Panic disorder and long-distance breakups.
December 21, 2010 2:08 PM Subscribe
Intense anxiety about breaking up with a needy SO in a long-distance relationship.
posted by anonymous to human relations (15 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
I've been in a long-distance relationship for four months. I've decided I don't want to be in it anymore, but I'm afraid of really hurting him. How can I break up with him over the phone as cleanly or thoughtfully as possible?
He lives a plane trip away and I'm stuck here for the holidays and my job. I don't want to wait and try to hide the fact that I'm not in this the same way he is any longer out of fairness to him. Also don't want to let him down when he's expecting me to come visit him. If it were up to me, I would write him a letter, but I know that's not fair. So I need to do this over the phone.
Nothing dramatic happened here. We aren't going to be in the same place for a few years, and after giving it a good try, I don't think we have a strong enough connection to make it work until then.
For some context, I've felt a lot of pressure in this relationship. He's asked me to quit a job I love and move far away to be with him, changed where he says he's going to live in the next year and frequently gets angry at me when I don't call as much as he'd like. Lots of "do you have any idea how much this hurts?!"-type accusations. He is the type to get angry when I say I can't visit [random weekend that is convenient for him], but never offers to visit himself. He can also be extremely nice and caring, though. I end up really confused.
I ended things once before and he freaked out and ended up screaming that breaking up with him is the worst decision I'll ever make repeatedly while I had a massive panic attack.
I KNOW I should have not gotten back together with him. That was stupid. We are ridiculously compatible in a lot of other ways. However, some very real circumstances about our ability to be together in the future have changed since then. I'm perpetually miserable with the distance and just don't think I can do it. We have no idea when we could be in the same place anymore.
How can I do this without getting into these warped conversations and triggering breakdowns in both of us?