Why isn't he into me?
January 2, 2011 7:12 AM   Subscribe

Need some guy input here – what’s wrong with this situation? Why isn’t this particular guy friend interested in me? (more details inside)

I have a guy friend I’ve known for a couple years. I’ve been attracted to him this entire time, but until recently I had a boyfriend. I broke up with the BF a few months ago, and have been hanging out with this other guy about once a week since then, hoping something would happen. Finally, I decided to start making things quite a bit more obvious, and I’ve dropped some blatant hints, both in person and via email (plenty blatant – it makes me cringe to think of how open I’ve been. I’m not used to having to chase guys – they usually make things much easier for me). I haven’t gotten a single non-platonic nibble in return – he’s still very friendly, but isn’t taking the bait at all. What’s the problem?

A bit more context about our friendship: I'm a 32 year old female, and he’s a 24 year old coworker. We worked together on the same project most of last year, and for a few months of that, he reported directly to me (I am significantly more senior than him at work). He went on a six month break from our employer a few months ago - he's not coming back until the middle of next year, and I'm quitting before then - so we won't be working together again.

From the beginning, he always seemed very friendly to me, and very willing to do anything I asked. But he's generally a very friendly person (he has more FB friends than anyone I know), and is nice to everyone, so I don't know how special I am in that regard. At some point we got to know each other well enough that we started spending time talking about non-work stuff. This year, even though we weren't working together, he would generally come by my office at least once a week just to chat with me (more than anyone else does), and occasionally we would go out for lunch together. We both have a strong interest in non profit work, so we really bonded on that topic, and that's what we would often talk about.

When he started his break from our employer a few months ago, we finally started hanging out outside of work (initiated by him). I see him about once a week - usually we just meet at a coffeehouse and play board games, sometimes we go to the movies or a ballgame. He initiates these "hanging out" dates at least half the time, probably more, and I never say no unless I really can't (i.e., I'm out of town). We usually exchange a few emails during the week as well. But, again, he's a very social person - he hangs out with a lot of people, and he emails a lot of people.

I've been attracted to him since I met him - and I think he's attracted to me. From early on, I've thought that he responds to me physically more than other people. We often have our legs pressed against each other when we're sitting next to each other. He hugs me often. Sometimes he grabs my knee when we're talking. He's a very physically affectionate person, though, so again - it's hard to tell how different he treats me compared to other friends. He hugs other girls a lot, and puts his arm around them while talking - but I've never noticed him sitting as close to anyone else as he does with me. In general, though, I'm a pretty attractive female (and I look young for my age) - it's likely that he thinks I'm attractive, even if he's not interested in me.

A couple weeks ago, a group of us went to a club. We all danced together, platonically - but there were a few times when the group dispersed and the two of us were alone, and then we would get a lot closer (initiated by me, but he followed along). There were multiple times when he would put his hands on me while dancing - and they were placed, umm, south of my waist. Everyone left about half an hour before the two of us - we stayed till the club closed. The last dance was a slow song, and he held me SUPER TIGHT to him. I tried to encourage him while we were dancing (slipped my hand inside his jacket, ran my hand along the back of his neck), but he didn't try to kiss me, and after the song was over, we just went back to normal. The next time I saw him, I made a comment about how a girl could easily think he was hitting on her, dancing like that (and tried to make it clear that I wouldn’t have minded if that had been the case) – the only reaction I got was him saying he knows he needs to be more careful – that he knows he’s really physical, and he needs to be more thoughtful about his physical interactions, and more careful.

A couple last details: He’s Muslim, and grew up in the middle east. I’m Caucasian, blonde, and Christian. I don’t think this matters – he came to the US for college, and dated a few girls there, usually white Christians. Also, his family is working on arranging his marriage, but that’s a slow process, and he has said things to me that make it obvious that he’s fine dating other women while they’re looking.

So – what gives? I’m attractive, smart, fun, have a good job (and no, I don’t think he’s intimidated – he’s all of those things, too, and he seems plenty comfortable hanging out with me casually) – but I’m not getting ANY traction at all in my non-platonic efforts, and I have to assume he’s just not interested in me like that – but why not? My theories are:
1. The age difference – men, how would you feel, at 24, about dating a 32 year old? Is that just weird?
2. The work relationship – too weird because I’m so senior to him, and I’ve been his boss?
3. Is he just not actively attracted to me? Is that possible – could he think I’m pretty, but not be actively attracted to me himself?
4. Some other reason? Cause those are all the good ones I can come up with….
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (40 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
 
Sorry to be so blunt, but your, as you say, "blatant" hints might have come off as slutty to him and that could be a turn-off to him. It sucks and is unfair that guys sometimes judge more sexually forward women in that way, but sometimes they do.

Also, despite the fact that he has dated people before, if he is religious or traditional enough that he's entering an arranged marriage, he could still be a virgin. And he could be afraid that you want sex.
posted by Ashley801 at 7:28 AM on January 2, 2011


Seems like he's just not into you. Questioning that tends to drive you crazy, because often THEY can't even pin down a reason. And yes, he could easily just not be attracted to you, people are attracted to different things and there isnt a universal "pretty" or "attractive", its personal taste.

There could be a HUGE number of reasons, and you'll probably never know for sure.
posted by stillnocturnal at 7:28 AM on January 2, 2011 [7 favorites]


Another thing that occurs to me is that while he may be open to dating people temporarily until he gets married, even though he's open to it at the same time he might not see it as a very nice/respectful thing to do to the women involved. And he may not want to do that to you, as his friend.
posted by Ashley801 at 7:34 AM on January 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


Sounds like he's not interested (more likely) or that your hints have not been clear enough (less likely).

At worst, in his mind you are this creepy old lady from work who keeps harassing him, right? Lots of guys won't date older women; many people won't date in the office and especially not up the hierarchy; and then there's just personal taste. The point is, you can't know, and if you have been as blatant as you say you have, the only good thing to do is to back off and take the hint.
posted by Forktine at 7:34 AM on January 2, 2011 [5 favorites]


I can't explain why I am not attracted to many of the dozens of attractive, smart, fun, well-employed people I know, but for some reason only a select few people ever give me goosebumps. He's just not interested for reasons that are probably beyond his control - no spark for him. It is entirely plausible that he thinks you're objectively attractive but has no interest in you himself.

You should stop hitting on him, enjoy what appears to be a fun friendship, and focus on finding someone who tries to get all close and flirty with YOU on the dance floor.
posted by hepta at 7:34 AM on January 2, 2011 [6 favorites]


5. He's already warned you that he is not emotionally available to you since he's going to marry another person. You, on the other hand, are emotionally involved with him - hence the dithering like a teenager. This is a lose/lose situation.

RUN away, stay away and stop this.
posted by jaimystery at 7:35 AM on January 2, 2011 [9 favorites]


Not to get too crude here, but when you were dancing close, could you tell if there was, ahem, a physical response from him?
posted by Dr. Eigenvariable at 7:35 AM on January 2, 2011


He’s Muslim, and grew up in the middle east. I’m Caucasian, blonde, and Christian.

I am guessing that this, combined with the age difference, just makes you seem too alien and inappropriate to him as a partner. The work seniority probably consolidated it. Even if he doesn't consciously hold them, it's likely that he has absorbed a certain set of beliefs about women like you, which don't prevent friendship but do prevent him seeing you as romantically viable.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:40 AM on January 2, 2011 [2 favorites]


he came to the US for college, and dated a few girls there,

But do you know that he slept with those girls? Is there some chance that he's easing his sexual frustrations by hugging / befriending / pressing his leg against various women while refusing to cross some line in the sand so he can save himself for the marriage that's being arranged for him?
posted by jon1270 at 7:42 AM on January 2, 2011 [2 favorites]


He's not into you, the reasons why are unimportant. Whatever they are they won't be like customer objections you can overcome with salesmanship. Accept it and move on.
posted by tel3path at 7:42 AM on January 2, 2011 [31 favorites]


Seems like he's just not into you. Questioning that tends to drive you crazy, because often THEY can't even pin down a reason.

Yup. This is in the top 5 of the list of things I desperately wish someone had told me when I was 14 but they didn't and it took me way too long to find out. I've wasted probably months of my life on trying to figure this stuff out, when I could have been doing something productive or enjoyable - it's just not worth it.

The one specific thing that struck me, as a 34 year old woman, is that I would just never assume an early-20s guy would be interested in me. Why would he, he can date 19 year olds. I mean of course it happens, but realistically I wouldn't count on it. Negative spin: you're too old. Positive spin: you're far more mature than he is, in a totally different place in life, he thinks of you as being in a different world, you were his boss, and while he might be friendly or flirty with you, it would never occur to him to date you.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 7:43 AM on January 2, 2011 [5 favorites]


Why isn't he into me?

Honestly and not to be snarky, but you're going to have to ask him. It could be age, culture or that dating you would interfere with his secret mission as an advanced scout for an alien race i.e. he loves you dearly but is protecting you so the our future tentacled overlords don't make you among the first in the soup pot.

Your question is filled with What if's, How come's and Why not's and you generally running through all sorts of questions AND answers in your head. If you really want to know, then asking random strangers on the internet who have never seen you, gone out with or interacted with in any shape or form isn't going to do anything except maybe give you a answer from someone who isn't him.

Ask him and put your questions to rest.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:47 AM on January 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


Sorry, but I'm going to go with everyone else here. He's just not into you. It could be the age thing, it could be the culture thing, it could be something completely different -- the only person who knows what's going on in his head is him. It sounds like you've done everything you can to show him you're interested, but it hasn't worked. That's all you need to understand.

My advice: lay off the flirting. Try to wean yourself off him. It's not healthy to spend this amount of time and energy on someone who won't return it. Find something to fill the space he occupies in your life. Someday you'll find someone who really wants to kiss you on that dance floor, and it'll be so much better. Trust me.
posted by fight or flight at 7:48 AM on January 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


Nthing that he doesn't seem into you. I know lots of guys who are touchy-feely with girls, but it doesn't mean they want to date all of them. It could be your age (I'd say a lot of 24-year-old guys prefer to date younger than 32, no offense), it could be that his family is getting closer to choosing someone for his marriage, it could be that he doesn't find you attractive.
You also seem really concerned with whether he thinks you're "pretty," even if he's not interested in you. Let this go. It doesn't matter if everyone in the world agrees that you are, indeed, pretty, and this guy thinking you're pretty does not reflect on your value.
posted by elpea at 7:55 AM on January 2, 2011 [3 favorites]


Sounds like he's not into you in that way and you need to let it go, if you can. Otherwise there's the nuclear option: just bringing it up outright.

As to "what gives"... maybe he's enjoying the "more than friends" attention from you (while, at the same time, not wanting to take it further). Only you can decide if you're cool with that.
posted by pourtant at 7:56 AM on January 2, 2011


Hi there. I'm no expert on dating, but I've certainly dated a lot and have been in your situation EXACTLY. All I can tell you is what transpired for me and perhaps it may be similar.

It turns out, when I was being flirted with by my younger, charming co-worker whom I also admired, I was reading the signs correctly. He WAS into me. Hence, all the great times and communication. He did like me and he was attracted. But when there was no action that backed up the moves, I was confused. WTF? Similar to you, I didn't know how to proceed or "what to do". I sent him forward communication, but it went unchecked. To make a long story short- in the end- he told me that he was into me, but not "into me" the way I wanted him to be. He was young and all thumbs. He didn't know what he was doing and once he saw that I was doing more of the conducting of the 'relationship', he felt funny, so he put on the brakes. I finally understood it and things just sorta melted to a normalacy and we're still friends. Who knows? Maybe in ten years we can give it a go. We're still attracted to each other, but we just weren't a match. If I were you, I'd file him in the back of your brains for a later date. He still needs to cook some more. And you're a hottie! Go out there and be single for 2 more minutes and then go find a new friend to admire! I'm sure you'll be snapped up in no time!
posted by boostershot at 8:22 AM on January 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


When you say he's OK with dating before he enters into his arrange marriage, what does he mean? It's possible he means very casual dating, as in very little emotional connection to the women. If he considers you a friend, you might be off limits as he probably wouldn't want to risk hurting you in the long term for just a bit of fun in the short term.

I do have to say there is also the age bias-that women in their 30s want something different than men in their 20s. It's possible there is an attraction, but he doesn't think you're OK with having, well, a fling.

Essentially there are a lot of factors here that make me wonder why you are interested in pursuing this man. While you don't think the religion issue matters, your phrasing ("I don't this matters") seems to indicate this isn't a shared belief or you don't know what he thinks. Even if he agrees that it doesn't matter, I'm fairly sure impending marriage does no matter how far it is in the future. It seems to me like there is a lot of downside to this affair should it happen, without a lot of good to counterbalance it.

I would definitely drop the flirting and do as fight or flight says-focus on other things, activities, interests.It's a brand new year, time to start with a clean slate.
posted by miss-lapin at 8:35 AM on January 2, 2011 [3 favorites]


The next time I saw him, I made a comment about how a girl could easily think he was hitting on her, dancing like that (and tried to make it clear that I wouldn’t have minded if that had been the case) – the only reaction I got was him saying he knows he needs to be more careful – that he knows he’s really physical, and he needs to be more thoughtful about his physical interactions, and more careful.

The whole situation is very "he's just not that into you", but this screams that he's just a flirty guy, and he's telling you here that he's not seriously giving you signals. Appreciate the friendship or take a break. He's not into you.
posted by two lights above the sea at 8:51 AM on January 2, 2011 [3 favorites]


A lot of your question tries to explain that he actually might be into you, and the implied question is "is he?" If I had to bet, I'd say not, but if you really want to know, stop dropping hints as tests and just tell him you want to date or hook up or whatever.

But explicitly, your question just asks "why isn't he into me?" If you really want to go nuclear, ask him why he doesn't dig you like that. He might or might not be able (or willing) to answer, but that's the only way you have a shot at finding the real answer. Lots of people are good-looking and objectively awesome, and assuming that you are all of these things, that doesn't mean he will or should be attracted to you or want to date you.
posted by J. Wilson at 9:02 AM on January 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


I think there is a cultural thing going on here that you have no way of reading. He probably is attracted to you, but he's NOT going to conduct himself like a 24 American guy.

Especially this: The next time I saw him, I made a comment about how a girl could easily think he was hitting on her, dancing like that (and tried to make it clear that I wouldn’t have minded if that had been the case) – the only reaction I got was him saying he knows he needs to be more careful – that he knows he’s really physical, and he needs to be more thoughtful about his physical interactions, and more careful.

You were trying to get information and hint to him that getting closer is fine, and all he understood was that his behavior was inappropriate - which suggests that he's focusing on that.

You need to talk to him openly and directly about what you want to know - all of your hints and normal protocol is useless, or is being misunderstood.
posted by Locochona at 9:04 AM on January 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


I thought there might be possibilities until I came to this:

the only reaction I got was him saying he knows he needs to be more careful – that he knows he’s really physical, and he needs to be more thoughtful about his physical interactions, and more careful.


That was a very clear brush-off. It's not going to happen. Move on. (sorry, don't mean to be harsh, just realistic)

BTW, the fact that 75% of guys will go for any generally "attractive" female who makes herself the least bit available to them often gives attractive females the incorrect impression that it's a universal factor. It isn't. My temperature rises as much as any male's when I pass sexy women in the street, but it's not so much a factor in terms of entering relationships. I'm in the minority on that, but not as slim a minority as one might think.
posted by Quisp Lover at 9:35 AM on January 2, 2011 [5 favorites]


You're going to need to ask him.
posted by TrinsicWS at 10:07 AM on January 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


All of your questions are about whether your looks, your age, and other "demographic" things about you would make him not want to date you. Which may very well be true. However, the first thing I thought is that maybe he doesn't like your personality. Don't you have friends who are "good on paper" and who are fun to hang out with, but who have personality traits that would make you not want to date them?

Maybe he thinks you're too flirty (or too serious). Maybe he would rather date a girl who shares his hobbies (or has her own hobbies that are different from his). Maybe he thinks you talk about yourself too much (or are too closed off and don't share enough about yourself with him). The point is that all of the reasons you've put forward are superficial, and there are a million little things about people's personalities and interactions that color who they are attracted to.

I agree with those above who have said that continuing to pursue this and obsess over it are a recipe for heartbreak. You will never know for sure why he doesn't want to date you, just like many of the people who are attracted to you for whom you don't have feelings will never know why you didn't want to date them. Move on. You should spend your time now dating people who might just find you charming and sexy and wonderful, not mooning over a guy who, for whatever reason, wants something else.
posted by decathecting at 10:32 AM on January 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


"Hey! Okay. This is going to be... Well. Awkward. But I gotta know. I have this big crush on you and I've had it for ages, and I was wondering if maybe we could go on a date sometime."

[let him answer, choose one of the following depending on his response]

"Yay! Awesome. I know we both like XYZ, why don't we get together for that on 123 date?"

Then go into the bathroom and dance and shout, 'cause the dude is into you.

or

"Aww, that's okay, I just wanted to put it out there, but I totally understand. Nope, no hard feelings. I may be a little awkward over the next few weeks, but I'll get over it. I'm glad to have you as a friend and was just interested in seeing if we might cultivate something a little more. We're good. Thanks for being honest with me!"

If the second one is selected, consider establishing boundaries re: physical intimacy so that you don't have to be tortured every time he puts his hand on your knee or hugs you. Just be like, "Hey, don't take this the wrong way, but hugs like this are usually reserved for guys I'm, you know, dating, and I don't want to be all weird around you, so can we readjust the way we work so there's no awkwardness?"

And move on with your life.
posted by patronuscharms at 10:38 AM on January 2, 2011 [5 favorites]


OK, to be clear, you are already convinced that he isn't interested in you. So the comments that are saying "He's not into you" aren't really answering your question; they're reiterating the premise of your question. You want to know why he isn't interested in you. Right?

Well, how in the world would we know?
posted by John Cohen at 10:39 AM on January 2, 2011 [4 favorites]


He's a, uh, how do you say it, a vagina-tease. Same need for attention, same lack of boundaries. And you are the "nice girl" in this situation whose done everything right, damnit. We all hit these people from time to time. Hell, I do this sometimes.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:52 AM on January 2, 2011 [2 favorites]


Why isn't he into you?

1. There's a significant age difference. I dated someone who was in their early 30's when I was 24-ish, and people thought it was sort of odd. And that was a situation where the guy was older, which is usually considered more socially acceptable. I know a lot of people, of both genders, who would never consider dating someone with that degree of age difference.

2. You guys have been coworkers. Which at the very least means that you probably slipped discreetly into the Friend Zone while you were working together. And it may mean that you are rendered Permanently Undateable. Some people just don't want to date a coworker.

3. It seems like there might be some fairly significant cultural differences. Even if he has dated white and/or non-Muslim women in the past. Being from a different religion and a different part of the world - especially if his ties to that world are so close that his family is arranging a marriage for him - might give him a different perspective on things like who it is appropriate to date or what age range is most comfortable.

4. I'm going to reiterate, his parents are arranging a marriage for him. Yeah, that "might take a while". And, sure, I suppose it leaves him free to date casually in the meantime. But is that really a situation that you, as a 32 year old grown woman, really want to be in? A situation where your 24 year old boyfriend kicks your ass to the curb because it's time to go home and settle down like the adult his family expects him to be?

5. Regardless of any of the above, sometimes people just aren't into you. Even if they send signals to the contrary. There's no foolproof formula for making sure that someone has romantic intentions. I've been burned in situations far less volatile than this.
posted by Sara C. at 10:55 AM on January 2, 2011 [5 favorites]


Wild ass guess:

A) You are hot, and he would like to make sexy time with you.

BUT

B) You are too much older than him to consider marrying.

AND

C) Since you are his coworker and his boss, he knows he can't just have casual sex with you, even though he'd like to. He knows you'd want a relationship, but, B).

I'd be willing to wager a lot of money on this, because I've been there before.
posted by blargerz at 11:04 AM on January 2, 2011 [3 favorites]


1. The age difference – men, how would you feel, at 24, about dating a 32 year old? Is that just weird?
2. The work relationship – too weird because I’m so senior to him, and I’ve been his boss?
3. Is he just not actively attracted to me? Is that possible – could he think I’m pretty, but not be actively attracted to me himself?
4. Some other reason? Cause those are all the good ones I can come up with….


1. Maybe. I wouldn't mind it, others would balk at it.
2. This would put me off. I've been in your position in this situation... sort of. I'm a landlord and desperately wanted to ask out a tenant of mine, but felt it might be wrong. None of my friends (or even my parents) thought that it was, but I decided that it definitely was. So, again, depends on the person. Maybe he doesn't date co-workers at all.
3. Possible again. Physical attraction doesn't mean you actually think it's a good idea to act on it necessarily.
4. Likely. Maybe he can't stand your perfume. Maybe your hair is black and he had a traumatic experience witha black-haired woman during his oedipal emergence. Maybe you intimidate him. Could be anything or nothing at all.
posted by cmoj at 11:13 AM on January 2, 2011


the only reaction I got was him saying he knows he needs to be more careful – that he knows he’s really physical, and he needs to be more thoughtful about his physical interactions, and more careful.

This is him saying "Yeah, you read way too much into that." Because you read too much into that. He's politely turning you down. Don't make it any more awkward than it already is, for either of you.
posted by sonika at 11:30 AM on January 2, 2011 [2 favorites]


I'll reiterate John Cohen. There is no way that internet strangers know this guy's mind.

I will say that the having-a-marriage-arranged might put limits on what he can and cannot do with random females in the meantime. Or, he might not be into you, or he might be into you but resolved not to take it to the next level for whatever reason. I'd work on moving on, if necessary asking him out first to prove he won't say yes.
posted by salvia at 11:34 AM on January 2, 2011


I'd say you need to let this one go. Whatever his reasons, it seems pretty obvious he isn't comfortable with taking this further. From your description you've given him more than enough clear signs that you're interested. He hasn't bitten. Let it go.
posted by Decani at 12:20 PM on January 2, 2011 [2 favorites]


This is what's known as overthinking it. The fact is, if he's not that into you, the whys and wherefores aren't really relevant (assuming they don't resolve around something very simple and fixable, such as... I don't know, not brushing your teeth). All this unraveling and examination of each narrative thread to try to find the central knot that you can magically untangle in order to make sense of it all is just... distraction. It's not productive mental work. It's the equivalent of being on an emotional hamster wheel (I know, because I've done it plenty of times myself), serving to create the illusion that you're busily getting to the bottom of something important, when in fact all you're doing is spending an enormous amount of mental energy staying stuck in exactly the same place.

The fact is, even if you can find out why he's not into you, it won't change anything. As someone said upthread, you're not going to be able to overcome his objections through good salesmanship. I think this is one of those situations where you have to chalk it up as a loss -- for whatever reasons, even if they remain unknown to you forever -- and move on. And if the idea of just moving on without a definitive answer seems really difficult or challenging or uncomfortable to contemplate, then maybe that's you might be able to spend some productive introspection.

Good luck. Like I said, I've been on this ship before. It's better to disembark.
posted by scody at 1:12 PM on January 2, 2011 [8 favorites]


I totally agree with what scody says just above me (and many others have said), but I'll just throw this out there, since nobody else seems to have said it ...

Maybe he's gay.
posted by Diag at 3:26 PM on January 2, 2011 [1 favorite]


Trust me when I say this, I am speaking from experience. A guy who tells you his marriage is being arranged is indirectly telling you that he is not looking for a serious relationship.

There are cultures out there where a man/women will willing enter into an arranged marriage and while waiting for that to happen will give themselves permission to enjoy casual dating and free sex if he gets it with no strings attached. Sometimes, they are not even looking for free sex, they just want to grope and feel and try to satisfy themselves that way.

One of the reasons, he may not want to take it any further is maybe because he doesn't want to loose your friendship.

Bottom line: Move on
posted by VickyR at 4:08 PM on January 2, 2011


It is not unusual for people who are expecting an arranged marriage to date around in college or grad school, but not afterwards.

And maybe, lovely as you are, you don't turn his crank. There is no one universal standard of attractiveness--he might really like fat girls (if you're slim or average) or ultra-slim girls (if you're average or fat) or tall girls if you're short or short girls if you're tall or girls with strong chins or weak chins or long fingers or smaller breasts than yours or bigger breasts than yours or girls who smell like his favorite aunt or girls who don't smell like his least favorite aunt....

There is an infinite list of things that are deal-breakers for people, without which the loveliest, most charming person is just Not For Them.

Move on. He is not for you.
posted by Sidhedevil at 6:02 PM on January 2, 2011 [2 favorites]


I’ve dropped some blatant hints, both in person and via email (plenty blatant – it makes me cringe to think of how open I’ve been. I’m not used to having to chase guys – they usually make things much easier for me)

For future reference, you were not blatant, and you might not have even have communicated your interest.

Some guys are sufficiently attuned to signals and hints to notice them, but for a lot of guys (a LOT, expecially if there are cultural differences), uless you actually look him in the eye and say "I would like to go out on a date with you" or "I would like to have sex with you" or whatever, you have no guarantees that he is mindreading your hints, as obvious as they might seem to you.

He might be thinking "Part of why she likes flirting with me because she knows it safe - it can't go anywhere so she can do things she wouldn't do with other guys, so as much as I'd like to take her up on it, taking her up on it is not what she wants, and it would just wreck things :-(".

You don't know. You're not communicating. If you're going to be blatant, just be direct. A "blatant hint" in this kind of situation is a oxymoron, an unlike being direct, it usually leaves your questions unanswered, and you left wondering, knowing nothing.

Hints are not communication. They sometimes (against all odds) manage to work, but they're flimsy fickle, and cowardly, and not something to be trusted with anything of importance.

You've grown soft and weak by only dating people who chased you because THEY wanted YOU. If you want to chase someone that YOU want, you need courage. And you need to be able to handle rejection.

And people do it every day. So can you. :-)
posted by -harlequin- at 8:25 PM on January 2, 2011 [4 favorites]


Are you 100% sure he's straight, just because nobody's said that yet?
posted by AmbroseChapel at 12:40 AM on January 3, 2011


Why play all these games? Ask him out on a date, make it clear that it's a date, talk to him on this date about your attraction and expectations, and see what happens.
posted by coolguymichael at 12:52 PM on January 3, 2011


Re the Muslim thing: I am Muslim and Middle Eastern (American born). I dont want to generalize about my own culture, but I know a thing or two about the way our dudes sometimes treat non-Muslim women, and one prevalent attitude, especially among the study abroad crowd, tends to be "white girls are for practice." This means free sex and fooling around until its marry the village virgin time. I know that sounds awful and stereotypical, but I've just seen it so many times. I've seen my guy friends do this, and I've seen my non-Muslim friends get hurt. If he comes from a family that is traditional enough to arrange his marriage, then he is probably not going to bring a white American Christian home. Of course, you need to talk to him, because he might not care what mom and pop think or about Muslim cultural norms. But he is very young, so I doubt it. I would guess that the age and cultural differences are the issues here.
posted by MXJ1983 at 2:12 PM on January 5, 2011 [1 favorite]


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