I made up my mind: I'm very, very indecisive. Please help.
December 11, 2010 9:18 AM Subscribe
How can I learn to be make better life decisions AND accept my choice once I've made one?
I am a terrible decision-maker in every regard, and I want to change.
1. I'm indecisive. I drag it out and waver incessantly. I over-think every pro/con, letting my thoughts incubate until they turn to mush and I've beaten the question senseless. I've flipped coins, but it's like I've repeated a word over and over until it loses its meaning... I experience no gut reaction whichever way the coin lands.
Part of it is that my parents are very traditional and controlling. The tension between trying to appease them and escaping their will has crippled my judgment: I'm influenced by their many misguided opinions, but in half-heartedly trying to placate them, I end up screwing myself over.
2. The decision that I do ultimately make is usually awful. I's hard to objectively generalize... but friends I've consulted prior will seem dismayed--if not appalled--at my ultimate decision. I've had chances to experience both sides of the fence, and in all those cases, the "other side" that had seemed greener -- really, decisively did turn out to be greener given time/distance to reflect on everything. And because I *have* made many bad decisions, I've increasingly lost confidence in my judgment, which exacerbates my indecisiveness.
3. It's hard for me to get over my buyer's remorse and embrace my choice. Part of it is this pathological "the grass is greener" mental rut. Once it's too late, it suddenly becomes crystal clear what I should have chosen. And that makes it really hard to move forward and make the most of my actual choice. The self-doubting becomes self-fulfilling.
At the moment, I feel gutted for having chosen what now unambiguously seems the lesser of 2 job offers: (A) part-time research job in an ER working with a challenging subset of patients, actually performing an intervention 1-on-1. It's a new study, with a lot of clinical exposure and the chance to contribute intellectually and help the PI fine-tune it. VS. (B) full-time cancer research in a clinic. I would get a lot of patient contact, but it would be of a limited, superficial nature -- mostly tracking down patients throughout the hospital and bringing them in to enroll in the study and take measurements. I would only see the PI a few times a month, but I liked the PI's willingness to allow me to do an independent mini-project, and potentially be added as an author to papers/posters (unlike the ER PI).
I fixated on trivial factors and let them cloud my judgment. (A) would involve moving to a new city asap, postponing my MCAT (thus incurring my parents' wrath), and finding another part-time job that would jibe with an ever-fluctuating schedule (my biggest concern-- this PT job demanded FT flexibility). But by choosing (B), the more "comfortable" choice, and avoiding those immediate hassles, I locked myself into a boring job -- more office monkey, slower-paced, less meaningful and intense patient contact, colleagues I'm not as excited to work with. For all my agonizing, I was unable to be flexible enough to think of how A's cons could be converted into pros down the line, or to negotiate solutions to all those hassles, or to even evaluate -- what did I want out of a clinical research job in the first place? Which mattered more, job content or pay? Etc. I was thorough--in hitting a mental wall over and over.
And now that I declined A, I'm clinging to it. I know in my heart I made the wrong choice. My brain is on fire thinking up all these ways I could've made A work, all the reasons why A is better than B , and furthermore, how I could possibly jump ship from B to A in 6 months time. I am completely beating myself up and so caught up in this endlessly skipping CD in my head. I keep thinking back to 48 hours ago when I still had both options open to me, and I keep despairing at a missed opportunity. The more I dwell, the more my performance in B could suffer, as every moment I'm not doing something awesome in B, I will be over-fantasizing about A. And since I haven't formally accepted B yet, I'm now wondering should I turn down a bird in the hand and keep looking for another job I'll like more??
How do I break out of this -- both the current hand-wringing over this specific situation, and the long-term pattern of indecisiveness and making bad decisions?
(I know I should probably see a therapist, but am too broke.)
I am a terrible decision-maker in every regard, and I want to change.
1. I'm indecisive. I drag it out and waver incessantly. I over-think every pro/con, letting my thoughts incubate until they turn to mush and I've beaten the question senseless. I've flipped coins, but it's like I've repeated a word over and over until it loses its meaning... I experience no gut reaction whichever way the coin lands.
Part of it is that my parents are very traditional and controlling. The tension between trying to appease them and escaping their will has crippled my judgment: I'm influenced by their many misguided opinions, but in half-heartedly trying to placate them, I end up screwing myself over.
2. The decision that I do ultimately make is usually awful. I's hard to objectively generalize... but friends I've consulted prior will seem dismayed--if not appalled--at my ultimate decision. I've had chances to experience both sides of the fence, and in all those cases, the "other side" that had seemed greener -- really, decisively did turn out to be greener given time/distance to reflect on everything. And because I *have* made many bad decisions, I've increasingly lost confidence in my judgment, which exacerbates my indecisiveness.
3. It's hard for me to get over my buyer's remorse and embrace my choice. Part of it is this pathological "the grass is greener" mental rut. Once it's too late, it suddenly becomes crystal clear what I should have chosen. And that makes it really hard to move forward and make the most of my actual choice. The self-doubting becomes self-fulfilling.
At the moment, I feel gutted for having chosen what now unambiguously seems the lesser of 2 job offers: (A) part-time research job in an ER working with a challenging subset of patients, actually performing an intervention 1-on-1. It's a new study, with a lot of clinical exposure and the chance to contribute intellectually and help the PI fine-tune it. VS. (B) full-time cancer research in a clinic. I would get a lot of patient contact, but it would be of a limited, superficial nature -- mostly tracking down patients throughout the hospital and bringing them in to enroll in the study and take measurements. I would only see the PI a few times a month, but I liked the PI's willingness to allow me to do an independent mini-project, and potentially be added as an author to papers/posters (unlike the ER PI).
I fixated on trivial factors and let them cloud my judgment. (A) would involve moving to a new city asap, postponing my MCAT (thus incurring my parents' wrath), and finding another part-time job that would jibe with an ever-fluctuating schedule (my biggest concern-- this PT job demanded FT flexibility). But by choosing (B), the more "comfortable" choice, and avoiding those immediate hassles, I locked myself into a boring job -- more office monkey, slower-paced, less meaningful and intense patient contact, colleagues I'm not as excited to work with. For all my agonizing, I was unable to be flexible enough to think of how A's cons could be converted into pros down the line, or to negotiate solutions to all those hassles, or to even evaluate -- what did I want out of a clinical research job in the first place? Which mattered more, job content or pay? Etc. I was thorough--in hitting a mental wall over and over.
And now that I declined A, I'm clinging to it. I know in my heart I made the wrong choice. My brain is on fire thinking up all these ways I could've made A work, all the reasons why A is better than B , and furthermore, how I could possibly jump ship from B to A in 6 months time. I am completely beating myself up and so caught up in this endlessly skipping CD in my head. I keep thinking back to 48 hours ago when I still had both options open to me, and I keep despairing at a missed opportunity. The more I dwell, the more my performance in B could suffer, as every moment I'm not doing something awesome in B, I will be over-fantasizing about A. And since I haven't formally accepted B yet, I'm now wondering should I turn down a bird in the hand and keep looking for another job I'll like more??
How do I break out of this -- both the current hand-wringing over this specific situation, and the long-term pattern of indecisiveness and making bad decisions?
(I know I should probably see a therapist, but am too broke.)
I also would have chosen job B. You just need time to focus on your mcat. Neither of these jobs are long term and job A may have burned you out while stable job B let's you study and support yourself.
posted by saradarlin at 9:41 AM on December 11, 2010
posted by saradarlin at 9:41 AM on December 11, 2010
Just posting because I used to work with undergrads and would see some of them go through this angst (especially if a parent picked or pointed them towards a career or major, or whatever). I also knew quite a few pple who struggled with the similar things, so just some top line thoughts that may or may not apply.
• Parents – if you can, step away and decide what you want to do. One of my concerns when I read your post is that I have even known people who did not want to become doctors go down that path….step away and find your voice/what you want. Please don’t be offended by this, but I have noticed this was an issue with people who were accepting money from their parents. Are you doing so? Then they may feel they have the right to intervene – if this is the case stop taking it (this may not be the case, OP, but I have seen quite a few pple do this, hence the point).
• View whatever job you pick as temporary. Jobs are not forever. You are going to med school (probably). The job should not consume the next 5 years of your life. If you follow the medschool route, probably no one will care taht you did job X for 1 year 5 years from now.
• You will learn new skills/make new friends at whatever place you pick.
• There is randomness involved. Job A, C, X, or Z may look great on paper. You may get there and find out that the owner of job A is a psycho, or whatever. You can’t know all the variables.
• If you are not happy in X months, give yourself permission to change it • I assume you already do this, but I have always done a list pros/cons, let it sit there, etc.
• Decide and let it go. I sound irrational stating this, but if I am unhappy, I have…walked out of jobs/moved/whatever. Now that you are going down this route, you can change it at any point. If you need to, 6 months from now, you can quit. Remember that.
• Change your mindset. It also seems odd that you are referring to your parent's role in this decision. You make the decision. Take responsibility for it.
posted by Wolfster at 9:48 AM on December 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
• Parents – if you can, step away and decide what you want to do. One of my concerns when I read your post is that I have even known people who did not want to become doctors go down that path….step away and find your voice/what you want. Please don’t be offended by this, but I have noticed this was an issue with people who were accepting money from their parents. Are you doing so? Then they may feel they have the right to intervene – if this is the case stop taking it (this may not be the case, OP, but I have seen quite a few pple do this, hence the point).
• View whatever job you pick as temporary. Jobs are not forever. You are going to med school (probably). The job should not consume the next 5 years of your life. If you follow the medschool route, probably no one will care taht you did job X for 1 year 5 years from now.
• You will learn new skills/make new friends at whatever place you pick.
• There is randomness involved. Job A, C, X, or Z may look great on paper. You may get there and find out that the owner of job A is a psycho, or whatever. You can’t know all the variables.
• If you are not happy in X months, give yourself permission to change it • I assume you already do this, but I have always done a list pros/cons, let it sit there, etc.
• Decide and let it go. I sound irrational stating this, but if I am unhappy, I have…walked out of jobs/moved/whatever. Now that you are going down this route, you can change it at any point. If you need to, 6 months from now, you can quit. Remember that.
• Change your mindset. It also seems odd that you are referring to your parent's role in this decision. You make the decision. Take responsibility for it.
posted by Wolfster at 9:48 AM on December 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
Wow...I could have easily written all of that. The controlling parents, the crippling indecisiveness, everything. The buyer's remorse part especially rings true to me as I look around a room where over all of my most expensive and important possessions (guitar, camera, laptop) hangs the shadow of the other, far superior model I was considering and probably should have gotten.
I can't really give you much guidance on this specifically but if you'd like a kindred spirit to talk, feel free to Memail me.
posted by shoebox at 11:00 AM on December 11, 2010
I can't really give you much guidance on this specifically but if you'd like a kindred spirit to talk, feel free to Memail me.
posted by shoebox at 11:00 AM on December 11, 2010
This may not be the most useful advice, but... I just read a book called How We Decide by Jonah Lehrer. Kind of a pop neuroscience thing. Anyway he talks about this, how it's easy to over think things; especially when there are a lot of factors to consider, the prefrontal cortex gets overwhelmed. A good strategy can be to take in all the information, and then go off and do something else for a while--sleep, or distract yourself, let the unconscious mind work on it. After that, go with the decision that *feels* right. Studies have shown that this strategy results in a better choice much of the time.
Also, cognitive-behavioral therapy might help you to be more aware of your thought patterns while they're happening, and identify which tacts are more or less useful for the task at hand.
I agree with the posters above--both jobs have a lot of up side and should help you get where you want to go. Just make the best of it and keep your eye on your future goals. You can always quit later if it doesn't work out.
posted by libraryhead at 11:01 AM on December 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
Also, cognitive-behavioral therapy might help you to be more aware of your thought patterns while they're happening, and identify which tacts are more or less useful for the task at hand.
I agree with the posters above--both jobs have a lot of up side and should help you get where you want to go. Just make the best of it and keep your eye on your future goals. You can always quit later if it doesn't work out.
posted by libraryhead at 11:01 AM on December 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
One mental trick I use to make these decisions that are rife with complications and emotional attachments, is to mentally turn it all off and simply ask myself "what's the right thing to do?"
Where "right" means the correct, ethical, moral, long-term versus short-term, whatever, choice.
Another way to do the same thing is to ask yourself what you'd advise someone else to do in the same situation. (It's like the advice here we see all the time: "DTMFA". Other people see the story and instantly intuit the answer, because they aren't being dragged down by all the less-relevant "decision clutter".)
Doing that not only helps you get to a good decision, it helps you accept it and not second guess it down the road. It's easy to regret a decision we don't feel comfortable with, because we remember all the confusion and pain that went with making the decision. But when we have some *reason* we made the decision, that confusion and pain starts to evaporate.
Simple example: Something happens and are going to disappoint someone. Do you call them and tell them ASAP, or do you just let it hang, avoid them for a while and hope they forget the disappointment by the next time you see them? From the outside looking in, just calling and getting it over with is the right thing to do. But when we are stuck inside a moment like that, parts of us are just SCREAMING to avoid having to make that call. We forget or ignore the long term consequences, because right now, we can make a decision that avoids that phone call, and that emotional path of least resistance is almost overwhelming.
And that's where the regret comes from: we know we knew the right answer, but we allowed something to block our paths, and it turns out we don't regret the decision nearly as much as we regret giving in to whatever that block was.
Also, when a decision is truly 50/50 (and they usually aren't, once we figure what the emotional blocks are) after you have done all of the above, do NOT flip a coin. Find some little thing that pushes one option to the top. It can be as simple as choosing the job that is closer to a restaurant you like, or the movie that ends sooner so I don't waste as much gas getting there.
The point of all of this is that by taking that moment to find an actual justifiable reason for going one way or another, when we look back at our decision making process, we can say "I took all of the information that I could possibly have at that moment, and I came up with a valid reason to make this decision." If it turns out to be wrong, it is a lot harder to blame yourself when you know there was nothing you could have done at that time. And if the decision turns out to be wrong, but you just missed some pertinent fact, don't let it fester. You didn't know that at the time, and now you do, and won't make that mistake again.
Don't confuse the effects of a decision with the reasons you made the decision. Maybe you have to pass on taking a better job over a worse job because there is some other thing that prevents it. That's not a decision you messed up, that was simply acknowledging the realities of the situation. Remember that part too.
Also, worrying about the past does no good. Can't change it. Accept that it happened. Because even in the light of a really bad decision, you don't want to compound the damage in the present by trying to pretend it didn't happen or that it will go away. Because those are just more bad decisions.
posted by gjc at 11:40 AM on December 11, 2010
Where "right" means the correct, ethical, moral, long-term versus short-term, whatever, choice.
Another way to do the same thing is to ask yourself what you'd advise someone else to do in the same situation. (It's like the advice here we see all the time: "DTMFA". Other people see the story and instantly intuit the answer, because they aren't being dragged down by all the less-relevant "decision clutter".)
Doing that not only helps you get to a good decision, it helps you accept it and not second guess it down the road. It's easy to regret a decision we don't feel comfortable with, because we remember all the confusion and pain that went with making the decision. But when we have some *reason* we made the decision, that confusion and pain starts to evaporate.
Simple example: Something happens and are going to disappoint someone. Do you call them and tell them ASAP, or do you just let it hang, avoid them for a while and hope they forget the disappointment by the next time you see them? From the outside looking in, just calling and getting it over with is the right thing to do. But when we are stuck inside a moment like that, parts of us are just SCREAMING to avoid having to make that call. We forget or ignore the long term consequences, because right now, we can make a decision that avoids that phone call, and that emotional path of least resistance is almost overwhelming.
And that's where the regret comes from: we know we knew the right answer, but we allowed something to block our paths, and it turns out we don't regret the decision nearly as much as we regret giving in to whatever that block was.
Also, when a decision is truly 50/50 (and they usually aren't, once we figure what the emotional blocks are) after you have done all of the above, do NOT flip a coin. Find some little thing that pushes one option to the top. It can be as simple as choosing the job that is closer to a restaurant you like, or the movie that ends sooner so I don't waste as much gas getting there.
The point of all of this is that by taking that moment to find an actual justifiable reason for going one way or another, when we look back at our decision making process, we can say "I took all of the information that I could possibly have at that moment, and I came up with a valid reason to make this decision." If it turns out to be wrong, it is a lot harder to blame yourself when you know there was nothing you could have done at that time. And if the decision turns out to be wrong, but you just missed some pertinent fact, don't let it fester. You didn't know that at the time, and now you do, and won't make that mistake again.
Don't confuse the effects of a decision with the reasons you made the decision. Maybe you have to pass on taking a better job over a worse job because there is some other thing that prevents it. That's not a decision you messed up, that was simply acknowledging the realities of the situation. Remember that part too.
Also, worrying about the past does no good. Can't change it. Accept that it happened. Because even in the light of a really bad decision, you don't want to compound the damage in the present by trying to pretend it didn't happen or that it will go away. Because those are just more bad decisions.
posted by gjc at 11:40 AM on December 11, 2010
I stopped agonizing over decisions I'd already made using this exercise:
If I had a time machine, how far down the list would "Go back and change X decision" be?
And then I think about all the things I'd rather do before I picked that job, or broke up with that person, or whatever: Kill Hitler right after World War I; keep Booth from shooting Lincoln; get a couple of guys arrested a week before September 11th... There's a really, really long list of things that I'd rather change, so I might as well just accept the relatively small ones.
posted by Etrigan at 12:51 PM on December 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
If I had a time machine, how far down the list would "Go back and change X decision" be?
And then I think about all the things I'd rather do before I picked that job, or broke up with that person, or whatever: Kill Hitler right after World War I; keep Booth from shooting Lincoln; get a couple of guys arrested a week before September 11th... There's a really, really long list of things that I'd rather change, so I might as well just accept the relatively small ones.
posted by Etrigan at 12:51 PM on December 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
I generally remove myself from the question, formulate the advice I'd give someone else, and do that.
First, in terms of buyer's remorse, living with regret is literally the biggest waste of energy in which you can invest yourself. (Really. Envy is more productive. Anger is more productive.) Stop dwelling on the path not taken, and invest your outlook in the road in front of you.
Second, realise that you are imagining better outcomes from different choices. Those outcomes are fairy tales. If you'd moved to City A, you might have had a job you liked more; you might also have moved into a building that burned to the ground with you in it, or been sexually harassed by your boss, or any of a million variables you simply cannot account for.
Finally, see Sliding Doors.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:40 PM on December 11, 2010
First, in terms of buyer's remorse, living with regret is literally the biggest waste of energy in which you can invest yourself. (Really. Envy is more productive. Anger is more productive.) Stop dwelling on the path not taken, and invest your outlook in the road in front of you.
Second, realise that you are imagining better outcomes from different choices. Those outcomes are fairy tales. If you'd moved to City A, you might have had a job you liked more; you might also have moved into a building that burned to the ground with you in it, or been sexually harassed by your boss, or any of a million variables you simply cannot account for.
Finally, see Sliding Doors.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:40 PM on December 11, 2010
I can definitely relate to this. I have a lot of difficulty making decisions, a lot of regret once I mention them, and I ruminate a lot about decisions before and after I make them. I constantly think about what I would do if I had a time machine and could go back like 10 years and make tons of different decisions - or even a few months and make some better decisions. I also have the feeling that I can't be blamed for not trusting myself to make decisions, because I feel I have made some pretty bad ones in the past.
For me, I think my indecisiveness is part of my depression. I am not saying I think you must be depressed, but that if you think it is a possibility you could look into it. Difficulty making decisions and rumination are very common symptoms of depression. I also have had the experience of "realizing" that I chose a job I shouldn't have, because the job seems to be bad in many ways, but that could have just been depression putting a bad spin on the situation. My theory is that for me at least, part of the difficulty is that I don't have gut feelings about things, and that most people do have gut feelings. If you are making a decision which is both complex and very consequential for you, and you don't have a gut feeling either way, it is very hard feel comfortable with any of the choices.
So for me the solution I am working on is seeing a therapist for cognitive-behavioral therapy. You could also find books or workbooks about cognitive behavioral therapy, and if you only need the parts about rumination and decision-making, stick to those. If you think a therapist would help but don't have health insurance through your job, there are a few threads on askmefi about how to find a therapist when you don't have insurance or money to pay them. Maybe being connected to your clinic would help?
Finally, I have to disagree a little bit with gjc. While a lot of my regret is about decisions I made because I let my emotion cloud my reason, a lot of it is about decisions in which I worked hard not to let emotion drive my decision. Also, I agree that very few decisions are 50/50, but many are close enough so it is hard to tell which decision is better. I find that accepting that both decisions are equally good given my current level of knowledge can actually help me feel more comfortable making a decision - after all, if there is no "right" decision, then there is no "wrong" decision either.
posted by hijol at 2:11 PM on December 11, 2010
For me, I think my indecisiveness is part of my depression. I am not saying I think you must be depressed, but that if you think it is a possibility you could look into it. Difficulty making decisions and rumination are very common symptoms of depression. I also have had the experience of "realizing" that I chose a job I shouldn't have, because the job seems to be bad in many ways, but that could have just been depression putting a bad spin on the situation. My theory is that for me at least, part of the difficulty is that I don't have gut feelings about things, and that most people do have gut feelings. If you are making a decision which is both complex and very consequential for you, and you don't have a gut feeling either way, it is very hard feel comfortable with any of the choices.
So for me the solution I am working on is seeing a therapist for cognitive-behavioral therapy. You could also find books or workbooks about cognitive behavioral therapy, and if you only need the parts about rumination and decision-making, stick to those. If you think a therapist would help but don't have health insurance through your job, there are a few threads on askmefi about how to find a therapist when you don't have insurance or money to pay them. Maybe being connected to your clinic would help?
Finally, I have to disagree a little bit with gjc. While a lot of my regret is about decisions I made because I let my emotion cloud my reason, a lot of it is about decisions in which I worked hard not to let emotion drive my decision. Also, I agree that very few decisions are 50/50, but many are close enough so it is hard to tell which decision is better. I find that accepting that both decisions are equally good given my current level of knowledge can actually help me feel more comfortable making a decision - after all, if there is no "right" decision, then there is no "wrong" decision either.
posted by hijol at 2:11 PM on December 11, 2010
Controlling parents have a way of making decisions a zero sum game. They are either right or wrong, good or bad. Mistakes are taken as evidence that you can't be trusted to make decisions. Since your judgement is clearly shaky, it's expected that you're parents will should supplant your own. Controlling parents often have a vein of narcissism running through them that believes their children's choices are somehow a reflection upon themselves. It's the kind of crazy-making logic that says your life isn't really about you, it's about your parents. This attitude can seriously cripple your faith in yourself.
Very few people have a perfect record. I suspect that the ones who say they do are sociopaths, narcissists, garden variety soulless twits who are a complete snore, or control freaks who make everyone around them walk on eggshells.
It's all very black and white, tedious, utilitarian, and anxiety provoking. The pressure to always be spot on with your choices robs you of the pleasures of experience for its own sake. It robs you of the satisfaction of watching yourself grow, mature and learn. If you're always looking in the rear-view mirror thinking you should have done x or y, you're not letting yourself really experience and inhabit a or b.
It's a cliche, but I think it's true - mistakes teach us about us and the world every bit as much as successes, more perhaps. I think if you can develop an attitude that approaches choices as learning curves and not successes or failures you'll ease the pressure to make the right ones every time all the time.
Take your new job. If you work the whole time kicking yourself for being in the wrong place, you're going to really stunt your ability to learn everything you can while you're there. You won't be all that open to the work... then you'll kick yourself even harder because it's proof that you messed up. Accepting the job won't be a mistake if you approach it with an open mind, as if it's new adventure with a lot to teach you.
Most adults get to the point when they realize that choosing one thing automatically necessitates unchoosing something else. That leaves us open to regret, which is painful. Most of us like to avoid pain. A good way to avoid that pain, and lessen the impact of regret, is to embrace your choices as precious moments and experiences that make you...you. I suspect that the more at peace you are with you the more at peace you'll be with your decisions.
It goes without saying that you can't appease your parents' will and escape it at the same time. I think you get that this half-in, half-out stance is tripping you up. Think of it this way, when you find yourself being pulled into their orbit...You have to live with your decisions, not your parents. Since you're the one who has to live with the consequences of what you do, they really have no right to weigh in on things that do not affect them.
Best of luck.
posted by space_cookie at 2:14 PM on December 11, 2010 [6 favorites]
Very few people have a perfect record. I suspect that the ones who say they do are sociopaths, narcissists, garden variety soulless twits who are a complete snore, or control freaks who make everyone around them walk on eggshells.
It's all very black and white, tedious, utilitarian, and anxiety provoking. The pressure to always be spot on with your choices robs you of the pleasures of experience for its own sake. It robs you of the satisfaction of watching yourself grow, mature and learn. If you're always looking in the rear-view mirror thinking you should have done x or y, you're not letting yourself really experience and inhabit a or b.
It's a cliche, but I think it's true - mistakes teach us about us and the world every bit as much as successes, more perhaps. I think if you can develop an attitude that approaches choices as learning curves and not successes or failures you'll ease the pressure to make the right ones every time all the time.
Take your new job. If you work the whole time kicking yourself for being in the wrong place, you're going to really stunt your ability to learn everything you can while you're there. You won't be all that open to the work... then you'll kick yourself even harder because it's proof that you messed up. Accepting the job won't be a mistake if you approach it with an open mind, as if it's new adventure with a lot to teach you.
Most adults get to the point when they realize that choosing one thing automatically necessitates unchoosing something else. That leaves us open to regret, which is painful. Most of us like to avoid pain. A good way to avoid that pain, and lessen the impact of regret, is to embrace your choices as precious moments and experiences that make you...you. I suspect that the more at peace you are with you the more at peace you'll be with your decisions.
It goes without saying that you can't appease your parents' will and escape it at the same time. I think you get that this half-in, half-out stance is tripping you up. Think of it this way, when you find yourself being pulled into their orbit...You have to live with your decisions, not your parents. Since you're the one who has to live with the consequences of what you do, they really have no right to weigh in on things that do not affect them.
Best of luck.
posted by space_cookie at 2:14 PM on December 11, 2010 [6 favorites]
Also I am not sure if it is better to give yourself permission to change your decision is good or not. If you do, then yes you can feel that your decision is less consequential and therefore less difficult. On the other hand, then you have to constantly make the decision over and over again. Barry Schwartz in The Paradox of Choice page 228 explains why he things we are happier about what we have chosen when we make our decisions nonreversible.
Also in regard to the emotion versus logic question, check out this article which references some interesting studies and books.
posted by hijol at 2:33 PM on December 11, 2010
Also in regard to the emotion versus logic question, check out this article which references some interesting studies and books.
posted by hijol at 2:33 PM on December 11, 2010
I agree with others that job B may actually have been the right one, so based on that, it sounds like your problem is less to do with seeing the costs/benefits and more to do with committing to your solution.
So, do you have a hobby where you can practice committing to decisions? I mean, some research suggests video action games improve your ability to make accurate decisions more quickly. It would not be a surprise if many, many hobbies that require frequent, committed decision-making could help inure you to these issues.
Watercolors, drawing in ink, hobby board games for adults, etc., etc.: I'm thinking of anything where you have to make a lot of decisions you can't erase, paint over, rearrange, or talk yourself out of later.
And personally, I happen to like this dictum: "the first principle ... when confronting an intractable problem is: bring to bear irrelevant criteria." You tried that with coins, and it did not work. But you can also try choosing based on color, uninformed advice, astrology, etc. Whatever makes it more fun to choose.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 3:00 PM on December 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
So, do you have a hobby where you can practice committing to decisions? I mean, some research suggests video action games improve your ability to make accurate decisions more quickly. It would not be a surprise if many, many hobbies that require frequent, committed decision-making could help inure you to these issues.
Watercolors, drawing in ink, hobby board games for adults, etc., etc.: I'm thinking of anything where you have to make a lot of decisions you can't erase, paint over, rearrange, or talk yourself out of later.
And personally, I happen to like this dictum: "the first principle ... when confronting an intractable problem is: bring to bear irrelevant criteria." You tried that with coins, and it did not work. But you can also try choosing based on color, uninformed advice, astrology, etc. Whatever makes it more fun to choose.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 3:00 PM on December 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
For purchases, I put together non-complex, but limiting parameters. (Which is what Monsiuer Caution just said.) Such as where I will make a purchase, and a window of money I am willing to spend. I pair that with the recognition that spending more than a certain amount of energy on deciding something or regretting something is a waste of time.
But then, I am not a believer in perfect. Simply in good enough. And if something surpasses sufficient, I am delighted.
posted by nita at 8:17 PM on December 11, 2010
But then, I am not a believer in perfect. Simply in good enough. And if something surpasses sufficient, I am delighted.
posted by nita at 8:17 PM on December 11, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by hazyjane at 9:23 AM on December 11, 2010 [5 favorites]