Boyfriend. Drunk. Blacked out. Effed up. Over. Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, etc.
Back in February, I posted this.
Boyfriend actually found the post and read it, did get help for a short period, and for a while he was doing pretty well. I distanced myself from situations where I knew he’d overdo it, and I kept tabs on him a lot when I suspected he might. Admittedly, after awhile, I started to feel like his babysitter. I couldn’t fully relax and enjoy an evening out because I feared I’d have to play responsible caretaker and deal with an impossible drunk at the end of the night. I feared this the most on Saturday night, on the way to a friend’s holiday party.
At the party, we were both mingling separately and when we reconvened, I saw that he was utterly wasted. Belligerent, making no sense, irrational wasted. If you read my prior question, you’ll learn that this isn’t new. I made sure we left immediately, nervous that he’d embarrass himself or me in my friend’s home. During our train ride home, he was everything I’d mentioned in my prior post – nonsensical, teetering between hostile and mean, and overly lovey and lashing out at me when I didn’t reciprocate. I was distraught, frustrated, and I’d had enough.
When we went to transfer trains (at 2am) he took off and abandoned me in the station, and I was forced to get home by myself. I called and called, worried about his state and whether he’d get home ok. He never answered or called me back.
I woke up worried. He still wasn’t answering his phone. He lives in my neighborhood and I had a spare set of keys to his place, so I decided to go over and check to make sure he was ok. If he was there, I would give him an ultimatum: quit drinking ENTIRELY or lose me for good. Well, he eliminated any need for that conversation, because when I got to his apartment, I found him in bed with another girl.
I’m not going to go into the shock and trauma of seeing that, or the immense, almost physically numbing pain I’m in, but needless to say, our relationship is over. Even at his worst, he never gave me any reason to believe he’d do something like this.
He ran over immediately after I stormed out, and we’ve sobbed over the phone. He is devastated and shocked at himself. He told me he doesn’t remember meeting the girl or how it happened, and the last thing he remembers is leaving the party with me and being angry. The girl told him that they met on the train (please kill me) and that they hadn’t had sex. (though, they were undressed.) He’s horrified that he doesn’t remember any of it. He’s blacked out before in my presence, so I’m inclined to believe his story, and believe that this is the first time he’s done anything of this magnitude. He admitted that he has a worse drinking problem than he thought, didn’t think he was capable of something like this, and is going to get help and quit. I know he is beside himself with regret and hates himself. He acknowledged that he took advantage of my constant help, understanding and forgiveness. Regardless, it’s done. Irreparable. Inexcusable.
Despite how unimaginably hurt I am, I see this for what it is – he’s an alcoholic. I know he can't believe he did what he did, and he didn't want to break up, especially not this way. I believe he was out of his mind and made a tremendous mistake. But I also know I don’t want to be dragged down with him anymore, and that it can no longer be my problem.
I talked to one of his closest friends and asked him to be supportive of his efforts to stop drinking since I can no longer be around. He’s relied on me a lot for emotional support and it pains me that I can’t be there for him anymore. (I know this screams codependency – I will be getting some help as well.) I know I need to move on, but a tiny part of me fantasizes that someday he’ll be clean and better and we’ll be able to work things out again – like once the symptom of drinking is gone, we can start over. I know how insane that sounds, but I feel insane. Or just desperate to feel something other than pain right now.
Any advice from someone who’s been in these shitty, shitty shoes - on either side - would be appreciated. (Similarly, any way to get the vision of my boyfriend in bed with someone else out of my head that does NOT include a lobotomy? No? Ok.) I’d really like to hate him, curse him, wish him harm. But I’m just overwhelmingly sad. For him and for us. His drinking has ruined years of love and friendship between us that neither of us have had with anyone else. We had so much good and I have loved him for so long. I couldn't have imagined it would end like this, not after so many years. I'm having trouble coping.
Thanks for listening.