E-Jealousy
January 2, 2011 6:23 AM Subscribe
I believe my boyfriend may be entering in to an emotional affair with a former coworker via facebook. How do i bring this up without seeming untrusting when nothing physical has happened (yet?)
We've been together for 3 years, in our late 20's. they worked together before we met. They were mild acquaintances while colleagues, and to my knowledge never really spent significant time together.
Through the wonders of social media (facebook and other sites) they have reconnected and this girl just keeps popping up all over his shit. a status like here, shared comments about a post there. he lists me as his girlfriend and references me all the time, but well, you know how it goes.
why i hope you don't think i'm a stalker paranoid crazy girl:
- i do not read his email or snoop, this is all public.
- he mentions her by name, fondly, whenever she comments on something (e.g. 'oh, claire, she liked my status, you would really like claire, she's awesome), he NEVER does this about any other girls or facebook activity - i've never asked about her, he just volunteers it.
- he has been promiscuous on-line in the past while single, so he knows the in's and out's of hooking up online and how to e-seduce.
- i've busted him flirting with strangers on line while with me
- he has more female friends than male
- he got drunk and kissed a girl at a party while we were dating
while the above nonsense is in out past and we've moved on (i think?), i can't help but get nervous when i see a female enter his life, especially with all the horror stories about facebook lost loves. i trust him 99%, it's things like this and the above behavior that just nag nag nag at me.
So, larger question is am i bound to not trust this guy? things like this just EAT AWAY at me. how do i not freak out about this?
We've been together for 3 years, in our late 20's. they worked together before we met. They were mild acquaintances while colleagues, and to my knowledge never really spent significant time together.
Through the wonders of social media (facebook and other sites) they have reconnected and this girl just keeps popping up all over his shit. a status like here, shared comments about a post there. he lists me as his girlfriend and references me all the time, but well, you know how it goes.
why i hope you don't think i'm a stalker paranoid crazy girl:
- i do not read his email or snoop, this is all public.
- he mentions her by name, fondly, whenever she comments on something (e.g. 'oh, claire, she liked my status, you would really like claire, she's awesome), he NEVER does this about any other girls or facebook activity - i've never asked about her, he just volunteers it.
- he has been promiscuous on-line in the past while single, so he knows the in's and out's of hooking up online and how to e-seduce.
- i've busted him flirting with strangers on line while with me
- he has more female friends than male
- he got drunk and kissed a girl at a party while we were dating
while the above nonsense is in out past and we've moved on (i think?), i can't help but get nervous when i see a female enter his life, especially with all the horror stories about facebook lost loves. i trust him 99%, it's things like this and the above behavior that just nag nag nag at me.
So, larger question is am i bound to not trust this guy? things like this just EAT AWAY at me. how do i not freak out about this?
i can't help but get nervous when i see a female enter his life
For what it's worth ... it seems like you see this as a normal occurrence that happens in all relationships. (Random girls popping up and seeming overly interested and involved with your boyfriends.)
But when I think back on my relationships, this pretty much only ever happened in the two of them where the guys were messing around or doing shady things. Sure, my other boyfriends had female friends; some of them had female friends primarily. But none that ever seemed unusually interested, none that were flirtatious, none that were inappropriate or set off my radar in some way. I think that when there's a girl like this around (unless the guy is actively and openly discouraging her) she's around because the guy is encouraging or allowing it in some way. And obviously, doing that because he likes it. And I don't think all guys do that at all. Just guys like these ones. Normal guys nip it in the bud and it goes away before you've even seen it.
So, larger question is am i bound to not trust this guy?
I don't think it's really about that. I think the question is, is shady stuff going to continue to keep popping up with this guy. This weird FB thing is obviously very minor, but all these weird little things can accrue and make you miserable.
how do i not freak out about this?
Can you just be honest with him? Can you tell him, "Hey, given our past, I feel a little nervous when a new girl enters your life who seems to be very interested in you. Is there any way you reassure me?"
posted by Ashley801 at 6:47 AM on January 2, 2011 [10 favorites]
For what it's worth ... it seems like you see this as a normal occurrence that happens in all relationships. (Random girls popping up and seeming overly interested and involved with your boyfriends.)
But when I think back on my relationships, this pretty much only ever happened in the two of them where the guys were messing around or doing shady things. Sure, my other boyfriends had female friends; some of them had female friends primarily. But none that ever seemed unusually interested, none that were flirtatious, none that were inappropriate or set off my radar in some way. I think that when there's a girl like this around (unless the guy is actively and openly discouraging her) she's around because the guy is encouraging or allowing it in some way. And obviously, doing that because he likes it. And I don't think all guys do that at all. Just guys like these ones. Normal guys nip it in the bud and it goes away before you've even seen it.
So, larger question is am i bound to not trust this guy?
I don't think it's really about that. I think the question is, is shady stuff going to continue to keep popping up with this guy. This weird FB thing is obviously very minor, but all these weird little things can accrue and make you miserable.
how do i not freak out about this?
Can you just be honest with him? Can you tell him, "Hey, given our past, I feel a little nervous when a new girl enters your life who seems to be very interested in you. Is there any way you reassure me?"
posted by Ashley801 at 6:47 AM on January 2, 2011 [10 favorites]
It's obviously making you very suspicious — "nothing physical has happened (yet?)" — maybe you should do some soul-searching about how your feeling relates to the irrational, instinctive fears we all have about relationships, and how much comes from some more deeply empathic place. For me reading your description it seems compatible with many scenarios. But the veracity of your suspicion notwithstanding, your feeling is real and important.
Me, I'm always biased in favor of being open and accepting with all kinds of feelings. Can you imagine being curious about his connection to Claire without being in the afraid, jealous, kind of inquisitive mode? I tend to believe that feelings of attraction can arise for anyone at any time and that it's the more you accept that as a fact of human animal reality, the less anxious you will be. Likewise for feelings of jealousy. "Emotions arise and fall" as the Buddhists say.
(Fully aware that it's absurdly easy to be equanimous when you're just giving advice about relationships and communication. But I hope it's not entirely useless to provide an objective perspective and an encouragement to think that the situation itself may not be such a big deal but there may still be emotions that need acknowledgement...)
posted by mbrock at 7:18 AM on January 2, 2011
Me, I'm always biased in favor of being open and accepting with all kinds of feelings. Can you imagine being curious about his connection to Claire without being in the afraid, jealous, kind of inquisitive mode? I tend to believe that feelings of attraction can arise for anyone at any time and that it's the more you accept that as a fact of human animal reality, the less anxious you will be. Likewise for feelings of jealousy. "Emotions arise and fall" as the Buddhists say.
(Fully aware that it's absurdly easy to be equanimous when you're just giving advice about relationships and communication. But I hope it's not entirely useless to provide an objective perspective and an encouragement to think that the situation itself may not be such a big deal but there may still be emotions that need acknowledgement...)
posted by mbrock at 7:18 AM on January 2, 2011
Frankly, this would make me suspicious, too. I'm kind of weirdly good at predicting relationship stuff between people based on Facebook and a little bit of real life. Like, someone will tell me that so-and-so broke up, and I will already have figured this had happened, or that so-and-so are dating now, and I will have already figured this out, etc. This kind of commenting a lot of stuff probably means that at the very least, the girl likes him. Not just because you would only comment a lot on the posts of someone you have a crush on, but because if you didn't have a crush on them, you might think about how often you're commenting and tone it down so it doesn't seem that way.
I also had friends who were a couple where the guy would see this one girl in our circle a lot, maybe in a class or something, and would always be telling his girlfriend, "Oh, Emily's so cool, you would really like her." Well, a few months later, the couple breaks up and guy immediately gets with Emily.
Not trying to scare you, but given the fact that you have caught him flirting online before while you were together, and he doesn't seem to have the same kind of boundaries up while in a relationship given his drunken makeout, you should talk to him about this and let him know that you are concerned.
posted by elpea at 8:01 AM on January 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
I also had friends who were a couple where the guy would see this one girl in our circle a lot, maybe in a class or something, and would always be telling his girlfriend, "Oh, Emily's so cool, you would really like her." Well, a few months later, the couple breaks up and guy immediately gets with Emily.
Not trying to scare you, but given the fact that you have caught him flirting online before while you were together, and he doesn't seem to have the same kind of boundaries up while in a relationship given his drunken makeout, you should talk to him about this and let him know that you are concerned.
posted by elpea at 8:01 AM on January 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
"So, this Claire thing is starting to blip my radar. Do I have something to be worried about here?"
If the situation is sketchy, now he knows you're not oblivious. If the situation isn't sketchy, he can explain to you why. Either way opens the door to a conversation about boundaries.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:53 AM on January 2, 2011 [7 favorites]
If the situation is sketchy, now he knows you're not oblivious. If the situation isn't sketchy, he can explain to you why. Either way opens the door to a conversation about boundaries.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:53 AM on January 2, 2011 [7 favorites]
Just for what it's worth, someone appearing all over a Facebook newsfeed isn't necessarily hard evidence of anything much at all, other than the fact that Facebook thinks that by putting that person on the feed, the feed owner will spend more time on Facebook.
A friend of mine, who I like perfectly well, but am not *that* close to, absolutely dominated my Facebook news feed until I blocked her since her status updates were pushing out those from people that I *was* interested in seeing.
posted by pharm at 9:20 AM on January 2, 2011
A friend of mine, who I like perfectly well, but am not *that* close to, absolutely dominated my Facebook news feed until I blocked her since her status updates were pushing out those from people that I *was* interested in seeing.
posted by pharm at 9:20 AM on January 2, 2011
If you entered into this relationship and have stayed in this relationship, even knowing that laundry list of items you've provided us with to justify your concerns about your boyfriend's potential for promiscuity, then you have, in effect had plenty of warning, and should know that you reap what you sow. If something as bland as using Facebook for what it's intended makes you go crazy, you need to consider that the trust issues you have with him may also be deeply rooted in you, too. You have not moved on from his past transgressions, and unless you're dead set on eventually marrying the guy, which might subsequently make you willing to try counseling for both you and the dude, you're going to have trouble trusting him for the rest of your relationship.
Now, I say this as someone who is one fiercely jealous bitch, and I ruined a relationship that I really could have kept together had I not been so hyper sensitive about "signs of cheating". You, like me, may be prone to occasional bouts of "too smart for our own good", and if that's the case, give yourself a break, love! If you're sincerely dedicated to this guy despite his roving eye, then perhaps broach the topic like this:
posted by patronuscharms at 9:37 AM on January 2, 2011 [9 favorites]
Now, I say this as someone who is one fiercely jealous bitch, and I ruined a relationship that I really could have kept together had I not been so hyper sensitive about "signs of cheating". You, like me, may be prone to occasional bouts of "too smart for our own good", and if that's the case, give yourself a break, love! If you're sincerely dedicated to this guy despite his roving eye, then perhaps broach the topic like this:
"Hey babe, I've got something I need to talk to you about. You free/rested/not hungry/etc/etc? Okay, cool. So I know this is an awkward topic for both of us, but I've noticed lately that I've been really preoccupied with some of the stuff that's gone on in the past regarding the 'net and you flirting with other girls. I thought maybe I'd have moved on from it by now, but I haven't, and that is impacting my ability to be the girlfriend you know I can be. Right now I notice I get really uncomfortable whenever you mention Claire and Claire's involvement in your Facebook life. I'm sure you're going to tell me it's nothing to worry about, and I'm glad you have that kind of faith in our relationship, but I'm going to be blunt with you so you know where I'm coming from.And if he says something along the lines of, "Stop being a jealous bitch", please do yourself a favor and DTMF.
I don't care. I'm not comfortable, and I'm not okay with it, and I really need your help to work towards a different set-up in our relationship so that my boundaries and your boundaries are clear. It might be that our boundaries aren't compatible anymore, and if that's the case, we're going to have to deal with that, either by compromising, or by reconsidering our relationship status. I love you, and want to feel like I can trust you, day in, and day out. I don't want you to lie to me, and I definitely don't want to forbid you from chillin' on Facebook, 'cause neither of those things make sense, but I do need your help on this. What do you think a solution could be?"
posted by patronuscharms at 9:37 AM on January 2, 2011 [9 favorites]
Another vote for asking him about it. The most important part of a healthy relationship is open communication, and I think that includes letting your partner know when you're curious about stuff like this. If it's important enough for AskMe, it's important enough to ask him. One thing I always try and make clear is that I'm asking questions because I don't know the answer, and that I want to hear their side before I have time to make any assumptions.
posted by LarrenD at 9:44 AM on January 2, 2011
posted by LarrenD at 9:44 AM on January 2, 2011
we've moved on (i think?), i can't help but get nervous when i see a female enter his life
I don't think you've moved on. If you get nervous any time he begins to interact with a woman socially, your relationship has a major problem. Have the two of you agreed on what is and isn't appropriate behavior in terms of flirting or having close friendships with people who, if it weren't for your current relationship, might be potential parters? If not, you should.
I'm wondering if his flirty personality makes him think that his behavior toward other women is harmless--I wonder if he doesn't take your concerns about that behavior seriously. I also wonder if his flirty personality makes you think it's inappropriate for him to make any new female friends--in other words, you know his current female friends and (sort of) trust that he's not making advances towards them or them toward him, but when a new woman enters his social life you go on red alert. This seems extremely stressful, and might mean that, ultimately, you're just not compatible.
posted by Meg_Murry at 10:11 AM on January 2, 2011 [4 favorites]
I don't think you've moved on. If you get nervous any time he begins to interact with a woman socially, your relationship has a major problem. Have the two of you agreed on what is and isn't appropriate behavior in terms of flirting or having close friendships with people who, if it weren't for your current relationship, might be potential parters? If not, you should.
I'm wondering if his flirty personality makes him think that his behavior toward other women is harmless--I wonder if he doesn't take your concerns about that behavior seriously. I also wonder if his flirty personality makes you think it's inappropriate for him to make any new female friends--in other words, you know his current female friends and (sort of) trust that he's not making advances towards them or them toward him, but when a new woman enters his social life you go on red alert. This seems extremely stressful, and might mean that, ultimately, you're just not compatible.
posted by Meg_Murry at 10:11 AM on January 2, 2011 [4 favorites]
To add to patronuscharm's comment, please make sure you say what you intend to say in a clear way without appearing manipulative because that will put him on the defensive.
Also, be aware that the question ".... What do you think the solution could be?" could very well be answered with the answer "I'm not sure, I'm interacting with her as I would with anyone else, what do YOU/WE think the solution should be?" (or something along those lines). Make sure you have an answer if the conversation takes that turn.
posted by gadha at 10:21 AM on January 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
Also, be aware that the question ".... What do you think the solution could be?" could very well be answered with the answer "I'm not sure, I'm interacting with her as I would with anyone else, what do YOU/WE think the solution should be?" (or something along those lines). Make sure you have an answer if the conversation takes that turn.
posted by gadha at 10:21 AM on January 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
Ask him point blank, but in a totally teasing manner. Like you're at the computer browsing FB and suddenly say "So, what's up with you and so-and-so? You guys hooked up yet?? She's cute, you should go for it! You know she's into you!" Pay attention to how he reacts and this should tell you a lot. Of course, he'll know you're not really joking by asking him about this, but it comes across as cuter and less "irrationally jealous girlfriend" than if you did the whole, serious "sit down, we need to talk" kind of thing.
posted by decoherence at 10:21 AM on January 2, 2011
posted by decoherence at 10:21 AM on January 2, 2011
Having been the other woman in this sort of triangle--here's what NOT to do:
Keep bugging him about her. The more you sort of complain and pout about her, the more alluring she becomes. (If she's smart, she'll act like you don't exist.)
If you meet her, act like a bitch. Snide remarks, rolled eyes--keep it up, and he'll feel protective of her, not you.
Let him know you don't trust him. Guys tend to act as they're described.
With these tips in mind--how flirty are you with him? If you're acting like an old couple, you might retrace your steps and back up a bit. Tease him, flirt with him, pay attention to him.
Personally, I think talking things to death kills romance. Your actions will have more effect on a man than your words.
posted by Ideefixe at 10:24 AM on January 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
Keep bugging him about her. The more you sort of complain and pout about her, the more alluring she becomes. (If she's smart, she'll act like you don't exist.)
If you meet her, act like a bitch. Snide remarks, rolled eyes--keep it up, and he'll feel protective of her, not you.
Let him know you don't trust him. Guys tend to act as they're described.
With these tips in mind--how flirty are you with him? If you're acting like an old couple, you might retrace your steps and back up a bit. Tease him, flirt with him, pay attention to him.
Personally, I think talking things to death kills romance. Your actions will have more effect on a man than your words.
posted by Ideefixe at 10:24 AM on January 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
Ask him point blank, but in a totally teasing manner.
This is terrible, terrible, terrible advice.
posted by enn at 10:29 AM on January 2, 2011 [16 favorites]
This is terrible, terrible, terrible advice.
posted by enn at 10:29 AM on January 2, 2011 [16 favorites]
> With all due respect to Decoherence, the baiting tactic does not work, because it is passive aggression through and through, and PA should be kept out of relationships whenever consciously possible.
posted by patronuscharms at 10:42 AM on January 2, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by patronuscharms at 10:42 AM on January 2, 2011 [4 favorites]
This is terrible, terrible, terrible advice.
Why? Speaking as a guy who's been in these sorts of situations from time to time, if a girl teases me about something like this, I find it cute and sort of endearing - she's feeling a bit insecure about something and wants to feel me out, but doesn't want to make it plain. It's the kind of mild jealousy that's good for romance. Conversely, a serious talk-it-out, particularly if the worry is unfounded, is kind of a wet blanket and a romance-killer, as Ideefixe pointed out. If the guy's actually guilty and is trying to hide something, either approach would get to the bottom of it - i.e., if the guy starts sputtering and acting defense in response to the teasing, she can easily transition to a more serious conversation.
I agree that open and honest communication is a good thing in a relationship, but if the OP is dragging the guy into long, serious discussions every time she has some small and possibly irrational worry, the guy's headed for the hills.
posted by decoherence at 10:44 AM on January 2, 2011
Why? Speaking as a guy who's been in these sorts of situations from time to time, if a girl teases me about something like this, I find it cute and sort of endearing - she's feeling a bit insecure about something and wants to feel me out, but doesn't want to make it plain. It's the kind of mild jealousy that's good for romance. Conversely, a serious talk-it-out, particularly if the worry is unfounded, is kind of a wet blanket and a romance-killer, as Ideefixe pointed out. If the guy's actually guilty and is trying to hide something, either approach would get to the bottom of it - i.e., if the guy starts sputtering and acting defense in response to the teasing, she can easily transition to a more serious conversation.
I agree that open and honest communication is a good thing in a relationship, but if the OP is dragging the guy into long, serious discussions every time she has some small and possibly irrational worry, the guy's headed for the hills.
posted by decoherence at 10:44 AM on January 2, 2011
patronuscharms - Possibly it is passive aggressive, I don't know. But even then, I'd still maintain that a point blank "So, what's going on with you and so-and-so?" is preferable to a serious and drawn out conversation about the subject. The key is observing the guy's initial reaction. If they sit down and she takes 10 minutes to lay out all her worries, that's not going to be as revealing.
posted by decoherence at 10:51 AM on January 2, 2011
posted by decoherence at 10:51 AM on January 2, 2011
I don't find it cute and endearing, I find it passive-aggressive and manipulative. You're setting up this dichotomy between passive-aggressive "joking" and "long, serious discussions" and there are many other ways of communicating.
posted by enn at 10:51 AM on January 2, 2011 [6 favorites]
posted by enn at 10:51 AM on January 2, 2011 [6 favorites]
I tend to have male friends more than female friends, and I always worry that their SO's will react like this to our friendship. It's possible to get along with someone, share jokes etc. and NOT WANT TO SLEEP WITH THEM. I can't stress this enough - sometimes a friend is just a friend.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 11:01 AM on January 2, 2011
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 11:01 AM on January 2, 2011
- i've busted him flirting with strangers on line while with me
Your gut is talking to you. Listen, then decide. Ask him. Bluntly. No ultimatum. Just say "do you have feelings for Claire? I need to know and I need you to be honest with me."
I was the EA partner once--I was in a place where I couldn't really date anyone due to a bad breakup. I befriended a stunning woman from work and we used to hang out, especially at work, to the point that people at work started chattering. One day she told me her fiance had blown up at her in an argument saying "its always Rob said this, Rob said that" (if he had only known how many times I had defended him when she complained!). He started cheating not too long after that and they broke up.
The thing was, he should have asked about it early on and just said no more hanging out with Rob. I would have been fine with it, I just saw her as a friend and wasn't trying to break them up. But your story sounds a lot like mine from the other angle.
Speak up for yourself now.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:07 AM on January 2, 2011
Your gut is talking to you. Listen, then decide. Ask him. Bluntly. No ultimatum. Just say "do you have feelings for Claire? I need to know and I need you to be honest with me."
I was the EA partner once--I was in a place where I couldn't really date anyone due to a bad breakup. I befriended a stunning woman from work and we used to hang out, especially at work, to the point that people at work started chattering. One day she told me her fiance had blown up at her in an argument saying "its always Rob said this, Rob said that" (if he had only known how many times I had defended him when she complained!). He started cheating not too long after that and they broke up.
The thing was, he should have asked about it early on and just said no more hanging out with Rob. I would have been fine with it, I just saw her as a friend and wasn't trying to break them up. But your story sounds a lot like mine from the other angle.
Speak up for yourself now.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:07 AM on January 2, 2011
When I got this feeling about someone my boyfriend was emailing, first I admitted I was feeling that way, and then he tried to explain why I didn't need to (funny how little that helped - humans are weird), and then we started calling her "his other girlfriend," as in "oh, are you going to see your other girlfriend at the staff retreat?" which did help. Turning my sparks of jealousy into an inside joke that we could talk about did a great job of defusing the worry. (It also helped that he's totally loyal and not at all someone who would cheat.)
posted by salvia at 11:09 AM on January 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by salvia at 11:09 AM on January 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
I would pay more attention to your gut than the list of defenses for each of these behaviors that you're getting. Yes, the things you listed are the reasons you're suspicious, but there's a million other things that you pick up and may not be completely conscious of that contribute to your fears. I would do exactly what Lyn Never recommends. Next time he raves about the wonders of Claire, ask him about it calmly. His response will tell you a lot, and by bringing it up, it'll put him on notice that maybe what he thinks of as a harmless crush looks different from the outside. And you know, the advice to remember to be as interested and flirty as she is isn't a bad idea either. Good luck.
posted by lemniskate at 11:45 AM on January 2, 2011
posted by lemniskate at 11:45 AM on January 2, 2011
And you know, the advice to remember to be as interested and flirty as she is isn't a bad idea either.
I think it's really strange and unfortunate for anonymous, who's in a committed monogamous relationship with this guy, to be expected to deal with this problem by competing with the other woman's flirtiness. I understand the point that they shouldn't be acting like an old married couple --- but that's a different problem altogether. Dealing with a perceived threat of infidelity by ramping up your own seductiveness/flirtiness/etc seems like an unsustainable, superficial and unsatisfactory way of dealing with this problem.
posted by jayder at 11:57 AM on January 2, 2011 [7 favorites]
I think it's really strange and unfortunate for anonymous, who's in a committed monogamous relationship with this guy, to be expected to deal with this problem by competing with the other woman's flirtiness. I understand the point that they shouldn't be acting like an old married couple --- but that's a different problem altogether. Dealing with a perceived threat of infidelity by ramping up your own seductiveness/flirtiness/etc seems like an unsustainable, superficial and unsatisfactory way of dealing with this problem.
posted by jayder at 11:57 AM on January 2, 2011 [7 favorites]
Not just because you would only comment a lot on the posts of someone you have a crush on, but because if you didn't have a crush on them, you might think about how often you're commenting and tone it down so it doesn't seem that way.
That simply isn't true.
I can't say whether or not he's cheating, or open to the idea, but I think if he had designs on her, he probably would not be saying, "Oh, you'd love her!" Maybe some guys strategically play up their mistresses as a deflection-of-suspicion tactic, but I think a far more typical reaction among the guilty would be to downplay the other party and take their conversations to a private arena. In fact, I would be more worried if he STOPPED talking about her, she disappeared from his feed, etc.
posted by mreleganza at 2:49 PM on January 2, 2011
That simply isn't true.
I can't say whether or not he's cheating, or open to the idea, but I think if he had designs on her, he probably would not be saying, "Oh, you'd love her!" Maybe some guys strategically play up their mistresses as a deflection-of-suspicion tactic, but I think a far more typical reaction among the guilty would be to downplay the other party and take their conversations to a private arena. In fact, I would be more worried if he STOPPED talking about her, she disappeared from his feed, etc.
posted by mreleganza at 2:49 PM on January 2, 2011
I think if he had designs on her, he probably would not be saying, "Oh, you'd love her!"
I don't know ... it seems like saying "oh, you'd love her" is not really playing her up, but is a rather ham-handed way of trying to depict her as not a threat. Like, "you two could totally be friends."
I think sometimes guys, when they are in a relationship with one woman, a supposedly platonic relationship with another woman can be just the ego-stroking the guy needs. He's in one relationship -- i.e., the thrill of pursuit is no longer alive with the woman he's committed to -- and so this "platonic" relationship, in which another woman lavishes attention on him, feeds some primal need for the chase. He may be denying, to HIMSELF as well as to his girlfriend, that there's any potential for anything else ... but as some of the anecdotes in this thread convey, men will often deny that this "wonderful female friend" is anything but platonic, and then they end up sleeping with her.
The "oh you'd love her" may be the sound of the guy desperately denying to himself that anything nefarious is going on.
posted by jayder at 3:51 PM on January 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
I don't know ... it seems like saying "oh, you'd love her" is not really playing her up, but is a rather ham-handed way of trying to depict her as not a threat. Like, "you two could totally be friends."
I think sometimes guys, when they are in a relationship with one woman, a supposedly platonic relationship with another woman can be just the ego-stroking the guy needs. He's in one relationship -- i.e., the thrill of pursuit is no longer alive with the woman he's committed to -- and so this "platonic" relationship, in which another woman lavishes attention on him, feeds some primal need for the chase. He may be denying, to HIMSELF as well as to his girlfriend, that there's any potential for anything else ... but as some of the anecdotes in this thread convey, men will often deny that this "wonderful female friend" is anything but platonic, and then they end up sleeping with her.
The "oh you'd love her" may be the sound of the guy desperately denying to himself that anything nefarious is going on.
posted by jayder at 3:51 PM on January 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
It's bothering you a lot, so I think you should talk to him has calmly as possible. Let him know that this chick's online behavior is bothering you and you're feeling a little insecure. Personally, I wouldn't worry about it unless I came across something more substantial than wall messages and status update comments, like suggestive messages, pictures, or lying about his whereabouts.
Chances are, the attention from this woman makes him feel good and that's about it. If he wasn't ever talking about you or mentioning you to her, then I'd be worried (I always find it skeevy when guys don't mention their girlfriends). And I think that if he really had serious designs on her, no way he'd want you two to be friends--I think he'd be hiding her comments and actions as much as possible.
posted by smirkette at 4:06 PM on January 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
Chances are, the attention from this woman makes him feel good and that's about it. If he wasn't ever talking about you or mentioning you to her, then I'd be worried (I always find it skeevy when guys don't mention their girlfriends). And I think that if he really had serious designs on her, no way he'd want you two to be friends--I think he'd be hiding her comments and actions as much as possible.
posted by smirkette at 4:06 PM on January 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
Through the wonders of social media (facebook and other sites) they have reconnected and this girl just keeps popping up all over his shit. a status like here, shared comments about a post there. he lists me as his girlfriend and references me all the time, but well, you know how it goes.
This is not "trusting him 99%." This isn't even trusting him 50%.
posted by desuetude at 4:44 PM on January 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
This is not "trusting him 99%." This isn't even trusting him 50%.
posted by desuetude at 4:44 PM on January 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
The "oh you'd love her" approach is what my SO would call "hiding in plain sight"
My SO caught me out on a crush on a coworker, before I'd even realised it myself. I was talking about how cool this person was a lot, and when I finally suggested we all go out, the three of us, to lunch one day, he finally came out with his suspicion that I was trying to deny my crush and pretending it was cool by putting my SO in the situation as well so I could hang out with said crush but assert how totally fine it was by being completely open about it. My SO knows me really well (together for 10 years).
Just another perspective. If you're getting vibes and are generally not a jealous person, well there may be something to worry about. Talking to him is a good idea, just to clear the air. Not sure how, but I just wanted to chip in with the idea that this crush/flirtation may be going on and your guy may just be in denial.
posted by scuza at 4:52 PM on January 2, 2011 [4 favorites]
My SO caught me out on a crush on a coworker, before I'd even realised it myself. I was talking about how cool this person was a lot, and when I finally suggested we all go out, the three of us, to lunch one day, he finally came out with his suspicion that I was trying to deny my crush and pretending it was cool by putting my SO in the situation as well so I could hang out with said crush but assert how totally fine it was by being completely open about it. My SO knows me really well (together for 10 years).
Just another perspective. If you're getting vibes and are generally not a jealous person, well there may be something to worry about. Talking to him is a good idea, just to clear the air. Not sure how, but I just wanted to chip in with the idea that this crush/flirtation may be going on and your guy may just be in denial.
posted by scuza at 4:52 PM on January 2, 2011 [4 favorites]
There's no abstract standard of "how to behave" with single friends of the gender(s) you find attractive in a relationship.
So you need to talk with him about what is bugging you about this. Don't expect him to read your mind, because that's not how it works.
posted by Sidhedevil at 6:05 PM on January 2, 2011
So you need to talk with him about what is bugging you about this. Don't expect him to read your mind, because that's not how it works.
posted by Sidhedevil at 6:05 PM on January 2, 2011
I've heard my then-boyfriend talk about how cool this one girl in his band was, point out all the cool stuff she posted on his myspace page (this was back in the myspace days), tell me he wouldn't want to be with any girl other than me, and ask me to come to their band practice, as if to try to show me that she wasn't a threat. Then he broke up with me out of nowhere and started dating her less than a month later. Similar things have happened to my friends. Unfortunately our intuitions are usually right. That sickening feeling in your gut where you know something is wrong is usually correct.
Talk to him, hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst. I think people get really excited with any new crush, but it's only bad if they encourage it and let it continue. If people realized what was going on and made a decision not to put themselves in a situation where they might be tempted to cheat, a lot of cheating could be avoided. He might not realize that this situation could lead to trouble, so pointing it out to him could make things good again, if he truly wants to be with you. Or, he could deny everything and claim he has no feelings for her, and continue talking to her, in which case all you can really do is wait and see whether or not it's really nothing.
It's sort of unreasonable to ask him to stop talking to someone on facebook. Besides, most people want to do the opposite when told "no." But if he really cares for you, it's not unreasonable that once he sees that this worries you, he will stop encouraging her and will talk to her less, on his own. Especially if she was just some acquaintance and this isn't a long friendship that he would have to end.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 7:13 PM on January 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
Talk to him, hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst. I think people get really excited with any new crush, but it's only bad if they encourage it and let it continue. If people realized what was going on and made a decision not to put themselves in a situation where they might be tempted to cheat, a lot of cheating could be avoided. He might not realize that this situation could lead to trouble, so pointing it out to him could make things good again, if he truly wants to be with you. Or, he could deny everything and claim he has no feelings for her, and continue talking to her, in which case all you can really do is wait and see whether or not it's really nothing.
It's sort of unreasonable to ask him to stop talking to someone on facebook. Besides, most people want to do the opposite when told "no." But if he really cares for you, it's not unreasonable that once he sees that this worries you, he will stop encouraging her and will talk to her less, on his own. Especially if she was just some acquaintance and this isn't a long friendship that he would have to end.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 7:13 PM on January 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
Dealing with a perceived threat of infidelity by ramping up your own seductiveness/flirtiness/etc seems like an unsustainable, superficial and unsatisfactory way of dealing with this problem.
Can't agree. If your man isn't worth fighting for, why are you there?
posted by Ideefixe at 8:30 PM on January 2, 2011
Can't agree. If your man isn't worth fighting for, why are you there?
posted by Ideefixe at 8:30 PM on January 2, 2011
Well, my ex used to tell me how awesome his female JUST friend was, and when I asked if he had feelings for her he got pissy and told me I was being jealous.
Yep, me too. Except in my case, when I was much younger and more trusting and innocent, it didn't even occur to me to be jealous or worry about anything, I only noted that he talked about her so much. It was when he accused me of jealousy in reply that I started to think it was weird.
I think there are a lot of people, who, when they have a big crush on someone, have the urge to talk about that person a LOT, even go on and on about them. Part of the whole fixation thing. And if your partner is the person you talk to the most, or maybe the only person you talk to, I could totally see mentioning your crush to your partner, just to satisfy that urge to talk about your crush. Of course, your partner would wonder why you keep telling them about this person, so you'd have to do what the OP's boyfriend is doing - act like you're talking about the crush for your partner's sake. "You'd like her."
posted by Ashley801 at 10:11 PM on January 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
Yep, me too. Except in my case, when I was much younger and more trusting and innocent, it didn't even occur to me to be jealous or worry about anything, I only noted that he talked about her so much. It was when he accused me of jealousy in reply that I started to think it was weird.
I think there are a lot of people, who, when they have a big crush on someone, have the urge to talk about that person a LOT, even go on and on about them. Part of the whole fixation thing. And if your partner is the person you talk to the most, or maybe the only person you talk to, I could totally see mentioning your crush to your partner, just to satisfy that urge to talk about your crush. Of course, your partner would wonder why you keep telling them about this person, so you'd have to do what the OP's boyfriend is doing - act like you're talking about the crush for your partner's sake. "You'd like her."
posted by Ashley801 at 10:11 PM on January 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
- he mentions her by name, fondly, whenever she comments on something (e.g. 'oh, claire, she liked my status, you would really like claire, she's awesome), he NEVER does this about any other girls or facebook activity - i've never asked about her, he just volunteers it.
Claire probably reminds him of a part of his life that's past, that's before You. There are probably some happy memories there that he likes to reminisce on that he can't with you because you weren't there. By mentioning Claire to you, it might be him wanting to involve you in a part of his life that you were never apart of before.
If I were you, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and take him up on the offer to meet her. His reaction should be a good indication of what's going on.
hile the above nonsense is in out past and we've moved on (i think?),
I don't think you're over it because of the anxiety you're going through now. It's okay to feel this way. Just because you guys talked about it in the past and you were 'okay' with it then doesn't mean that you can't be okay with it now.
Talk to him about this. Who is Claire? What is their past? Why does he bring her up more often than other girls? (Does he really, or are you amplifying it because you feel especially threatened by her?) Etc etc, anything else you want to know about Claire. If he's worth keeping around, he'll answer all your questions and reassure you that Claire is exactly who he says she is, a friend. The rest is then up to whether you trust him or not. That's another issue to tackle.
If he dismisses your concerns (tells you to stop being jealous, etc) then you need to re-evaluate how much he respects you and your feelings in the relationship.
Good luck with everything.
posted by p1nkdaisy at 7:36 AM on January 3, 2011
Claire probably reminds him of a part of his life that's past, that's before You. There are probably some happy memories there that he likes to reminisce on that he can't with you because you weren't there. By mentioning Claire to you, it might be him wanting to involve you in a part of his life that you were never apart of before.
If I were you, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and take him up on the offer to meet her. His reaction should be a good indication of what's going on.
hile the above nonsense is in out past and we've moved on (i think?),
I don't think you're over it because of the anxiety you're going through now. It's okay to feel this way. Just because you guys talked about it in the past and you were 'okay' with it then doesn't mean that you can't be okay with it now.
Talk to him about this. Who is Claire? What is their past? Why does he bring her up more often than other girls? (Does he really, or are you amplifying it because you feel especially threatened by her?) Etc etc, anything else you want to know about Claire. If he's worth keeping around, he'll answer all your questions and reassure you that Claire is exactly who he says she is, a friend. The rest is then up to whether you trust him or not. That's another issue to tackle.
If he dismisses your concerns (tells you to stop being jealous, etc) then you need to re-evaluate how much he respects you and your feelings in the relationship.
Good luck with everything.
posted by p1nkdaisy at 7:36 AM on January 3, 2011
Can't agree. If your man isn't worth fighting for, why are you there?
They're in a committed relationship. Isn't the point of that that she doesn't have to fight for her man anymore? There's no indication in the question that she is less-than-satisfactory for her boyfriend.
posted by jayder at 10:55 AM on January 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
They're in a committed relationship. Isn't the point of that that she doesn't have to fight for her man anymore? There's no indication in the question that she is less-than-satisfactory for her boyfriend.
posted by jayder at 10:55 AM on January 3, 2011 [1 favorite]
Nothing you mention sends up red flags for me -- pretty typical stuff that doesn't seem (at least from what you say here) to warrant suspicion on your part. (But that doesn't mean he's not fucking her.(
Talk to him. Let him know how you feel. Then let him deal with it the way he sees fit.
posted by coolguymichael at 1:01 PM on January 3, 2011
Talk to him. Let him know how you feel. Then let him deal with it the way he sees fit.
posted by coolguymichael at 1:01 PM on January 3, 2011
Say you tell him what you've told us:
1) What do you want him to say? Will you believe him?
2) What you want him to do? Your evidence seems to be a lot more about his past behavior and his general character than any specific behaviors that you'd like him to change.
What would fix this and make you not jealous? He's not hiding your status in his life...is he giving Claire some other type of attention that you think is rightly owed to you as the girlfriend?
posted by desuetude at 1:37 PM on January 3, 2011
1) What do you want him to say? Will you believe him?
2) What you want him to do? Your evidence seems to be a lot more about his past behavior and his general character than any specific behaviors that you'd like him to change.
What would fix this and make you not jealous? He's not hiding your status in his life...is he giving Claire some other type of attention that you think is rightly owed to you as the girlfriend?
posted by desuetude at 1:37 PM on January 3, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
Next time he says "you would really like Claire", why don't you say "cool, let's go for a drink!" -- maybe she's got a boyfriend who is equally awesome and you have absolutely nothing to worry about. If he's suddenly more cagey, then maybe you have something to worry about. But you can't in 2011 freak out every time your partner has a friend of the opposite sex. I'm sorry, you just can't.
posted by modernnomad at 6:36 AM on January 2, 2011 [27 favorites]