I'm in a new relationship that's going great, but he's scared of thinking about a future together, and we have different views on kids and marriage. Should I be patient, or is it better to cut my losses?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (27 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
I'm in a fairly new relationship (4 months or so), everything is going well. I think I'm seriously falling for the guy, but I'm starting to become concerned with the fact that we might have different life goals, his capacity for commitment, and whether it's worth it to pursue further. I'm looking for advice on when you know a relationship is a waste of time, despite everything going great, or whether I'm jumping the gun and need to practice more patience (if this is the case, please give me a reality check).
We are in our early 20's and just beginning our careers. We have both been in relationships, some long term, in the past, but they weren't right. I've never been a romantic, and wasn't sure about my thoughts on marriage or kids, but I can see the long term potential with this guy. We are compatible most important ways, and I can see us growing together. It's early, but something in me lit up, and I can see myself with this guy for years to come and maybe beyond. I'm not picking out my wedding dress, but for the first time, I can see that it's possible, and it's exciting for me.
He hasn't even thought about the future of our relationship. When I mentioned that I saw potential for this relationship (I didn't mention anything scary like kids, marriage, or for life), he got scared that I've been thinking about it. Additionally, he's unsure if he believes in marriage, or whether he'll have kids, whereas I would like to have a family someday (I'm talking at least 5 years or more!) I feel besides this, our other goals and values in life are compatible.
We are currently in a monogamous relationship, and I don't doubt his commitment to me *right now*. Most of his relationships have been quite short, with the long ones being either many years ago, or just a dragged out, meaningless relationship. I don't know if he'll ever be ready for committing to a future, or whether he'll be ready for the right person.
I know he cares for me, and I don't question his feelings for me. We have a great relationship and we are happy. I just don't know if I'm wasting my time with a guy who is scared about the prospect of me thinking about a future together, and who is unsure about kids and marriage. I know we're young, and I have reason to believe he'll change his mind someday (he actually loves kids and he is a monogamous relationship-er), but who knows. Maybe he won't, or maybe it'll be 20 years before he's "ready".
I know our relationship is young, and we are young. But would it be better to break up before we get too involved in the face of such an incompatibility in life goals, because we'll probably break up due to this down the line, when it'll be harder? Or maybe I'm making a mountain of a molehill, especially considering we might never last long enough for this to even be an issue. I would like a sanity check-- am I jumping the gun by thinking about our future, and he'll come to it in his own time? Or will he never get to that level of commitment?
I think I mostly want reassurance that I just need to give him time and be patient, and his reaction is typical. But I'd also like to know if I'm just being silly sticking around and this is an obvious sign for me to leave.