpoints, each formed by our personalities and morals and whatever and what-have-you, but what your question seems to be asking is for us to place judgment on what it is that you do, and when it comes to sex, I don't think that's fair to anybody.

I think that before you jump into pursuing a relationship, or hell, even sleeping with someone new again, you should take some time to consider exactly what all of this dating and sex stuff means to you. YOU, not anyone else. What makes you happy? What are your absolute no's? What are you looking for in a partner? Then experiment with the way in which you connect with the next guy you meet. Maybe try something new, like some of the other posters have suggested. Maybe keep your normal routine and see what the guy does when you make a move to extend the encounter. Just do what you think is best, and don't judge yourself so harshly anymore. If what you're doing makes you happy, is safe for you emotionally and physically, and doesn't hurt anyone else in the process, why are you a slut? Why do you have to be labeled as promiscuous?
posted by patronuscharms at 5:11 PM on January 2, 2011 [2 favorites]


Just wanting to add: you don't have to feel that "taking it slow" is necessarily a gender thing. I (and other women I know) find men who like to take it slow to be very attractive for long term relationships. Guys willing to jump in the sack the first night might be fun for "that night", but it's a sign to me that they aren't in it for the long term.
posted by The ____ of Justice at 5:19 PM on January 2, 2011


i've slept with nearly all of my partners on the first date or as one night stands. i've been in multiple long relationships. these things can go together. but, yeah, when you have one night stands you will meet a lot of people who only want one night stands - even more so if you have a penchant for the local musician.

something i tried to keep in mind was setting my expectations - after getting my heart bruised a couple times i'd ask myself, "will i be hurt if this only happens once?" and "how many relationships have i seen this guy/gal have?" - if i've never seen them do anything but one night stands, it would be foolish of me to expect that i'm the princess who is going to change all that around. but if they're like me - lots of casual encounters and repeated trysts with friends and then settling down for long periods of time, then it wouldn't be crazy to think something more might happen.
posted by nadawi at 5:19 PM on January 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


I play in a pretty popular punk band in the city I live in, so most people I'm around all the time are kids in other bands, which is probably 90% guys.

That's your problem right there, you've established yourself as promiscuous (I'm not being judgmental) within a closed circle of roughly similar type guys, so that's probably all they're seeing you as what you've chosen to be at the moment: a fun lay. This may also be hindering any interest in you i.e. "hey, you'd hear, John's dating anonymous? Seriously, she's been with everyone, ewww!" That sucks and isn't fair to you, but it wouldn't be surprising if that was occurring.

So I should hang out, kiss, make out a little, then suddenly get up and say "sorry I'm gonna go home".

It's not an either/or choice. You can choose not to sleep with them AND make out a little AND just hang out. Try watching a movie, listening to music, play video games, play music together, board games, even cooking a meal together. You have to do something to signal that you're interested in something more than sex. I would you to hold from sex at all, just because it seems to have warped your perceptions about how to date. Take it slowly and relearn that stuff again.

Good luck!
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:23 PM on January 2, 2011 [2 favorites]


Instead of asking them if they'd like to meet for drinks- probably in some club full of people you both know- maybe you can suggest something else, like an afternoon at the art museum, the zoo, riding the Staten Island Ferry. ( I don't know what Avenue D reference someone else caught.) And maybe do this before you end up in bed with them.
posted by mareli at 5:25 PM on January 2, 2011


I'll keep it simple:

Asking someone out for drinks (or, my favorite, to come over to 'watch a movie') is all code for "I want to fuck you, and probably not much else."

Try asking them to do something where you can get to know one another more. Museums are always a good bet, no matter what you're into (science, history, art, music... museums have it all). Plus it says, I value your time a lot more than just going to the local dive bar and throwing back a few PBRs.

We all have our slut moments, but girl you gotta wait until at least the second date! Otherwise, how do you know they want to hang out with YOU and not just your pussy?
posted by buckaroo_benzai at 5:37 PM on January 2, 2011 [4 favorites]


Avenue D is a band that has a song "Do I Look Like A Slut," which the OP used as her email address.
posted by buckaroo_benzai at 5:40 PM on January 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


Screw "the rules," but remember that when a guy really likes you he will make a big effort. So the advantage of slowing things down a bit is that you'll filter out the ones who don't really like you and will not deter the ones who do.

If you really want to get into a relationship (as opposed to just avoiding one nighters) you might also want to avoid dating mid-20s musicians. Try older guys and guys you might have stereotyped as "braindead". A cute punk rock girl might be a total prize for the adorably nerdy phd student you're overlooking.
posted by yarly at 5:41 PM on January 2, 2011 [2 favorites]


The truth is that when you sleep with a guy right away, you're acting before you figure out what would be the best way to pursue him romantically. You are acting pre-emptively on not enough information.

Slowing things down isn't necessarily about morals, it can be about taking the time to get to know someone and see what sort of relationships they are capable of, or interested in. Jumping into bed is basically hotwiring their decision-making process, it is sending the message that your physical attraction to them is so immediate (and probably fleeting) that you are willing to dispense with the more subtle aspects of human interaction and just go for the gonads.

Despite how much miserable noise they make about it, people like to hem and haw over whether someone is a good match for them. Imagination is a big part of falling in love, as is observation. If someone doesn't have much time to observe or imagine you before you get physically entangled, their instinct afterward will probably be to withdraw and protect themselves (by moving on). When things happen very fast, it's foolish and dangerous to immediately allow yourself to start thinking "OMG THIS COLD BE A MAJOR RELATIONSHIP." So in the heat of the moment you unconsciously suppress those thoughts, you hurtle into sex assuming this is pretty much all you get.
posted by hermitosis at 5:45 PM on January 2, 2011 [4 favorites]


Wow, I have no idea what to recommend, because I slept with every one of my long-term boyfriends and girlfriends on the first date. Until I met my husband, and I waited until the third date with him.

So maybe the third date really is magic? Or maybe the other kids in the other bands aren't interested in having real relationships, because they're grooving on the whole easy road sex thing?

Look for a guy who's looking for a relationship if you want a relationship. Hooking up with a guy who's looking for a one-night stand is generally how to find a guy who wants a bunch of one-night stands with different people.
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:55 PM on January 2, 2011


I don't think there is one magic rule for this, a do-it-like-this not like-this that guarantees success. So I slept with my partner on the first date (or before the first date, depending on how you are counting) and we are now happily married. Other times, though, it was more like what you describe -- the hookup is fine but afterward not so much.

The one thing that I think should be an iron-clad rule with sex and dating, though, is that if it isn't making you feel good you shouldn't do it. And from what you describe, what you are doing isn't making you feel great. The answer isn't to do more of the same -- keep hooking up with guys hoping that one morning you wake up together and see snowflakes and unicorns and dancing cupcakes of love -- but rather to try something different. Maybe that's old-style dating, or just taking a break, or whatever, I don't know -- you'll have to experiment and see what works for you. One way or the other, you have to break the pattern and form a new one.
posted by Forktine at 6:16 PM on January 2, 2011 [4 favorites]


Will that really make them think about me and want to meet up with me later?

Yes. Let them know what's between your ears before you reveal what's between--well, you know. Sport f*cking is fine and fun, but when you reveal yourself a little more slowly, the other person is usually intrigued and wants to know more, discover more, and generally will work harder to see what else there is. And there's so much more to you than hot sex, right?
posted by Ideefixe at 6:18 PM on January 2, 2011


Think of these hookups as first dates.
Is it possible for a first date to turn into multiple dates? Yes!
Is it possible for a first date to turn into a long-term relationship? Yes!
Is it guaranteed that a first date will turn into any of these things, or even into a second date? Well, no. Not at all.

When you first engage with someone under some sort of romantical construct, anything can happen, but nothing is guaranteed. Maybe that first coffee will turn into your first marriage. Or maybe that first movie will turn into a major anticlimax. Maybe something. Maybe nothing.

It's sometimes disappointing when you go out on a date with someone you've been crushing on, only to learn later that they weren't feeling it (or, hell, that you're not feeling it). What does one normally chalk this disappointment up to? Usually chemistry, connection, timing, temperaments, etcetera, etcetera, whatever. Not, "he must have judged me because I suggested we go white river rafting for the first date - oh no!" It's just something that happens, you know?

Assuming he is not a jerk, or that such a hook-up doesn't violate the tenants of his particular world view, a guy who is into you wouldn't randomly hold your first date activities against you. And I know of many hook-ups that have turned into serious, long-term relationships, for reals and everything.

But like any first date, it can also turn into nothing.

So, maybe what you should do is consider these encounters as first dates, with no guarantee whatsoever. And if sex under those circumstances sounds acceptable and fun, go for it. Same goes for all-out expensive dates involving impromptu trips to the Caribbean or whatever. But, if the total lack of guarantee makes those first-date activities seem a little unsettling, maybe it'll be less stressful to just invite guys out for a drink, or coffee, or rafting, or whatever.
posted by vivid postcard at 6:23 PM on January 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


Oh, and: just like after any successful first date, it is okay (good, even) to be direct and ask for another date. But it is also probably not wise to assume, no matter how magical and wonderful the evening went, that you are in an insta-relationship.

May not apply in this case, but it's something that comes to mind.
posted by vivid postcard at 6:25 PM on January 2, 2011


I actually met my girlfriend Sarah (now an ex) just this way.

She was a causal acquaintance who I knew through mutual friends. She was in a serious relationship the first time we met. A few months after that ended, we hooked up at a party. I thought it was a one time thing and was also expecting just to say "see ya around" but I was still having a great time with her after breakfast. I casually asked her to dinner later that week and she said yes. Because I was into her, I would have said yes had she asked me out. We were together for over a year.

So it is quite possible that you could end up dating some guy doing exactly what you are doing. Maybe you just haven't met the right guy?
posted by special-k at 6:32 PM on January 2, 2011


(also, typo: tenets, not tenants, yes indeed...)
posted by vivid postcard at 6:52 PM on January 2, 2011


Maybe you just haven't met the right guy?

Yeah, on that note, expand your dating pool. Guys from the local music scene may not be have you want you ultimately want.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:04 PM on January 2, 2011


There are (arbitrary! dumb! but still extant!) "rules" in long-term-expectant dating and many people choose to follow them and others choose to discard them and do whatever the hell they want.

I really don't think those "rules" ultimately have any effect on other people - they are only rules for how not to hurt yourself. In other words, if you want a long term relationship, it makes sense not to sleep with someone until, say, the third date, because it is likely that someone who goes on three dates without sex is at least potentially interested in more than just sex, and you have a chance to get a sense of what they're looking for in the meantime.

But the idea that if only you hadn't slept with someone on the first date, he would have had an entirely different outlook is a bit of a reach. You will cut out the one-night-standers, but you won't change them into long-term-relationshippers. That may help you focus on actually starting a long term relationship, since you won't be having random flings, and come across as uninterested in anything serious, but I doubt it would make individuals want something different than they want with you.
posted by mdn at 7:37 PM on January 2, 2011 [4 favorites]


By sleeping with a love interest right away, you are signaling that you have done something like that before. Most guys/girls in their 20s are not secure enough to feel okay with that. There isn't anything wrong with being a 'slut', but most guys/girls don't want to date the girl that everybody has been with. I think that you need to get out of the mentality that you are in--people WANT to feel like they have to work for it. Remember being a little kid and only wanting a toy when some other little kid grabbed it? It's hot to be exclusive. I know that it can be hard to remember when you run around in certain circles, but playing hard-to-get has perks.

I'm going to give you a challenge, ok? You have to go on 4 dates before doing anything sexual with anybody. You are not allowed to have actual sex OR talk dirty until the 6th date. Here are date ideas for an idea-less young punk in punksville USA: bike ride, dumpster dive followed by dinner, punk show, dinner at your house, bowling, movie, videogames, pancake breakfast at your house, picnic. It's like Wendy O. Williams vs Kathleen Hanna (sub whoever makes sense to you), right? Dudes are like, 'Oh Wendy is hot' but you know that they want to date Kathleen. Wendy O. shows her bosom and juggles chainsaws/writes explicit lyrics and gets arrested which is cool for the short term. Kathleen writes intelligent lyrics and is kinda weird and well-spoken and lets you know her mind while still being sexy. Wendy is probably just as cool as Kathleen, but the outer image she's giving people lets them judge her in a different light. The kind of guys you're with probably view you as a Wendy instead of a Kathleen. Let them get to KNOW you.
posted by 200burritos at 7:59 PM on January 2, 2011 [2 favorites]


I knew a woman who kept the rule that she wouldn't have sex until she had spent 40 hours with the person, one on one, in a romantic/flirtatious context. So a 5-hour date means 35 hours to go. Sleeping in the same bed can count for 8 hours or whatever. Hanging out at a party can maybe count for half the time since you may be flirting one-on-one, but you're probably not alone.
During the 40 hours, you can fool around, but none of whatever makes it "sex" for you (I think her rule might have been pants on?). The idea is to dedicate at least a workweek to each prospect to make sure you really like them & build the attraction. If you have the chemistry, it'll be worth the wait; if you don't have the chemistry to have something more, odds are that one of you will drift away.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 8:06 PM on January 2, 2011 [7 favorites]


From your description, I really do think it's the circle you're dating in. Lots of young dudes in bands are very worried about their reputations--in terms of, are they seen to be getting a lot from a lot of different women. To the point that it's quite possible they would refuse a long-term relationship they might otherwise go for for fear of being thought not as cool anymore. It's sad, but it happens.

(I'm married to a musician who was not like this when he was a young dude, but he's an exception).

I'm really not a believer in rules or the idea that playing harder-to-get makes you more attractive as a girlfriend, because I hate that kind of head game bullshit and could never deal with it. But there are guys out there who think that way.

The question is do you want to date guys who think that way? Because IMO whether you sleep w/ someone on the first date should not be a black mark against you. It's just sex, it's not being a serial killer, or someone who collects creepy clown paintings.

The only excuse for a guy put off by sex, that I can think of, is a weak one; guys who might like to date you long-term are intimidated by sex on the first date/sexually aggressive women in general. That might be something you can help them overcome, or it might be something you don't want to bother with. And that's up to you, again.

Be who you are; liking sex is normal and natural and nothing to be ashamed of and certainly not something some random dude should decide to judge you for. So maybe look outside your circle if they are not working for you and find guys who aren't so hung up on it.
posted by emjaybee at 8:22 PM on January 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


Nothing wrong with sleeping with them on a first date, but make sure it's actually a first date, and not just meeting up for drinks at 11 PM, or drunkenly stumbling out of a party together. That alone might be enough to weed out a lot of the guys who are purely interested in a casual hook-up.
posted by decoherence at 8:29 PM on January 2, 2011 [2 favorites]


Because this thread seems to have turned into the attack of the raving anecdote, here’s my random non-data.

I spent a lot of my 20s with friends who did not get what decoherence is talking about - a date is where one of you has asked the other out. None of them had anything like a relationship for years. They were mostly meeting new guys in bars and at parties, though, not hooking up with guys in their main social group.

My personal knowledge of people in relationships that lasted for more than 1 year is not a single one of them started with sex on the first date (or hook-up). My friends who had random-hookup problems were not in anything we’d call a relationship until they stopped having one-night stands.

On the other hand, I would have had sex with the love of my life on the night we met - except for complications from the drama of dealing with a friend's crisis which was almost entirely created by her confusing drunken-stumbling with relationship behavior. I’m not sure what this means for your quest – but good luck and go slowly if you are looking for more than one-night stands with 20-ish band boys.

I can think of worse things than enjoying the grotty enthusiasm of young musicians (unless they've changed for the worse since I was 20), but it sounds like you’d like to spend more time with one or two and I think if that’s what you want, you should work for it.

And you do look like a slut. Women just look like sluts. It takes almost nothing for people to judge any female between 12 and 42 as a slut. Find a construction site near a nunnery and you’re bound to overhear someone on the job refer to “that one” or “her slutty friend with the shopping bag” as a slut. What you want to avoid is having people who are close to you and know you worry that you are, in fact, letting other people make choices about when and where and how you have sex.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 10:33 PM on January 2, 2011 [2 favorites]


The year I lived in a small town, a friend who was recently single and enjoying her freedom had a crush, not exactly turn her down but basically say, "I don't want to be a notch on your belt, it seems like you're not in a getting-serious phase in your life, and you're free to do what you want to do, but I'm not in a casual-fling phase in my life, so I don't want to sleep together like this. I like you but don't want to sleep with you now because I don't think what I want from a relationship is what you want to be giving anyone now." What she ended up doing was creating a sort of buffer zone where she stopped sleeping with a variety of people, and then said to him "see, yes, I am willing to stop having casual flings so that we could have something more serious." So, one possibility could be that you're attracting guys who are themselves in a casual-fling phase, and even guys who could go either way might assume that what they're getting with you is a casual fling. Depending on the social scene there, and depending on what you want, you could create a break and noticeably embark upon a looking-for-something-more-serious phase. I kind of hate to suggest this, because I don't think casual sex is necessarily at odds with looking for something more serious. But since you see the problem as a difficulty in switching gears to a more romantic long-term style of dating, I wonder if it would help to announce (if only to yourself) that you're doing a new thing now.
posted by salvia at 12:24 AM on January 3, 2011


When we first met, my girlfriend was much like you, except not interested in a relationship. I was actually pretty close to the same boat, but not adverse to a relationship. We met at a dive bar in Brooklyn in the wee hours, hooked up that night and we've been together for over 8 years now. I was the first to realize we might be a good match, but we still just hooked up casually for a few weeks before I tried to turn it into dating. I don't know what was different from other people I had hooked up with or dated briefly, and I don't know what was different to her about me. I didn't force the relationship to be more, but I did suggest we try more than just hooking up and it worked.
posted by snofoam at 7:37 AM on January 3, 2011


Most people, if they are interested in a relationship with someone, will eagerly pursue continued, increasingly more frequent and intimate interaction with them. These guys are not interested in pursuing a relationship with you right now for whatever reason. You could ask them if you really wanted to find out, though they might not give you the honest answer. But a fairly obvious reality is that lots of people do not look for their quick out-for-drink hook-ups to lead to serious relationships and if it makes you bad to sleep with people who turn out not to be interested in you as a romantic partner the answer is to not sleep with people who interest you as a romantic partner until you determine whether they are similarly interested in you.

As far as what to do instead, you know, you could try not kissing or making out at all and see if the ones you are interested in will pursue anyway. I'd have walked across glass for the ones I wanted back in the days when I had to chase after love. Put off sex as long as I could possibly stand it in terror of fucking it all up. It was more fun that way, you ask me. You come across the right one you don't have to wonder for too long. "How many days must I wait to call" and all that kind of run around is just mind games people play around various Mr. and Ms. Wrongs.
posted by nanojath at 8:07 AM on January 3, 2011


if it makes you bad to sleep with people who turn out not to be interested in you

"if it makes you FEEL bad" rather.
posted by nanojath at 10:47 AM on January 3, 2011


I think the answer here has less to do with guys in general and more to do with how you want to handle your romantic life moving forward.

You've made the stance that you'd like to move toward long term dating. You have also discovered that your current approach doesn't seem to be moving you in that direction, and is leaving you a bit bummed out in the process.

Casual hookups are totally fine, can be a lot of fun, and sometimes lead to longer connections. That said, if you want something long term and you don't see progress with that method of dating for a while, it may become a drag.

For me personally, sleeping with people quickly has never panned out. I'm a relationship girl and it's hard for me to be intimate with someone without a cart in front of the horse situation coming into play. It messes with my head and I'm no longer very fun to date if I go too fast and get all topsy turvy in the brain. That said, I don't hold out for any reason other than *I* want to.

Hook up with guys as you please. Take breaks as you please. Put your finger on exactly the kind of guy you want, and lose the guys who don't fit the bill. The point is - make someone who shows up work to meet your standards, not the other way around.
posted by amycup at 11:48 AM on January 3, 2011 [1 favorite]


You give me the impression that you believe having sex with a guy is equivalent to showing relationship interest in him - it is not. Sex is just an activity and having sex with someone shows that you have an interest in having sex with them. You need to find other avenues to show that you have an interest in a realtionship with a guy - usually the best method is just to straight up ask ("I've had a crush on you for a while, want to go on an actual factual date?"). Asking things like "drinks later?" doesn't really express relationship interest if you are already known to enjoy casual sex because it's like mid-20s code talk for "hey, wanna bone?"

I'm in a 4 year realtionship with a one night (still) stander, and it was kinda rough in the beginning until I finally broke down and expressed that I wanted to be exclusive.
posted by WeekendJen at 1:57 PM on January 3, 2011 [2 favorites]


I'm married. I met my husband through Craigslist Casual Encounters. My husband's mother met her husband through a sex chat phone line.

I don't believe in 'playing by the rules' in the sense that there is one rule that applies to everyone at every point in their lives, and a lot of the "relationship material" things popping up n this thread are just squicky. Holding off until the third date with every guy implies that every person you meet is potential relationship material, which they're not. I've seen friends who don't do one night stands ironically get hurt when they play the rules, because they build it up in their minds as someone with potential to be The One... rather than sampling the goods and moving on.

There doesn't have to be the same approach for every guy. You don't have to decide x way is the way you do it from now on, because what if (like I did) you meet someone who completely defies what you thought you wanted, and how you thought things would go? (I was "not doing relationships" when we met.) You're in your early 20s? You'll win some, you'll lose some. You'll have bacchinalian months and desert-dry years. There will be mistakes made and lessons learned. I for one feel sorry for people who think there's a magic formula that applies to everyone.

Do what makes you happy, really, really, really. Whether it's virginal courting or raunchy rutting, or periods of neither, or both. There will be someone, whatever that making-you-happy way of being is, who is into exactly that. Maybe a few. Maybe many.
posted by Cuppatea at 4:47 AM on January 4, 2011 [1 favorite]


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