Saying she's not interested without saying she's not interested?
December 5, 2010 9:03 AM Subscribe
Coworker-dating-rejections-filter: I can't, I'm busy with [specific plan] = I'm not interested?
I recently asked a girl if she was doing anything on the night in question and if she'd like to go out to dinner with me. She said no, she couldn't, she had specific plan X, but if for some reason that fell through she would let me know.
I followed up by email the next day suggesting a day a couple days out. She said no, she couldn't, she had specific plan Y on that day.
She's a co-worker of mine. We don't actually work together work together, and we rarely see each other at work unless we make a point of going to say hi, which we both sometimes do, but we're not work BFFs. There's no rule against workplace dating. Both activities X and Y are plausible and things I wouldn't expect her to try to get out of, even assuming interest on her part.
I guess my question is, should I take a hint and drop this? I had thought there was some chemistry there--enough that I expected her to say yes. She didn't say yes, I'd love to go out with you, I'm busy that night but how about some other time? But she also didn't exactly say no. Should I tell her to let me know if she's free sometime and put the ball in her court that way, or is it already in her court? In general I'm not opposed to taking that last step (it can't hurt), but the co-worker thing makes me wonder if I'm being offered and should take the opportunity to bow out gracefully.
I recently asked a girl if she was doing anything on the night in question and if she'd like to go out to dinner with me. She said no, she couldn't, she had specific plan X, but if for some reason that fell through she would let me know.
I followed up by email the next day suggesting a day a couple days out. She said no, she couldn't, she had specific plan Y on that day.
She's a co-worker of mine. We don't actually work together work together, and we rarely see each other at work unless we make a point of going to say hi, which we both sometimes do, but we're not work BFFs. There's no rule against workplace dating. Both activities X and Y are plausible and things I wouldn't expect her to try to get out of, even assuming interest on her part.
I guess my question is, should I take a hint and drop this? I had thought there was some chemistry there--enough that I expected her to say yes. She didn't say yes, I'd love to go out with you, I'm busy that night but how about some other time? But she also didn't exactly say no. Should I tell her to let me know if she's free sometime and put the ball in her court that way, or is it already in her court? In general I'm not opposed to taking that last step (it can't hurt), but the co-worker thing makes me wonder if I'm being offered and should take the opportunity to bow out gracefully.
Best answer: I think two suggested meetings that have been rejected without a "but how about activity Z on day 3" response is a pretty clear "not interested" signal. Sorry.
posted by modernnomad at 9:12 AM on December 5, 2010 [13 favorites]
posted by modernnomad at 9:12 AM on December 5, 2010 [13 favorites]
Be clear. Say, "Well, I'm interested in spending some time with you. If that's the kind of thing you're interested in, let me know when you're free."
posted by entropone at 9:15 AM on December 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by entropone at 9:15 AM on December 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
Which days are you asking her out on? Dinner on a weekend or Friday may be a little too much for a first date. Hell, a dinner date in itself is not a great idea for a first date. How about asking her for a drink on a weeknight, if you haven't tried that? If she's trepidant, offering a date that is a lot easier for her to politely escape form, need be, could be your ticket. That is, getting out of drinks is a hell of a lot less complicated to leave if you turn out to be a total creep.
Non-creepy persistence is a virtue. Tone down the seriousness of the event and you may well get a date.
posted by griphus at 9:22 AM on December 5, 2010
Non-creepy persistence is a virtue. Tone down the seriousness of the event and you may well get a date.
posted by griphus at 9:22 AM on December 5, 2010
Best answer: should I take a hint and drop this?
Yes. Even if she's not trying to brush you off, it is too much work to date someone who lacks the initiative to propose a meeting of her own after turning down two of yours.
posted by grouse at 9:25 AM on December 5, 2010 [18 favorites]
Yes. Even if she's not trying to brush you off, it is too much work to date someone who lacks the initiative to propose a meeting of her own after turning down two of yours.
posted by grouse at 9:25 AM on December 5, 2010 [18 favorites]
Be clear. Say, "Well, I'm interested in spending some time with you. If that's the kind of thing you're interested in, let me know when you're free."
I would advise against this. The first half is too candid for someone you barely know, and the second half and the second is too vague for a woman who clearly knows what you want -- and if you asked her for dinner, chances are she knows exactly what you want -- but has no intention of running with the ball.
posted by griphus at 9:25 AM on December 5, 2010
I would advise against this. The first half is too candid for someone you barely know, and the second half and the second is too vague for a woman who clearly knows what you want -- and if you asked her for dinner, chances are she knows exactly what you want -- but has no intention of running with the ball.
posted by griphus at 9:25 AM on December 5, 2010
Yeah, if I was into someone, I definitely would have suggested an alternative date/activity by now. Sorry. :( At any rate, I feel the ball's already in her court... if she was genuinely busy but interested, it's super easy for her to email you and say "Hey, my crazy schedule has calmed down, can I still take you up on that dinner?". But I'd lay low for now.
posted by miss_kitty_fantastico at 9:30 AM on December 5, 2010
posted by miss_kitty_fantastico at 9:30 AM on December 5, 2010
As far as a long-term "strategy" goes, I think there is more to be gained in showing that you are not creepy or desperate than in that you are "quietly persistent."
posted by grouse at 9:32 AM on December 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by grouse at 9:32 AM on December 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
I found myself turning a coworker down in this fashion before. I wasn't proud to be ambiguous, but in the heat of the moment, I just couldn't bring myself to say, "I'm not interested in dating" to his face- and I said, "I'm busy but I'll let you know if I get any free time." Never followed up. He took it as a rejection, luckily, and didn't press the issue. (I still feel kinda bad.)
My advice, definitely don't ask her out again. That ship is sailed. But if you can do it without making it weird, you might email or text her saying, "let me know if you ever get some free time" and then drop contact. Odds are looking bad to me, though, sorry.
posted by Nixy at 9:34 AM on December 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
My advice, definitely don't ask her out again. That ship is sailed. But if you can do it without making it weird, you might email or text her saying, "let me know if you ever get some free time" and then drop contact. Odds are looking bad to me, though, sorry.
posted by Nixy at 9:34 AM on December 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
I think two suggested meetings that have been rejected without a "but how about activity Z on day 3" response is a pretty clear "not interested" signal. Sorry.
This. I don't think you should ask her out a third time, but I think it would be fine to follow up this last rejection with a vague "Ok, let me know if you want to hang out sometime, kthxbye." (However: have you been asking her out, as in making it clear that it is a "date," or have you been kind of inviting her along to some activities that you were doing anyway, leaving it super vague whether or not it is a date? I'd read her "no thanks" a bit differently, depending on how the asking was done.)
posted by Forktine at 9:40 AM on December 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
This. I don't think you should ask her out a third time, but I think it would be fine to follow up this last rejection with a vague "Ok, let me know if you want to hang out sometime, kthxbye." (However: have you been asking her out, as in making it clear that it is a "date," or have you been kind of inviting her along to some activities that you were doing anyway, leaving it super vague whether or not it is a date? I'd read her "no thanks" a bit differently, depending on how the asking was done.)
posted by Forktine at 9:40 AM on December 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
I fear that you may be veering into unwanted advances territory, which is very much not a good idea in the workplace. Here is what the wikipedia article about sexual harassment lists under types of harassment: Pest - This is the stereotypical "won't take 'no' for an answer" harasser who persists in hounding a target for attention and dates even after persistent rejections. This behavior is usually misguided, with no malicious intent.
posted by Wordwoman at 9:49 AM on December 5, 2010
posted by Wordwoman at 9:49 AM on December 5, 2010
I think she's not interested, and you should bow out gracefully. She would have proposed an alternative date if she wanted to go out with you.
posted by bluefly at 9:57 AM on December 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by bluefly at 9:57 AM on December 5, 2010 [2 favorites]
Regardless of its legality, don't put her in that spot. I've been on the other side of this and its just super, super awkward and makes me feel terrible, especially if it keeps happening. You asked her twice, she knows you're interested. If she is too, and she really was busy, she'll ask you.
posted by devilsbrigade at 9:58 AM on December 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by devilsbrigade at 9:58 AM on December 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
Let it go. If she has twice made excuses without giving you an alternative, that means no. And as for me, "quietly persistent" equals aggravating and possibly creepy. Sorry, but forget it.
posted by uans at 10:03 AM on December 5, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by uans at 10:03 AM on December 5, 2010 [4 favorites]
If she were really interested in you, you wouldn't have to ask this question. She'd have gone to the effort to propose an alternative, without you even having to overthink it.
She isn't interested. Perhaps you mistook common workplace friendliness as chemistry.
posted by jayder at 10:05 AM on December 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
She isn't interested. Perhaps you mistook common workplace friendliness as chemistry.
posted by jayder at 10:05 AM on December 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
Don't send her another e-mail to ask her out or especially to bow out gracefully. Bow out gracefully by not sending more e-mails, if that makes sense.
posted by vincele at 10:11 AM on December 5, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by vincele at 10:11 AM on December 5, 2010 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks guys! It was helpful to get various opinions. While you don't all agree, you've helped me decide that I've clearly put myself out there and that was probably her saying "no thanks" -- and even if it wasn't, she knows where to find me and is free to make a follow-up effort.
posted by J. Wilson at 10:17 AM on December 5, 2010 [8 favorites]
posted by J. Wilson at 10:17 AM on December 5, 2010 [8 favorites]
I see so many of these "What does it mean that s/he said/did X" questions on MeFi.
The truth is not everyone will mean the same thing by the same words or actions. And if you, who were there, who knows the person more than we do, and who had the non-verbal signals to go on too, can't tell for sure what they meant, it's not likely that anyone here can tell for certain either.
Maybe she likes your company but didn't cotton on that your interest was romantic.
Maybe she's interested romantically but doesn't want to look too eager.
Maybe she doesn't like to talk about things like that with colleagues nearby.
Maybe you caught her at a moment when she was preoccupied with some work thing, and wasn't thinking too clearly about her response one way or the other.
Maybe you just frame things in such a way that it cues the response "Yes" or "No", rather than "I can do Sunday".
Maybe lots of things.
For what it's worth "I'm doing X, but I'll let you know if that changes" is not "No" in my book, it's "I'd like to, but I can't". But that can depend on the person and the tone of voice.
posted by philipy at 10:32 AM on December 5, 2010
The truth is not everyone will mean the same thing by the same words or actions. And if you, who were there, who knows the person more than we do, and who had the non-verbal signals to go on too, can't tell for sure what they meant, it's not likely that anyone here can tell for certain either.
Maybe she likes your company but didn't cotton on that your interest was romantic.
Maybe she's interested romantically but doesn't want to look too eager.
Maybe she doesn't like to talk about things like that with colleagues nearby.
Maybe you caught her at a moment when she was preoccupied with some work thing, and wasn't thinking too clearly about her response one way or the other.
Maybe you just frame things in such a way that it cues the response "Yes" or "No", rather than "I can do Sunday".
Maybe lots of things.
For what it's worth "I'm doing X, but I'll let you know if that changes" is not "No" in my book, it's "I'd like to, but I can't". But that can depend on the person and the tone of voice.
posted by philipy at 10:32 AM on December 5, 2010
@wordman's got it right. Work is for work, not trolling for dates. There are plenty of people out there, get out of the office and meet some. That and there's little sense in putting both your jobs (and income) at risk should things go horribly wrong.
posted by wkearney99 at 10:33 AM on December 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by wkearney99 at 10:33 AM on December 5, 2010 [1 favorite]
J. Wilson, I think you handled it fine and I think she handled it fine. Kudos to you both on making a potentially awkward co-worker situation go smoothly! You expressed interest, she expressed lack of interest, no open conflict or loss of face necessary, and you guys can continue to be cordial co-workers.
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:22 AM on December 5, 2010
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:22 AM on December 5, 2010
Where you went wrong here was treating a coworker like any other kind of potential date -- asking her out based on nothing more than the vague idea there was a bit of chemistry, making her awkwardly mix the need to remain collegial with rejecting you. I'm all in favor of workplace romance, but only if you're really sure there's mutual interest. And that's the fabulous thing about meeting people at work -- you get plenty of time to spend with someone getting to know them very well in a non-dating scenario, giving the opportunity for you both to discover your compatibility and be equally sure about wanting to take it to the next level.
posted by yarly at 12:06 PM on December 5, 2010
posted by yarly at 12:06 PM on December 5, 2010
Keep in mind that whether or not she dates you, you're her coworker and she'll still have to deal with you every single day. If it doesn't go well, or if she's not interested in the first place, she'd really rather not piss you off by giving you a flat out "No, I don't like you like that." So she's being nice by saying she has an excuse (i.e. "It's not you, it's me, please don't be offended"), but not offering to go out with you later in hopes you'll get the hint and not continue to put her in an awkward situation.
I have done this. It wasn't fun, but I liked the dude in general (if not romantically) and I still had to see him up close and personal every 5 out of 7 days. Then I got canned and uh... yeah, out of excuses there. But that's another story.
posted by jenfullmoon at 12:35 PM on December 5, 2010
I have done this. It wasn't fun, but I liked the dude in general (if not romantically) and I still had to see him up close and personal every 5 out of 7 days. Then I got canned and uh... yeah, out of excuses there. But that's another story.
posted by jenfullmoon at 12:35 PM on December 5, 2010
You know how hot your coworker is? How completely charming?
Someone else out there is even more hot and charming and amazing, who will absolutely dive across the room at the chance to go out with you. Ask that woman, the diver. Your coworker isn't her.
posted by phoebus at 11:55 AM on December 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
Someone else out there is even more hot and charming and amazing, who will absolutely dive across the room at the chance to go out with you. Ask that woman, the diver. Your coworker isn't her.
posted by phoebus at 11:55 AM on December 6, 2010 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Overall, I'd say that there's absolutely a chance that she's being intentionally polite-evasive, but it would be best to take the hint. If she is interested, she certainly knows that you are, and she'll probably find an opportunity to revive the topic at her convenience, so you don't have to worry that you're risking a big mistake by backing off.
posted by Tomorrowful at 9:08 AM on December 5, 2010 [6 favorites]