15 short days...

December 5, 2010 3:31 PM

Falling for someone that is leaving... in 15 days... should I tell them? I am not even sure if the feelings are reciprocal. If you have advice for the foolish and insecure, please see the ridiculous bean-plating that follows...

We met where I volunteer and I'm not really the outgoing type of guy that meets new people in public, but this woman was more outgoing and she talked to me while I was volunteering and we turned out to have more than a few things in common, so I invited her to a theme party I was throwing.

There was about a month in between and we didn't really get a chance to meet up again before the party, but we did go out about a half-dozen times since then... and she's turned out to be the kind of person that I'd think about dating if she were local. I think she might be into me because she's politely declined to do any more group activities with me instead suggesting "just-us" type things... as well, she just seems very relaxed and trusting, but again that could just be her character.

She's heading back to Europe (where she lives/studies) in 15 days, so I don't really know what there is to gain by telling her, especially since it's unlikely we'll be able to get together before she leaves... I figure since she didn't really make any clear romantic overtures there isn't much reciprocal feelings... ugh.

I suspect this has more to do with my own insecurities than anything else... and I feel like a manipulative jerk for not figuring myself out earlier and saying something while we could have had time to talk and explore things... now it just seems like a last-ditch effort for some action? I dunno...

If you were in her shoes would you want to know that your new foreign friend has feelings for you? Any other comments or criticisms are welcome too.

posted by glip to human relations (23 answers total)

If you had fallen for me, I would want to know, even if it weren't reciprocal or even if there were no follow up potential. There is no way you can get together in the next 15 days? If I had fallen for someone, I would work very very hard to see if that could happen. I'm not sure what you should say. But it seems to me, you should open the door if you've got the chance.
posted by kch at 3:39 PM on December 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

In similar shoes, I said something, laid out options for continuing or not, and left the decision up to her. She did not take me up on my fine feathery offer, which was a sting, but not unsurprising. I found I was able to get over the sting and the emotional momentum within about 24 hours and continue to be friendly and close with her anyhow.

If you think you can do the latter, and can also do the former without being further manipulative, and you don't think you're impeding someone else's romantic interests more than you're comfortable with, I would tell her, because the alternative, wondering how it would have gone, sucks more.

But if you doubt you can do it with an open heart, I say don't bother. On the off chance she took you up on your fine feathery offer, it would suck to do it with a dark side heart.
posted by kalessin at 3:39 PM on December 5, 2010

YES! Just don't come with expectations.
posted by Blasdelb at 3:40 PM on December 5, 2010 [5 favorites]

She's heading back to Europe (where she lives/studies) in 15 days, so I don't really know what there is to gain by telling her, especially since it's unlikely we'll be able to get together before she leaves...

It could be a beautiful thing. Why do you have to gain anything by it? If its reciprocal then even if nothing comes of it you will have lovely memories decades later. If its not reciprocal...well, she's leaving for Europe. :p

I think she might be into me because she's politely declined to do any more group activities with me instead suggesting "just-us" type things... as well, she just seems very relaxed and trusting, but again that could just be her character.

Sounds to me like she digs you and wanted/wants a flingy type thing with you.
posted by ian1977 at 3:57 PM on December 5, 2010

If you think you may have genuine feelings, then by all means let her know. Life is short, and you always regret the things you don't do more than the things you do. On the other hand, if you're kind of "meh", then why make the hassle for either of you? If you're unsure, try tossing a coin. It helps to crystallise the decision. If you go from heads-or-tails to best-of-three, you'll know that you didn't like the first outcome.
posted by Jakey at 4:04 PM on December 5, 2010

Keep doing what you're doing, keep hanging out, it may be nothing will happen, in which case you lose nothing, it may be she is lining you up for a farewell shag, in which case, wa-hey. It may be that you can work something outwhere you see her down the line if you keep getting on well, shag or not.
posted by biffa at 4:13 PM on December 5, 2010

I think going into it without expectations is key. I did something like this once - I began a summer romance with a friend knowing it would be over shortly, and it ended right when it was supposed to. Do I regret it? Not for a second. I got to know someone better and made wonderful memories that I still look back on fondly. And we stayed friends for a long long time after that - it was like a way of getting to know someone better. Most importantly, I would have regretted NOT doing it.

If you are up for something like this and you think she might be too, then go for it! Just as long as y'all are both on the same page and open to whatever pain or pleasure might come your way.
posted by bookgirl18 at 4:27 PM on December 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

Put your expectations to the side, like everyone says.

Call her up and ask her on a date, because why not? One of the best lines I ever heard was from a guy with a crush saying good-bye to my friend. He hugged her, stood back and said, "Ah. You and me. We could have been lovers, you know."

It absolutely would have worked if he'd said it fifteen days (rather than fifteen minutes) before she left.
posted by motsque at 4:44 PM on December 5, 2010 [3 favorites]

Go For It!
posted by lungtaworld at 5:13 PM on December 5, 2010

go for it
posted by facetious at 6:02 PM on December 5, 2010

I had a two week long "thing" with a guy I worked with one summer that started two weeks before I left. It was fun, going into it we knew it wouldn't really make sense to continue, and I had someone to hang out with and cuddle while watching movies for the last two weeks I was home. Now I have someone who I know well and really enjoy talking to on the phone or sending a chatty e-mail and giggling about that time we kissed during "A Whole New World" in Aladdin just to say that we could. As long as you're not expecting any grand gesture like her deciding not to leave for Europe, and you won't be totally broken if she says, "Well, too bad, because I don't like you..." I don't see what you have to lose!
posted by ChuraChura at 6:10 PM on December 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

Do it.
posted by analog at 6:20 PM on December 5, 2010

The most satisfying, drama-free, and overall sexy flings I ever had took place the week before a crush of mine moved back to Germany. GO FOR IT.


But just shrug it off if she says no.
posted by honeydew at 6:46 PM on December 5, 2010

Do it! It could be really fun if something happens, but if not, you can be pretty sure it's just because of the impending distance thing. In a way, you have little to lose.
posted by elpea at 6:54 PM on December 5, 2010

Europe is a fabulous place to visit or move to.
posted by salvia at 6:56 PM on December 5, 2010

(If she says "me too!" I mean. Not in a "oh, how surprising to be in the same city" stalker sort of way.)
posted by salvia at 6:56 PM on December 5, 2010

Scenario A: You tell her and she doesn't reciprocate. She'll be flattered, you'll move on.
Scenario B: You tell her and she's into you too. History is made.
Scenario C: You don't tell her and you always wonder what could have happened.

AVOID SCENARIO C.
posted by junipero at 8:54 PM on December 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

What do you have to lose? Even if it's not reciprocal, it'll still be flattering for her to be told she's attractive (as long as you're not creepy about how you tell her). Go for it - and let us know how you got on!
posted by MighstAllCruckingFighty at 9:44 PM on December 5, 2010

Do it. I faced the same situation when doing my thesis in Paris; had know her for about 2 months and she was leaving back for Canada. I got the nerve up to do something about it a week before she left.

16 years later, we just celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary! Was the long distance tough? Yes. Was it worth it? Hell yes.

Even if it doesn't last beyond the fling stage, you'll have memories instead of "what if".
posted by arcticseal at 10:27 PM on December 5, 2010 [1 favorite]

"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time;
it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable."
posted by blueberry at 11:50 PM on December 5, 2010

Well, I finally sent an email... thanks for enough rational responses to overpower my own self-doubt. I will try and post a follow-up if we get the chance to work something out... cheers all!
posted by glip at 12:09 AM on December 6, 2010 [2 favorites]

Geronimoooooooooo!

I connected with someone -- *years* after we first met -- just two days before I left to study abroad. We tried to make an LDR work, but we ended up in different cities and it petered out. All the same, I would still be kicking myself if I hadn't tried.
posted by wenestvedt at 8:32 AM on December 6, 2010

Ah so it turns out that she's not romantically inclined toward me, but that's alright... I didn't really have much of an idea what would have happened after she left anyway, and she's still cool with being friends so it's all good.
posted by glip at 5:48 AM on December 7, 2010 [3 favorites]