In relationships, can a slow start ever really pick up speed?
December 5, 2010 12:10 PM Subscribe
To those of you in love: can it ever grow from hesitancy into the real deal? Or does it need to be BAM: we're mad about each other?
posted by oneaday to human relations (17 answers total) 14 users marked this as a favorite
I have been seeing a fellow for the last 3 and a half months - we met through mutual friends, were instantly attracted to one another, turned out to have a lot of things in common, and have been seeing one another since. But after the initial period of excitement when he was chasing after me, it hasn't really gone anywhere. We meet up a couple times a week, have a lot of laughs, enjoy ourselves, have off-the-charts chemistry in the bedroom. We'll sometimes spend long aimless weekend days together, enjoying each other's company. But he never expresses the slightest hint of how he feels - no expressions of affection, of closeness, no off-hand sweet comments. If you read the transcript of our conversations, you'd assume we were just buddies. When I try to say sweet things to him, he'll sort of deflect them away, so I've stopped. He's not a big relationship talker, but he has told me that he loves spending time with me, and is really attracted to me, but doesn't want to move too quickly into something serious. We don't hold hands in public, and he only recently has started showing affection when we're out in public. I thoroughly enjoy my time with him and I value his company. I spend much more time thinking about him than I should. I've been through a very momentous breakup earlier this year and being with him has helped me regain perspective and set me right. I tell myself to just enjoy the time I have with this person and not worry about What It All Means. But there's the pride and self esteem issue. I'm pretty nuts about him, and I can't help but worry that I'm just passing the time for him, and he's essentially reluctant to start a real relationship with me. I'm not usually on this side of the coin - I don't know how to react to a guy that's not enthusiastically pursuing me. I also haven't done a lot of dating (been in long-term relationships w/o much dating in between) whereas he has done a lot of dating and hasn't had a long-term girlfriend in many years.
I felt that we have been slowly growing closer together, and that maybe this process of really becoming friends was a good foundation for the possibility of real devotion to form. But then a friend was telling me about her reconnection with an old flame, and how at the end of their first weekend together, and all-night sessions talking adoringly, they were professing this incredible draw to one another. It made me feel a bit depressed, and I thought: "That's what I need to have. I want us to be jumping out of our skins for one another. I'm ready to jump out of my skin for him, but he's obviously not with me."
So my question is: have any of you had a great relationship that came from a somewhat slow and plodding (and potentially reluctant) start? Or am I more likely than not just fooling myself that this can go anywhere? I don't think I need to be in a serious relationship right now, but I guess I want to know if there's any potential or if I'm just a good time gal (ouch).