I Give, You Give
December 20, 2010 8:26 AM Subscribe
Gift reciprocation filter: best friend just emailed to ask for my 9 month old son's clothes sizes which I am assuming means she wants to give him clothes for Christmas. Problem: I hadn't planned on her giving him presents and so I didn't get presents for her two little girls. Am I required to give her kids presents if she gives my kid a present?
If so, what in the sam hell do I get a 2.5 yo and a 4 month old on short notice and without breaking the bank?!
If so, what in the sam hell do I get a 2.5 yo and a 4 month old on short notice and without breaking the bank?!
Call her and say, "Let's be the kind of best friends who don't exchange presents because the best present is to lighten each other's load a little at this time of year."
It has worked for me.
posted by aabbbiee at 8:31 AM on December 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
It has worked for me.
posted by aabbbiee at 8:31 AM on December 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Are you sure she's looking to buy your son a gift? Maybe she's thinking she can hand down some clothes, or have you hand down some clothes to her. I think an e-mail telling her your son doesn't need any more clothes is totally fine.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:34 AM on December 20, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:34 AM on December 20, 2010 [4 favorites]
Best answer: If she is in fact planning on giving your baby a gift, I would reciprocate this one year and then, after the holidays, suggest the "let's not do gifts" thing for next year. You aren't *required* to reciprocate, but it certainly adds to the general karma of a friendship.
One thing you could give is a lovely classic picture book for both kids -- it would be a "now" present for the toddler and a "future" present for the infant. Another gift that works for both would be a CD of global lullabies or other good music, like the They Might Be Giants or Ledbelly kids albums, that both little ones can enjoy without making the parents want ear plugs :-).
posted by keener_sounds at 9:01 AM on December 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
One thing you could give is a lovely classic picture book for both kids -- it would be a "now" present for the toddler and a "future" present for the infant. Another gift that works for both would be a CD of global lullabies or other good music, like the They Might Be Giants or Ledbelly kids albums, that both little ones can enjoy without making the parents want ear plugs :-).
posted by keener_sounds at 9:01 AM on December 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
Honestly, my assumption would be that she's thinking of passing on some of the 2.5 y.o. 's clothes. Since she has a kid younger than your son as well, you might head it off by saying something like "oh, since we were just talking about hand-me-downs, I realized I should have thought -- my son's grown out of his size XYZ, can you use those for younger-daughter?"
If she's actually planning on buying your son new clothes, the ball is now in her court to re-explain, but that may also head her off at the pass.
apologies for the mixed metaphors.
posted by endless_forms at 9:12 AM on December 20, 2010
If she's actually planning on buying your son new clothes, the ball is now in her court to re-explain, but that may also head her off at the pass.
apologies for the mixed metaphors.
posted by endless_forms at 9:12 AM on December 20, 2010
I've given lots of gifts without planning on getting anything in return (and then actually didn't get anything in return). A gift is given selflessly and purely for the pleasure of giving, not as a down payment on a reciprocal gift.
An acquaintance should be able to understand that her question comes as a surprise. If she is making an ostentatious claim to some kind of reciprocal relationship, it's probably best to clear up things right now: "I wasn't really thinking about gifts, but I'm very happy to have a friend like you," etc.
Alternatively, suggest taking her (and her spouse?) out for coffee, or offer a one-time babysitting exchange. It's also a good idea to make sure that she's actually planning a gift and not just trying to set up a system for hand-me-downs, as others have suggested above. It should be easy enough to clarify the situation if she is your best friend.
posted by Nomyte at 9:24 AM on December 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
An acquaintance should be able to understand that her question comes as a surprise. If she is making an ostentatious claim to some kind of reciprocal relationship, it's probably best to clear up things right now: "I wasn't really thinking about gifts, but I'm very happy to have a friend like you," etc.
Alternatively, suggest taking her (and her spouse?) out for coffee, or offer a one-time babysitting exchange. It's also a good idea to make sure that she's actually planning a gift and not just trying to set up a system for hand-me-downs, as others have suggested above. It should be easy enough to clarify the situation if she is your best friend.
posted by Nomyte at 9:24 AM on December 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
You can get little clothes and toys very cheaply (target is great, if you have one), especially with all the sales this time of year.
You don't have to reciprocate, of course, but it's nice. If she's your best friend, I would think it's entirely appropriate to be exchanging small gifts. (I'd shoot for no more than $10 apeice, and closer to $5 would be better, my ownself. )
But exchanging gifts is something you can do to say "hey, we're good friends; not just acquaintances".
Clothes or a little toy or rattle or book are always good for babies. For the toddler, how about a pack of washable markers? Or paper and safety scissors? Or a squishy ball?
posted by leahwrenn at 9:40 AM on December 20, 2010
You don't have to reciprocate, of course, but it's nice. If she's your best friend, I would think it's entirely appropriate to be exchanging small gifts. (I'd shoot for no more than $10 apeice, and closer to $5 would be better, my ownself. )
But exchanging gifts is something you can do to say "hey, we're good friends; not just acquaintances".
Clothes or a little toy or rattle or book are always good for babies. For the toddler, how about a pack of washable markers? Or paper and safety scissors? Or a squishy ball?
posted by leahwrenn at 9:40 AM on December 20, 2010
There's definitely the potential that she's planning to pass along some hand-me-downs. Buy a gift, but keep the receipt.
Prepare to deploy the gift if the situation seems to warrant it. If you don't end up exchanging gifts by 1/15 or so, unwrap the gift and return it to the store.
posted by ErikaB at 11:10 AM on December 20, 2010
Prepare to deploy the gift if the situation seems to warrant it. If you don't end up exchanging gifts by 1/15 or so, unwrap the gift and return it to the store.
posted by ErikaB at 11:10 AM on December 20, 2010
My first thought was hand-me-downs, but if she has a 4 month old, wouldn't she save the hand-me-downs for her (especially since her kids are the same gender--if she's the type to care about that)?
I agree with runningwithscissors--the easiest way to solve this mystery is to ask. But if you feel the moment has passed, I agree with the consensus (buy gift, keep receipt, suggest not doing gifts next year).
posted by pompelmo at 8:34 PM on December 20, 2010
I agree with runningwithscissors--the easiest way to solve this mystery is to ask. But if you feel the moment has passed, I agree with the consensus (buy gift, keep receipt, suggest not doing gifts next year).
posted by pompelmo at 8:34 PM on December 20, 2010
I would err on the side of caution and get a couple of emergency gifts just in case. Buy something like toys so that if there isn't actually a gift exchange, your own kid can use them.
You're on the right track but it's "sam hill."
posted by IndigoRain at 8:48 PM on December 20, 2010
You're on the right track but it's "sam hill."
posted by IndigoRain at 8:48 PM on December 20, 2010
Seeing as you know (and she knows you know) she is getting you gifts, I would get a gift in return.
That said, in this case (and most others, for that matter), it really is the thought that counts.
Something cheap, like coloured pencils, or a sheet of stickers, is a net win for all concerned. Kids love getting stuff, regardless of what it is.
posted by antiquark at 1:04 AM on December 21, 2010
That said, in this case (and most others, for that matter), it really is the thought that counts.
Something cheap, like coloured pencils, or a sheet of stickers, is a net win for all concerned. Kids love getting stuff, regardless of what it is.
posted by antiquark at 1:04 AM on December 21, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by runningwithscissors at 8:29 AM on December 20, 2010