Six Months til D-Day.
December 30, 2010 7:11 AM Subscribe
Getting Divorced. No money. No job. SO is generous enough to give me 6 mos. before I have to leave the house. Freaking out. What are the most productive actions I can take?
Without going into details, we moved to a new city where one of us had work (not me) things haven't gone well and SO and I have decided to get divorced. It seems, for now, that this will be "relatively" amicable. I have been told in no uncertain terms however that 6 mos. is the limit I can stay in our house and after that it's the homeless shelter.
Junk email for further questions: sixmonthsleft@gmail.com
Without going into details, we moved to a new city where one of us had work (not me) things haven't gone well and SO and I have decided to get divorced. It seems, for now, that this will be "relatively" amicable. I have been told in no uncertain terms however that 6 mos. is the limit I can stay in our house and after that it's the homeless shelter.
Junk email for further questions: sixmonthsleft@gmail.com
Contact family and friends and see if they can put up you up for a bit. That way you have some place to fall back to. It would be a lot easier mentally if you moved out as quick as you could
If you're staying in the same house, dust off your resume and hit the streets. If you have to, get a part time job, doing whatever, so you have some money coming in while you look for work in your chosen profession. Eat cheaply and SAVE SAVE SAVE.
Sleep on the couch/other room/ etc. Do not go out with the SO or other couple like things, such as walking around naked, having sex, etc, etc. Your only goal is get on your own feet without screwing yourself up emotional or mentally by falling back into couple like patterns.
posted by nomadicink at 7:22 AM on December 30, 2010
If you're staying in the same house, dust off your resume and hit the streets. If you have to, get a part time job, doing whatever, so you have some money coming in while you look for work in your chosen profession. Eat cheaply and SAVE SAVE SAVE.
Sleep on the couch/other room/ etc. Do not go out with the SO or other couple like things, such as walking around naked, having sex, etc, etc. Your only goal is get on your own feet without screwing yourself up emotional or mentally by falling back into couple like patterns.
posted by nomadicink at 7:22 AM on December 30, 2010
Once you've decided where you are going to live, you need to get a job. If you are staying where you are, that means pretty much any job. You can't be picky right now. If you're moving back to your former community, you need to contact people there. Whether you move back and then job search, or search from where you are now and go back for interviews, is dependent upon distance and the generosity of your family and friends. Whatever you do, you have to work very hard at getting yourself independent as quickly as possible. People are happy to help someone who is busting theire butt to find work and find their own place.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 7:29 AM on December 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 7:29 AM on December 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
Okay... one of JulThumbscrew's top divorce maxims - besides "never badmouth the other party to the kids" - is "never, ever, EVER trust your soon-to-be-ex's estimation of what you can/should get in terms of material/financial stuff".
That is exactly what I did. I thought it was the only way to keep things amicable - by agreeing to all of his terms. If you did that when dealing with a used car salesman, it wouldn't be called "keeping it amicable" - it would be called "getting screwed, violently, sans any personal lubricant".
Friendliness and fairness are NOT mutually exclusive. And if you have to sacrifice one for the other, you never REALLY had either, so there's no great loss on insisting on some modicum of both.
Please... before your assets are severed... speak with a lawyer.
posted by julthumbscrew at 7:36 AM on December 30, 2010 [12 favorites]
That is exactly what I did. I thought it was the only way to keep things amicable - by agreeing to all of his terms. If you did that when dealing with a used car salesman, it wouldn't be called "keeping it amicable" - it would be called "getting screwed, violently, sans any personal lubricant".
Friendliness and fairness are NOT mutually exclusive. And if you have to sacrifice one for the other, you never REALLY had either, so there's no great loss on insisting on some modicum of both.
Please... before your assets are severed... speak with a lawyer.
posted by julthumbscrew at 7:36 AM on December 30, 2010 [12 favorites]
Your SO is not necessarily being generous. Step 1 is talking to a divorce lawyer.
posted by empath at 7:52 AM on December 30, 2010 [6 favorites]
posted by empath at 7:52 AM on December 30, 2010 [6 favorites]
Your SO is not necessarily being generous. Step 1 is talking to a divorce lawyer.
This.
I wish you'd included some details - for instance: are you male or female? Have you worked in the past? Who is the primary wage earner in your home? How long were you married? Own the home, or rent?
Its very possible that you are eligible for spousal support - yes, even if you're male. If you own the house its a "marital asset" and you're likely entitled to a percentage of its value.
pineapple is correct about the urgent decision in front of you. I would also caution you, however, that being the one to leave the house may (although its less likely with no kids in the picture) have an impact on how the final divorce decree shakes out.
Bottom line: Talk to an attorney. A consultation should be free. Know your rights.
posted by anastasiav at 8:08 AM on December 30, 2010 [11 favorites]
This.
I wish you'd included some details - for instance: are you male or female? Have you worked in the past? Who is the primary wage earner in your home? How long were you married? Own the home, or rent?
Its very possible that you are eligible for spousal support - yes, even if you're male. If you own the house its a "marital asset" and you're likely entitled to a percentage of its value.
pineapple is correct about the urgent decision in front of you. I would also caution you, however, that being the one to leave the house may (although its less likely with no kids in the picture) have an impact on how the final divorce decree shakes out.
Bottom line: Talk to an attorney. A consultation should be free. Know your rights.
posted by anastasiav at 8:08 AM on December 30, 2010 [11 favorites]
Did you guys BUY this new house while being together? I would definately talk to a divorce lawyer.
Sounds like your SO is trying to screw you out of what is rightfully yours.
He cannot just kick you out of a house you both bought together.
posted by majortom1981 at 8:20 AM on December 30, 2010 [3 favorites]
Sounds like your SO is trying to screw you out of what is rightfully yours.
He cannot just kick you out of a house you both bought together.
posted by majortom1981 at 8:20 AM on December 30, 2010 [3 favorites]
I'm guessing that if you had any family or decent friends, you wouldn't be talking homeless shelter. If you do have family or friends, now's the time (NOW, not six months from now) to swallow pride and ask for their help. If you really have no resources here or anywhere, you may be eligible for assistance from some local helper organizations. I'd contact social services (NOW, not six months from now) and find out about your options, especially with regard to legal assistance. Yes, you need a job, and yes, you need a lawyer, because as julthumbscrew pointed out, you can't necessarily trust your SO to treat you fairly or even keep their word on the six months thing. Protect yourself. Don't make the same mistake so many of us have made, and trust that your soon-to-be-ex-partner who has the upper hand and is holding all the cards is going to do the right thing.
posted by Gator at 8:22 AM on December 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Gator at 8:22 AM on December 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
I suggest that you talk to a divorce lawyer before you take another step. I don't know that I'd tell my spouse that until it was done and I'd put some things in motion.
Then decide what city you want to live in and what support you have.
posted by mrs. taters at 8:23 AM on December 30, 2010
Then decide what city you want to live in and what support you have.
posted by mrs. taters at 8:23 AM on December 30, 2010
Lawyer. Don't sign anything or agree to anything before talking with a (good, well-recommended, etc) lawyer. No matter how amicable things seem, don't share a lawyer with your spouse, either. Getting a lawyer isn't the same as announcing that you are intending to screw the other person for everything they are worth; it's just the basic step in making sure you are protected and know your rights and options.
posted by Forktine at 8:23 AM on December 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Forktine at 8:23 AM on December 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
I assume you are in the US but I can tell you that in the UK your spouse would not have the legal right to throw you out of the marital home. If you are married you are entitled to one half of everything s/he owns and s/he is entitled to one half of everything you own.
Yes, I have been through this and I was in your position - the non-working half of the marriage.
Do not take any crap from your other half, who is most certainly not being in any way "generous". S/he is threatening to throw you out of a home you have a 50% right to. He needs a serious reality check. Get a lawyer to give him one. You will not be going homeless.
posted by Decani at 8:25 AM on December 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
Yes, I have been through this and I was in your position - the non-working half of the marriage.
Do not take any crap from your other half, who is most certainly not being in any way "generous". S/he is threatening to throw you out of a home you have a 50% right to. He needs a serious reality check. Get a lawyer to give him one. You will not be going homeless.
posted by Decani at 8:25 AM on December 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
Talk to a lawyer! Your SO does not get to decide who gets the house, etc. You may be entitled to spousal support. The court may decide that SO has to pay for your attorney costs. Get a FREE legal consultation before you do anything else.
Just because your SO says something doesn't make it true or correct. As a matter of fact, it sounds like bullying to me.
posted by MexicanYenta at 8:25 AM on December 30, 2010 [5 favorites]
Just because your SO says something doesn't make it true or correct. As a matter of fact, it sounds like bullying to me.
posted by MexicanYenta at 8:25 AM on December 30, 2010 [5 favorites]
Uh... I see I started assuming you're female at the end there. Sorry about that.
posted by Decani at 8:26 AM on December 30, 2010
posted by Decani at 8:26 AM on December 30, 2010
He cannot just kick you out of a house you both bought together.
your spouse would not have the legal right to throw you out of the marital home
etc.
I would just like to point out that what is legal and what people actually do and get away with are often two very different things, particularly when there are such things as "no lawyer," "no money," "community property," "false allegations," and other fun little water-muddying issues at play. OP, some of us have learned the hard way that impotently shrieking, "But they can't DO that!" doesn't actually get you anywhere, hence the absolute need to get help NOW, regardless of your desire to keep things amicable.
posted by Gator at 8:30 AM on December 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
your spouse would not have the legal right to throw you out of the marital home
etc.
I would just like to point out that what is legal and what people actually do and get away with are often two very different things, particularly when there are such things as "no lawyer," "no money," "community property," "false allegations," and other fun little water-muddying issues at play. OP, some of us have learned the hard way that impotently shrieking, "But they can't DO that!" doesn't actually get you anywhere, hence the absolute need to get help NOW, regardless of your desire to keep things amicable.
posted by Gator at 8:30 AM on December 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
Nthing the get a lawyer ASAP part. My friend started out with an "amicable" divorce with her "generous" spouse and he suddenly (as soon as his new girlfriend started pressuring him) changed just about everything they had agreed upon re their divorce. She had never worked, he had always supported her very, very well, and when they first started talking divorce (his choice because of the new girlfriend) he was willing to give her everything. Pretty soon she was served with divorce papers that would have left her destitute (like your spouse, hers thought she could go from housewife to fully employed at a high wage earning job in six months) and homeless. Needless to say, her lawyer is now dragging his ass through court and I'm sure the judge will force him to be just an generous as he first promised to be.
posted by MsKim at 8:33 AM on December 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by MsKim at 8:33 AM on December 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
Lawyer up and make sure it is the best lawyer your SO can afford. Seriously, ditching your spouse in a homeless shelter is dick. Yo are not in a good frame of mind to be your best advocate which is why you need a lawyer.
posted by jadepearl at 8:43 AM on December 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by jadepearl at 8:43 AM on December 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
Ug. Splitting assets and alimony will possibly be beneficial for you. Nthing talk to divorce lawyer -- you should even be able to get a free 1 hour consult.
posted by indigo4963 at 9:24 AM on December 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by indigo4963 at 9:24 AM on December 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
I know from personal experience that it's almost impossible to throw someone out of the house who doesn't want to leave. I tried to throw my abusive boyfriend out of my apartment... get that? MY apartment. He was mooching off of me. His name wasn't on the lease. He simply came to stay the weekend and never left (for four months). He didn't work, didn't contribute a dime to the bills. I told him to leave twice. Twice. But short of physically wrestling him out of the door and changing the locks, there was no way to make him leave. And, on the night I called the cops to have him removed they said, "nothing we can do, he lives here."
If I couldn't toss my psycho ex out, your SO cannot toss you out on your ear. As other have said - get lawyer.
posted by patheral at 9:32 AM on December 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
If I couldn't toss my psycho ex out, your SO cannot toss you out on your ear. As other have said - get lawyer.
posted by patheral at 9:32 AM on December 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
And a little advice on how to get a lawyer ---- if possible, get a referral from people you know and trust who have used a local divorce lawyer, or from a lawyer in another field who can recommend someone (lawyers usually have good referral networks). Contact your local legal aid clinic to see if you qualify for services and to see what helpful information they have on their website. If you don't qualify, they also can provide referrals. Check with the local bar association whether there are any bar complaints against a referred attorney - some may be frivolous, but if there are a lot, it's not who you want for your attorney.
Best of luck - it's a difficult thing to go through.
posted by Sukey Says at 10:32 AM on December 30, 2010
Best of luck - it's a difficult thing to go through.
posted by Sukey Says at 10:32 AM on December 30, 2010
Of course you should get a lawyer. The law is unlikely to work in the way that either you or your spouse think it does. Legal aid is a good idea. In the UK, you might talk to the Citizens Advice Bureaux.
But you're also going to have to find work. Is the new city somewhere you might find a job (any job)? If so, get looking, polish off your resume - ask friends anywhere in the world to help you with that - get together your interview suit. Do you have an alumni network that could help? Any contacts from your previous job(s)? Are there any workforce development programs near you?
If, ideally, you want to move to another city try to work out how much money you'll need to do that and find a way of getting that money together. Be generous in your estimate.
If you want to stay in your current city, when you get a job, start looking for somewhere to live. Without an income you'll find it difficult to get a lease and working out what you can afford.
You probably have more friends than you think you do - ask for help, and take it up when offered.
posted by plonkee at 10:50 AM on December 30, 2010
But you're also going to have to find work. Is the new city somewhere you might find a job (any job)? If so, get looking, polish off your resume - ask friends anywhere in the world to help you with that - get together your interview suit. Do you have an alumni network that could help? Any contacts from your previous job(s)? Are there any workforce development programs near you?
If, ideally, you want to move to another city try to work out how much money you'll need to do that and find a way of getting that money together. Be generous in your estimate.
If you want to stay in your current city, when you get a job, start looking for somewhere to live. Without an income you'll find it difficult to get a lease and working out what you can afford.
You probably have more friends than you think you do - ask for help, and take it up when offered.
posted by plonkee at 10:50 AM on December 30, 2010
I don't know where you live or what your gender is, but I once found an excellent divorce lawyer by getting a referral from the branch of NOW - the National Organization for Women - in my city. (In this instance, I would call and talk to a real live person, rather than look online.)
posted by MexicanYenta at 11:02 AM on December 30, 2010
posted by MexicanYenta at 11:02 AM on December 30, 2010
I am the last person who would recommend a divorce lawyer (see my previous comments), but in your case, it seems like a no-brainer. You need to talk to a lawyer before you do anything else. In case it's not obvious to you, do not tell your spouse.
And remember that just talking to a lawyer doesn't mean you have to use the lawyer. Just find out what your rights are in your state, under your specific circumstances, and what that attorney (I'd consult two or three, probably) guesses you could actually walk away with knowing your locality's precedents, the judges involved, etc.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 11:41 AM on December 30, 2010
And remember that just talking to a lawyer doesn't mean you have to use the lawyer. Just find out what your rights are in your state, under your specific circumstances, and what that attorney (I'd consult two or three, probably) guesses you could actually walk away with knowing your locality's precedents, the judges involved, etc.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 11:41 AM on December 30, 2010
I assume you are in the US but I can tell you that in the UK your spouse would not have the legal right to throw you out of the marital home. If you are married you are entitled to one half of everything s/he owns and s/he is entitled to one half of everything you own.
This is incorrect as Non matrimonial assets are not automatically shared, although The parties' matrimonial home, even if this was brought into the marriage at the outset by one of the parties, usually has a central place in any marriage. So it should normally be treated as matrimonial property for this purpose.
posted by JonB at 12:34 PM on December 30, 2010
This is incorrect as Non matrimonial assets are not automatically shared, although The parties' matrimonial home, even if this was brought into the marriage at the outset by one of the parties, usually has a central place in any marriage. So it should normally be treated as matrimonial property for this purpose.
posted by JonB at 12:34 PM on December 30, 2010
A couple more things that I have learned from my friend's divorces--don't move out, don't leave your kids with him and move out (there's something about abandonment if you do this that can work against you), don't get a job until after you talk to a lawyer (something about how your income is calculated, for some reason my friend's lawyer said NOT to work because it would make her case weaker re alimony), call around to lawyers in different fields for divorce lawyer referrals (I knew a probate lawyer and a corporate lawyer and they both recommended the same set of divorce lawyers for a friend so I figured if they both came up with the same people as the "best" lawyers, it was good). Don't try for a quickie divorce just to get it over with, make sure you take your time and work out all of the details. Consider things like health insurance, his retirement pensions, and other things that you may get an interest in. A good divorce lawyer is worth a big retainer fee if there is a good probability that you will get even more than what you pay in the settlement. If you and the spouse are both dead broke, you probably won't get much of anything out of the divorce. My friend put together a reasonable plan to get an education (GED, tow year college program stretched out to three years) so that she could show the judge she wanted to improve herself but that the husband would need to keep supporting her until she completed her education and got a job.
posted by MsKim at 12:56 PM on December 30, 2010
posted by MsKim at 12:56 PM on December 30, 2010
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Staying in new city means saving enough money in six months that you can move out on your own and support your immediate ongoing living expenses: rent, utilities, transportation, food.
Moving home (ideally to stay temporarily with friends or family) seems like the more sustainable decision.
Every other decision stems down from this first one.
posted by pineapple at 7:16 AM on December 30, 2010 [3 favorites]