Here Comes the Bride, All Dressed in White, da da da daaa da da da da daaa da da...

December 7, 2010 6:10 PM

Please tell me all the versions of "Here Comes the Bride" that you know - the sillier, the better.

Our daughter's toys are all getting married these days, and there's this giant plastic dinosaur (played by me) who sings everyone down the aisle with obnoxious versions of "Here comes the bride, all dressed in pink - open the window and let out the stink". And, "Here comes the bride, all dressed in white - here comes the groo-oom dressed like a baboon" - and then the wedding is held up by fits of giggles and Elvis gets mad*. I've been avoiding the one regarding the three-letter f-word that might cause future body image issues - but I'm not ruling it out because we can have a "teaching moment" with that one, but even counting that, I'm running out of material!

Which ones did you sing when you were an obnoxious little kid? Or, feel free to make up some new ones within the usual format. And thanks, in anticipation of any response.

*Elvis is always marrying other ladies while Priscilla lives in a shoebox in the cabinet...er...Graceland; among them: Ariel ("Here comes the bride, dressed like a fish" - ...I got nothing. And, Tiana ("Here comes the bride, dressed like a frog - they'll spend their honeymoon kissing in a bog." And various blonde Barbies including Rock Star Barbie and Veterinarian Barbie ("Here comes the bride, dressed like a vet - watch out the ai-sle's been pooped on by her pet"). This is in effect until reproduction 1965 Astronaut Barbie lands in town on December 25, and she'll likely hook up with vintage GI Joe or Action Man, and then we'll have a new spate of weddings for everyone. So we've got time.

posted by peagood to Grab Bag (12 answers total)

Best answer: "Here comes the bride, all dressed in white
Where is the groom?
He's in the bathroom!
Why is he there?
He's in his underwear"
posted by msali at 6:12 PM on December 7, 2010

The only one I know, which I assumed everyone knew, is:
"here comes the bride, big fat and wide, see how she wobbles from side to side. Here comes the groom, skinny as a broom....something something something."

There, wasn't that helpful?
posted by TomMelee at 6:15 PM on December 7, 2010

Best answer: Here comes the usher
The ol' toilet flusher!
posted by theraflu at 6:23 PM on December 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

Here comes the bride
All fat and wide
Got in a taxi
Fell out the other side
posted by jontyjago at 6:31 PM on December 7, 2010

We had a slightly different version of msali's
Here comes the bride
All dressed in white
Where is the groom?
Locked in his room
Why is he there?
He lost his underwear
posted by Mchelly at 7:03 PM on December 7, 2010

Response by poster: Potty humour is EXCELLENT, as nearly-seven year olds have a fine appreciation for vulgarity. After all, Astronaut Barbie and GI Joe will be getting married on Uranus.

And yes, Annoying Dinosaur sings a lot of "something something somethings" and then it all devolves into more bathroom humour.

If only I could explain the whole roster of characters - everyone from the weasel couple on is having weddings, and we're even crossing species and genders sometimes - but mostly, it's all "Here comes the bride, with something on her shoe - she walked down the ai-sle and stepped in doggie do".

Anything that doesn't involve poo would be very nice for a change.
posted by peagood at 7:09 PM on December 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

Here's a few. (Heavy on the "big fat and wide" but a few others that are cute, like stepping on the turtle.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:14 PM on December 7, 2010

Here comes the bride
All dressed in white _{(substitute fat and wide for a better rhyme I guess)}
Slipped on a banana peel
and went for a ride
posted by trialex at 7:27 PM on December 7, 2010

This was mentioned in the great book American Children's Folklore, which gives this example:

Here comes the bride
Big, fat and wide
See how she wobbles
From side to side
Here comes the groom
Skinny as a broom
Had to use the side door
Because there wasn't room

A couple more versions on Playground Jungle.

This PDF has the "stepped on a turtle, down came her girdle" version I remember.

This Mudcat thread mentions a variant, "Here comes the bride all fat and wide, give her a piece of elastic to keep her knickers tied."
posted by Miko at 8:45 PM on December 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

On an episode of Under the Umbrella Tree, Iggy the iguana (puppet) sang this version:

Here comes the bride
in green and yellow hide,
see her slithering
from side to side!

Not sure how helpful that is, but man does it feel great to get to use this memory as an answer for something.
posted by jinjo at 5:03 AM on December 8, 2010

For Ariel--

Here comes the bride
She walks with a swish
That isn't her dress
It's the tail of a fish!

I really think there should be something specific to Elvis also (and I'll avoid the pelvis reference; that's just asking for it). I'll get back to you.
posted by dlugoczaj at 7:46 AM on December 8, 2010

Response by poster: Thanks, everyone. And thanks especially for the Playground Jungle link. I work as a lunch recess supervisor, and am always looking to pass on iconic cultural reference points. Case in point - I had to explain what a girdle for the rhyme with turtle. Kids these days! What rhymes with Spanx?
posted by peagood at 5:18 PM on December 8, 2010