Reign of blows.
December 11, 2010 11:16 AM Subscribe
Help me alleviate a noxious family dynamic.
My mother has a karmic view of health. In nutshell, the ailment is the fault of the sufferer and nothing happens without reason. I don’t know to what extent she actually believes it and to what extent this is just passive-aggressive ordnance. Probably both.
As a child, I hated turning to her for help with health issues, or any issues. I knew I’d be in for a long tirade about drafts, scarves, drinking cold milk, rolling down car windows, etc. She is not a big believer in taking medicine to feel better. Medicine “makes your health worse.” The idea is that you’ll suffer until you have suffered enough. Alternatively, you can “work” your way to better overall health, typically by sticking to some sort of folk-medicine homeopathic treatment regimen.
I still have a bad habit of letting things fester. Several years ago I was diagnosed with a serious chronic illness, and I’m actually happy I lived away from my family when it happened. I never “came out” to my mother as a person who wears prescription glasses. I know that she would redouble her shaming whenever I sat down to read a book, watch TV, or play a video game. She did it persistently enough when I wasn’t yet wearing glasses.
So, what’s the problem, you say? I live away from my mother, take reasonable care of myself, and should be able to change the subject if the conversation turns to the topic of health. So far, so good.
My much-younger brother still has a few years to go before college, and I hate seeing how she treats him when I visit them on holidays. He seems pretty prone to getting sick, or at least is consistently sick when I’m visiting. This drives my mother to the heights of obsession. When we’re all out, she follows behind him, showering him with barbs like, “Don’t you wish you wore a hat that day? Are you happy now? How does it feel being sick?” This torrent of shame is nonstop. Whenever they’re in the same room together, she pursues the subject relentlessly. Not offering help or comfort, just a stream of constant shaming. Her husband usually sees an opportunity and joins in, heaping more invective and blame on the poor kid. The situation slowly builds until my brother snaps back and there’s a verbal altercation.
I’ve tried taking her aside and asking her to spare my feelings while I’m in town. I’ve tried pointing out that there’s no way to tell whether it’s anything in particular my brother did that made him sick. I’ve tried drawing a line between “common colds” and more serious illnesses. I’m out of ideas.
Most recently I was over for Thanksgiving and found my brother in a near-zombie state. He had intermittent fevers and headaches, he had been feeling fatigued and lethargic and drowsy for about a week. His parents hadn’t even taken him to the doctor. When we all went out for dinner, he just sat there with his eyes half-closed and barely ate. Meanwhile, his parents wouldn’t stop peppering him with snide remarks about how good he must feel about getting sick. My heart was breaking for the poor guy.
Before I left, I asked him to demand to be taken to the pediatrician. It turned out to be a sinus infection. He got a prescription for some antibiotics. His mother seems unfazed by this diagnosis. According to her, the doctor confided to her that it’s “just a cold,” but that she’d write a prescription anyway, just to satisfy me.
Questions:
My mother has a karmic view of health. In nutshell, the ailment is the fault of the sufferer and nothing happens without reason. I don’t know to what extent she actually believes it and to what extent this is just passive-aggressive ordnance. Probably both.
As a child, I hated turning to her for help with health issues, or any issues. I knew I’d be in for a long tirade about drafts, scarves, drinking cold milk, rolling down car windows, etc. She is not a big believer in taking medicine to feel better. Medicine “makes your health worse.” The idea is that you’ll suffer until you have suffered enough. Alternatively, you can “work” your way to better overall health, typically by sticking to some sort of folk-medicine homeopathic treatment regimen.
I still have a bad habit of letting things fester. Several years ago I was diagnosed with a serious chronic illness, and I’m actually happy I lived away from my family when it happened. I never “came out” to my mother as a person who wears prescription glasses. I know that she would redouble her shaming whenever I sat down to read a book, watch TV, or play a video game. She did it persistently enough when I wasn’t yet wearing glasses.
So, what’s the problem, you say? I live away from my mother, take reasonable care of myself, and should be able to change the subject if the conversation turns to the topic of health. So far, so good.
My much-younger brother still has a few years to go before college, and I hate seeing how she treats him when I visit them on holidays. He seems pretty prone to getting sick, or at least is consistently sick when I’m visiting. This drives my mother to the heights of obsession. When we’re all out, she follows behind him, showering him with barbs like, “Don’t you wish you wore a hat that day? Are you happy now? How does it feel being sick?” This torrent of shame is nonstop. Whenever they’re in the same room together, she pursues the subject relentlessly. Not offering help or comfort, just a stream of constant shaming. Her husband usually sees an opportunity and joins in, heaping more invective and blame on the poor kid. The situation slowly builds until my brother snaps back and there’s a verbal altercation.
I’ve tried taking her aside and asking her to spare my feelings while I’m in town. I’ve tried pointing out that there’s no way to tell whether it’s anything in particular my brother did that made him sick. I’ve tried drawing a line between “common colds” and more serious illnesses. I’m out of ideas.
Most recently I was over for Thanksgiving and found my brother in a near-zombie state. He had intermittent fevers and headaches, he had been feeling fatigued and lethargic and drowsy for about a week. His parents hadn’t even taken him to the doctor. When we all went out for dinner, he just sat there with his eyes half-closed and barely ate. Meanwhile, his parents wouldn’t stop peppering him with snide remarks about how good he must feel about getting sick. My heart was breaking for the poor guy.
Before I left, I asked him to demand to be taken to the pediatrician. It turned out to be a sinus infection. He got a prescription for some antibiotics. His mother seems unfazed by this diagnosis. According to her, the doctor confided to her that it’s “just a cold,” but that she’d write a prescription anyway, just to satisfy me.
Questions:
- What should I do to help my younger brother develop a healthy perspective on health issues?
- I am continuing to visit my family from time to time. What can I do to de-escalate conversations that turn into emotional bullying?
- How can I help my family stay healthy from afar? My mother doesn’t spare herself, hardly ever seeks medical care, either routine or urgent, and as a consequence, my brother can’t easily seek his own care, or even learn to identify when to seek care at all.
It's small hope, but remind your brother that the absolute best thing he can do when he gets out of high school is to GO THE FUCK AWAY for college. Tell him it gets better.
posted by notsnot at 11:30 AM on December 11, 2010 [6 favorites]
posted by notsnot at 11:30 AM on December 11, 2010 [6 favorites]
This is a very important issue and I think your mom's authority needs to be undermined here. What about your dad? Is he like this too, or does he just silently let your mom rant? Will he support you?
If your brother were to get seriously ill, and your mom wanted to treat him at home with chicken soup and bed rest when he needed the hospital, she could endanger his life. So I would call child protective services and/or a social worker and discuss the issue with them.
You don't say how old your brother is, but if he's 16 or older, he can drive himself to the doctor. You should definitely talk to him about all this, maybe even write him a letter he can read over and over to counteract your mom's harping.
I think in some states, 16 is the age limit for emancipation. Is this an option? Could he live with you?
posted by xenophile at 11:42 AM on December 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
If your brother were to get seriously ill, and your mom wanted to treat him at home with chicken soup and bed rest when he needed the hospital, she could endanger his life. So I would call child protective services and/or a social worker and discuss the issue with them.
You don't say how old your brother is, but if he's 16 or older, he can drive himself to the doctor. You should definitely talk to him about all this, maybe even write him a letter he can read over and over to counteract your mom's harping.
I think in some states, 16 is the age limit for emancipation. Is this an option? Could he live with you?
posted by xenophile at 11:42 AM on December 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
I don't like to throw around the word "abuse" casually, but your mother is emotionally and occasionally physically abusing your brother by not getting your brother proper medical care. Really the emotional abuse is likely far more damaging.
You don't need to get your mother to lay off when you're around, you need to get him out of that house.
posted by whoaali at 11:52 AM on December 11, 2010 [10 favorites]
You don't need to get your mother to lay off when you're around, you need to get him out of that house.
posted by whoaali at 11:52 AM on December 11, 2010 [10 favorites]
Out of ideas? Then be consistent with a direct approach rejecting her nonsense, in front of others. Don't be as spineless as the rest of your lot.
At some point you'll have to stand up for yourself. Bullying nonsense like that does not improve by tolerating. Cut her off when she cops that line. Be firm, not argumentative. Ask her to help and not be so negative. Push the onus to be argumentative and negative back at her. If she can't see the way it makes herself look, well, it may be a lost cause.
It's probably pointless to attempt to actually have a rational argument about the issues. That just lets her feel like her crazy point of view actually has merits to defend.
If she wants to neglect her own health issues, that's fine. But there's no reason everyone else should buy into it. Yes, it may be painful to watch, but that's her choice. You don't have to choose to maintain the same horrible attitude. By standing up for reality you may be able to offer your brother some guidance, not just advice behind Mommy Dearest's back.
Although, it's a little unclear on how 'your brother' gets handled by 'his parents' and not 'our parents'. Bit of an issue there? Or just awkward grammar? Not that it matters, just struck me as a bit off...
posted by wkearney99 at 12:01 PM on December 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
At some point you'll have to stand up for yourself. Bullying nonsense like that does not improve by tolerating. Cut her off when she cops that line. Be firm, not argumentative. Ask her to help and not be so negative. Push the onus to be argumentative and negative back at her. If she can't see the way it makes herself look, well, it may be a lost cause.
It's probably pointless to attempt to actually have a rational argument about the issues. That just lets her feel like her crazy point of view actually has merits to defend.
If she wants to neglect her own health issues, that's fine. But there's no reason everyone else should buy into it. Yes, it may be painful to watch, but that's her choice. You don't have to choose to maintain the same horrible attitude. By standing up for reality you may be able to offer your brother some guidance, not just advice behind Mommy Dearest's back.
Although, it's a little unclear on how 'your brother' gets handled by 'his parents' and not 'our parents'. Bit of an issue there? Or just awkward grammar? Not that it matters, just struck me as a bit off...
posted by wkearney99 at 12:01 PM on December 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
In the short term, perhaps you should consider scheduling a trip to the pediatrician when you are in town, and then you can take your brother to the doctor. This would at least get in regular annual visits (is your mom opposed to those as well?).
I agree that regular phone calls to talk to your brother would be great. Could you pay for a trip for him to come visit you? Then you could work on developing your relationship with him so at least he has somewhere to turn.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:02 PM on December 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
I agree that regular phone calls to talk to your brother would be great. Could you pay for a trip for him to come visit you? Then you could work on developing your relationship with him so at least he has somewhere to turn.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:02 PM on December 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
Next time you're in the area buy him his own small stash of over the counter medicines. Tylenol or Advil, some kind of cold remedy, some cough syrup or drops, things that are totally legal for a 16 year old to have on his own. Get him a box that he can lock and hide in his room. Let him know that when he runs out you'll find a way to get him more.
Are you brave enough to stand up to your parents about what they're doing? Even a "Lay off the poor kid Mom, he feels bad enough already." might help. If you're really brave you could call your mom out and let her know you think what she's doing is despicable. "Mom, Brother is sick. It's not his fault he's sick and badgering him about it just makes you a bitch. Stop it."
I totally agree with the above posters who say what your parents are doing is completely abusive. I don't know where they live or what the laws are , but I am pretty sure that not getting a dependent child necessary medical care is not okay. I don't know what Child Services would do about it though. If he isn't in immediate danger I don't think there is much they can do other than warn his parents about taking him to the doctor. If he's getting enough to eat, the house is clean, and he's not being physically abused I don't think they'll remove him from the house without some other kind of proof.
posted by TooFewShoes at 12:08 PM on December 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
Are you brave enough to stand up to your parents about what they're doing? Even a "Lay off the poor kid Mom, he feels bad enough already." might help. If you're really brave you could call your mom out and let her know you think what she's doing is despicable. "Mom, Brother is sick. It's not his fault he's sick and badgering him about it just makes you a bitch. Stop it."
I totally agree with the above posters who say what your parents are doing is completely abusive. I don't know where they live or what the laws are , but I am pretty sure that not getting a dependent child necessary medical care is not okay. I don't know what Child Services would do about it though. If he isn't in immediate danger I don't think there is much they can do other than warn his parents about taking him to the doctor. If he's getting enough to eat, the house is clean, and he's not being physically abused I don't think they'll remove him from the house without some other kind of proof.
posted by TooFewShoes at 12:08 PM on December 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
I agree with the other posters: this is abuse, and in the withholding of medical attention, neglect. It's kind and responsible of you to want to do something about it, but this is not something you're going to be able to change without professional help. Contacting the child protective agency in your area is a way to get that ball rolling. Removal of custody isn't the only thing these agencies are empowered to do; they can connect everyone with what seem to be very clearly needed services.
I'm so sorry this is happening, and that it happened to you as well. Best of luck.
posted by keever at 12:14 PM on December 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm so sorry this is happening, and that it happened to you as well. Best of luck.
posted by keever at 12:14 PM on December 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: wkearney99: My mother has divorced and remarried. That should explain the choice of pronouns.
whoaali: That would mean breaking up the family, no? I'm not sure that's something I can weigh fairly.
xenophile: The problem is that don't see anything wrong. It's business as usual to my brother and his family, and my agitation is just "rocking the boat" and "making everyone upset." Emancipation, et cetera, is a fantasy scenario at this point in my life.
Jon_Evil: I don't think my mother's parenting choices really qualify as abuse. I don't think she actively means people harm. I think that she just gets very concerned and has a very dysfunctional way of expressing her concern. It's not as if she never seeks urgent medical care.
posted by Nomyte at 12:18 PM on December 11, 2010
whoaali: That would mean breaking up the family, no? I'm not sure that's something I can weigh fairly.
xenophile: The problem is that don't see anything wrong. It's business as usual to my brother and his family, and my agitation is just "rocking the boat" and "making everyone upset." Emancipation, et cetera, is a fantasy scenario at this point in my life.
Jon_Evil: I don't think my mother's parenting choices really qualify as abuse. I don't think she actively means people harm. I think that she just gets very concerned and has a very dysfunctional way of expressing her concern. It's not as if she never seeks urgent medical care.
posted by Nomyte at 12:18 PM on December 11, 2010
When your mom says, 'don't you wish you'd worn a hat?' respond with 'do you have evidence for that/to back that up?'
posted by k8t at 12:28 PM on December 11, 2010
posted by k8t at 12:28 PM on December 11, 2010
Become a bigger part of your brother's life. If it isn't possible to be physically close to him on a weekly basis, then start up a constant stream of communication with him via email, facebook, twitter or whatever else you have on hand.
Give him lots of info about how everyone else lives -- showing him in concrete ways how life will be better as soon as he is out of the house. Make sure he communicates to you how his health is -- if he needs an aspirin or cough syrup, either get it to him when needed or get him a stash he can have hidden in his room.
Support him in whatever his talents are -- whether that means helping him get into college, assisting him in school visits, helping with his application, etc. Or if he's not going to college then supporting him in whatever comes next, whether it's vocational training, artistic endeavors, etc.
If you can't easily see him each week, then make plans to visit him more than you do now. Even if that means seeing him once every six months rather than once a year.
In short, be a big brother to your brother in every way possible.
posted by BlahLaLa at 12:31 PM on December 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Give him lots of info about how everyone else lives -- showing him in concrete ways how life will be better as soon as he is out of the house. Make sure he communicates to you how his health is -- if he needs an aspirin or cough syrup, either get it to him when needed or get him a stash he can have hidden in his room.
Support him in whatever his talents are -- whether that means helping him get into college, assisting him in school visits, helping with his application, etc. Or if he's not going to college then supporting him in whatever comes next, whether it's vocational training, artistic endeavors, etc.
If you can't easily see him each week, then make plans to visit him more than you do now. Even if that means seeing him once every six months rather than once a year.
In short, be a big brother to your brother in every way possible.
posted by BlahLaLa at 12:31 PM on December 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Nomyte, your mother doesn't have to intend harm in order to inflict it. Which she is doing. Which is abusive. Your excusing response is evidence of the effect her emotionally abusive behavior had on you.
You might try simply interrupting her when she starts going on and calmly correcting her assertions. Sneaking your brother off for annual physicals when you visit would be a good step, and regular contact so that he gets an emotionally healthy outside perspective would benefit him immensely.
posted by amelioration at 12:31 PM on December 11, 2010 [7 favorites]
You might try simply interrupting her when she starts going on and calmly correcting her assertions. Sneaking your brother off for annual physicals when you visit would be a good step, and regular contact so that he gets an emotionally healthy outside perspective would benefit him immensely.
posted by amelioration at 12:31 PM on December 11, 2010 [7 favorites]
I just realized I left off the main rationale for my advice above: You can't change your mom or your step-father. Don't try. Just work on the one who can be helped, and that's your bro.
posted by BlahLaLa at 12:32 PM on December 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by BlahLaLa at 12:32 PM on December 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: I seem to be getting advice for things I already do, or things that aren't actually the problem.
I appreciate all the advice you are giving, but some of it seems to be for actions that are too drastic and irreversible for me to take. Really, child protective services have little to do in this situation.
If I am wrong and there is something a caseworker can do besides issuing a warning or placing my brother in foster care (which I think would be completely unwarranted, unless my brother's family situation deteriorated substantially), I'm very happy to hear about it.
posted by Nomyte at 12:48 PM on December 11, 2010
- I visit my brother 4-6 times per year, not 1-2 as some assume above. I also "import" my brother to spend time with me a couple times a year.
- My brother does have access to OTC medicines, annual doctor visits, and so on. Things aren't as dire as some have concluded. My concern is that my mother is usually too slow to recognize a problem, and not supportive enough in dealing with it.
- I am in pretty much constant contact with my brother on Facebook and video chat.
- I do interrupt, assert myself, speak directly to the issue, etc. The problem is that this leads to further escalation, or else to a reply of "I don't have to take this from you."
- I do get involved with my brother's activities and education.
I appreciate all the advice you are giving, but some of it seems to be for actions that are too drastic and irreversible for me to take. Really, child protective services have little to do in this situation.
If I am wrong and there is something a caseworker can do besides issuing a warning or placing my brother in foster care (which I think would be completely unwarranted, unless my brother's family situation deteriorated substantially), I'm very happy to hear about it.
posted by Nomyte at 12:48 PM on December 11, 2010
Is your mother's hoarding behavior still an issue? If so, coupled with the behaviors you describe, I think the problem is significant enough to warrant a conversation with Child Protective Services. That may be a wake-up call for her. It looks like you haven't been able to get her to change her behavior, so you need to try something new.
posted by prefpara at 12:50 PM on December 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by prefpara at 12:50 PM on December 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Having now read your most recent update, let me just add that CPS workers do a lot of things other than placing children in foster care. They can offer therapy, parenting classes, and provide various similar services to help the family. Also, they're authority figures, so they may be able to influence your mother in a way that you (her child) can't.
posted by prefpara at 12:55 PM on December 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by prefpara at 12:55 PM on December 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
Have you spoken to your brother about how HE feels about this situation? You've mentioned that your mother treated you this way when you were younger, but maybe he doesn't see it as an issue he's interested in tackling at this point. I think your mother sounds pretty intense, but I wouldn't suggest it's something to bring to CFS, and frankly, with the cases they get, this would not be high on the priority list. Also, it's never a good idea to just escalate a problem to that level.
So, I guess my advice is to get a sense from little brother on his feelings about this. Don't just assume that you know what his thoughts are on the situation. Maybe he'd have something tangible that he'd like you to help him with like "hey, let's both tell mom that she's an asshat together" or something along those lines. Maybe he can somehow get his health insurance card from mom and then you can help him arrange to get to/from doctor or something? Perhaps enlist the help of an in-town friend, or pay for his taxi.
that's my take.
posted by Sal and Richard at 12:58 PM on December 11, 2010
So, I guess my advice is to get a sense from little brother on his feelings about this. Don't just assume that you know what his thoughts are on the situation. Maybe he'd have something tangible that he'd like you to help him with like "hey, let's both tell mom that she's an asshat together" or something along those lines. Maybe he can somehow get his health insurance card from mom and then you can help him arrange to get to/from doctor or something? Perhaps enlist the help of an in-town friend, or pay for his taxi.
that's my take.
posted by Sal and Richard at 12:58 PM on December 11, 2010
Best answer: This torrent of shame is nonstop. Whenever they’re in the same room together, she pursues the subject relentlessly. Not offering help or comfort, just a stream of constant shaming. Her husband usually sees an opportunity and joins in, heaping more invective and blame on the poor kid.
If you grew up with this, maybe you don't realize how wrong it is--you have some sense of it, obviously, because you asked this question, but then you're defending the family dynamic when people speak up and say that what is happening is abuse. I'm not saying we strangers on the Internet know better than you, but I am saying that your judgment may be skewed such that you can't see the situation clearly. Tag-teaming with your husband to badger your kid because he's sick is an awful, awful thing to do. I can only imagine the consequences. Parents are supposed to nurture and protect their kids, especially when they are sick or vulnerable, and your mother is literally doing the opposite.
You're asking for conversation strategies to combat emotional abuse. The general reaction in this thread is that it would be better for your brother not to be exposed to the abuse. It's like you're saying, "My mom hits my brother, can you help me teach him some blocking moves?" I hope you'll at least consider calling the local CFS or a nonprofit that supports family mental health, giving a general explanation of what's going on (without naming names, necessarily), and ask if there's any option they can suggest for you to get help for your family--even just getting suggestions for how to bring your brother into contact with sane adults who can help him to re-calibrate his sense of what normal is. The goal of CFS or family mental health nonprofits is to help families live healthy lives together, not take as many kids out and into foster care as they can.
I think you should also encourage your brother to seek out positive adult support he might find at his high school (social worker, coach, whoever). It's great that you're so involved in his life, and I don't want to minimize that, but when a kid is having his self-worth torn up at home, there's great value in having someone outside the family say, "No, there's nothing wrong with you."
posted by Meg_Murry at 1:17 PM on December 11, 2010 [13 favorites]
If you grew up with this, maybe you don't realize how wrong it is--you have some sense of it, obviously, because you asked this question, but then you're defending the family dynamic when people speak up and say that what is happening is abuse. I'm not saying we strangers on the Internet know better than you, but I am saying that your judgment may be skewed such that you can't see the situation clearly. Tag-teaming with your husband to badger your kid because he's sick is an awful, awful thing to do. I can only imagine the consequences. Parents are supposed to nurture and protect their kids, especially when they are sick or vulnerable, and your mother is literally doing the opposite.
You're asking for conversation strategies to combat emotional abuse. The general reaction in this thread is that it would be better for your brother not to be exposed to the abuse. It's like you're saying, "My mom hits my brother, can you help me teach him some blocking moves?" I hope you'll at least consider calling the local CFS or a nonprofit that supports family mental health, giving a general explanation of what's going on (without naming names, necessarily), and ask if there's any option they can suggest for you to get help for your family--even just getting suggestions for how to bring your brother into contact with sane adults who can help him to re-calibrate his sense of what normal is. The goal of CFS or family mental health nonprofits is to help families live healthy lives together, not take as many kids out and into foster care as they can.
I think you should also encourage your brother to seek out positive adult support he might find at his high school (social worker, coach, whoever). It's great that you're so involved in his life, and I don't want to minimize that, but when a kid is having his self-worth torn up at home, there's great value in having someone outside the family say, "No, there's nothing wrong with you."
posted by Meg_Murry at 1:17 PM on December 11, 2010 [13 favorites]
Is there a way you can orchestrate your brother seeing a therapist, even under the subterfuge of him "getting better" in your mother's eyes but with the actual goal of him learning strategies to defend himself in this climate? Of course, your brother learning to defend himself may rock the boat more than anything you're trying to accomplish with "conversational strategies" and your mother and his step-father may withdraw financial support for the therapy, but even a little might help a lot. And this help is probably the most likely to be effective and functional for everyone involved.
The other resource you could look into is his school. Is there a counselor and/or a medical service? Are these people you or he could talk with to ensure another set of eyes is on his basic physical and mental health? Could you work with the school somehow to create a "requirement" that his parents would have to acquiesce to that he see a therapist ?
posted by Yoshimi Battles at 1:46 PM on December 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
The other resource you could look into is his school. Is there a counselor and/or a medical service? Are these people you or he could talk with to ensure another set of eyes is on his basic physical and mental health? Could you work with the school somehow to create a "requirement" that his parents would have to acquiesce to that he see a therapist ?
posted by Yoshimi Battles at 1:46 PM on December 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Your mother sounds mentally ill.
You cannot reason with a mentally ill person. You cannot rationally explain to a person who is irrationally fixated on something why their fixation is irrational. Your mother is fixated on the physical health of you, your brother, god knows who else. The way you've described her, she sounds obsessed. Well, obsession is a symptom of mental illness. Asking her to spare your feelings or make less of a spectacle of your brother or do anything other than behave how she's always behaved is pointless because her behavior is that of a sick person, not a sane, rational person with a sense of healthy boundaries and insight into the impact and consequences of their own actions.
You cannot ameliorate your brother's suffering in any way, shape or form by fixing your mother. It is not within your power to fix her. She needs professional help, as does her husband. There are ways to help your brother - you can alert whatever sort of child protective services there are in your area that your brother, a minor child, is being abused; or, you can take him in yourself. Another thing you can do is to speak to someone at your brother's school about this situation and ask them to keep an eye on his health. You can encourage your brother to take up a sport, join a club, become friendly with other role models and authority figures that will model caring, compassionate, non-shaming behavior for him. Lastly, and this will sound crazy to you, but I personally give you permission to undermine your mother's authority and take your brother to the doctor yourself. You can make it your little secret with your brother. Your brother's future is more important than allowing your mother the illusion that she has control over nature and all the creatures in it, bacteria and viruses included. You don't have to defer to your mother as a sop to some sort of notion of sacrosanct parental rightness.
You need also to provide an example of rational, sane behavior to your brother every time you can. You need to say to him that you care about his health, that he is not to blame for getting sick, that his health is important, and that the way Mom and Husband treat him while his sick is wrong, unacceptable and mean. I mean this very, very sincerely - you have to label the behavior as being as bad as it is or your brother could end up internalizing this pathetic, warped treatment as being his fault, or worse, he could end up ignoring his own health problems the way you ignored yours. This is not a criticism of you, so my apologies if it comes off as such. I get what you've said here - my own family is rife with craziness, and I've witnessed this sort of obsessive, intrusive, twisted view of illness wreak havoc on people too powerless to help themselves.
Finally, when speaking to your mother, I encourage you to be polite and firm. I encourage you to honor reality when you speak, rather than indulging her delusions. If she criticizes your glasses, say, "Without them I'd not be able to read the novel I'm really enjoying at the moment." If she criticizes your brother for his sinus infection, you can say, "I'm glad the doctor gave Tommy a prescription. He's clearly feeling much better than he was without it. I felt much better when I received my treatments for [your illness]." Anything to reinforce that there is a view other than hers that you freely and staunchly support.
Best of luck. If it's any consolation, your brother can emerge from this insanity and have a life, just like you did. You're brave and caring to want to help; let him know how much you care as often as you can and keep trying to take better, gentler care of yourself and him than you received growing up.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 2:18 PM on December 11, 2010 [4 favorites]
You cannot reason with a mentally ill person. You cannot rationally explain to a person who is irrationally fixated on something why their fixation is irrational. Your mother is fixated on the physical health of you, your brother, god knows who else. The way you've described her, she sounds obsessed. Well, obsession is a symptom of mental illness. Asking her to spare your feelings or make less of a spectacle of your brother or do anything other than behave how she's always behaved is pointless because her behavior is that of a sick person, not a sane, rational person with a sense of healthy boundaries and insight into the impact and consequences of their own actions.
You cannot ameliorate your brother's suffering in any way, shape or form by fixing your mother. It is not within your power to fix her. She needs professional help, as does her husband. There are ways to help your brother - you can alert whatever sort of child protective services there are in your area that your brother, a minor child, is being abused; or, you can take him in yourself. Another thing you can do is to speak to someone at your brother's school about this situation and ask them to keep an eye on his health. You can encourage your brother to take up a sport, join a club, become friendly with other role models and authority figures that will model caring, compassionate, non-shaming behavior for him. Lastly, and this will sound crazy to you, but I personally give you permission to undermine your mother's authority and take your brother to the doctor yourself. You can make it your little secret with your brother. Your brother's future is more important than allowing your mother the illusion that she has control over nature and all the creatures in it, bacteria and viruses included. You don't have to defer to your mother as a sop to some sort of notion of sacrosanct parental rightness.
You need also to provide an example of rational, sane behavior to your brother every time you can. You need to say to him that you care about his health, that he is not to blame for getting sick, that his health is important, and that the way Mom and Husband treat him while his sick is wrong, unacceptable and mean. I mean this very, very sincerely - you have to label the behavior as being as bad as it is or your brother could end up internalizing this pathetic, warped treatment as being his fault, or worse, he could end up ignoring his own health problems the way you ignored yours. This is not a criticism of you, so my apologies if it comes off as such. I get what you've said here - my own family is rife with craziness, and I've witnessed this sort of obsessive, intrusive, twisted view of illness wreak havoc on people too powerless to help themselves.
Finally, when speaking to your mother, I encourage you to be polite and firm. I encourage you to honor reality when you speak, rather than indulging her delusions. If she criticizes your glasses, say, "Without them I'd not be able to read the novel I'm really enjoying at the moment." If she criticizes your brother for his sinus infection, you can say, "I'm glad the doctor gave Tommy a prescription. He's clearly feeling much better than he was without it. I felt much better when I received my treatments for [your illness]." Anything to reinforce that there is a view other than hers that you freely and staunchly support.
Best of luck. If it's any consolation, your brother can emerge from this insanity and have a life, just like you did. You're brave and caring to want to help; let him know how much you care as often as you can and keep trying to take better, gentler care of yourself and him than you received growing up.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 2:18 PM on December 11, 2010 [4 favorites]
I don't know if it would change her behavior, but I'd chime in with science when she gets going on the hats, the cold milk, the folk remedies. Is she in thrall to some relgion that's wacky about health and disease or is she just very opinionated and uninformed? Send your brother links to Quackwatch and the like, and encourage him to be proactive for his own health. You didn't say how old he is, but I'd say any kid older than 8th grade can go to the school nurse, etc.
My advice probably isn't good for anyone else, because I'd be demanding to know where she got her MD, if she's a member of the AMA, and generally shaming her back. Maybe a big blow up is what she needs, rather than changing the subject.
posted by Ideefixe at 2:20 PM on December 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
My advice probably isn't good for anyone else, because I'd be demanding to know where she got her MD, if she's a member of the AMA, and generally shaming her back. Maybe a big blow up is what she needs, rather than changing the subject.
posted by Ideefixe at 2:20 PM on December 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Meg_Murry really has it. OP, I don't think you can see this clearly. You have a sense it's all wrong somehow, but you can't accept the nitty gritty truth. I know because I grew up in a mostly emotionally abusive home. The full import of the dysfunction is only clear to me now, about 20 years out. 20 years! Perspective is a huge factor to consider if you hope to be of any help to your brother right now.
- The recent episode you described with your brother was dangerous. He could have easily had pneumonia or the strep virus. It's grossly negligent that your mom and step-father choose emotional abuse over a visit to the doctor until you insisted otherwise. That's - sorry for this - pretty disturbed of them.
- Your stepfather jumps in on the emotional shaming and bullying? Did you know that is a fairly common (and dangerous) emotional abuse dynamic within families? Oh, yes. Big. Red. Flag.
- Your question isn't really about medical care. The illness/medical care is just one way your mom exerts power over your brother. I bet there are plenty of other ways she is abusive. What are they? You should make a list of her most common tactics. I don't know how you can help your brother unless you are super clear on what's really going on.
- Emotional abusers are pretty thorough and they never miss an opportunity to exert shame and control. It's also possible that your brother has it worse than you ever did since his biological father joins your mother against him. Again, I don't know how you can help your brother without having a competent grasp of the situation.
If you don't want to call Social Services, then you need to start speaking to your brother honestly about his situation. If you find yourself hearing things from your brother that scare you (you probably will) then be prepared to consult one (if not several) mental health professionals as you figure out what additional steps should be taken on your brother's behalf.
... And I am just taking a guess here that you might find this helpful, but I found the Amazon user reviews for this book particularly enlightening. Did I say "enlightening"? I meant mind blowing. In the reviews, people described the most familiar family scenarios. You should give those reviews a quick browse and maybe do a little more research if what people are describing there sounds at all familiar to you.
posted by jbenben at 2:24 PM on December 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
- The recent episode you described with your brother was dangerous. He could have easily had pneumonia or the strep virus. It's grossly negligent that your mom and step-father choose emotional abuse over a visit to the doctor until you insisted otherwise. That's - sorry for this - pretty disturbed of them.
- Your stepfather jumps in on the emotional shaming and bullying? Did you know that is a fairly common (and dangerous) emotional abuse dynamic within families? Oh, yes. Big. Red. Flag.
- Your question isn't really about medical care. The illness/medical care is just one way your mom exerts power over your brother. I bet there are plenty of other ways she is abusive. What are they? You should make a list of her most common tactics. I don't know how you can help your brother unless you are super clear on what's really going on.
- Emotional abusers are pretty thorough and they never miss an opportunity to exert shame and control. It's also possible that your brother has it worse than you ever did since his biological father joins your mother against him. Again, I don't know how you can help your brother without having a competent grasp of the situation.
If you don't want to call Social Services, then you need to start speaking to your brother honestly about his situation. If you find yourself hearing things from your brother that scare you (you probably will) then be prepared to consult one (if not several) mental health professionals as you figure out what additional steps should be taken on your brother's behalf.
... And I am just taking a guess here that you might find this helpful, but I found the Amazon user reviews for this book particularly enlightening. Did I say "enlightening"? I meant mind blowing. In the reviews, people described the most familiar family scenarios. You should give those reviews a quick browse and maybe do a little more research if what people are describing there sounds at all familiar to you.
posted by jbenben at 2:24 PM on December 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Perhaps pathologically passive-aggressive way of dealing with it: ask her if that's how she'd want to be treated when she gets sick. Not if; when. Because people do. If that's the way she wants to be treated, fine. Some folks have spectacular ways of being in denial (see: Christian Science, chelation therapy, alkaline diets against cancer), and they — sad to say — kill themselves with it.
Sounds like you are on the right track for appropriate care for your brother.
posted by scruss at 2:34 PM on December 11, 2010
Sounds like you are on the right track for appropriate care for your brother.
posted by scruss at 2:34 PM on December 11, 2010
Stop confronting your mother and allowing your brother to confront her - confrontations don't work with bullies because they cannot see how their behavior is wrong. Logic doesn't work with bullies because they're not operating on a fact/logic driven basis. This will never change and you're only beating your head against a brick wall if you keep trying to do it.
You need to model behavior - then your mother's behavior should fall into line. But you also need to do it in a very genuine, non-snide way. Don't say, "this is what YOU should be doing", instead just show your brother genuine love and support.
You see him sick - you go over to him and comfort him. Is there anything he needs? What can you do to make him feel better? Does he need a drink or a blanket? Does he want you to take him to the doctor? If your mother butts in, you don't acknowledge her. Ignore her response and behavior - don't feed the troll. Keep asking him every so often how he is to reinforce your care and concern (although don't go over the top). This will demonstrate to your mother how people show concern to others when they're sick.
If you're not there with him, you call him yourself on your phone. You ask him how he's going, how's he doing, is he feeling okay? Don't nag, just show genuine concern. Be interested in his health and that will show him that he needs to take his health seriously.
But the problem is if you tell someone - you should be saying such and such, you should be doing such and such - they won't do it because they don't know what that means. They don't actually know what that means. No doubt because no one ever showed them. So you can say the words, but it is meaningless to them. So you just need to model the appropriate behavior. If nothing else, your brother will see that you love him enough to be able to show him that and his perspective on how to care about his own health and wellbeing will fall into line.
posted by mleigh at 2:39 PM on December 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
You need to model behavior - then your mother's behavior should fall into line. But you also need to do it in a very genuine, non-snide way. Don't say, "this is what YOU should be doing", instead just show your brother genuine love and support.
You see him sick - you go over to him and comfort him. Is there anything he needs? What can you do to make him feel better? Does he need a drink or a blanket? Does he want you to take him to the doctor? If your mother butts in, you don't acknowledge her. Ignore her response and behavior - don't feed the troll. Keep asking him every so often how he is to reinforce your care and concern (although don't go over the top). This will demonstrate to your mother how people show concern to others when they're sick.
If you're not there with him, you call him yourself on your phone. You ask him how he's going, how's he doing, is he feeling okay? Don't nag, just show genuine concern. Be interested in his health and that will show him that he needs to take his health seriously.
But the problem is if you tell someone - you should be saying such and such, you should be doing such and such - they won't do it because they don't know what that means. They don't actually know what that means. No doubt because no one ever showed them. So you can say the words, but it is meaningless to them. So you just need to model the appropriate behavior. If nothing else, your brother will see that you love him enough to be able to show him that and his perspective on how to care about his own health and wellbeing will fall into line.
posted by mleigh at 2:39 PM on December 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
From your past questions, it seems that there is a cultural element at play.
With that in mind, I'd focus on your brother. 'Dude, Mom is nuts about sickness.' Let him know it is okay and not karmic to be sick.
posted by k8t at 4:11 PM on December 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
With that in mind, I'd focus on your brother. 'Dude, Mom is nuts about sickness.' Let him know it is okay and not karmic to be sick.
posted by k8t at 4:11 PM on December 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
You've already marked your best answers and I have no advice that's any better than some of the excellent responses here. I just wanted to say good on you for looking out for your brother. He's very fortunate to have someone in his corner until he's legally old enough to get out of the situation, hopefully before irreparable damage is done to him.
confrontations don't work with bullies because they cannot see how their behavior is wrong
I don't think this is completely true. Some bullies know very well their behavior is wrong, they just don't have enough (or any) motivation to compel them to change it. But confrontation is generally useless because they just put on their blinders and/or insert their earplugs and refuse to try to comprehend what they're being told. Or they just get off on being confronted. I've seen people appear as if they're actually consuming energy from it.
Logic doesn't work with bullies because they're not operating on a fact/logic driven basis.
Well often it's not that they're not operating on facts or logic, it's that they're choosing to twist or ignore the facts and use false logic to justify their behavior.
posted by fuse theorem at 7:57 PM on December 11, 2010
confrontations don't work with bullies because they cannot see how their behavior is wrong
I don't think this is completely true. Some bullies know very well their behavior is wrong, they just don't have enough (or any) motivation to compel them to change it. But confrontation is generally useless because they just put on their blinders and/or insert their earplugs and refuse to try to comprehend what they're being told. Or they just get off on being confronted. I've seen people appear as if they're actually consuming energy from it.
Logic doesn't work with bullies because they're not operating on a fact/logic driven basis.
Well often it's not that they're not operating on facts or logic, it's that they're choosing to twist or ignore the facts and use false logic to justify their behavior.
posted by fuse theorem at 7:57 PM on December 11, 2010
My family is a bit like your family with the 'sickness is a sign of punishment' and 'people who are sick are just wanting attention' etc. This is about narcissism in my opinion - we didn't get that attention when were sick because we didn't deserve to get kind, nurturing attention. Your mother/my parents always have to have the last word and be the ones who get the attention [through sermonising, judging, silencing the other].
It wasn't in the family 'vocabulary' to be tender and respectful of children needing cuddles, attention and reassurance - for anything, sickness being one enactment of this. The blaming adult and the shaming mode of communication when tenderness is required are, to me, signs of rejection and ambivalence about the parent/child relationship overall. The child doesn't get to feel 'special' - the parents claim the 'special' authority that should be applied to the child. I think this is why people responding here are claiming the abusive basis of the relationships you have outlined.
I have found that at least naming the mode of parental fuck up has helped me. Once I got that my mother was a profound narcissist who had to claim authority over everything, especially our experience, evidence for this view seemed to be everywhere in my dealings with her. I would decode her crap by isolating what all those words about illness really meant: 'you can have that feeling that me being a weak human being is responsible for period pain [for example], but I don't agree.' You could calmly and assertively apply this to your brother's case when you witness this type of behaviour.
And to be fair, it sounds like your mother has the same ambivalence about her own right to medical care and lack of real self-worth that is a companion to a narcissistic personality type. My mother's cancer wasn't diagnosed til it was too late because she had also deeply internalised these conflations between sickness and blame. It's, as you know, so unhealthy for your brother to learn these mental pathways and you, it seems to me, need to keep reminding him of what a healthy attunement to our bodies' needs looks like. "Hmm, that cough sounds rough and it's been going for a few days now. Best see a doctor tomorrow and get that checked over" [take him yourself and don't make a fuss about it] or even asking your mother if she is making sure she gets her mammograms, health checks as she gets older. If you are like me, there are abundant examples in life to show that these checks save lives.
This might be a way in to dealing with the ongoing health paradigm. If you are over 30 you need to be having regular checks. Bring it up casually - 'so I have to start having mammograms next year, where do you go to get yours?' Why not invite her to join you, at least remind her that this is what appropriate preventative medicine looks like. Wearing a scarf is not going to stave off breast cancer right?
posted by honey-barbara at 10:13 PM on December 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
It wasn't in the family 'vocabulary' to be tender and respectful of children needing cuddles, attention and reassurance - for anything, sickness being one enactment of this. The blaming adult and the shaming mode of communication when tenderness is required are, to me, signs of rejection and ambivalence about the parent/child relationship overall. The child doesn't get to feel 'special' - the parents claim the 'special' authority that should be applied to the child. I think this is why people responding here are claiming the abusive basis of the relationships you have outlined.
I have found that at least naming the mode of parental fuck up has helped me. Once I got that my mother was a profound narcissist who had to claim authority over everything, especially our experience, evidence for this view seemed to be everywhere in my dealings with her. I would decode her crap by isolating what all those words about illness really meant: 'you can have that feeling that me being a weak human being is responsible for period pain [for example], but I don't agree.' You could calmly and assertively apply this to your brother's case when you witness this type of behaviour.
And to be fair, it sounds like your mother has the same ambivalence about her own right to medical care and lack of real self-worth that is a companion to a narcissistic personality type. My mother's cancer wasn't diagnosed til it was too late because she had also deeply internalised these conflations between sickness and blame. It's, as you know, so unhealthy for your brother to learn these mental pathways and you, it seems to me, need to keep reminding him of what a healthy attunement to our bodies' needs looks like. "Hmm, that cough sounds rough and it's been going for a few days now. Best see a doctor tomorrow and get that checked over" [take him yourself and don't make a fuss about it] or even asking your mother if she is making sure she gets her mammograms, health checks as she gets older. If you are like me, there are abundant examples in life to show that these checks save lives.
This might be a way in to dealing with the ongoing health paradigm. If you are over 30 you need to be having regular checks. Bring it up casually - 'so I have to start having mammograms next year, where do you go to get yours?' Why not invite her to join you, at least remind her that this is what appropriate preventative medicine looks like. Wearing a scarf is not going to stave off breast cancer right?
posted by honey-barbara at 10:13 PM on December 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
fuse theorem - yes, I think you're right on both points, I did condense the issue down too much for the sake of simplicity. Some people are extremely well aware of what they are doing and how they can manipulate other people.
I've found in those situations though that it's usually to achieve some kind of ends - like trying to intimidate someone into doing something/money/sex/whatever - whereas in this case it seems that they're oblivious and/or they're getting off on the shaming aspect.
"I don't have to take this from you" also sounds like they're feeling in a position of powerlessness within themselves and are trying to exert dominance over the child and within their own minds. It's quite a childish-sounding reaction in my opinion rather than the stance of someone who's being truly manipulative.
Being calm, supportive, and understanding towards the brother would probably help in some way to diffuse it because yes some people absolutely feed on being confronted.
posted by mleigh at 2:34 AM on December 12, 2010
I've found in those situations though that it's usually to achieve some kind of ends - like trying to intimidate someone into doing something/money/sex/whatever - whereas in this case it seems that they're oblivious and/or they're getting off on the shaming aspect.
"I don't have to take this from you" also sounds like they're feeling in a position of powerlessness within themselves and are trying to exert dominance over the child and within their own minds. It's quite a childish-sounding reaction in my opinion rather than the stance of someone who's being truly manipulative.
Being calm, supportive, and understanding towards the brother would probably help in some way to diffuse it because yes some people absolutely feed on being confronted.
posted by mleigh at 2:34 AM on December 12, 2010
I have a mother that thinks she is immune from every illness because she takes good care of her health. She is very fearful of aging and dying. She attributes a cause to every illness. I have to explain to her that, "sometimes people just get cancer/Alzheimer's/xyz without smoking or eating poorly." She has even said, "I'm not going to get that." As though she has absolute control over her disease destiny. Yes, there are measures we can take to prevent many diseases and illnesses but to be absolutely certain that you will never get breast cancer when your own mother has it is kind of naive. I don't know what she thinks she will eventually die of since she is certain that she will never have a stroke, cancer, heart disease, or Alzheimer's.
I agree with others that you cannot change your parents. I think the most important thing you can do is continue being supportive to your brother. He is 15 and may not be able to grasp that his mother is fearful and perhaps mentally ill. Explain to him that mom has a lot of fear and this fear manifests in unhealthy ways. Your mother naively thinks that she has the power to prevent every illness.
Your brother needs to be his own advocate for his health. His sinus infection was not a dire emergency. Maybe it was a cold, maybe it was a true sinus infection, but what he could have done is refused to go to dinner and stayed home to rest. Teach and empower him that it is OK to opt out and rest. If he is sent to school ill explain to him that it is okay to go to the clinic at school. The nurse is going to want to call the parents and that may not go over well but he needs to know that his parents ideas of illness are whacked. Since his parents are not going to comfort him, he needs to learn to comfort and take care of himself.
If you think your mother is less crazy than people are surmising, try communicating with her without insulting. Your mom doesn't have the language or skills to communicate what she is really feeling. Maybe she is concerned and fearful that you will be very sick, or maybe she is a true narcissist. We really don't know. You need to cut her off immediately and not allow her to continue with the insults. You and your brother cannot be silent. The moment she says something you need to speak up. Every time she says something crazy, you can say:
"Wow, mom. That really hurts my feelings. The fact that I am nearsighted/farsighted is beyond my control."
"Mom, you're really lucky that you have perfect eyesight. The doctor told me that my farsightedness/nearsightedness/astigmatism is genetic. It was predetermined and I was like this in the womb."
"Mom, I think you're trying to tell me that you wish I had remembered my hat because you are afraid I might get sick. I'm glad you care about my well-being but the way you're communicating right now makes me feel hurt and rejected."
"I'm getting the message that you believe I brought this sinus infection upon myself. Your comments are making me feel uncomfortable and unsupported."
"You're right. I probably should have gotten more sleep. Maybe I should have worn my hat/rolled up the window. I love you mom and I think you're trying to show concern for me in your own way, but the way you're doing it is making me feel criticized and unloved."
posted by Fairchild at 7:19 AM on December 12, 2010
I agree with others that you cannot change your parents. I think the most important thing you can do is continue being supportive to your brother. He is 15 and may not be able to grasp that his mother is fearful and perhaps mentally ill. Explain to him that mom has a lot of fear and this fear manifests in unhealthy ways. Your mother naively thinks that she has the power to prevent every illness.
Your brother needs to be his own advocate for his health. His sinus infection was not a dire emergency. Maybe it was a cold, maybe it was a true sinus infection, but what he could have done is refused to go to dinner and stayed home to rest. Teach and empower him that it is OK to opt out and rest. If he is sent to school ill explain to him that it is okay to go to the clinic at school. The nurse is going to want to call the parents and that may not go over well but he needs to know that his parents ideas of illness are whacked. Since his parents are not going to comfort him, he needs to learn to comfort and take care of himself.
If you think your mother is less crazy than people are surmising, try communicating with her without insulting. Your mom doesn't have the language or skills to communicate what she is really feeling. Maybe she is concerned and fearful that you will be very sick, or maybe she is a true narcissist. We really don't know. You need to cut her off immediately and not allow her to continue with the insults. You and your brother cannot be silent. The moment she says something you need to speak up. Every time she says something crazy, you can say:
"Wow, mom. That really hurts my feelings. The fact that I am nearsighted/farsighted is beyond my control."
"Mom, you're really lucky that you have perfect eyesight. The doctor told me that my farsightedness/nearsightedness/astigmatism is genetic. It was predetermined and I was like this in the womb."
"Mom, I think you're trying to tell me that you wish I had remembered my hat because you are afraid I might get sick. I'm glad you care about my well-being but the way you're communicating right now makes me feel hurt and rejected."
"I'm getting the message that you believe I brought this sinus infection upon myself. Your comments are making me feel uncomfortable and unsupported."
"You're right. I probably should have gotten more sleep. Maybe I should have worn my hat/rolled up the window. I love you mom and I think you're trying to show concern for me in your own way, but the way you're doing it is making me feel criticized and unloved."
posted by Fairchild at 7:19 AM on December 12, 2010
It's business as usual to my brother and his family. . .
If you grew up with this, maybe you don't realize how wrong it is
You need also to provide an example of rational, sane behavior to your brother every time you can. . . you have to label the behavior as being as bad as it is or your brother could end up internalizing [it as natural]. . .
'Dude, Mom is nuts about sickness.'
Consider showing your brother this thread as a way of demonstrating that thirty out of thirty random strangers surveyed thought your mother's worldview is insane.
(If you do not want him to know your mefi username, I believe you can ask the moderators to make the thread anonymous first.)
posted by foursentences at 7:57 AM on December 12, 2010
If you grew up with this, maybe you don't realize how wrong it is
You need also to provide an example of rational, sane behavior to your brother every time you can. . . you have to label the behavior as being as bad as it is or your brother could end up internalizing [it as natural]. . .
'Dude, Mom is nuts about sickness.'
Consider showing your brother this thread as a way of demonstrating that thirty out of thirty random strangers surveyed thought your mother's worldview is insane.
(If you do not want him to know your mefi username, I believe you can ask the moderators to make the thread anonymous first.)
posted by foursentences at 7:57 AM on December 12, 2010
From someone who did not grow up in a family dynamic like this, I'd consider a response like "For fuck's sake, Mom, Louis Pasteur proved the germ theory of disease a hundred and fifty years ago. You can't shame someone into getting better. Cut it the fuck out."
Given the dynamics at play, though. . . your mom is trying to assert power and control. When my four-year-old does this, we firmly but neutrally short-circuit the attention/control attempt, usually by either removing her from the situation or removing her from our attention. Given that you can't put your mom in time-out without drastically exacerbating the situation, I'd go for the latter. Just communicate with your brother as though your mom wasn't there. Interrupting the shame stream with something like "Man, {brother}, Mom sure is insane about a common cold, isn't she?" or "Ok, {brother}, you do realize that Mom is bonkers and that your haberdashery habits have nothing to do with your current illness, right?" Make sure to address only your brother, and ignore any reaction your mother has.
posted by KathrynT at 7:07 PM on December 12, 2010
Given the dynamics at play, though. . . your mom is trying to assert power and control. When my four-year-old does this, we firmly but neutrally short-circuit the attention/control attempt, usually by either removing her from the situation or removing her from our attention. Given that you can't put your mom in time-out without drastically exacerbating the situation, I'd go for the latter. Just communicate with your brother as though your mom wasn't there. Interrupting the shame stream with something like "Man, {brother}, Mom sure is insane about a common cold, isn't she?" or "Ok, {brother}, you do realize that Mom is bonkers and that your haberdashery habits have nothing to do with your current illness, right?" Make sure to address only your brother, and ignore any reaction your mother has.
posted by KathrynT at 7:07 PM on December 12, 2010
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Another thing you should do is call your brother at least once a week, and let him know you care about him, and you're there for him and stuff. He doesn't seem to be in a very supportive environment, and really, your reaching out to him will probably be welcome. (I don't really know what the rest of our family dynamic is like, so ymmv)
posted by Jon_Evil at 11:22 AM on December 11, 2010 [13 favorites]