How to stop regretting saying "I love you"?
November 28, 2010 5:16 PM Subscribe
I said "I love you". He didn't say it back. Now I find myself feeling vulnerable. Help me not let this ruin a really great relationship.
I know there have been a few threads regarding whether or not to say "I love you" and more, but just hear me out.
I've been dating my SO (both mid-20s) for about 6 months, and told him a few weeks ago that I love him. I meant it and had been thinking about it for awhile, but made the mistake of saying it when intoxicated. He did not reciprocate. Since then we've talked about it and I've said it again while sober (knowing full well that he wasn't ready to say it back), and have stopped myself from saying it a number of times.
My internal struggle has started getting the better of me. I know that I mean it - I do love him - but I have some regrets about saying it first (and saying it more than once). In part because now that I've put it out there, I'm amazed at just how often I find myself wanting to say it, but I'm not really willing to say it over and over, and be reminded by his silence that he doesn't feel the same way. I'm also struggling with feeling like this throws off the balance of an otherwise great relationship - I'm head over heels in love with him and he doesn't seem to be experiencing the same things, which makes me feel bad and inevitably causes stupid problems and arguments that aren't important.
Help me take a deep breath and figure out how to handle these emotions and the fact that he isn't ready to say "I love you" back.
I know there have been a few threads regarding whether or not to say "I love you" and more, but just hear me out.
I've been dating my SO (both mid-20s) for about 6 months, and told him a few weeks ago that I love him. I meant it and had been thinking about it for awhile, but made the mistake of saying it when intoxicated. He did not reciprocate. Since then we've talked about it and I've said it again while sober (knowing full well that he wasn't ready to say it back), and have stopped myself from saying it a number of times.
My internal struggle has started getting the better of me. I know that I mean it - I do love him - but I have some regrets about saying it first (and saying it more than once). In part because now that I've put it out there, I'm amazed at just how often I find myself wanting to say it, but I'm not really willing to say it over and over, and be reminded by his silence that he doesn't feel the same way. I'm also struggling with feeling like this throws off the balance of an otherwise great relationship - I'm head over heels in love with him and he doesn't seem to be experiencing the same things, which makes me feel bad and inevitably causes stupid problems and arguments that aren't important.
Help me take a deep breath and figure out how to handle these emotions and the fact that he isn't ready to say "I love you" back.
Just wait as long as you can wait. Honestly people discover the truth about their feelings at different times. I think I said it to my partner at least a month before he said it back -- maybe longer.
If he acts lovingly toward you, accept that for as long as you can while he sorts out his feelings. Telling someone you love them can be a scary thing (which you know too well!) so give him all the slack you can and just roll on as if nothing had changed. If a few months go by and he seems to be avoiding dealing with it, then I'd say you have something to discuss (delicately) with him.
posted by hermitosis at 5:37 PM on November 28, 2010 [9 favorites]
If he acts lovingly toward you, accept that for as long as you can while he sorts out his feelings. Telling someone you love them can be a scary thing (which you know too well!) so give him all the slack you can and just roll on as if nothing had changed. If a few months go by and he seems to be avoiding dealing with it, then I'd say you have something to discuss (delicately) with him.
posted by hermitosis at 5:37 PM on November 28, 2010 [9 favorites]
FWIW my sister is going through this with her boyfriend too. She said it, he didn't. When she found out that this is fairly common she calmed down a bit, and in the mean time he has done plenty to show her where his heart is at, like taking her home for Thanksgiving, etc.
posted by hermitosis at 5:38 PM on November 28, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by hermitosis at 5:38 PM on November 28, 2010 [2 favorites]
I'm head over heels in love with him and he doesn't seem to be experiencing the same things...
Because he doesn't act in that manner or because he hasn't vocally told you that he loves you? These are two very, very different things, both of which tie into the fact that "I love you" can mean drastically different things to people. Forget his words -- or lack thereof, in this case -- for a second and reflect on his actions. Do they match the actions of someone you feel comfortable loving?
posted by griphus at 5:39 PM on November 28, 2010 [3 favorites]
Because he doesn't act in that manner or because he hasn't vocally told you that he loves you? These are two very, very different things, both of which tie into the fact that "I love you" can mean drastically different things to people. Forget his words -- or lack thereof, in this case -- for a second and reflect on his actions. Do they match the actions of someone you feel comfortable loving?
posted by griphus at 5:39 PM on November 28, 2010 [3 favorites]
"... I'm head over heels in love with him and he doesn't seem to be experiencing the same things"
Do you know this is true beyond the evidence that he won't say he loves you? Some people just have different thresholds or hang-ups about expressing that feeling. He might like you a lot and just not want to say that phrase yet.
posted by parkerjackson at 5:39 PM on November 28, 2010
Do you know this is true beyond the evidence that he won't say he loves you? Some people just have different thresholds or hang-ups about expressing that feeling. He might like you a lot and just not want to say that phrase yet.
posted by parkerjackson at 5:39 PM on November 28, 2010
Beans, meet plate. Nom nom nom nom nom …
It's a male thing. Trite phrase that it is, it's also true. As a man, I can tell you that in general we're largely not that big into verbalising our emotions - years of conditioning reinforcing the idea that quiet stoicism = manliness is largely responsible for that. Add to that the raging insecurities that plague everybody, and you'll often find that we men prefer to keep our mouths shut about important things* rather than revealing our feelings when we're not 100% sure. And remember, 99.999% sure is not 100% sure…
It takes time and experience for a young man to understand that reciprocating "I love you" is a necessary thing in a relationship. And, to be honest with you, the though process goes something like this: "Why should I tell her that? Isn't it obvious from everything we do together that I love her? Is she so desperately needy that she seriously has to have me tell her all the time? Do I want to be with someone so needy that irrelevant platitudes will make her happy? Let's not say it, and see what happens - that seems like the safest way…"
In other words, I suspect that 90+% of the time, when a man says "I love you" it's a learned response, not an impulsive statement of fact.
Hell, I'm nearly twice his age and I'm not sure I've totally learned how important it is to say it. My girlfriend would tell you I haven't learned it at all… ;-)
(* AskMe is not an important thing, which explains both Male Answer Syndrome and why I'm answering this question ;-)
posted by Pinback at 5:43 PM on November 28, 2010 [2 favorites]
It's a male thing. Trite phrase that it is, it's also true. As a man, I can tell you that in general we're largely not that big into verbalising our emotions - years of conditioning reinforcing the idea that quiet stoicism = manliness is largely responsible for that. Add to that the raging insecurities that plague everybody, and you'll often find that we men prefer to keep our mouths shut about important things* rather than revealing our feelings when we're not 100% sure. And remember, 99.999% sure is not 100% sure…
It takes time and experience for a young man to understand that reciprocating "I love you" is a necessary thing in a relationship. And, to be honest with you, the though process goes something like this: "Why should I tell her that? Isn't it obvious from everything we do together that I love her? Is she so desperately needy that she seriously has to have me tell her all the time? Do I want to be with someone so needy that irrelevant platitudes will make her happy? Let's not say it, and see what happens - that seems like the safest way…"
In other words, I suspect that 90+% of the time, when a man says "I love you" it's a learned response, not an impulsive statement of fact.
Hell, I'm nearly twice his age and I'm not sure I've totally learned how important it is to say it. My girlfriend would tell you I haven't learned it at all… ;-)
(* AskMe is not an important thing, which explains both Male Answer Syndrome and why I'm answering this question ;-)
posted by Pinback at 5:43 PM on November 28, 2010 [2 favorites]
I think this is a situation where "Hope for the best, prepare for the worst" should come in to play. I have a feeling you're going to receive a wide variety of answers. My advice to you is to assess what your timeline is for how long you're willing to see if reciprocity develops.
In my last relationship, I told my ex I loved him around the 6 month mark. He said he didn't feel ready to say it back. I didn't say it again, although I felt that there was a solid foundation and he probably just needed some time. A couple of months later (he still hadn't said it), I got to the point where I needed to know whether the relationship was going to move towards something potentially more serious (no solid plans, just whether the potential for greater commitment was even possible down the road). Sadly, it wasn't for him, and we broke up. Based on things that came up during our breakup conversation, I do believe he greatly cared for me, but I'm not sure he ever loved me the way I loved him.
While I definitely believe that one should never say I love you with the expectation of immediate reciprocity, it would be ludicrous to think that there is not an eventual need for reciprocity. Only you know how long you can handle not hearing the sentiment returned. It's also certainly true that some people express love through actions or other non-verbal means, but if you need to hear it, don't try to ignore or deny your need to hear love returned in this avenue. Doing so will only make things worse.
So take a deep breath, and really focus on your needs. Figure out how long you're willing to let it ride. If you need to hear it back soon, that doesn't make you a bad person - it may just mean that y'all aren't compatible, which is sad, but better to learn before you get too much more emotionally invested.
posted by mostly vowels at 5:45 PM on November 28, 2010 [9 favorites]
In my last relationship, I told my ex I loved him around the 6 month mark. He said he didn't feel ready to say it back. I didn't say it again, although I felt that there was a solid foundation and he probably just needed some time. A couple of months later (he still hadn't said it), I got to the point where I needed to know whether the relationship was going to move towards something potentially more serious (no solid plans, just whether the potential for greater commitment was even possible down the road). Sadly, it wasn't for him, and we broke up. Based on things that came up during our breakup conversation, I do believe he greatly cared for me, but I'm not sure he ever loved me the way I loved him.
While I definitely believe that one should never say I love you with the expectation of immediate reciprocity, it would be ludicrous to think that there is not an eventual need for reciprocity. Only you know how long you can handle not hearing the sentiment returned. It's also certainly true that some people express love through actions or other non-verbal means, but if you need to hear it, don't try to ignore or deny your need to hear love returned in this avenue. Doing so will only make things worse.
So take a deep breath, and really focus on your needs. Figure out how long you're willing to let it ride. If you need to hear it back soon, that doesn't make you a bad person - it may just mean that y'all aren't compatible, which is sad, but better to learn before you get too much more emotionally invested.
posted by mostly vowels at 5:45 PM on November 28, 2010 [9 favorites]
Is his reluctance to say Those Three Words the only evidence you have that "he doesn't seem to be experiencing the same things?" Were you fine before you said it (and he didn't)? If he said he loved you, would you feel reassured that the relationship is stable and great?
People attach a lot of significance to "I love you" - they equate it to "I'm committed to you" or "I am serious about this relationship." Maybe he does love you, but he senses how much weight you put on those words, and he's not ready to deal with the subtext.
It's okay to ask him if he loves you, as long as you don't pressure him. Maybe open up a conversation about what those words mean to you and him.
posted by Metroid Baby at 5:46 PM on November 28, 2010
People attach a lot of significance to "I love you" - they equate it to "I'm committed to you" or "I am serious about this relationship." Maybe he does love you, but he senses how much weight you put on those words, and he's not ready to deal with the subtext.
It's okay to ask him if he loves you, as long as you don't pressure him. Maybe open up a conversation about what those words mean to you and him.
posted by Metroid Baby at 5:46 PM on November 28, 2010
It's fine to love someone and not have it reciprocated.
posted by fire&wings at 5:48 PM on November 28, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by fire&wings at 5:48 PM on November 28, 2010 [3 favorites]
Seconding Pinback. Not to pigeonhole and stereotype, but generally, men a) don't always see the importance of saying "I love you", and b) for men it's a big, big step to say "I love you". It feels good, but at the same time it's emotionally draining.
Also, the meaning and nuance of "I love you" is different for different people, even people from the same culture, background, interests, etc. The sin my family commits (if it is that) is that they always say "I love you" at the end of every phone call and email. To me, it almost cheapens the sentiment, as if there's no actual love behind it, it's just automatic. My wife, on the other hand, grew up in a house in which no one said "I love you", even though her family is loving enough. They just didn't use the words. So between us, hearing and saying "I love you" is quite different. (Bottom line, she likes to hear and say it a lot; I could live without it).
posted by zardoz at 5:52 PM on November 28, 2010
Also, the meaning and nuance of "I love you" is different for different people, even people from the same culture, background, interests, etc. The sin my family commits (if it is that) is that they always say "I love you" at the end of every phone call and email. To me, it almost cheapens the sentiment, as if there's no actual love behind it, it's just automatic. My wife, on the other hand, grew up in a house in which no one said "I love you", even though her family is loving enough. They just didn't use the words. So between us, hearing and saying "I love you" is quite different. (Bottom line, she likes to hear and say it a lot; I could live without it).
posted by zardoz at 5:52 PM on November 28, 2010
Here's how I approached it when I found myself in a similar situation with my boyfriend.
posted by scody at 5:55 PM on November 28, 2010
posted by scody at 5:55 PM on November 28, 2010
Being in love is a powerful feeling. Embrace it and live with it, don't surpress or hide it, it's who you are right now. He may or may not return the feeling, but in some ways it doesn't matter. Enjoy the feeling and share it with the world! It's not a bad thing, just run with it!
posted by nomadicink at 6:03 PM on November 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by nomadicink at 6:03 PM on November 28, 2010 [1 favorite]
When I first said "I love you" to my boyfriend, I said it at the end of phone conversations, right before I hung up—I knew he wasn't yet at his own "I love you" threshold, and so I said it at a time when he wouldn't have to say it back, and could think about what I had said on his own. Soon, he brought it up in a conversation, and I told him my position: I feel like saying I love you now. I feel very strongly about telling the people I love that I love them early and often (it's an effect of having lost several important family members). I know that different people have different "I love you" thresholds, and I don't expect you to say it until you reach yours. What matters to me is not that you say "I love you," but that your actions are loving.
He looked relieved, and we continued on, me saying "I love you" with words, him signifying it with actions.
Three months later, as we rode the Cyclone on Coney Island, without thinking about it, he yelled out "I love you!" as we giddily crashed through the roller coaster's turns. I made no reaction—I hadn't heard it. Realizing I'd missed it, he could have said nothing, but he decided that his instincts were right, and he told me again when we got off the ride. It was much, much sweeter than if he'd said it begrudgingly three months before.
So for me, that's the test of "I love you"—not whether your SO will say it, but if he'll show it until he's ready to say the words. If your boyfriend is showing you love with his actions, and you make it clear to him that you're going to say "I love you" but he doesn't have to until he's ready, then you're peachy. It's if he's not manifesting love in other ways that you need to worry.
posted by ocherdraco at 6:37 PM on November 28, 2010 [5 favorites]
He looked relieved, and we continued on, me saying "I love you" with words, him signifying it with actions.
Three months later, as we rode the Cyclone on Coney Island, without thinking about it, he yelled out "I love you!" as we giddily crashed through the roller coaster's turns. I made no reaction—I hadn't heard it. Realizing I'd missed it, he could have said nothing, but he decided that his instincts were right, and he told me again when we got off the ride. It was much, much sweeter than if he'd said it begrudgingly three months before.
So for me, that's the test of "I love you"—not whether your SO will say it, but if he'll show it until he's ready to say the words. If your boyfriend is showing you love with his actions, and you make it clear to him that you're going to say "I love you" but he doesn't have to until he's ready, then you're peachy. It's if he's not manifesting love in other ways that you need to worry.
posted by ocherdraco at 6:37 PM on November 28, 2010 [5 favorites]
Mod note: few comments removed - folks it would be helpful if you could include more information than just "that's not how I see it" Use your words and all that. Thanks.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 6:43 PM on November 28, 2010
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 6:43 PM on November 28, 2010
The issue isn't what he is or isn't saying. Talk is cheap. Lots of people say whatever they need to say to get what they want (or to keep getting what they want).
The issue is what he is feeling.
Sure, it'd be great if he said "I love you", but how awful would you feel if you found out he said it even though he didn't mean it only because he wanted to make you happy?
Does he love you, the person? Does he love YOU, or does he love Being With You? There's quite a difference, and there's only one way to find out. You have to talk about it. If you're afraid to talk about it because you're afraid of what the answer will be, it might mean you already know what the answer will be.
Best of luck.
posted by 2oh1 at 6:43 PM on November 28, 2010
The issue is what he is feeling.
Sure, it'd be great if he said "I love you", but how awful would you feel if you found out he said it even though he didn't mean it only because he wanted to make you happy?
Does he love you, the person? Does he love YOU, or does he love Being With You? There's quite a difference, and there's only one way to find out. You have to talk about it. If you're afraid to talk about it because you're afraid of what the answer will be, it might mean you already know what the answer will be.
Best of luck.
posted by 2oh1 at 6:43 PM on November 28, 2010
Response by poster: Thank you all for your responses. Sometimes it just helps to know that I'm not (even close to) the only one to deal with this problem. Hopefully giving it some time will help both of us - and hopefully I can keep my neuroticism to a minimum in the meantime.
posted by moshimosh at 7:24 PM on November 28, 2010
posted by moshimosh at 7:24 PM on November 28, 2010
So, you told him you love him and he said he isn't ready to say it back? That doesn't mean he won't get there; it means he's not there yet. On the bright side, he's not willing to lie about it to you.
You have to eventually decide when enough is enough, and when, if he doesn't love you too, you need to bail because you deserve that. But six months isn't that much time, so it could be worth sticking it out for a while and just enjoying your relationship and hoping he gets there.
posted by J. Wilson at 7:25 PM on November 28, 2010
You have to eventually decide when enough is enough, and when, if he doesn't love you too, you need to bail because you deserve that. But six months isn't that much time, so it could be worth sticking it out for a while and just enjoying your relationship and hoping he gets there.
posted by J. Wilson at 7:25 PM on November 28, 2010
It's a male thing.
My boyfriend said I love you first, and in a language he doesn't even speak but he knew I had interest in. It's not a "male thing", it's a person thing.
Some people are more expressive than others, and might just need more time to sort feelings out and verbalize them. Some people rarely verbalize them, and the advice to wait and read the other signs in actions is spot-on. But don't drive yourself crazy with insecurity either. Try and relax a little bit and look at the dynamics of the relationship a bit more closely.
There's always talking about the situation again, which may make him feel pressured. Give things enough time as you're prepared to. He may or may not feel the same way or be as invested in this still relatively new relationship.
posted by cmgonzalez at 7:34 PM on November 28, 2010 [5 favorites]
My boyfriend said I love you first, and in a language he doesn't even speak but he knew I had interest in. It's not a "male thing", it's a person thing.
Some people are more expressive than others, and might just need more time to sort feelings out and verbalize them. Some people rarely verbalize them, and the advice to wait and read the other signs in actions is spot-on. But don't drive yourself crazy with insecurity either. Try and relax a little bit and look at the dynamics of the relationship a bit more closely.
There's always talking about the situation again, which may make him feel pressured. Give things enough time as you're prepared to. He may or may not feel the same way or be as invested in this still relatively new relationship.
posted by cmgonzalez at 7:34 PM on November 28, 2010 [5 favorites]
So he doesn't say it back - what does he say? Or, if he doesn't say anything, what does he do? You say you've talked about it since - what did he say then? These things are really important to figuring out what's going on here.
posted by Ragged Richard at 8:50 PM on November 28, 2010
posted by Ragged Richard at 8:50 PM on November 28, 2010
Pivoting on the "it's a male thing" idea - people experience different feelings at different times in a relationship. I remember when my husband and I finally first started seeing each other, he was all "I want to shout it from the rooftops!" so then I felt a little badly when he was a little more reserved months down the road. I'd be more concerned if he said it before you did - my ex said it before I did and it's clear how that worked out. However, I remember saying it once to a guy - he clearly didn't feel that way but he seemed to view it as a compliment and just said back something like, aww, you're sweet, and that was enough for me.
I definitely understand if it's something you would like to say again to this person but I might worry that saying it repeatedly might pressure him into saying it. Instead, I would consider coming up with an alternate phrase or something you can do for now when you want to say I love you, like squeeze his hand. I know if I said I love you to my husband as often as I want to, it'd be hard to find time to say other things, so I occasionally squeeze his hand or look at him for too long and smile rather than always telling him that. I think that's what the others here are getting at - there are other ways to say I love you than verbally.
posted by kat518 at 9:25 PM on November 28, 2010
I definitely understand if it's something you would like to say again to this person but I might worry that saying it repeatedly might pressure him into saying it. Instead, I would consider coming up with an alternate phrase or something you can do for now when you want to say I love you, like squeeze his hand. I know if I said I love you to my husband as often as I want to, it'd be hard to find time to say other things, so I occasionally squeeze his hand or look at him for too long and smile rather than always telling him that. I think that's what the others here are getting at - there are other ways to say I love you than verbally.
posted by kat518 at 9:25 PM on November 28, 2010
I know a couple who are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary next year. When it comes to "I love yous", she is the "sayer" and he is the "doer". To the point where I know for a fact that he's never, ever said those three words to her. She says them all the time.
Even though she is dying to hear those words, she never will BUT she (and everyone else who knows them) doesn't doubt for a second that he adores her. And he shows that through his actions -- by being there, by providing for her, by doing for her, by being a good dad and a good husband and by being one half of a really good, solid relationship (not perfect, but good).
To cut a long story short: look at the relationship itself, and the people in it -- some people just aren't good at saying those words.
posted by prettypretty at 9:39 PM on November 28, 2010 [2 favorites]
Even though she is dying to hear those words, she never will BUT she (and everyone else who knows them) doesn't doubt for a second that he adores her. And he shows that through his actions -- by being there, by providing for her, by doing for her, by being a good dad and a good husband and by being one half of a really good, solid relationship (not perfect, but good).
To cut a long story short: look at the relationship itself, and the people in it -- some people just aren't good at saying those words.
posted by prettypretty at 9:39 PM on November 28, 2010 [2 favorites]
I truly hope that this isn't what happens to you, but I said it to my now-ex, 9 months in. He didn't reciprocate, we talked about it at the time, I thought everything was fine and didn't bring it up again. A month later, he broke up with me, having had a freak-out of epic proportions about commitment. He did tell me that my "I love you" was part of it.
Though I'm certain that's not what you wanted to hear, that's, unfortunately, what I have to offer. Obviously not all relationships are the same, though.
My closing thought is that you shouldn't freak out about it; what's going to happen will happen. And IF he pulls what my ex did, at least know that you figured it out sooner rather than later. And if he does reciprocate, awesome. Either way, good on you for being courageous enough to say it first. It takes (metaphorical) balls.
posted by inmediasres at 10:22 PM on November 28, 2010
Though I'm certain that's not what you wanted to hear, that's, unfortunately, what I have to offer. Obviously not all relationships are the same, though.
My closing thought is that you shouldn't freak out about it; what's going to happen will happen. And IF he pulls what my ex did, at least know that you figured it out sooner rather than later. And if he does reciprocate, awesome. Either way, good on you for being courageous enough to say it first. It takes (metaphorical) balls.
posted by inmediasres at 10:22 PM on November 28, 2010
I am you. I have always, always come to love my SO before they ever get to the same place I am. It is impossibly distressing to have said it first and not hear it back.
What distresses me more, though, is that you haven't mentioned whether or not your SO responds AT ALL when you did say "I Love You" aloud. Did he say, "Oh, thank you" or "Oh, that's cool", or has he been seriously just silent?
If it's the latter, that's not okay. I don't care who you are or what stage of your life that you're in, when someone says something like that to you, it is your responsibility and your duty to at least give your SO some kind of idea where you stand. Right now I get the impression that there is a serious imbalance of power in your relationship, and as someone who has experienced that imbalance twice in the past three years, to a degree that was truly damaging, I really hope you'll consider calling him out on this issue to at least get all your cards on the table.
This is not to say that it's not possible for your SO to amble his way on to being able to say it himself. However, if the situation is as you've described it, if he actually DOES NOT RESPOND when you've said it, perhaps saying the following to him would help:
"Darling, I've been doing some thinking, and I've got to be honest with you, because what I've been thinking about matters a lot to me. I have been feeling pretty out of it and anxious lately because I feel that I may have put an unnecessary roadblock into our relationship by being the first to say, "I Love You". I stand by what I said, but I feel a little unsettled because the last times I've said it, I've noticed you don't say anything at all back. You are under no pressure to return the sentiment to me until you are absolutely ready to, but I am struggling with the not-saying-anything-at-all part of this situation, and am hoping you can help me clarify what exactly went through your head when I said it those first few times."
And then see what he says. Hopefully he'll say something along the lines of "Don't worry, I just like to take things slow" or "I'm not good about these sort of things. I will get there". But if it's anything like, "It's not important to me" or "I don't really feel the same way", this may be your instincts kicking in, and you deserve to be on the same page as your SO.
I wish I had been brave enough to ask my exes why they were silent. If I had, I would have gone about my relationships very differently.
Good luck.
posted by patronuscharms at 10:45 PM on November 28, 2010 [2 favorites]
What distresses me more, though, is that you haven't mentioned whether or not your SO responds AT ALL when you did say "I Love You" aloud. Did he say, "Oh, thank you" or "Oh, that's cool", or has he been seriously just silent?
If it's the latter, that's not okay. I don't care who you are or what stage of your life that you're in, when someone says something like that to you, it is your responsibility and your duty to at least give your SO some kind of idea where you stand. Right now I get the impression that there is a serious imbalance of power in your relationship, and as someone who has experienced that imbalance twice in the past three years, to a degree that was truly damaging, I really hope you'll consider calling him out on this issue to at least get all your cards on the table.
This is not to say that it's not possible for your SO to amble his way on to being able to say it himself. However, if the situation is as you've described it, if he actually DOES NOT RESPOND when you've said it, perhaps saying the following to him would help:
"Darling, I've been doing some thinking, and I've got to be honest with you, because what I've been thinking about matters a lot to me. I have been feeling pretty out of it and anxious lately because I feel that I may have put an unnecessary roadblock into our relationship by being the first to say, "I Love You". I stand by what I said, but I feel a little unsettled because the last times I've said it, I've noticed you don't say anything at all back. You are under no pressure to return the sentiment to me until you are absolutely ready to, but I am struggling with the not-saying-anything-at-all part of this situation, and am hoping you can help me clarify what exactly went through your head when I said it those first few times."
And then see what he says. Hopefully he'll say something along the lines of "Don't worry, I just like to take things slow" or "I'm not good about these sort of things. I will get there". But if it's anything like, "It's not important to me" or "I don't really feel the same way", this may be your instincts kicking in, and you deserve to be on the same page as your SO.
I wish I had been brave enough to ask my exes why they were silent. If I had, I would have gone about my relationships very differently.
Good luck.
posted by patronuscharms at 10:45 PM on November 28, 2010 [2 favorites]
I think if I had read this Dear Sugar advice column when I was in my first serious relationship I wouldn't have dragged my feet so much on saying, "I love you."
posted by funkiwan at 11:55 PM on November 28, 2010 [9 favorites]
posted by funkiwan at 11:55 PM on November 28, 2010 [9 favorites]
Don't regret saying it. Never ever regret loving someone. You were being sincere and that's a beautiful thing that is underrated. I don't think six months is too early--there's never a right or wrong time for this sort of thing. I would, however, have a talk with him about it. Men do tend to be slower to realize or be able to express this sort of thing.
I've been in three long-term relationships (none have survived the test of time) and I've been the first to say it in all three. The first one was in high school and I said it before I knew what the meaning really was. The second one was with my college boyfriend and it was early on in the relationship but we were friends beforehand and the feeling was mutual.
My last relationship? I said it first, and my ex didn't reply. He ended up saying it a week later but what we had wasn't love. It was an emotional roller coaster, that's what it was.
Those were just my experiences. Love is a beautiful thing and you shouldn't pressure him (which I know you don't want to do), but you also deserve to know where things stand. Good luck!
posted by skybluesky at 2:04 AM on November 29, 2010 [3 favorites]
I've been in three long-term relationships (none have survived the test of time) and I've been the first to say it in all three. The first one was in high school and I said it before I knew what the meaning really was. The second one was with my college boyfriend and it was early on in the relationship but we were friends beforehand and the feeling was mutual.
My last relationship? I said it first, and my ex didn't reply. He ended up saying it a week later but what we had wasn't love. It was an emotional roller coaster, that's what it was.
Those were just my experiences. Love is a beautiful thing and you shouldn't pressure him (which I know you don't want to do), but you also deserve to know where things stand. Good luck!
posted by skybluesky at 2:04 AM on November 29, 2010 [3 favorites]
My boyfriend said it to me first (at about 5 months), and I did not say it back. I wasn't sure if I really loved him (I'd never been in love before) and I respected him too much to lie.
He waited another month without saying it, and then one day he said, "Remember a few weeks ago when I said I loved you and you said "thank you"?" (ugh, yes I did remember, *CRINGE*)
He continued, "Well, I didn't say it for awhile after that because I didn't know what you would say. But I've decided that I'm just going to say it, and if you don't feel like you can say it yet then that's okay. But that's how I feel and from now on I'm just going to say it."
We have been together for almost 4 years, and that conversation is one of my fondest memories of our early relationship. Love can take time to grow, and even longer to recognize. Vulnerability is part of any good relationship -- and how the other person responds to your vulnerability is extremely instructive.
posted by Bebo at 3:50 AM on November 29, 2010 [5 favorites]
He waited another month without saying it, and then one day he said, "Remember a few weeks ago when I said I loved you and you said "thank you"?" (ugh, yes I did remember, *CRINGE*)
He continued, "Well, I didn't say it for awhile after that because I didn't know what you would say. But I've decided that I'm just going to say it, and if you don't feel like you can say it yet then that's okay. But that's how I feel and from now on I'm just going to say it."
We have been together for almost 4 years, and that conversation is one of my fondest memories of our early relationship. Love can take time to grow, and even longer to recognize. Vulnerability is part of any good relationship -- and how the other person responds to your vulnerability is extremely instructive.
posted by Bebo at 3:50 AM on November 29, 2010 [5 favorites]
If it bugs you in a "maybe he DOESNT love me" way, maybe you could have a conversation with him about it. tell him how you feel, make it clear that you're not pressuring him to say it back.
Maybe he's been burned in the past by saying it 'too soon'.
I think if you go into a conversation looking to explore whether he hasn't said it because he doesn't feel it or because he has trouble expressing it, you may come to a resolution that is more settling than having to guess whether he actually loves you or not.
That said, I told my current gf I loved her after three weeks, and it freaked her out, but she ended up saying it back a few weeks later and all has been golden since then.
posted by softlord at 7:48 AM on November 29, 2010
Maybe he's been burned in the past by saying it 'too soon'.
I think if you go into a conversation looking to explore whether he hasn't said it because he doesn't feel it or because he has trouble expressing it, you may come to a resolution that is more settling than having to guess whether he actually loves you or not.
That said, I told my current gf I loved her after three weeks, and it freaked her out, but she ended up saying it back a few weeks later and all has been golden since then.
posted by softlord at 7:48 AM on November 29, 2010
I don't think you should regret saying it - you feel it and you said it, and I think that's better than if you had come here and said hey, I want to say it but... That said, most people have probably been in your shoes.
Different people come to the point where they want to say it at different times - and the act of verbalizing it means different things to different people.
If you have *other* reasons to question your relationship, then I would examine those. Whether or not he is ready to say the words shouldn't be your relationship litmus test and should not torpedo an otherwise great relationship.
Saying the words can be done by literally almost anyone - one of my work associates sometimes gushes "I love you!!!", people who want things sometimes say "I love you" because it serves their purposes, etc etc. We place a lot of weight on the words -- but honestly, they are words, and words can lie and words mean different things to different people. If you are happy with actions and with the whole of your relationship, then that's what is to me more important.
I can respect you guys talking about it and him actually saying that he's not ready to be there yet - to me, that's a hell of a lot better than him just saying the words but not being ready. Where you actually are is to me indicative of a better relationship place.
posted by mrs. taters at 8:39 AM on November 29, 2010
Different people come to the point where they want to say it at different times - and the act of verbalizing it means different things to different people.
If you have *other* reasons to question your relationship, then I would examine those. Whether or not he is ready to say the words shouldn't be your relationship litmus test and should not torpedo an otherwise great relationship.
Saying the words can be done by literally almost anyone - one of my work associates sometimes gushes "I love you!!!", people who want things sometimes say "I love you" because it serves their purposes, etc etc. We place a lot of weight on the words -- but honestly, they are words, and words can lie and words mean different things to different people. If you are happy with actions and with the whole of your relationship, then that's what is to me more important.
I can respect you guys talking about it and him actually saying that he's not ready to be there yet - to me, that's a hell of a lot better than him just saying the words but not being ready. Where you actually are is to me indicative of a better relationship place.
posted by mrs. taters at 8:39 AM on November 29, 2010
When I love someone, I'm quick to say "I love you". This is something that I do with both romantic and platonic love; I have friends that I like a lot, and I have friends that I love, and the friends that I love know that I love them. I like to tell them because it's the sort of thing that they'd probably want to know, and because it's the sort of feeling that I don't enjoy keeping a secret.
Years and years of this sort of behavior have taught me a couple of things:
When I tell someone I love them, it needs to be because it makes me happy to tell them, not as a roundabout way of trying to get them to say that they love me. That way breeds madness. As long as my partner is treating me in the way that I want to be treated and are meeting my needs, he or she is not obligated to tell me that they love me. Now, if your needs include being told that your partner loves you at this time, you can reasonably ask that your partner either meet that need or terminate the relationship. You said that you've "talked about it", but have you actually told your partner that hearing those words is something that you need? If not, now would be the time to mention it to him.
Also, "I love you" can mean drastically different things to people. The first time I told me current girlfriend "I love you", we were both (I think) seeing other people, and she took it as meaning "I would like for this relationship to transition immediately into sexual monogamy", which was decidedly not the case. A later AskMe question that related to this matter got responses that seemed split between people who would have had the same expectations that she did and people who saw things more as I do. So when you say "I love you", have you made explicitly clear what it is that those words mean? Is it equally clear to him what it would mean to you if he said them back? Any ambiguity on these points would give him a good reason to pause before reciprocating.
In any case, I hope this all works out for the both of you to your mutual satisfaction.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 10:39 AM on November 29, 2010
Years and years of this sort of behavior have taught me a couple of things:
When I tell someone I love them, it needs to be because it makes me happy to tell them, not as a roundabout way of trying to get them to say that they love me. That way breeds madness. As long as my partner is treating me in the way that I want to be treated and are meeting my needs, he or she is not obligated to tell me that they love me. Now, if your needs include being told that your partner loves you at this time, you can reasonably ask that your partner either meet that need or terminate the relationship. You said that you've "talked about it", but have you actually told your partner that hearing those words is something that you need? If not, now would be the time to mention it to him.
Also, "I love you" can mean drastically different things to people. The first time I told me current girlfriend "I love you", we were both (I think) seeing other people, and she took it as meaning "I would like for this relationship to transition immediately into sexual monogamy", which was decidedly not the case. A later AskMe question that related to this matter got responses that seemed split between people who would have had the same expectations that she did and people who saw things more as I do. So when you say "I love you", have you made explicitly clear what it is that those words mean? Is it equally clear to him what it would mean to you if he said them back? Any ambiguity on these points would give him a good reason to pause before reciprocating.
In any case, I hope this all works out for the both of you to your mutual satisfaction.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 10:39 AM on November 29, 2010
I think it was Kurt Vonnegut who said that saying "I love you" is like holding a gun to someone's head.
And it is, if you say it expecting or hoping for reciprocation. This is why you must never say it expecting or hoping for reciprocation. Say it only when it's true, and the response, or lack of response, doesn't matter to you. If you can't do that, don't say it.
posted by Decani at 10:57 AM on November 29, 2010 [2 favorites]
And it is, if you say it expecting or hoping for reciprocation. This is why you must never say it expecting or hoping for reciprocation. Say it only when it's true, and the response, or lack of response, doesn't matter to you. If you can't do that, don't say it.
posted by Decani at 10:57 AM on November 29, 2010 [2 favorites]
moshimosh, you sound like my ex.
She, too, said it first while she was drunk, and I responded with silence because...well...she was drunk, and so was I. She then said it on multiple occasions while she was sober, with full knowledge that I would not say it back. Then a bombshell dropped, which, again while she was drunk, confessed that she didn't feel loved because I didn't say it back.
Anyway, it may have something to do with the way he interprets the word "love." I find it particularly hard to say it to whatever girl I'm dating, and I have yet to say it - mostly because I take the term so seriously. It probably has something to do with the fact that I know a good number of guys who lie and say "love you too" just to continue sleeping with the girl they're with.
I'm head over heels in love with him and he doesn't seem to be experiencing the same things...
Again, sounds exactly like my ex. If it's the stone-faced guy with the cheery girl picture I'm getting in my head, it'll probably get worse. That situation is also pretty unhealthy for you.
posted by Evernix at 4:50 PM on November 29, 2010
She, too, said it first while she was drunk, and I responded with silence because...well...she was drunk, and so was I. She then said it on multiple occasions while she was sober, with full knowledge that I would not say it back. Then a bombshell dropped, which, again while she was drunk, confessed that she didn't feel loved because I didn't say it back.
Anyway, it may have something to do with the way he interprets the word "love." I find it particularly hard to say it to whatever girl I'm dating, and I have yet to say it - mostly because I take the term so seriously. It probably has something to do with the fact that I know a good number of guys who lie and say "love you too" just to continue sleeping with the girl they're with.
I'm head over heels in love with him and he doesn't seem to be experiencing the same things...
Again, sounds exactly like my ex. If it's the stone-faced guy with the cheery girl picture I'm getting in my head, it'll probably get worse. That situation is also pretty unhealthy for you.
posted by Evernix at 4:50 PM on November 29, 2010
Yeah, it's taken me a loooong time to learn, but just say it, and feel it, and enjoy it. You are in charge of your half of the relationship experience - doesn't it feel great to love him?! Doesn't it feel wonderful to have such lovely, amazing feelings?! Doesn't he deserve to know? Doesn't it feel great to say it, to express it... ???
If the relationship really is fine, and you're getting your needs otherwise met, don't let this be an issue.
I really like what Bebo said - say it because you want to say it, because you want the other person to know, not because you care whether they say it back or not.
Make it about you really living and enjoying your contribution to the relationship. When you hold back with fear, it just confirms the other person's doubts.
posted by Locochona at 6:26 PM on November 29, 2010
If the relationship really is fine, and you're getting your needs otherwise met, don't let this be an issue.
I really like what Bebo said - say it because you want to say it, because you want the other person to know, not because you care whether they say it back or not.
Make it about you really living and enjoying your contribution to the relationship. When you hold back with fear, it just confirms the other person's doubts.
posted by Locochona at 6:26 PM on November 29, 2010
Response by poster: In answer to the many questions....
I think my tendency toward neuroticism led my description to make things sound a skewed. I do understand how my emotional wording could leave some mefites to question the health of my relationship, but I truly don't believe that is a concern.
When I said "I'm head over heels in love with him and he doesn't seem to be experiencing the same things" i didn't mean to imply that he doesn't act like he cares, or that he leaves me feeling that our relationship is totally off-kilter. At least some of it is in the expression of love - that I'm feeling something intensely enough that I have a strong desire to express it, and he doesn't share the desire to express it. As many of you mentioned, this could have a myriad of explanations (though, prettypretty, the idea that he would be someone who only wants to show his emotion and not ever say "i love you" would be hard for me to accept).
His response to me saying it and to talking about it later wasn't outright silence: he thanked me the first time, and when it came up again he responded with "That means a lot, I'm just not ready to say it". I realize that is a whole lot different than "i do not love you" but it doesn't take a neurotic and emotionally vulnerable woman too long to make that leap.
Decani, I understand the mentality that a declaration like "i love you" shouldn't be made with an expected response, and I truly want to be in that place. But from some of the responses here and from the plethora of stereotypes of men and women in relationships, I can't help but feel like me continuing to say it because I feel that way and want him to know it, even if I have no expectation of reciprocation, will scare him away or put undue pressure on him and the relationship.
On a lighter note, after months on MetaFilter, it was this question that revealed my MeFi identity to my sister :)
posted by moshimosh at 6:47 PM on November 29, 2010
I think my tendency toward neuroticism led my description to make things sound a skewed. I do understand how my emotional wording could leave some mefites to question the health of my relationship, but I truly don't believe that is a concern.
When I said "I'm head over heels in love with him and he doesn't seem to be experiencing the same things" i didn't mean to imply that he doesn't act like he cares, or that he leaves me feeling that our relationship is totally off-kilter. At least some of it is in the expression of love - that I'm feeling something intensely enough that I have a strong desire to express it, and he doesn't share the desire to express it. As many of you mentioned, this could have a myriad of explanations (though, prettypretty, the idea that he would be someone who only wants to show his emotion and not ever say "i love you" would be hard for me to accept).
His response to me saying it and to talking about it later wasn't outright silence: he thanked me the first time, and when it came up again he responded with "That means a lot, I'm just not ready to say it". I realize that is a whole lot different than "i do not love you" but it doesn't take a neurotic and emotionally vulnerable woman too long to make that leap.
Decani, I understand the mentality that a declaration like "i love you" shouldn't be made with an expected response, and I truly want to be in that place. But from some of the responses here and from the plethora of stereotypes of men and women in relationships, I can't help but feel like me continuing to say it because I feel that way and want him to know it, even if I have no expectation of reciprocation, will scare him away or put undue pressure on him and the relationship.
On a lighter note, after months on MetaFilter, it was this question that revealed my MeFi identity to my sister :)
posted by moshimosh at 6:47 PM on November 29, 2010
"That means a lot, I'm just not ready to say it".
That actually sounds like a a good response, to me -- he's respectful enough to be honest with you about his feelings and value your feelings at the same time.
posted by scody at 7:13 PM on November 29, 2010 [4 favorites]
That actually sounds like a a good response, to me -- he's respectful enough to be honest with you about his feelings and value your feelings at the same time.
posted by scody at 7:13 PM on November 29, 2010 [4 favorites]
That means a lot, I'm just not ready to say it
I know you know it but this really is a totally, totally different thing than his not sharing feelings with you. Perhaps you could think of right now as that part of your loving him is giving him the space to get to that particular stage on his own, give him the chance to make the next move with it. 6 months is not a very long time, especially if you turn out to be with one that's "meant to be" (I've been with my wife 14 years now and I could not tell you who said it first or if there was a gap between one and the other, it is so long out of memory and relevance, just that it gets said every single day now).
posted by nanojath at 9:24 AM on November 30, 2010 [3 favorites]
I know you know it but this really is a totally, totally different thing than his not sharing feelings with you. Perhaps you could think of right now as that part of your loving him is giving him the space to get to that particular stage on his own, give him the chance to make the next move with it. 6 months is not a very long time, especially if you turn out to be with one that's "meant to be" (I've been with my wife 14 years now and I could not tell you who said it first or if there was a gap between one and the other, it is so long out of memory and relevance, just that it gets said every single day now).
posted by nanojath at 9:24 AM on November 30, 2010 [3 favorites]
I didn't reciprocate and after a few times, she didn't think I cared for her, she cried and I felt awful :(. I keep on insisting with her that actions are much more important since words and labels mean different things to different people, advice?
posted by Nighthawk3729 at 10:53 PM on December 1, 2010
posted by Nighthawk3729 at 10:53 PM on December 1, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
This is not a great relationship.
posted by norbulator at 5:32 PM on November 28, 2010 [5 favorites]