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December 6, 2010 7:29 PM

Someone I know is depressed. The Christmas present she'd probably love isn't the one that would 'help' her the most. Which is better?

Someone I care about (and who does not live in my city) is depressed and prone to self-isolation via computer games, Facebook and/or etsy, tending to her bird feeders, Nintendo DS, and TV. The thing she'd probably love most is a Nintendo DSi XL version (the new, bigger kind). But probably what would make her happier in the long run is a new friend and/or lover in her city. Not a hugely social person even when feeling better, she does like to have one or two close pals and even a boyfriend if the situation is just right; for various reasons, she doesn't have such people in her life right now. The dilemma is, she is not inclined to go to places to meet these sorts of potential friends and more-than-friends. I was therefore thinking about getting her a cooking class as a gift. But is that a total drag? She is only so-so interested in cooking, but is even less interested in other potential activity-type pursuits (i.e. knitting classes, sports). It might make her feel sick to go to the class, until she got her feet wet there.

I remember that one of the worst presents I ever received was a subscription to a quarterly nutrition newsletter, kindly offered up by a dietician friend who thought I could eat better. I do think it's important that gifts are presents and not prescriptions, but I'm torn here with regard to my lonely friend - a new DS or a cooking class? Thanks in advance for your thoughts.

posted by analog to Human Relations (25 answers total)

Best answer: You've managed to describe them both as terrible gifts for her at this time in her life. Surely you can think of something else! Could you come to visit and go with her to some social events to help her get her feet wet?
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:32 PM on December 6, 2010 [1 favorite]

There is a middle ground: Don't get her the gift that might make her worse, but don't take gift-giving as an opportunity for unsolicited advice, either. Get her a sweater.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 7:34 PM on December 6, 2010 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Don't give her something that's going to require she do something she doesn't want - something that she's not even all that interested in. She won't use the gift, and then she'll feel guilty every time you ask her about it. The road to avoiding your friends is paved with their own good intentions.
posted by katillathehun at 7:39 PM on December 6, 2010 [4 favorites]

Best answer: Get her what she wants, not what you feel she ought to have. Its almost always the better plan.

Although if you feel the DS would make her worse and are uncomfortable with the idea, is there anything else that would be harmless but still something she'd actually ask for?
posted by stillnocturnal at 7:42 PM on December 6, 2010 [2 favorites]

I don't think it needs to be an either-or (a new DS or a cooking class). If you can spent $100+ on her, how about paying her a visit for the weekend (or having her visit you)?
posted by sfkiddo at 7:47 PM on December 6, 2010 [1 favorite]

Best answer: my personal feeling is, being given something she wants will likely have a lot more "feel-good" healing power than being given something she will know you want her to have. my answer would be different if she were asking for heroin.
posted by facetious at 7:55 PM on December 6, 2010 [4 favorites]

Gift giving is not advice giving, giving someone a gift you think they will abuse is not a great idea, giving someone unsolicited advice via a gift is also bad news. You have a third option, give her a gift that does neither and find something else.

What about a gift card to a high end clothing store? Nonjudgmental and new clothing often accompanies the type of activities that you would like her to pursue.
posted by Felex at 8:08 PM on December 6, 2010

I don't know, trying to get her out of the house might be a good idea. A symptom of depression is not being able to make yourself do that kind of thing on your own steam. A helpful hand from a friend might be actually helpful. If she doesn't choose to go, she doesn't choose to go. Maybe get her that plus something else like a sweater to neutralize it. I wouldn't get her anything that she could use to self-sabotage herself like a video game. That's like sending an alcoholic a bottle of their preferred alcohol.
posted by amethysts at 8:14 PM on December 6, 2010

Best answer: Get her the Nintendo. Like others have said, gift giving isn't advice giving, she's not asking for something actively dangerous, etc. When I was depressed, people reminding me that they know who I really am and "get" me and my interests were so appreciated.
posted by sweetkid at 8:23 PM on December 6, 2010

Best answer: Agree with the above, saying this is a gift, not a lesson.

Also, do not give it to her with "This is for you, but......." because that completely ruins a gift. Give her the gift to bring some light into her life, and express your concerns another day.
posted by swimming naked when the tide goes out at 8:36 PM on December 6, 2010 [1 favorite]

Get her something she's been eyeing on Etsy, maybe?
posted by to recite so charmingly at 8:43 PM on December 6, 2010

Best answer: If it were me, I'd be more upset by the fact that you were ignoring what I had asked for specifically by giving me something you think I *should* have.

I mean, who wants a pink bunny suit when they can have the BB gun they've been wanting for months?

I completely understand where you're coming from, but Christmas is not the time to begin a large scale intervention. Embrace your friend with love, and tell her how much she means to you. Give her a month, and coax her into being more social by saying, "Hey! So I sort of noticed I haven't seen you a whole lot since I gave you that DS! Man, I should have thought about that, huh? *wink* Miss you lots, let me know when you have a chance to take a break from leveling up and we're going to have a night out!"
posted by patronuscharms at 8:48 PM on December 6, 2010 [4 favorites]

Best answer: If you can't give her the DS without feeling bad about it, you should think of something else. There's nothing worse than feeling guilty for using something that was given as a gift and intended to be fun.
posted by easy, lucky, free at 9:06 PM on December 6, 2010

Best answer: If those are the only two choices then Nintendo it is. Cooking lessons that she wouldn't enjoy and might not even go to aren't going to help.

But you may be able to think of other things that she would enjoy that might at least get her out of the house more. Things like travel vouchers and show tickets come to mind. And if she likes birds - you mentioned feeders - there are probably things like birding weekends, or she might like a pair of binoculars or camera equipment.

It would be wonderful if you could give people a gift of a friend or a lover, but it doesn't really work that way. The only friendship you can really give is your own.
posted by philipy at 9:21 PM on December 6, 2010

Best answer: Give her the DS. Depressed people get plenty of "shoulds", believe me, and the last thing she needs is a gift echoing them. She should be going out! She should be meeting people! She should be smiling more! Ugh.

So get her what she wants, and THEN offer to go shopping with her for some more games, which she will also want, and use that as an opportunity to get her out of the house, and then pat yourself on the shoulder for being a good friend and NOT preaching at her about what she 'should' be doing.
posted by misha at 9:24 PM on December 6, 2010 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Cooking classes aren't the only places to meet people. I agree with most people above - get her something in line with her interests! But maybe you could find something "social" as well. Is there a con she'd like to go to soon? Maybe a pre-order ticket for that. Or a gift certificate to a game store near her - she can go to the store, chat with the people there, learn about their game nights and groups. There are many different routes to making friends and even ones related to this person's isolated interests, I swear.
posted by Mizu at 9:26 PM on December 6, 2010 [4 favorites]

Maybe not what you want to hear, but there's a new 3-D DS system coming out early this coming year. It's not just a 3D gimmick, it's a much more powerful system with games that will be incompatible with the DSi. It might not be the best time to buy a DS.
posted by Earl the Polliwog at 10:58 PM on December 6, 2010

Best answer: What should I get for my friend for Christmas? She's been eating a lot of junk food lately, and I'm worried about her health, so while I know that what she'd really like is a nice box of chocolates, I was thinking I should give her a subscription to a quarterly nutrition newsletter so that she can learn to eat better.

Come on! You've even been on the receiving end of this kind of gift!

Get her the DS, or something else entirely, but don't get her something intended to "fix" her. When you talk to her on the phone, or visit, or e-mail, you can see if she's receptive to talking about her situation. Friends do have a bit of leeway in terms of being able to offer un-asked-for advice, so certainly show your concern for her, but don't do it under the guise of a Christmas gift.
posted by Meg_Murry at 6:09 AM on December 7, 2010

Well, there's no right answer to this - you yourself recognize and point out that there are plus and minus for both options, and different people will come to different conclusions, so in the end it's up to you to make a choice and live with it. The advice of seeking out a third option is probably the most sensible.

But I wanted to just say something about gifts in general, because so many people are piling on to say gifts should just be what the person wants and not "advice" from others. I totally agree that gifts shouldn't be judgments, but I think you do too, which is why you're asking this - will a cooking class come across like a judgment?

I don't think gifts should just be fulfilling someone's wish list though. Then what's the point? If I spend $100 to get something off your wish list, and you spend $100 to get something off mine, we may as well not exchange anything to begin with. The whole point of a gift is that you get the person something they wouldn't get for themselves, or wouldn't have thought of or been brave enough or considered themselves the type to get. I mean, of course sometimes it's just that you come across it first or it's indulgent or whatever, but the best kind of gift, in my opinion, is one that is actually offers you something you hadn't known about before.

As for the dietician & the newsletter: if you were happy with your diet, the newsletter was a judgment. This person is not happy with her gaming lifestyle. Also, the cooking class isn't directly at odds with what she does; it's just in addition to it. It'd be more like a person who had some weight issues being given a salsa class as a gift - it's not blatantly about her weight, but it could help. Would that be okay? Like this, I think it depends strongly on the person who's receiving the gift. You could solicit the advice of mutual friends, or go with your gut, or come up with some kind of compromise that you feel a little less conflicted about.

But personally, so long as you don't dress it up as all about getting her out of the house, I think this could be a fine gift. Focus on whatever interest she does have in cooking, what you've heard about the class, and just make it a casual "something different" sort of present. There's no reason she has to feel singled out in this trendy foodie culture that someone wants to give her the opportunity to learn the difference between sauteing and pan-searing...
posted by mdn at 7:44 AM on December 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

mdn, awesome answer, totally agree.
I could be your friend. When I moved to a new city and didn't know very many people at all, it was much easier for me to pursue "at home" hobbies instead of taking on the difficult task of "going out" hobbies that required dreaded small talk, worrying about if I was wearing the right clothes, etc. If I had received cooking lessons as a gift, I would probably feel sick to my stomach until I got my feet wet, too, but then again, I feel like that about a LOT of things that I don't want to do but I know I should. Also, I wouldn't look at the gift as a judgement, just as a thing that a more extroverted person would think I'd like.

Anyway, cooking class would be cool, or the good clothes option mentioned above, or a GC to a salon or something - I definitely always feel more ready to meet people if I feel put together.
posted by coupdefoudre at 8:31 AM on December 7, 2010

Best answer: If it has to be an either/or, I'd say the DS. Cooking classes that she has no desire for and might not even go to won't have a good result and will waste your money.

If you want to branch out a little, I don't think it would hurt if you found an activity that involved leaving the house, as long as you knew it was something she was interested in. The bad thing about the cooking wasn't that it was getting her to leave the house when she possibly didn't want to, it was that you were well aware that she didn't even really have any good feelings about cooking. Without knowing your friend, her city, or your budget, it's hard to say, but things that sound kind of fun off the top of my head are: some sort of locally organized "birding" trip, a craft expo, hot-air balloon or boat rides, a bunch of one-time certificates to things around town (rock-climbing gym, wine-tasting, old-movie night), or some sort of con that she would like. The salon/clothes gift certificates are good ideas for some people, but if she's prone to feeling that these things are jabs at her appearance, I'd be careful.

Christmas gifts are usually just for fun, not what would make someone happier in the long run or improve their health and lifestyle. But experience presents are sometimes the most fun, so I wouldn't totally rule those out, if you can think of anything awesome. I'd just be wary of picking the experience based on the "meeting people" potential.
posted by wending my way at 9:45 AM on December 7, 2010

Get her 2 webcams and also a 3rd for yourself if you dont already have one. Invite her to Skype with you and tell her the extra webcam is to give to another firend or family member she'd like to skype with.
posted by WeekendJen at 11:36 AM on December 7, 2010

Best answer: I speak as somebody with depression and anxiety who likes to play lots of games by myself.

If a good friend gave me cooking classes (I actually like to cook) I would have a very hard time going, especially by myself. My social anxiety is sometimes very debilitating even though I am a friendly, outgoing person. I get so anxious about things I 'have' to go to that I can have massive panic attacks that set me back for weeks. Walking into a cooking class with a bunch of strangers would feel like somebody shined a spotlight on all my imperfections (real or imagined.) Even if I really wanted to go, it would be a hard thing.

If you want to give your friend a gift that gets her out of the house I would choose something like tickets to a local performance, or even gift certificates to the movies. It's getting her out of the house, but she doesn't have to 'do' anything while she's there. It gives her a reason to dress up, but no anxiety about being in the public eye.
posted by TooFewShoes at 2:05 PM on December 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I see what you mean about the Nintendo. Frankly, having been depressed & computer-addicted, I do see it as giving alcohol to an alcoholic. A Wii or something might at least mean exercise.
Actually, if she's not an alcoholic, even alcohol might be better, being a social lubricant and all. :P

Depending on *how* so-so she is about cooking, maybe that. Only if she'd be much more interested than you were in the Nutrition magazine!

Has she been in that city for long?
Perhaps you could give her a kind of 'City Warming' theme present?
Or if you used to live in that city, a note explaining you wish you could do these things with her, so you've sent them along as a present instead?

Like, a basket with things like a map of the city, with circles marked out of markets that would have things like Etsy on them, and a bag of birdfeed with parks that have different birds marked on them, a roll of quarters tied together with notes from you in between, telling her how awesome you think she is, tagged 'for buskers' or something like that. Local etsy sellers from - http://www.etsy.com/shop_local.php ? A massage voucher. A cafe voucher. And a couple of meals or drinks for two, vouchers? All highlighted on the the map.
Or possibly a pass-the-parcel style present wrapped up with a note, or little treats all the way through, so that whenever she is feeling a bit low, she can unwrap a layer for a new little present?

Seriously, little good things helped me heaps for depression. Often it's not the size of problems to good things, it's the quantity.

And with a good range of things she can enjoy at home versus some that mean not venturing too far from home, there's encouragement, and pick-me-ups along the way.

Dang. That's a good present. I should do that some time... !
posted by Elysum at 8:30 PM on December 7, 2010

Response by poster: Thank you so much, everyone, for all of your responses. I'm leaning toward some sort of compromise - maybe a Nintendo game (instead of a whole new DS) and some mini binoculars and maps of local nature areas so that she can further explore her interest in birds. And maybe at some point in the future we can attend a cooking class together. Thanks again!
posted by analog at 9:05 PM on December 7, 2010