When you're dreaming with a broken heart, giving up is the hardest part

November 22, 2010 7:22 PM

Need specific strategies to use to move on after losing best friend in a fight.

My best friend since kindergarten and I have had a falling out over her fiancee. They've been together many years and this coming year, they're getting married. This guy is more than just a loser and a deadbeat (although unfortunately, he is that too), he cheated on my friend multiple times, and the last straw was when he put his hands on me and I had to literally push him off. I tried every way I could to convince her that she deserves better, but the love ear mufflers and blinders are on, and I can't reach her. When I realized that the 'friendship' was upsetting me more than it was making me happy, I told her so and haven't communicated with her since. That was a year and a half ago. It breaks my heart not to have my dear friend in my life anymore. It is particularly hard around the holidays because I used to spend them with her. Can anyone who's gone through this give me tips on how to get through this? I've cut her off completely, including un-friending her on Facebook, but I can still see it when she replies to friends' posts. Many of my favorite things and songs are associated with her, including her being in all my wedding photos.

Right now the things I'm trying are consciously telling my mind "stop thinking about this, it's a lost cause" whenever I start obsessing about how I could recover our friendship, or how I'd like to confront her fiancee, or what I would say if I ran into her in our small hometown (we have the same favorite restaurant, and I look for her whenever I go). I am especially fixated on what I could do to stop their wedding (a la 'Wayne's World') even though it's all just a terrible daydream, like sending her an anonymous self-help book to help her get through her self esteem issues, or sending her a photo of my baby shower with a note about how she should have been there.. something that could be the catalyst for her waking up and realizing what a mistake she's making. I know it's all just pipe dreams, but I find it very difficult to convince my lizard brain of that. I have a lot of other wonderful friends, but it is still hard to handle the loss of my very best and oldest friend because of all the times/memories we had etc.

- I particularly have trouble with this during my 1 hour commute to work, and particularly when I hear songs that remind me of her. General tips on how to get past incidents like this would be helpful, and also tips that specifically could be used in the car (I'm already trying changing the channel when I hear these songs, but that is not enough).

I've read through some of the prior questions on this, but most were short term advice type of things. I've been dealing with this for years already (probably 2 years before the final ultimatum conversation). I just have that kind of brain that has a tough time moving on, particularly because I tend to think very logically, and her actions are the illogical actions of an otherwise wonderful/amazing human being, that is why I'm having such a hard time accepting it.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (14 answers total)

I had a big blow up with my best friend and we didn't speak for a year before we kind of reconciled. I know exactly what you are going through. It was particularly painful for me because I would see her at parties. I think it's a lot like going through a divorce really. Anyways what helped me was making new friends and new memories with new songs.
posted by bananafish at 7:39 PM on November 22, 2010

during the one-hour commute: pod-casts and audio-books to keep your mind busy so you won't think about her, music from an artist that you've never heard before - that is in no way associated with former friend - so you won't think about her.
Losing a friend is extremely painful. DO NOT allow your mind to ruminate about it, that will not help in any way, shape, or form.

that being said, are you absolutely positive that you'd rather not have her in your life at all? Couldn't she be the girl-outings-only friend? Meaning you two can hang out, but he's not welcome to join 95% of the time. Just a thought.
posted by Neekee at 7:41 PM on November 22, 2010 [1 favorite]

I think you need to make a decision whether you want this person in your life or not. Sounds like you do. I had this unresolved falling out with a friend that was killing me. I had therapy for an unrelated matter - stress, and that came out as a large cause of my stress. the solution was to call my ex friend. I did, and it was wonderful. I would have never thought of it. A friendship is often more important than an argument.

Sounds like your friend is going to need someone when the deadbeatness of her boyfriend is made apparent to her. If you don't want her in your life time will heal, but you will always have a pang of sadness when you think of her- i would at any rate. Good luck
posted by the noob at 8:06 PM on November 22, 2010

Great advice given above.

The "catalyst for her waking up and realizing what a mistake she's making" has already occurred: she lost you, her longtime, dear friend. She might be too proud to admit her mistake in judgment right now, or maybe she's still enthralled with her loser fiance, but eventually she may come around. In the meantime, spend more time with your other friends and try to make some new ones.

The "Feeling Good Handbook" by David Burns has some excellent techniques to help overcome repetitive thinking and move on from past difficulties.
posted by LuckySeven~ at 8:12 PM on November 22, 2010 [3 favorites]

And, with all due respect to those who say you should reconcile with her, I wouldn't recommend doing so unless you are sure her fiance is out of the picture. Any man that would put his hands on you like that should be avoided at all costs ... even at the cost of your friendship. She's made her choice, but it's not worth putting your life in danger.
posted by LuckySeven~ at 8:19 PM on November 22, 2010 [3 favorites]

Nthing the be grateful advice, and strongly recommending that you officially block her on Facebook so she becomes truly out of sight, out of mind. I have had to do this to ex-friends and ex-lovers a lot in the past few years, and it is one of the most healing and helpful things I could do for myself.

And when you're reminded of her after you hear a song or see something that brings back a memory, maybe you could say to yourself, "I am truly happy to have shared this with her. May she be blessed, may she be happy. And if it is meant to be, help us come back together as friends, but only under the best of circumstances." And mean it. :)

You did the right thing by drawing the line. All you can do now is move forward and wish her the best.
posted by patronuscharms at 8:30 PM on November 22, 2010 [3 favorites]

When I realized that the 'friendship' was upsetting me more than it was making me happy, I told her so and haven't communicated with her since.

Do you still feel this way? If so, then you want to treat this like a failed relationship -- remind yourself of how upsetting this friendship was, and how important it is for your happiness that you move on. Patronuscharms has some good ideas about some self talk that could help you with specific reminders.

If you don't feel this way anymore . . . if missing her is making you sad . . . then I'd suggest you make contact again, with the understanding that there's one topic that's off limits for the two of you as long as she is happy with him, i.e. the loser in her life. (I say "as long as she is happy with him" because few things are more important or valuable than a loving and patient friend if she ever needs support leaving him.) You would also want to structure your get togethers so that they happen when Mr. Loser is not around. There is no reason you should ever be in a position to be victimized by him again.
posted by bearwife at 8:43 PM on November 22, 2010

The tough thing about the ol' love blinders is that they don't block out the negative comments. In fact, they might even make them louder.

What you say:
"Honey, you're the most awesome and wonderful and fantastic person ever. Your amazing fabulosity deserves someone who is not such a jerky jerk full of jerkitude."

What she hears:
"God, I thought you were smarter than that, but I guess not. What is WRONG with you? I mean, forget about that guy or whatever is wrong with him -- YOU'RE the loser, because YOU made the choice to be with him, even though you know that things aren't great."

[Everything I say after this is not meant to sound mean or hurtful. Trust me -- I've been there, on both sides.]
In her heart she knows that something doesn't add up (whatever that might be). She feels very hurt because she trusted you and you bailed on her when she needed you... even though you thought you were looking out for her best interests. It totally sucks ass to be in either of those positions.

It sounds like you're thinking about all of these things from a selfish perspective -- "I want her to get this self-help thing, because I can fix it!" or "I want to talk about our old memories and relive the good times!" Which, like you've said, is a very lizard-brain thing to do. You've been through something traumatic; you want to control whatever you can.

There are two things I think you need to think about here: yourself apart from her and yourself in relation to her. The former is way more important, but of course way more tough -- you probably wish you could rehash or try to explain this with someone, and who would know you or the situation better than your best friend, right? DO NOT DO THIS. Stay away. Give yourself some space and give her some space so you can both process things in the light of day.

The latter is difficult, too. It sounds like you're in a really tough, irrational place in your own head, and you need to back down from that before you do anything to approach her. If you get to that point sometime, think about what you can do to help a friend who is hurting, even though it might go against some of your own interests. Gaining back her trust, even to just be in the same place and give each other friendly hellos, will take a lot of time.

You need to let yourself grieve. Even if you find yourself friends again down the line, it won't be the same. That's fine; people change and times change, and maybe this was just the last straw, not the only thing. But let yourself remember the good times, be sad for what you might have had, be angry at what did or didn't happen before you blew up at each other, all that. It's the sudden death of a lot of hopes, but it's a chance for you to go out and learn more about yourself.

If you have a stronger, more compassionate sense of your own self, you'll be able to be a better friend to someone else later on.
posted by Madamina at 9:02 PM on November 22, 2010 [1 favorite]

Maybe it's a good thing to learn -- not that you'd have wanted to learn it, but maybe a good thing anyways -- good to learn that there are very few relationships which are permanent. Ebb and flow, people come, people go.

I had a bunch of heart attacks six years ago, died three times that day, came back from that experience changed in some fundamental way(s) and seem to have let go of people who were sewn deeply into the fabric of my life prior to this quite heavy experience. And I've lost a lot of people over the years, family, friends, lovers, lost them to death or lost them for whatever reasons. So it's gotten ...

No, not true -- I was going to say it's gotten easier. Nope. I've learned the contours of it, I know the terrain, I've some experience with it; that's more accurate. I've a brother in stage four lung cancer, it's ripping my heart out -- I cry like a kid, mostly in the night -- but I know that it's part of the show, part of human existence. Things change. People leave.

I won't recommend you have a divorce that shatters you to splinters, I won't recommend you having heart attacks and dying to learn some lesson or other, you damn sure don't want anyone in your sphere to have cancer, that I know. But you're going to learn this somehow, sometime, and yeah, maybe you'll get back tight with your friend and everything will be all groovy and stuff, but maybe you won't be friends again, this might be your entry into one of your pieces of learning about loss, through loss.

I don't mean to be all negative here, maybe I have been, I so like the comment above, by liketitanic: "... try to cultivate a sense of gratitude for all you've shared and all she's given you, all the intimacy you've had--even if you no longer have it now or possibly in the future, what you had was and still is yours... ."

That's really pretty, and damn good advice, too, seems to me. I wrote on here in some thread or other about how two women have gotten inside on me, they really got deep inside my heart, and try as I might I couldn't get them out when it was over, and they were sand then but they've turned over the years into lustrous, beautiful pearls, some of the prettiest things that're in my heart. One of them is 12 years in the grave, the second one married to another man these long years, both of these women are way out of my life but I've still got those pearls in my heart and I'm glad now that I do.
posted by dancestoblue at 11:25 PM on November 22, 2010 [3 favorites]

I've been in this experience, on both sides too, and I think a clean break like you're doing is the best thing. I think people would be better served in general if we treated friendships like romantic relationships in a sense, stick with me here, and set up boundaries, goals and respect within those, same as we do for romantic relationships.

Remind yourself that you weren't happy in the friendship, you were clear with her about that, and you were also feeling physically threatened. Like Diane Von Furstenberg says in the Hills (ha), the most important relationship you can have is with yourself, because in the end you always end up with yourself.
posted by sweetkid at 7:22 AM on November 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

Mod note: From the OP:

Thank you all so much for your very kind and thoughtful comments. The answers have been very useful and interesting. Just to be clear, for several years prior to stopping contact, I tried only seeing my friend without her boyfriend, and never talking about him. Even though I only saw her a few times a year, whenever I saw her I was terribly upset because it focused me on how angry I was that she was still with this person who hurt me (and more importantly, who hurt her, but I realize it's her prerogative to be with someone who hurts her). Also, we couldn't talk about any of the important things in her life, because they all involved him and their life together, and oftentimes how he was taking advantage of her. I realized a friendship like that is really no friendship at all, and continuing to pretend like that just helped her maintain the illusion that everything was OK, when it wasn't.

posted by jessamyn (staff) at 8:00 AM on November 23, 2010

It sounds like part of your obsessive thought surround wanting her to realize how horrible this guy is. I sympathize, but you were right in breaking things off because it's her choice. She chose him. You chose to break up the friendship, and it sounds like that was the right choice for you.

So mourn the friendship, find other great friends, wish her the best in your head. But only time will tell whether their relationship lasts - you have no control over that, so let it go. You made the right choice for yourself, that's all you can do.
posted by ldthomps at 8:48 AM on November 23, 2010

I don't mean to sound harsh, but you seem to be wallowing in this. You made a logical decision, but now you aren't thinking logically. If I read your post correctly, you have a husband and a baby ... and you're moping over songs from a friend? Like, often?

Do not dwell on this, do not indulge your melancholy, and for god's sake block her on Facebook.
posted by cyndigo at 10:43 AM on November 23, 2010

She chose a jerk over you and there's nothing you can do about it. I've been there and done that too. Unfortunately she is in totally illogical "But I luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuv him!" mode, and nothing sways that for a long time sometimes.

The good news is that if he's a SPECTACULAR jerk, maybe years from now she'll come to her senses about him. Unfortunately, now is not that time and you just have to well... shut her out of your life.

Now, however, all you can do is go cold turkey, avoid people/places/things that remind you of her as much as you can, and find distracting things to do in the car.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:13 PM on November 23, 2010