Unfriending...
December 3, 2010 12:53 PM Subscribe
How to unfriend someone without bad blood?
I have a not-close friend from college (10 years ago) who recently moved back into town. We were closer back when we all hung out together in college, in a larger group, but never very close. Now she is back and keeps inviting me to events, despite me continually making excuses and bowing out. I'm happy to run into her at gatherings and catch up, but that is about it.
I want to avoid having some sort of friend break-up conversation, especially since I do not consider her a close friend. She will not take the hint, however, and seems to be forcing the issue.
Final bit: I'm about to have a group birthday dinner, and am inviting a group of close friends. She sent an email saying "still haven't metup, saw your birthday is coming up... what do you have planned?" I don't know how to reply without being a liar. Do I have to go onto ask my friends to not put any photos up on FB or Flickr?
I'm not trying to be a douche... is there any graceful way out of this?
Thanks for your help-
cgs
I have a not-close friend from college (10 years ago) who recently moved back into town. We were closer back when we all hung out together in college, in a larger group, but never very close. Now she is back and keeps inviting me to events, despite me continually making excuses and bowing out. I'm happy to run into her at gatherings and catch up, but that is about it.
I want to avoid having some sort of friend break-up conversation, especially since I do not consider her a close friend. She will not take the hint, however, and seems to be forcing the issue.
Final bit: I'm about to have a group birthday dinner, and am inviting a group of close friends. She sent an email saying "still haven't metup, saw your birthday is coming up... what do you have planned?" I don't know how to reply without being a liar. Do I have to go onto ask my friends to not put any photos up on FB or Flickr?
I'm not trying to be a douche... is there any graceful way out of this?
Thanks for your help-
cgs
Best answer: I would reply, "Having a dinner with some close friends. Looking forward to seeing you soon." Or something like that. She'll get the hint, and you won't be lying, or being rude.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 1:03 PM on December 3, 2010 [9 favorites]
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 1:03 PM on December 3, 2010 [9 favorites]
Tell her, "Some of my closest friends are having a dinner in my honor." Let the ensuing silence give her a hint that she's not invited. If she asks who's coming, just say you're not in charge of the party (a little white lie, but one that takes the onus away from you).
The non-confrontational way to do this is to just ignore her invitations and contacts and let your decision to not respond back tell her the story.
The nice way to do this is to say gently, "Listen, I'm just so busy right now, it's hard for me to commit to anything with you. I'll give you a call at some point, okay?"
posted by HeyAllie at 1:05 PM on December 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
The non-confrontational way to do this is to just ignore her invitations and contacts and let your decision to not respond back tell her the story.
The nice way to do this is to say gently, "Listen, I'm just so busy right now, it's hard for me to commit to anything with you. I'll give you a call at some point, okay?"
posted by HeyAllie at 1:05 PM on December 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
Re: Birthday: "Yeah I've already got plans. Maybe I'll see you around in the future."
Hopefully blunt enough to get the point across that she's not invited. It'll sting a bit, but it's better than lying and hiding photos and such.
posted by PercussivePaul at 1:07 PM on December 3, 2010 [2 favorites]
Hopefully blunt enough to get the point across that she's not invited. It'll sting a bit, but it's better than lying and hiding photos and such.
posted by PercussivePaul at 1:07 PM on December 3, 2010 [2 favorites]
Seconding what everyone said, pretty much. Just wanted to address this:
Do I have to go onto ask my friends to not put any photos up on FB or Flickr?
No, no, no. Don't let this person make you become a weirdo and possibly alienate your friends. You don't live to keep up appearances for her. If she's rational, she'll realize there's a reason she wasn't invited and roll with it. If she's not ... well, then you would've had trouble eventually anyway.
posted by griphus at 1:20 PM on December 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
Do I have to go onto ask my friends to not put any photos up on FB or Flickr?
No, no, no. Don't let this person make you become a weirdo and possibly alienate your friends. You don't live to keep up appearances for her. If she's rational, she'll realize there's a reason she wasn't invited and roll with it. If she's not ... well, then you would've had trouble eventually anyway.
posted by griphus at 1:20 PM on December 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
I would reply, "Having a dinner with some close friends. Looking forward to seeing you soon." Or something like that. She'll get the hint, and you won't be lying, or being rude.
But if there's even remotely a possibility she will try to invite herself, you probably shouldn't be this specific.
posted by winna at 1:21 PM on December 3, 2010 [3 favorites]
But if there's even remotely a possibility she will try to invite herself, you probably shouldn't be this specific.
posted by winna at 1:21 PM on December 3, 2010 [3 favorites]
This has happened to me before. Someone I hung out with for less than a year in high school kept pestering me to hang out, get coffee, etc. I had zero desire to see this person.
After a couple of messages and polite changings of the subject, I finally realized that you can either 1) ignore the requests and just let it fade out, which isn't a guaranteed outcome, or 2) just be honest and blunt, and it'll stop right then.
Either one is fine, but option 2 means a lot less mental distress in the long run, so for me that was the obvious course of action.
I wrote back saying that I was busy and married and didn't want to hang out with dudes other than my husband, but being online friends was fine. The other person thought it was rude (and who wouldn't, really...being rebuffed isn't fun), but I figure, it's a helluva lot ruder to just string someone along when you never have any intention of seeing them. And as I said, the mental distress over seeing all those dang messages was just not worth it.
For the record, the other person was okay with it a few weeks later. They also recently friended me on Facebook.
posted by lhall at 1:25 PM on December 3, 2010
After a couple of messages and polite changings of the subject, I finally realized that you can either 1) ignore the requests and just let it fade out, which isn't a guaranteed outcome, or 2) just be honest and blunt, and it'll stop right then.
Either one is fine, but option 2 means a lot less mental distress in the long run, so for me that was the obvious course of action.
I wrote back saying that I was busy and married and didn't want to hang out with dudes other than my husband, but being online friends was fine. The other person thought it was rude (and who wouldn't, really...being rebuffed isn't fun), but I figure, it's a helluva lot ruder to just string someone along when you never have any intention of seeing them. And as I said, the mental distress over seeing all those dang messages was just not worth it.
For the record, the other person was okay with it a few weeks later. They also recently friended me on Facebook.
posted by lhall at 1:25 PM on December 3, 2010
Don't treat it as some sort of bridge-burning if you still want to be on friendly terms with her. You're right not to want a break-up conversation.
If she's a recent arrival to town, she might be still getting her bearings socially, and as she gets settled she'll call you less often.
If you'd like to fade out but remain on good terms, consider hanging out with her once or twice more, for something short and non-exciting like lunch. Keep things light and friendly, and "have somewhere to be" after the lunch date runs its course (you don't want to look like you're eager to ditch her, but you don't want her to say "so, what are we doing after this?"). Spending an hour hanging out with an old acquaintance can get across the "we've grown apart" message while still being a pleasant experience.
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:34 PM on December 3, 2010 [9 favorites]
If she's a recent arrival to town, she might be still getting her bearings socially, and as she gets settled she'll call you less often.
If you'd like to fade out but remain on good terms, consider hanging out with her once or twice more, for something short and non-exciting like lunch. Keep things light and friendly, and "have somewhere to be" after the lunch date runs its course (you don't want to look like you're eager to ditch her, but you don't want her to say "so, what are we doing after this?"). Spending an hour hanging out with an old acquaintance can get across the "we've grown apart" message while still being a pleasant experience.
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:34 PM on December 3, 2010 [9 favorites]
I had something like this happen with an old college classmate - I tried to be polite, thinking she'd eventually "get the hint". She didn't - after several months of my politely bowing out, she showed up at my place of work and told the receptionist to tell me there was an emergency that required my attention at the front desk. When I got to the front desk, visibly shaken by the ominous way in which I'd been summoned there, she appeared from behind a partition and shouted, "Surprise!"
I'd advise being direct - the sooner the better. Some people just do not pick up on social cues.
posted by pammeke at 1:34 PM on December 3, 2010 [2 favorites]
I'd advise being direct - the sooner the better. Some people just do not pick up on social cues.
posted by pammeke at 1:34 PM on December 3, 2010 [2 favorites]
Having a dinner with some close friends. Looking forward to seeing you soon.
Sorry to latch onto one comment specifically, but don't say you're looking forward to seeing her, because you aren't, right? Don't give encouragement or false hope. Just say, "Close friends have made plans for me. Thanks for thinking of me though". The end.
posted by iconomy at 1:52 PM on December 3, 2010 [19 favorites]
Sorry to latch onto one comment specifically, but don't say you're looking forward to seeing her, because you aren't, right? Don't give encouragement or false hope. Just say, "Close friends have made plans for me. Thanks for thinking of me though". The end.
posted by iconomy at 1:52 PM on December 3, 2010 [19 favorites]
"I'm sorry, I've already made plans. Thanks for thinking of me."
This is honest and gracious. Don't say you're looking forward to seeing her soon unless you actually do plan to see her soon (don't know if that's the case - if it is, it's fine to say.)
If you really don't mind her, I second the idea of meeting her for lunch or drinks. You can spend a pleasant hour and at the end of it, leave by saying something like "Good catching up! See you at the next reunion!" Most people will catch on.
If she's really dense and you don't even want to run the risk of encouraging her with a quick visit, I'd resort to screening her calls and deleting her e-mails before you drop the "I don't have time/energy/desire to be friends" bomb. But that's just me - you may want to utilize the nuclear option sooner, as others suggested. If you do, be kind and don't make it too personal.
The fact that you're concerned about handling this gracefully means you're almost certainly not a douche, don't worry!
posted by superfluousm at 2:05 PM on December 3, 2010 [2 favorites]
This is honest and gracious. Don't say you're looking forward to seeing her soon unless you actually do plan to see her soon (don't know if that's the case - if it is, it's fine to say.)
If you really don't mind her, I second the idea of meeting her for lunch or drinks. You can spend a pleasant hour and at the end of it, leave by saying something like "Good catching up! See you at the next reunion!" Most people will catch on.
If she's really dense and you don't even want to run the risk of encouraging her with a quick visit, I'd resort to screening her calls and deleting her e-mails before you drop the "I don't have time/energy/desire to be friends" bomb. But that's just me - you may want to utilize the nuclear option sooner, as others suggested. If you do, be kind and don't make it too personal.
The fact that you're concerned about handling this gracefully means you're almost certainly not a douche, don't worry!
posted by superfluousm at 2:05 PM on December 3, 2010 [2 favorites]
What if you just don't reply and don't read messages from her anymore? Then if you run into her again at a later time, apologize and say you've been really busy and flaky. I don't know, I just imagine that if you tell her something like "Sorry, I already have birthday plans," she'd turn around and say that you two can meet up on a night when those birthday plans aren't already occurring.
I did the ignoring thing in the past in a similar situation, and eventually I actually changed my mind and decided that it might be nice to meet up with the person after all. So I got in touch with her, apologized for being a jerk and never getting back to her when she said we should meet up sometime, and suggested we get some sort of meal in the next week. We ended up having a very pleasant dinner together the following week. I am glad I did it.
posted by wondermouse at 4:26 PM on December 3, 2010
I did the ignoring thing in the past in a similar situation, and eventually I actually changed my mind and decided that it might be nice to meet up with the person after all. So I got in touch with her, apologized for being a jerk and never getting back to her when she said we should meet up sometime, and suggested we get some sort of meal in the next week. We ended up having a very pleasant dinner together the following week. I am glad I did it.
posted by wondermouse at 4:26 PM on December 3, 2010
Re: Birthday: "Yeah I've already got plans. Maybe I'll see you around in the future."
Exact right answer. No need to throw in the "closest friends" zinger. You don't need to drop extra hints when the truth is right there.
If you have nothing against this person, it couldn't hurt to maintain a casual friendship. Accept an invitation here and there, if it seems like something you want to do. Some of my best friends have been people I initially thought were pushy. Of course, there are also those times when you give someone an inch and all of a sudden they are way more into it than you are. When those situations happen, I look at it like these people really don't want to be MY friend, they just want to be anyone's friend. And that friendship shouldn't be about neediness and obligation. Too often, anyway.
posted by gjc at 5:08 PM on December 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
Exact right answer. No need to throw in the "closest friends" zinger. You don't need to drop extra hints when the truth is right there.
If you have nothing against this person, it couldn't hurt to maintain a casual friendship. Accept an invitation here and there, if it seems like something you want to do. Some of my best friends have been people I initially thought were pushy. Of course, there are also those times when you give someone an inch and all of a sudden they are way more into it than you are. When those situations happen, I look at it like these people really don't want to be MY friend, they just want to be anyone's friend. And that friendship shouldn't be about neediness and obligation. Too often, anyway.
posted by gjc at 5:08 PM on December 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
I've been the friend being dumped, and I wish the person breaking off our friendship had been a little more up front about it. He just stopped replying to e-mails or letters, and since we had no friends in common I had no idea what was going on; was he done being friends, or was he dead? (He had gone to work in a war zone, so this wasn't a weird thought on my part.)
Inturnaround's suggestion, although a bit harsh, is best, as it gets the message across clearly but leaves the recipient with dignity.
posted by The corpse in the library at 5:55 PM on December 3, 2010
Inturnaround's suggestion, although a bit harsh, is best, as it gets the message across clearly but leaves the recipient with dignity.
posted by The corpse in the library at 5:55 PM on December 3, 2010
step 1 - unfriend them on FB?
posted by randomkeystrike at 6:50 PM on December 3, 2010
posted by randomkeystrike at 6:50 PM on December 3, 2010
Response by poster: follow up: I used the "I'm having dinner w/ some close friends" followed by the "want to have lunch this week?"
No reply... so I guess she got the message :-/
Thanks for your advice!
posted by cgs at 7:42 AM on December 6, 2010
No reply... so I guess she got the message :-/
Thanks for your advice!
posted by cgs at 7:42 AM on December 6, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
You don't need to explain beyond that. If she presses, just repeat it again.
You don't have to hide your party on Facebook.
posted by inturnaround at 1:02 PM on December 3, 2010 [6 favorites]