It's not that I'm hostile, it's just that I'm indifferent to almost everything. How do I engage with my life again? How do I beat this persistent apathy?
Three things have the capacity to engage me (sometimes), and in no particular order, they are: 1) my dogs, 2) other people, and 3) music.
But even though I care about these (few) things, I have to really push myself to do anything, even things that are supposed to be something I enjoy. Get out of bed, read a book, pet my dogs, see my friends—even if I'm vaguely looking forward to it, I still have to work hard to force
myself to do whatever.
For a better example of the apathy, take the fact that I got all As in my last semester. Well, 2 As and 1 A-. I put in a lot of work, and I should be proud of myself or something, right? But I don't really care
, and it bothers me that I don't care. But no, I'm just ... eh, whatever
. (And it's not that I'm taking classes I have no interest in, I am
interested in these classes, but it's a vague, clinical sort of interest, not a engaged, attracted-to sort of interest. Almost everything in my life is like that.)
How do I realign my heart with my life and feel
things again? How do I re-engage with my life? How do I beat this persistent apathy and stop saying "eh, it doesn't matter" when good things (or bad things!) happen to me?
(I'm currently being treated, in therapy
and with medication
, for depression, dysthymia, PTSD and anxiety disorder NOS. My psychiatrist and therapist both know about this problem and are tinkering with my meds/discussing it with me. And I read these two related questions
but would like some more wisdom from AskMeFi.)