Boyfriend and creativity and insecurities
November 26, 2010 8:41 AM Subscribe
I am with a great guy. We are in the same design school. He's much better than me. It makes me feel insecure. What is that? How do I change my feelings about this?
English isn't my native language, so please pardon my grammar and spelling errors (and don't hesitate to correct me :-))
I'm an industrial design student. Right now I am working on a semester-long project at school. We are a class of 7 students working on this common project. Each of us have to give an answer (ie : make an individual project).
Besides being a design student I am in a relationship with another design student ...and we are in the same class which means we work on the same subject.
This guy I'm with is very talented. He is outstanding. Everybody agrees about that. He does his work as if he didn't know that. Not that he denies his talent. But he just doesn't take it for granted, I guess. His high self-esteem added to his modesty and humility is (beyond a lot of other things) why I like him that much.
Now, let's go to the point :
This morning we each of us had to give a presentation to a panel of specialists to show them what we were about to design. Each of our presentations went great. After that our teacher saw each of us, individually, to discuss about our projects and about the presentation. My teacher was very positive about my work, he gave me ideas to go further, etc. etc. But while he was talking I couldn't help thinking that my work wasn't as good as I wanted, and also that my work wasn't as good as BF's one. At that moment I felt so insecure I started to cry.
On a side note : I cry a lot while working on such things. It's so damn hard, and I doubt too much... So, when I started to cry the teacher was rather empathic. He told me he knew it was a hard moment for me, but he also told me that he trusted me, he knows I'll end up showing (and making) a great idea at the end of the semester.
Here comes the reason why I'm writing to you, MeFites.
I'm starting to realise that being with this over-talented guy makes me feel even more insecure about my own work.
When I stop and think about what I feel, I think it's as if he'd appreciate me less if I'd do crappy work. Why on earth do I have this feeling?
I know I have a pretty low self-esteem. I work hard to get better at this. And it's getting better, slowly... (thanks to therapy, beyond other things).
I'm a bit clueless so here are some questions...
- how can I dissociate the boyfriend from the talented student?
- how can I prevent myself from comparing my work and his?
- how can I persuade myself that his liking me isn't linked to my work? (I know it isn't).
- how did you manage such relationships?
It's been one month we've been together, and I hope it's only a start!
I'm looking foward to reading your experiences, insights, advices, etc.
Thank you a lot in advance.
(and sorry again for the language mistakes...)
English isn't my native language, so please pardon my grammar and spelling errors (and don't hesitate to correct me :-))
I'm an industrial design student. Right now I am working on a semester-long project at school. We are a class of 7 students working on this common project. Each of us have to give an answer (ie : make an individual project).
Besides being a design student I am in a relationship with another design student ...and we are in the same class which means we work on the same subject.
This guy I'm with is very talented. He is outstanding. Everybody agrees about that. He does his work as if he didn't know that. Not that he denies his talent. But he just doesn't take it for granted, I guess. His high self-esteem added to his modesty and humility is (beyond a lot of other things) why I like him that much.
Now, let's go to the point :
This morning we each of us had to give a presentation to a panel of specialists to show them what we were about to design. Each of our presentations went great. After that our teacher saw each of us, individually, to discuss about our projects and about the presentation. My teacher was very positive about my work, he gave me ideas to go further, etc. etc. But while he was talking I couldn't help thinking that my work wasn't as good as I wanted, and also that my work wasn't as good as BF's one. At that moment I felt so insecure I started to cry.
On a side note : I cry a lot while working on such things. It's so damn hard, and I doubt too much... So, when I started to cry the teacher was rather empathic. He told me he knew it was a hard moment for me, but he also told me that he trusted me, he knows I'll end up showing (and making) a great idea at the end of the semester.
Here comes the reason why I'm writing to you, MeFites.
I'm starting to realise that being with this over-talented guy makes me feel even more insecure about my own work.
When I stop and think about what I feel, I think it's as if he'd appreciate me less if I'd do crappy work. Why on earth do I have this feeling?
I know I have a pretty low self-esteem. I work hard to get better at this. And it's getting better, slowly... (thanks to therapy, beyond other things).
I'm a bit clueless so here are some questions...
- how can I dissociate the boyfriend from the talented student?
- how can I prevent myself from comparing my work and his?
- how can I persuade myself that his liking me isn't linked to my work? (I know it isn't).
- how did you manage such relationships?
It's been one month we've been together, and I hope it's only a start!
I'm looking foward to reading your experiences, insights, advices, etc.
Thank you a lot in advance.
(and sorry again for the language mistakes...)
First of all, you don't need to apologize for your writing. Your English is great. But just to clarify one little thing: when you say...
Not that he denies his talent. But he just doesn't take it for granted, I guess.
...I think you mean he does take it for granted, right? He acts like the fact that he's so talented is just natural and obvious, not a big deal.
Beyond that, I recommend reading this thread. ("My partner is a terrific person. He's a wonderful artist and musician. I am awkward and talentless... I feel like a horrible, unworthy, uptight, talentless loser tagging along with a person waaaay out of my league.")
And there have been other AskMe threads along the same lines. Clearly this is a common problem. I do think your case is pretty extreme if you've apt to start crying in public in response to getting positive feedback on your work. This suggests the issue might be beyond what Metafilter can help you with and it might be better suited to therapy. I take it you're already in therapy; I'd definitely bring up this specific issue if you haven't already.
posted by John Cohen at 9:04 AM on November 26, 2010
Not that he denies his talent. But he just doesn't take it for granted, I guess.
...I think you mean he does take it for granted, right? He acts like the fact that he's so talented is just natural and obvious, not a big deal.
Beyond that, I recommend reading this thread. ("My partner is a terrific person. He's a wonderful artist and musician. I am awkward and talentless... I feel like a horrible, unworthy, uptight, talentless loser tagging along with a person waaaay out of my league.")
And there have been other AskMe threads along the same lines. Clearly this is a common problem. I do think your case is pretty extreme if you've apt to start crying in public in response to getting positive feedback on your work. This suggests the issue might be beyond what Metafilter can help you with and it might be better suited to therapy. I take it you're already in therapy; I'd definitely bring up this specific issue if you haven't already.
posted by John Cohen at 9:04 AM on November 26, 2010
I would encourage you to think about the positive qualities that you have that are entirely unrelated to design. You are more than a design student; there are other aspects of your life and personhood. It would take an exceptionally narrow focus for him to not notice and appreciate these other aspects of you, choosing to be with you only because of your work.
I realize that what I am about to say in the following paragraphs is outside of the specific questions you asked; it addresses what looks (from my perspective) to be another issue in your post, but if it is irrelevant feel free to ignore it.
Open yourself to learning from him. It's hard to do this when you're feeling insecure. But it will help you be and feel more competent. View his skill as an incredible asset to both of you, because it is. You are both "on the same team".
I should also note that you both may have things to teach each other. It may make it easier to learn from him if you think to yourself that there might be things that he could learn from you.
posted by a snickering nuthatch at 9:05 AM on November 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
I realize that what I am about to say in the following paragraphs is outside of the specific questions you asked; it addresses what looks (from my perspective) to be another issue in your post, but if it is irrelevant feel free to ignore it.
Open yourself to learning from him. It's hard to do this when you're feeling insecure. But it will help you be and feel more competent. View his skill as an incredible asset to both of you, because it is. You are both "on the same team".
I should also note that you both may have things to teach each other. It may make it easier to learn from him if you think to yourself that there might be things that he could learn from you.
posted by a snickering nuthatch at 9:05 AM on November 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I'm glad you have a therapist to work with you on this--it seems to me it is a self-esteem issue. Your writing skills are great--I couldn't do as well in another language. It is a tremendous challenge to accept and love oneself. Being happy with who you are doesn't mean you can't change or grow, but it does mean you can enjoy the process more.
Over my years of therapy, I learned that my low self-esteem was actually a form of vanity--it was a very difficult realisation (I'm actually publically admitting it here for the first time), and I even quit a wonderful therapist because he literally had me look in a mirror and acknowledge that I was a vain person. My vanity was not about my appearance, but my intelligence, education, etc. And because I was vain, I envied those who made me aware that I wasn't the smartest person in the room.
What has helped, is realizing that while I am smart, there will always be someone smarter. I can envy that person or beat myself up about that, or I can appreciate what I can learn from them and know that I have strengths to share as well and that being in a partnership with someone who challenges me and makes me want to be a better person is a very good thing.
Remember that his success does not diminish your success. You can shine in your own right. It is cliche' but if, at the end of the day, you can walk away feeling that you have done your best, that needs to be enough for you.
posted by agatha_magatha at 9:14 AM on November 26, 2010 [7 favorites]
Over my years of therapy, I learned that my low self-esteem was actually a form of vanity--it was a very difficult realisation (I'm actually publically admitting it here for the first time), and I even quit a wonderful therapist because he literally had me look in a mirror and acknowledge that I was a vain person. My vanity was not about my appearance, but my intelligence, education, etc. And because I was vain, I envied those who made me aware that I wasn't the smartest person in the room.
What has helped, is realizing that while I am smart, there will always be someone smarter. I can envy that person or beat myself up about that, or I can appreciate what I can learn from them and know that I have strengths to share as well and that being in a partnership with someone who challenges me and makes me want to be a better person is a very good thing.
Remember that his success does not diminish your success. You can shine in your own right. It is cliche' but if, at the end of the day, you can walk away feeling that you have done your best, that needs to be enough for you.
posted by agatha_magatha at 9:14 AM on November 26, 2010 [7 favorites]
Another thing. I can't know if it's true that he's more talented than you. It's not that I don't believe you, but you can't objectively judge that kind of thing; no one could. But even if that is true, your design work is not the entirety of who you are. Design is just one of many things about you, and there are other things you're great at. (See Jpfed's comment.)
I know almost nothing about you, but I already know two things you've done that are admirable that have nothing to do with design. You've mastered English. (By the way, that and design are two things you're humble about.) I spent several years learning French, but my French will never be nearly as good as your English. I also remember your previous question, where you asked for music recommendations that would be enjoyable to you despite your deafness. Many people would assume being deaf automatically means not enjoying music, but you've pushed the boundaries of what's possible. You've found creative ways to achieve the full pleasure life has to offer.
You can always find someone else to judge yourself against (whether this person is your boyfriend or someone else), but the most important thing in life isn't how your academic or artistic or professional accomplishments rank against someone else.
posted by John Cohen at 9:21 AM on November 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
I know almost nothing about you, but I already know two things you've done that are admirable that have nothing to do with design. You've mastered English. (By the way, that and design are two things you're humble about.) I spent several years learning French, but my French will never be nearly as good as your English. I also remember your previous question, where you asked for music recommendations that would be enjoyable to you despite your deafness. Many people would assume being deaf automatically means not enjoying music, but you've pushed the boundaries of what's possible. You've found creative ways to achieve the full pleasure life has to offer.
You can always find someone else to judge yourself against (whether this person is your boyfriend or someone else), but the most important thing in life isn't how your academic or artistic or professional accomplishments rank against someone else.
posted by John Cohen at 9:21 AM on November 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I don't think that you can NOT compare your work with his or with anyone else's in your program. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses, and learning your strong points as well as those areas for improvement is a big part of learning to work in the world. I'd encourage you to use your friendship with this guy as a chance to learn from him--you've got an incredible opportunity.
And, in the real world--you're not just your resume or your output. You have life experiences and insights gained from those experiences that are yours alone. At the risk of encouraging special snowflakery, I think you might do well to remind yourself of those great qualities you do bring to your relationships, your class work and your friendships. If you want an exercise to sort of jog those thought patterns--write down a little list of things you did well every day.
posted by Ideefixe at 9:23 AM on November 26, 2010
And, in the real world--you're not just your resume or your output. You have life experiences and insights gained from those experiences that are yours alone. At the risk of encouraging special snowflakery, I think you might do well to remind yourself of those great qualities you do bring to your relationships, your class work and your friendships. If you want an exercise to sort of jog those thought patterns--write down a little list of things you did well every day.
posted by Ideefixe at 9:23 AM on November 26, 2010
It sounds like you're quite competitive and therefore put a lot of weight on noticing and cataloging the nuances of who's better at what. Is this something you do with other people too or just your boyfriend? Do you have a tendency to compete with people in other realms of life and to get jealous easily? Or assume everyone else is also weighing and judging? This is something you can work on about yourself, because it's not a very useful trait in the long run, it'll only make you unhappy.
It's related to self esteem but it's also, I think, a learned trait if someone's parents or teachers motivated them early in life by comparing them to others: you got an A but little Suzie got an A+, why didn't you get an A+ like her? You internalize the idea of constantly comparing yourself to everyone around you. And slowly drive yourself mad.
posted by fshgrl at 9:24 AM on November 26, 2010
It's related to self esteem but it's also, I think, a learned trait if someone's parents or teachers motivated them early in life by comparing them to others: you got an A but little Suzie got an A+, why didn't you get an A+ like her? You internalize the idea of constantly comparing yourself to everyone around you. And slowly drive yourself mad.
posted by fshgrl at 9:24 AM on November 26, 2010
Best answer: Why must you be better than your BF at design? It is a common cognitive mistake of people with self-esteem issues to compare themselves to others, as if it was a competition. But nowhere is it written that it is a comptetition.
Also, even saying one person is "better" than another is inaccurate. I'm sure if you looked at his work and compared it to yours, in some areas, no matter how small, your work is superior to his.
I suggest reading and doing the excercises in "Feeling Good" by Dr. David Burns.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:01 AM on November 26, 2010
Also, even saying one person is "better" than another is inaccurate. I'm sure if you looked at his work and compared it to yours, in some areas, no matter how small, your work is superior to his.
I suggest reading and doing the excercises in "Feeling Good" by Dr. David Burns.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:01 AM on November 26, 2010
I agree with everyone who is saying that you don't need to evaluate yourself against other students, because 1) this is a bad habit that probably isn't objective and 2) even if it were, this isn't a competition. If this fails you, however, do what I did when I was really intimidated by my super-smart grad-school colleagues: imagine the alternative, if magically your BF and every other person in your program were terrible at design, making you the best student. Wouldn't your program be a terrible place to learn? You wouldn't have as much inspiration or motivation to improve, and you'd learn a lot less.
I decided early on that in the best of all possible worlds I would be the worst person in my program, not because I want to be less capable, but because I want everyone around me to be as capable as possible. That way I'll be inspired, and I'll have amazing colleagues that can help me out when I can't get a job. Once I started thinking this way, I almost instantly stopped evaluating myself and others in terms of quality and rank, because even the 'worst' situation would be my choice.
posted by farishta at 11:09 AM on November 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
I decided early on that in the best of all possible worlds I would be the worst person in my program, not because I want to be less capable, but because I want everyone around me to be as capable as possible. That way I'll be inspired, and I'll have amazing colleagues that can help me out when I can't get a job. Once I started thinking this way, I almost instantly stopped evaluating myself and others in terms of quality and rank, because even the 'worst' situation would be my choice.
posted by farishta at 11:09 AM on November 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
I think if you started looking at your work in the grand scheme of things, it would go a lot better. Right now you're looking at in on an assignment to assignment basis, and your partner is doing better work than you. But that doesn't mean his work is more important than yours. In the real world, when you're an actual designer and not a student, what you do is just as important to what it means, the the scene as a whole. In fields like this, design, art, music, etc, you have to realize that all contributions are important. If only the people who were the absolute best worked, then we'd have a flat, boring, uninteresting design scene. We need people like you, trust me.
And, who knows, maybe these assignments just aren't your niche. Maybe you're destined to work outside the box of conventional industrial design, to work on things that are there yet, that there aren't assignments for. Remember, you're just a student. You have years to perfect your work. You have so much room to grow, so much room for potential.
posted by shesaysgo at 11:13 AM on November 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
And, who knows, maybe these assignments just aren't your niche. Maybe you're destined to work outside the box of conventional industrial design, to work on things that are there yet, that there aren't assignments for. Remember, you're just a student. You have years to perfect your work. You have so much room to grow, so much room for potential.
posted by shesaysgo at 11:13 AM on November 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
He may or may not be more talented than you but, remember, design is a lot about fulfilling peoples' individual aesthetic and there is a lot of room for a lot of different design (sweatshirts with kittens on them. I mean, WTF, people?). In school, you are going to be judged against one another, that's what school does, but try to think like a racer racing against herself. Keep getting better and find your own design voice. There is room out in the world for you both to be very successful. And he wouldn't be with you if he didn't respect your work, so, you should see his desire to be with you as a complement to you as a person AND AS A DESIGNER.
posted by Foam Pants at 12:38 PM on November 26, 2010
posted by Foam Pants at 12:38 PM on November 26, 2010
I think women are taught more that they have to be perfect, and to doubt themselves a lot. Your boyfriend has probably been working on his design skills for a long time. But maybe he doesn't have the extra burden of worrying about whether he has talent and doubting himself, which makes it less hard to do the work that makes his designs better. If you keep telling yourself "my work isn't good enough," just note that feeling, and move on and keep working. It doesn't have to be good every time, the important thing is to stick to your practice. You're a student! You're supposed to be going through a learning process, which means doing work that is NOT outstanding, learning from it, and moving on.
Did you ask your boyfriend if he has ever experienced moments when he thought, or was told, his work wasn't so good? How did he handle that? It happens to everyone eventually, the key is to keep working and don't feel bad about not doing one project as well as you want.
posted by citron at 2:14 PM on November 26, 2010
Did you ask your boyfriend if he has ever experienced moments when he thought, or was told, his work wasn't so good? How did he handle that? It happens to everyone eventually, the key is to keep working and don't feel bad about not doing one project as well as you want.
posted by citron at 2:14 PM on November 26, 2010
Best answer: From an old fart:
Been there, done that - what a waste of time :-|
Rule nr. 1:
There is always someone better, brigter, more beautiful out there.
Rule nr. 2:
So fucking what?!
You do not have to be brightest og best or most adorable or whatever. Life is not about being best. No happiness down that path. If you are accustumed to being among the brightest, enjoy meeting someone brighter and learn from them.
I infer form your post that your underlying thinking could be "not best = not worthy". Bullshit. Vanity, as agatha_magatha wrote. Nobody is best all the time.
Your worth as a human being is not related to your position in a hierachy.
The sooner you get that and learn to be comfortable with that fact, the sooner you can enjoy learning and just being YOU. You are uniqe and - judging from your posts - talented.
Enjoy.
posted by Thug at 3:38 PM on November 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
Been there, done that - what a waste of time :-|
Rule nr. 1:
There is always someone better, brigter, more beautiful out there.
Rule nr. 2:
So fucking what?!
You do not have to be brightest og best or most adorable or whatever. Life is not about being best. No happiness down that path. If you are accustumed to being among the brightest, enjoy meeting someone brighter and learn from them.
I infer form your post that your underlying thinking could be "not best = not worthy". Bullshit. Vanity, as agatha_magatha wrote. Nobody is best all the time.
Your worth as a human being is not related to your position in a hierachy.
The sooner you get that and learn to be comfortable with that fact, the sooner you can enjoy learning and just being YOU. You are uniqe and - judging from your posts - talented.
Enjoy.
posted by Thug at 3:38 PM on November 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
Reading what you wrote about your work, I thought you sounded like me in some ways, and I wonder if you are actually doing better work than you are giving yourself credit for. In school, I found it very easy to see when other people were talented or achieving well and tended to judge my own work very harshly. This was partly because I knew I could be working harder, but I was in fact doing REALLY well in all my classes. Just because I was capable of writing something even better did not mean that my A papers were bad!
And like agatha_magatha, just because someone else seemed (or was) smarter, did not make me incompetent or dumb. This way of looking at things was an outcome of my low self-esteem and perfectionism, and I had to deal with some very set thinking patterns. Things that helped were not automatically concluding that someone else's good work necessarily meant that mine was bad (maybe we both did well!), and believing it more when other people responded positively to what I was doing.
In the example you gave, you said that everyone's presentations (including yours) had gone really well, and that your teacher was giving you very positive feedback about your project, yet your response to that was that your work was not good, or at least not good enough. I would like to suggest that if it really weren't good, then your presentation would not have gone well (before a panel of qualified specialists) and your teacher would not have been so positive and supportive of what you were doing.
I often had to remind myself that the positive feedback I received from others was not just them being nice to me or not having proper standards, but was in fact genuine and a truer evaluation of what I had done than I was always capable of giving.
posted by sumiami at 4:08 PM on November 26, 2010
And like agatha_magatha, just because someone else seemed (or was) smarter, did not make me incompetent or dumb. This way of looking at things was an outcome of my low self-esteem and perfectionism, and I had to deal with some very set thinking patterns. Things that helped were not automatically concluding that someone else's good work necessarily meant that mine was bad (maybe we both did well!), and believing it more when other people responded positively to what I was doing.
In the example you gave, you said that everyone's presentations (including yours) had gone really well, and that your teacher was giving you very positive feedback about your project, yet your response to that was that your work was not good, or at least not good enough. I would like to suggest that if it really weren't good, then your presentation would not have gone well (before a panel of qualified specialists) and your teacher would not have been so positive and supportive of what you were doing.
I often had to remind myself that the positive feedback I received from others was not just them being nice to me or not having proper standards, but was in fact genuine and a truer evaluation of what I had done than I was always capable of giving.
posted by sumiami at 4:08 PM on November 26, 2010
You seem to be designating your bf as all good as a designer, and yourself as all bad. You also seem to become upset (to the point of tears) if anyone offers you evidence to challenge this view.
It's also very common - and 100% culturally supported - for men to become enraged if their female partners are professionally equal to or better than them. It's an everyday manifestation of envy. That doesn't mean your bf is (or isn't) envious in this way.
Maybe the two things you need to do in order to survive - succeed professionally, and be loved - are at war with each other in your mind. Could that be it?
posted by tel3path at 4:58 PM on November 26, 2010
It's also very common - and 100% culturally supported - for men to become enraged if their female partners are professionally equal to or better than them. It's an everyday manifestation of envy. That doesn't mean your bf is (or isn't) envious in this way.
Maybe the two things you need to do in order to survive - succeed professionally, and be loved - are at war with each other in your mind. Could that be it?
posted by tel3path at 4:58 PM on November 26, 2010
Well, your bf picked you, didn't he?
If he's so talented designing then that must say something about you =)
Have faith (both in yourself and your bf's taste).
posted by jstarlee at 5:16 PM on November 26, 2010
If he's so talented designing then that must say something about you =)
Have faith (both in yourself and your bf's taste).
posted by jstarlee at 5:16 PM on November 26, 2010
Well, I assume you already were not laboring under the idea that you were the greatest designer in the world, and your bf (if you say so) is one of the better ones. It's just that you were able to snag him as your boyfriend. Hurrah!
And, as others have pointed out, we have some anecdotal evidence you may be pretty great.
The important question, then, that you posed is:
- how can I persuade myself that his liking me isn't linked to my work? (I know it isn't).
I'm not sure how you can persuade yourself, exactly, but it's true. Your vocational acumen has 0% of how awesome a girlfriend you are. Or a person you are.
posted by mreleganza at 5:51 PM on November 26, 2010
And, as others have pointed out, we have some anecdotal evidence you may be pretty great.
The important question, then, that you posed is:
- how can I persuade myself that his liking me isn't linked to my work? (I know it isn't).
I'm not sure how you can persuade yourself, exactly, but it's true. Your vocational acumen has 0% of how awesome a girlfriend you are. Or a person you are.
posted by mreleganza at 5:51 PM on November 26, 2010
Best answer: how can I dissociate the boyfriend from the talented student?>>> I don't think you can, after all, his talent is also something attractive and admirable. What you could do however, is get to know his "talent" better... talk to him about how he feels about his work, talk to him about what his mental processes are while developing projects, and how he feels about his finished outcome. His thought processes may be exactly the same as yours, or even more doubtful and insecure.
how can I prevent myself from comparing my work and his?>>> I would just try to do work in a distinctly different direction as his, if possible. Do work that isn't comparable. Or, again, talk to him about your work. He probably sees postive things in your approach that you havn't even given yourself credit for.
how can I persuade myself that his liking me isn't linked to my work? (I know it isn't). >>>I think talking to him about all the above things will help you understand this.
how did you manage such relationships?>>> I think you need get humble yourself. Ok, maybe you have less talent, maybe you're just insecure, whatever. If you are going to make a career as a designer, you're going to have to partner with people who are more/less talented than you all the time. I say work with your boyfriend, involve him in your projects and get involved in his, learn from him and practice being his partner.
I've known people like that - who are so talented, they make it look easy. Like they don't even have to work at it. I know that's hard to be around, but ... you have to understand what is really going on inside him. The same artists I knew like that were very insecure, and critized aspects of their work that the rest of us thought were great, and also, they see aspects of others' work as being wonderful, that the rest of us don't even see.
posted by Locochona at 7:03 AM on November 27, 2010
how can I prevent myself from comparing my work and his?>>> I would just try to do work in a distinctly different direction as his, if possible. Do work that isn't comparable. Or, again, talk to him about your work. He probably sees postive things in your approach that you havn't even given yourself credit for.
how can I persuade myself that his liking me isn't linked to my work? (I know it isn't). >>>I think talking to him about all the above things will help you understand this.
how did you manage such relationships?>>> I think you need get humble yourself. Ok, maybe you have less talent, maybe you're just insecure, whatever. If you are going to make a career as a designer, you're going to have to partner with people who are more/less talented than you all the time. I say work with your boyfriend, involve him in your projects and get involved in his, learn from him and practice being his partner.
I've known people like that - who are so talented, they make it look easy. Like they don't even have to work at it. I know that's hard to be around, but ... you have to understand what is really going on inside him. The same artists I knew like that were very insecure, and critized aspects of their work that the rest of us thought were great, and also, they see aspects of others' work as being wonderful, that the rest of us don't even see.
posted by Locochona at 7:03 AM on November 27, 2010
Response by poster: Thank you so much, Mefites. Your wise comments are very helpful and you've given me a lot of material to think of!
posted by OrangeCat at 2:41 AM on November 29, 2010
posted by OrangeCat at 2:41 AM on November 29, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
How people design and what are the outcomes of their design decisions are different for every person. Comparing is no big deal as long as you don't agonize over it. Perhaps you could play a friendly game of design a better position to sleep in and see who gets the most sleep.
I have no idea for question 3
I became a better lover and started managing my own time better.
posted by parmanparman at 8:54 AM on November 26, 2010