Surprise! She's leaving me. Help me be graceful under fire.
January 2, 2011 11:29 AM Subscribe
On New Year's Day, my partner abruptly ended our four-year, cohabitating relationship. I had almost no warning, and will probably never fully understand why. I believe she is making the wrong choice. Give me advice on how to gracefully accept her decision anyway, and hold on to my sanity in the process.
posted by anonymous to human relations (16 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
Anonymous because my mefi handle is known to work colleagues and my ex.
Not sure whether any of the following is relevant to my question, but here's our backstory:
Together for four years, living together for two. Both women; I'm in my mid 20's, she's in her late 20's. Our friends consider us the model couple, the they're-gonna-get-married-someday couple. There is nobody else in the picture for either of us. We have always been loving, affectionate, supportive, and respectful toward each other.
Over the past few months, we had started to discuss two upcoming big Life Decisions: whether to move to a new city, and when to start trying for kids. We aren't in exactly the same place on these two issues, but I think there's enough wiggle room to resolve these to both of our satisfactions. I had planned on proposing once we'd figured this stuff out.
Unfortunately, she believed that these preliminary discussions, and the fact that we didn't immediately agree, indicated that we are heading down different roads. Despite the fact that she still loves me (or so she says, and I believe her), she has convinced herself that we're not right for each other. Until yesterday I had no idea, as she kept this revelation to herself and gave no hints that anything was wrong.
Intellectually, I recognize that there is nothing I can say or do to make her change her mind, and that the correct thing to do is gracefully accept her decision. At the same time, both my head and my heart tell me that she's wrong to throw away what we have without making a good-faith effort to resolve these two Life Decisions, so I'm struggling.
For what it's worth, she offered to move out, and I accepted. Haven't worked out the details yet.
My question: How do I accept her decision with grace and dignity, without lying to either of us or otherwise compromising my own integrity?