How to tell a date to tone down the cologne?
December 24, 2010 6:26 PM Subscribe
Help me find a nice/funny/not insane way to tell a guy I just started seeing that he's wearing too much cologne for me. Maybe I'm like this previous asker, but I find myself thinking things like, "ok, I'll sleep with him once and THEN tell him," which I know is kind of crazy. (Mostly because I'd rather not smell his cologne on my sheets for weeks after.) Is it ok to tell someone you just met that your lizard brain would like him a LOT better if he toned down the artificial scenting? I'm gay, if that matters, but any relevant experience or advice is welcome. Have you ever dealt with this situation successfully?
Ideally, he'd not wear any cologne at all. I like him well enough right now, but this is coming embarrassingly close to a dealbreaker and I'd like to not have that be so important.
Ideally, he'd not wear any cologne at all. I like him well enough right now, but this is coming embarrassingly close to a dealbreaker and I'd like to not have that be so important.
The next time you see each other, wrap your arms around the guy and say, "Babe, I gotta tell you... You smell great, but I can smell you before I even see you. Don't be afraid to use less cologne. You'll be just as attractive, if not more so." And then smooch him.
posted by patronuscharms at 6:30 PM on December 24, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by patronuscharms at 6:30 PM on December 24, 2010 [3 favorites]
"I hate to say this, but I'm really super-sensitive to cologne; it gives me a terrible headache (or whatever). I'd love to get closer...would you mind if I asked you to go cologne-free when we see one another?"
posted by xingcat at 6:31 PM on December 24, 2010 [8 favorites]
posted by xingcat at 6:31 PM on December 24, 2010 [8 favorites]
(Mostly because I'd rather not smell his cologne on my sheets for weeks after.)
"Hey babe...I'd rather not smell your cologne on my sheets for weeks after, and for some reason I'm averse to washing them frequently. Can you help me out?"
posted by AkzidenzGrotesk at 7:13 PM on December 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
"Hey babe...I'd rather not smell your cologne on my sheets for weeks after, and for some reason I'm averse to washing them frequently. Can you help me out?"
posted by AkzidenzGrotesk at 7:13 PM on December 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
Oh, jeez, make it a flirtation. "You know, I kinda enjoy the cologne you're wearing, but I'd really like to know your natural scent." I'm sure you can think of something better.
Also, in situations like this I ask myself, WWCGD? What would Cary Grant Do?
posted by snsranch at 7:14 PM on December 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
Also, in situations like this I ask myself, WWCGD? What would Cary Grant Do?
posted by snsranch at 7:14 PM on December 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
There might be a better way, but I would have no problem at all with being asked, "Hey, can you dial down the cologne? I'm overly sensitive to that."
posted by J. Wilson at 7:23 PM on December 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by J. Wilson at 7:23 PM on December 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
Just blurt it out. That says you think he's a smart, tasteful dude who's screwed up.
When people beat around the bush and point out flaws as if they're stepping on eggshells, it gives me a real chill, leaving me feeling as if I've done something horribly wrong or I seem super touchy or something really "serious".
If he walked out of the bathroom with his fly open, would you sit down and have a serious talk with him about it? Would you devise clever distracting ways to break the news? Any of that stuff would make him feel like a shmuck for whom the fly issue must have just been icing on the cake. Telling him to zip his damned fly with a smirk says that he's cool but screwed up and it's no biggie.
That's just me....
posted by Quisp Lover at 8:00 PM on December 24, 2010 [21 favorites]
When people beat around the bush and point out flaws as if they're stepping on eggshells, it gives me a real chill, leaving me feeling as if I've done something horribly wrong or I seem super touchy or something really "serious".
If he walked out of the bathroom with his fly open, would you sit down and have a serious talk with him about it? Would you devise clever distracting ways to break the news? Any of that stuff would make him feel like a shmuck for whom the fly issue must have just been icing on the cake. Telling him to zip his damned fly with a smirk says that he's cool but screwed up and it's no biggie.
That's just me....
posted by Quisp Lover at 8:00 PM on December 24, 2010 [21 favorites]
I'm inclined to side with J. Wilson and Quisp Lover. The more the request sounds like something spontaneous, and the less like something you've had to come to AskMe for advice on a snappy one-liner, the better.
So 'Bob, this is a bit awkward for me, but would you mind wearing a lot less cologne next time? I'm finding it a bit strong.' should be fine. Maybe follow it up with 'The rest of you is great, though' or something, to end on a positive.
This might be easier just before saying good night, so he won't be feeling like the proverbial "tart's handbag" for the rest of the date.
posted by le morte de bea arthur at 8:23 PM on December 24, 2010 [3 favorites]
So 'Bob, this is a bit awkward for me, but would you mind wearing a lot less cologne next time? I'm finding it a bit strong.' should be fine. Maybe follow it up with 'The rest of you is great, though' or something, to end on a positive.
This might be easier just before saying good night, so he won't be feeling like the proverbial "tart's handbag" for the rest of the date.
posted by le morte de bea arthur at 8:23 PM on December 24, 2010 [3 favorites]
I agree with all of the previous comments, but I'm also wondering, how many dates have you guys been on so far? If the relationship's still in the very early stages, perhaps he's overdoing it right now, trying to impress you, and he'll tone it down on his own accord as he gets more comfortable just being himself.
posted by estlin at 9:50 PM on December 24, 2010
posted by estlin at 9:50 PM on December 24, 2010
try to work in the phrase "natural man musk"
posted by sarastro at 10:13 PM on December 24, 2010 [9 favorites]
posted by sarastro at 10:13 PM on December 24, 2010 [9 favorites]
When people beat around the bush and point out flaws as if they're stepping on eggshells, it gives me a real chill, leaving me feeling as if I've done something horribly wrong or I seem super touchy or something really "serious".
Exactly.
There are a lot of these AskMe threads — "how do I tell someone that ___?" — and the answer is almost always to just tell them like you told us. But we still have to give you our cute, clever ways to lead up to or hint at the point. The more you work yourself up trying to memorize the perfect phrasing (courtesy of Metafilter), the more it'll seem like you're really worried he'll be offended.
Whenever anyone has prefaced their criticism of me with "You're wonderful in so many ways, but......" I just think, "Great, you're clearly about to criticize me, but now you've also let me know that your praise for me is a facade." Real human interactions can't be surgically manipulated the way one might think from reading Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People.
posted by John Cohen at 10:25 PM on December 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
Exactly.
There are a lot of these AskMe threads — "how do I tell someone that ___?" — and the answer is almost always to just tell them like you told us. But we still have to give you our cute, clever ways to lead up to or hint at the point. The more you work yourself up trying to memorize the perfect phrasing (courtesy of Metafilter), the more it'll seem like you're really worried he'll be offended.
Whenever anyone has prefaced their criticism of me with "You're wonderful in so many ways, but......" I just think, "Great, you're clearly about to criticize me, but now you've also let me know that your praise for me is a facade." Real human interactions can't be surgically manipulated the way one might think from reading Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People.
posted by John Cohen at 10:25 PM on December 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
Sell it as a positive. Lots of gay guys are into "man scents," ie, the way a dude smells after the gym, but even if you don't want to go that far, tell him the sexiest scent you can imagine is the way he smells when he steps out of a shower.
posted by roger ackroyd at 10:41 PM on December 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by roger ackroyd at 10:41 PM on December 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
I find the phrase:
I'm not sure how to ask you this...but could you wear less cologne? Yours is nice, but a little overwhelming to me.
....works pretty well. Then you'll have fun times as you get to get close and sniff him after you show him how to spritz the cologne in front of him and dash through it, rather than spritzing it on himself, and then seeing if 1 or 2 spritzes that takes him from nice scented man you want to snuggle to an olfactory "trapped in the Macy's cologne counter zone" variety.
(Oh wait, that was my fun time. But it was pretty fun. Hopefully your guy will take the feedback well too.)
posted by anitanita at 10:51 PM on December 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm not sure how to ask you this...but could you wear less cologne? Yours is nice, but a little overwhelming to me.
....works pretty well. Then you'll have fun times as you get to get close and sniff him after you show him how to spritz the cologne in front of him and dash through it, rather than spritzing it on himself, and then seeing if 1 or 2 spritzes that takes him from nice scented man you want to snuggle to an olfactory "trapped in the Macy's cologne counter zone" variety.
(Oh wait, that was my fun time. But it was pretty fun. Hopefully your guy will take the feedback well too.)
posted by anitanita at 10:51 PM on December 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
Often with these problems I try to not make it about the thing that is bothering you but about what you want.
You don't care for the cologne but what you really want is his natural flavor. So, here is what you do. Take a nice long shower together. When you are done. Go bananas over how he smells. "Oh my. Your cologne is nice, but you smell so good right now." and then fuck the hell out of him.
Men like the carrot better than the stick. Starting off with "your cologne stinks" could make you seem like a jerk or make him feel bad (he was, after all, trying to smell nice for you). Making it clear that "natural smell = hot ass sex" will give him incentive enough to ditch the CK1.
Don't over do it though. You could make him think you are into BO and that could lead to him being turned off or him rubbing your face in his armpits.
posted by munchingzombie at 11:58 PM on December 24, 2010 [6 favorites]
You don't care for the cologne but what you really want is his natural flavor. So, here is what you do. Take a nice long shower together. When you are done. Go bananas over how he smells. "Oh my. Your cologne is nice, but you smell so good right now." and then fuck the hell out of him.
Men like the carrot better than the stick. Starting off with "your cologne stinks" could make you seem like a jerk or make him feel bad (he was, after all, trying to smell nice for you). Making it clear that "natural smell = hot ass sex" will give him incentive enough to ditch the CK1.
Don't over do it though. You could make him think you are into BO and that could lead to him being turned off or him rubbing your face in his armpits.
posted by munchingzombie at 11:58 PM on December 24, 2010 [6 favorites]
I always find Dr. Katz deals with personal embarrassment in fun ways: regarding cologne, see "It Takes Some Getting Used To".
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 12:05 AM on December 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 12:05 AM on December 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
Cough and sneeze a bunch next time you see him, then say something like, "I'm so sorry but your cologne really aggravates my allergies, could you please stop wearing it when you see me? It makes me get so clogged up that I don't feel like kissing."
posted by Jacqueline at 1:57 AM on December 25, 2010
posted by Jacqueline at 1:57 AM on December 25, 2010
Straightforward... "I'm sensitive to perfumes and cologne, could you please not wear it when you're with me?" . And, I would avoid things like "less", "tone it down", "not so much"....that's too subjective...
Truth be told, if you ask him not to and he blows you off, this is not the guy you want to date anyway.
posted by HuronBob at 3:30 AM on December 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
Truth be told, if you ask him not to and he blows you off, this is not the guy you want to date anyway.
posted by HuronBob at 3:30 AM on December 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
I personally don't have a whole lot of experience regarding sex with other guys, but for what it's worth, if a girl said, "I will do you if you stop wearing cologne," I would look her straight in the eye and say, "I will never wear cologne again. Ever." So there's that.
posted by Busoni at 4:04 AM on December 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by Busoni at 4:04 AM on December 25, 2010 [2 favorites]
"What do you smell like under the cologne?" :> *gnaw him*
posted by TrinsicWS at 4:59 AM on December 25, 2010 [5 favorites]
posted by TrinsicWS at 4:59 AM on December 25, 2010 [5 favorites]
I'm not sure how to ask you this...but could you wear less cologne? Yours is nice, but a little overwhelming to me. I'm allergic to most strong scents, and I'd rather be able to sleep in sheets that smell of you without loading up on antihistamines first.
posted by flabdablet at 5:20 AM on December 25, 2010
posted by flabdablet at 5:20 AM on December 25, 2010
Whoops! Missed a strike.
I'm not sure how to ask you this...but could youwear less not wear cologne? Yours is nice, but a little overwhelming to me. I'm allergic to most strong scents, and I'd rather be able to sleep in sheets that smell of you without needing load up on antihistamines until they've been through three or four washes.
posted by flabdablet at 5:22 AM on December 25, 2010
I'm not sure how to ask you this...but could you
posted by flabdablet at 5:22 AM on December 25, 2010
don't confront him yet. early in a relationship, bringing up a grooming issue can be the kiss of death. next time you two exit a crowded space (especially a small crowded space, like an elevator) say, "wow, someone was wearing some strong cologne."
if he says, "i didn't notice it," say, "i'm just really sensitive to perfumes, i guess. it bugs me."
if he says, "but i wear cologne, too. don't you like it?" say, "it's okay, but i like your natural scent better, honestly.."
if he says, "yeah, that was pretty bad," (like, on the off chance someone else really was wearing too much scent) say, "i know. i like people's natural scents so much better than any perfume."
guys aren't great at picking up hints, but maybe he'll pick up on these. if not, then proceed to a direct conversation.
posted by thinkingwoman at 7:28 AM on December 25, 2010
if he says, "i didn't notice it," say, "i'm just really sensitive to perfumes, i guess. it bugs me."
if he says, "but i wear cologne, too. don't you like it?" say, "it's okay, but i like your natural scent better, honestly.."
if he says, "yeah, that was pretty bad," (like, on the off chance someone else really was wearing too much scent) say, "i know. i like people's natural scents so much better than any perfume."
guys aren't great at picking up hints, but maybe he'll pick up on these. if not, then proceed to a direct conversation.
posted by thinkingwoman at 7:28 AM on December 25, 2010
I'd avoid anything that smacks of a script.
If you bring it up later in the relationship, he'll be retroactively embarrassed.
A partner of mine brought up a similar kind of issue with me, and I was much more upset about the hemming and hawing and delicacy and the period of time it took him to bring it up than I was about the actual issue.
No one seems to like the perfume I do.
You don't have to phrase it as a difficult, awkward question. Place it in the realm of "I like it when you don't shave, your beard is nice and fuzzy."
"Hey, can you do something for me? I'm into natural scents, and I'm into you. Can you give the cologne a pass so I can smell you better?"
The second you say "I don't know how to put this" or "this is awkward" or, god help you, wait months for him to pick up on your hints, you are declaring the situation to be awkward and instructing him to be embarrassed.
posted by endless_forms at 9:10 AM on December 25, 2010
If you bring it up later in the relationship, he'll be retroactively embarrassed.
A partner of mine brought up a similar kind of issue with me, and I was much more upset about the hemming and hawing and delicacy and the period of time it took him to bring it up than I was about the actual issue.
No one seems to like the perfume I do.
You don't have to phrase it as a difficult, awkward question. Place it in the realm of "I like it when you don't shave, your beard is nice and fuzzy."
"Hey, can you do something for me? I'm into natural scents, and I'm into you. Can you give the cologne a pass so I can smell you better?"
The second you say "I don't know how to put this" or "this is awkward" or, god help you, wait months for him to pick up on your hints, you are declaring the situation to be awkward and instructing him to be embarrassed.
posted by endless_forms at 9:10 AM on December 25, 2010
There are two things going on: the amount he's wearing and the choice of fragrance. You need to talk about both things. Maybe he's not aware that some fragrances are stronger than others. Maybe he doesn't know that some should be applied with a lighter touch. Mentioning this to him could be something he needs to hear. I would say something like "tell me about that fragrance you are wearing - what is it? ... how many sprays and where? what other fragrances do you have and like to wear?" In other words, don't be opposed to the wearing of fragrances, but discuss the choices he's making and the execution. Fragrances are sexy; talking about them on a date should be fun and kind of hot. Maybe a trip to the fragrance counter to smell samples and share your reactions would be useful. Some fragrances are designed to be low-key with low projection - for guys, those are intended for the office, for example. Other fragrances are overtly sexy and are made to be worn when going to a club or a a hot date. He may have some options that he will let you choose from. You could ask him to apply one spray on the next date, and then you can tell him how strong that was and go from there.
posted by conrad53 at 9:35 AM on December 25, 2010
posted by conrad53 at 9:35 AM on December 25, 2010
I can't believe no one has yet suggested sending him this.
posted by spock at 10:33 AM on December 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by spock at 10:33 AM on December 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
It's not *exactly* clear from your post, but are you already involved in a somewhat sexual relationship with him? My first thought was you could take a shower together, and then tell him "uumm, I love the way you smell / your skin smells / your pheremones, you don't even need cologne!"
posted by vignettist at 12:44 PM on December 25, 2010
posted by vignettist at 12:44 PM on December 25, 2010
I'm going to chime in with the shower idea as well.
The way I see it, if you're at the point where you want to have sex with him, why not surprise him by asking him to join you in the shower. Rather than going overboard about how great he smells without cologne, I'd take a very honest approach. Before getting dressed again, say something like "I'm not really into the smell of cologne. In fact, it's a huge turn off for me... but I really like YOU, and I wanted to know what the real you smells like. And, you know what? I really like it."
posted by 2oh1 at 1:38 PM on December 25, 2010
The way I see it, if you're at the point where you want to have sex with him, why not surprise him by asking him to join you in the shower. Rather than going overboard about how great he smells without cologne, I'd take a very honest approach. Before getting dressed again, say something like "I'm not really into the smell of cologne. In fact, it's a huge turn off for me... but I really like YOU, and I wanted to know what the real you smells like. And, you know what? I really like it."
posted by 2oh1 at 1:38 PM on December 25, 2010
I really don't think it has to be that big of a deal.
Just be like, "Hey, I'm allergic to a lot of scents, so you would you mind not wearing cologne when we're together? It sucks because a lot of times I actually like the smell, but it makes me all headachy."
posted by exceptinsects at 4:43 PM on December 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
Just be like, "Hey, I'm allergic to a lot of scents, so you would you mind not wearing cologne when we're together? It sucks because a lot of times I actually like the smell, but it makes me all headachy."
posted by exceptinsects at 4:43 PM on December 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
I just had this *exact* conversation with a new friend of mine this week, it went as follows:
ME: "This may sound a little weird, but I need to ask a favor. I don't know what it is, but lots of perfumes, colognes, fragrances give me searing headaches. Even scented dryer sheets knock me on my ass. Could you do me a favor and not wear any perfume when you come over? I really want to be able to enjoy our time together. "
HER: "Thank you for the heads up! That must really suck. I'll be sure not to wear any."
Luckily, for me, it's true, so it was genuine. In fact, she shopped at a fragrance-free shop for me 'specially. It doesn't have to be awkward if it's honest.
Also, if there IS a fragrance or smell that you like / can tolerate, mention it. For me, Dr. Bronner's is a smell, though strong, I rather enjoy. She even switched to that for me.
posted by chocolate_butch at 5:36 PM on December 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
ME: "This may sound a little weird, but I need to ask a favor. I don't know what it is, but lots of perfumes, colognes, fragrances give me searing headaches. Even scented dryer sheets knock me on my ass. Could you do me a favor and not wear any perfume when you come over? I really want to be able to enjoy our time together. "
HER: "Thank you for the heads up! That must really suck. I'll be sure not to wear any."
Luckily, for me, it's true, so it was genuine. In fact, she shopped at a fragrance-free shop for me 'specially. It doesn't have to be awkward if it's honest.
Also, if there IS a fragrance or smell that you like / can tolerate, mention it. For me, Dr. Bronner's is a smell, though strong, I rather enjoy. She even switched to that for me.
posted by chocolate_butch at 5:36 PM on December 25, 2010 [1 favorite]
"I like the scent of men. Please don't hide it behind cologne."
I'm gay. I'm sensitive to scents. I've asked before.
All scents are not created equal. Really good cologne for men might not be noticed, or might be enjoyed. Good cologne is very subtle. For reasons I don't comprehend, this seems relatively rare. Life is better without any cologne. :-)
posted by Goofyy at 9:51 AM on December 27, 2010
I'm gay. I'm sensitive to scents. I've asked before.
All scents are not created equal. Really good cologne for men might not be noticed, or might be enjoyed. Good cologne is very subtle. For reasons I don't comprehend, this seems relatively rare. Life is better without any cologne. :-)
posted by Goofyy at 9:51 AM on December 27, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
The trick is: buffer it. "I really like you, etc. etc., but I'm just really sensitive to strong smells, and I'm a little overwhelmed by your cologne. I want to smell YOU, not something you bought at Yonkers. Is that alright?"
posted by Lutoslawski at 6:29 PM on December 24, 2010