Don't usually do this.
November 20, 2010 8:25 AM Subscribe
Last night, I felt guilty about some fatty food I ate and threw up. What now?
I've been on an eating healthier/exercise kick, trying to shed the 20 or so pounds I gained over the last two years due to depression and not caring well for myself. I'm not what anyone would consider overweight, but just think of my body at its smaller size and want to get back there.
Last night I had some mac and cheese at a place I usually love as an occasional indulgence, and felt so guilty about it when I got home that I made myself throw up. I even drank some apple cider vinegar to help things along.
I don't think I'm bulimic, but I've had incidents of self harm from when my depression was more severe, and I feel like to some degree my mind is like, f it, now we do crazy things sometimes like self harm and throwing up. I definitely felt a lot calmer after,which is something I also felt after the self - harm (burning my skin with matches).
I emailed my therapist to let him know but I'm not going to see him until after Thanksgiving and I'm worried I will do this again. Is there anything I can do to stave off my anxiety over eating for the next few weeks until I get my next session in?
I've been on an eating healthier/exercise kick, trying to shed the 20 or so pounds I gained over the last two years due to depression and not caring well for myself. I'm not what anyone would consider overweight, but just think of my body at its smaller size and want to get back there.
Last night I had some mac and cheese at a place I usually love as an occasional indulgence, and felt so guilty about it when I got home that I made myself throw up. I even drank some apple cider vinegar to help things along.
I don't think I'm bulimic, but I've had incidents of self harm from when my depression was more severe, and I feel like to some degree my mind is like, f it, now we do crazy things sometimes like self harm and throwing up. I definitely felt a lot calmer after,which is something I also felt after the self - harm (burning my skin with matches).
I emailed my therapist to let him know but I'm not going to see him until after Thanksgiving and I'm worried I will do this again. Is there anything I can do to stave off my anxiety over eating for the next few weeks until I get my next session in?
Do you have a buddy - someone you can temporarily get "permission" from to do the thing you're anxious about, who you can promise you won't take (specific harmful actions) afterwards?
It's not an ideal solution, but it may be feasible for a short period of time. It helps a lot if the person has "been there," or if you similarly can give them permission to eat a piece of pie on occasion.
posted by SMPA at 8:47 AM on November 20, 2010
It's not an ideal solution, but it may be feasible for a short period of time. It helps a lot if the person has "been there," or if you similarly can give them permission to eat a piece of pie on occasion.
posted by SMPA at 8:47 AM on November 20, 2010
This is a horrible thing to go through even in the best of times, and I am sorry you are suffering. Everything, of course, is made worse about this happening the week before Gluttony Day. What you should do, I think, depends significantly on how you usually handle Thanksgiving.
1) Will you be visiting family and friends? Even if your answer was originally "..meh, maybe," DO. Even if you have to call up a friend and say, "I'm struggling, please let me spend the day with your family," do it. Surround yourself with people who are happy and caring, and concentrate on them so you can concentrate less on yourself. Right now, you need people in your life. I don't care if they're family or friends or colleagues, or what: reach out to people and keep them around as much as possible until your next therapy session.
2) Do you usually "bracket off" Thanksgiving from your diet? How you answer that question will have a major effect on what else you can/should do. If you normally say, "Eh, it's a holiday! It's okay to splurge this time!" then you may want to try to encourage that same sort of mentality... If you're around people. If you find yourself not able to follow my advice above, you should probably try to forget about having a special Thanksgiving meal -- accept the idea of spending it like any other day of the year. (Note: normally, I encourage people to avoid diet mentalities, but your case is different. I am concerned for you as someone who may self-harm. I couldn't care less about your diet, but I do care about how it relates to your likelihood to hurt yourself.)
3) Now is the perfect time to focus yourself as much as possible with hobbies. Have you done Christmas/OtherDecemberHolidays shopping? If not, by golly, now is the right time to do it! Is there some project you've been meaning to get to? Now is the time. Give yourself as little time as possible to think about food. Give yourself as little time to sit around and reflect. Make yourself be busybusybusy.
I think, right now, the trick is distraction. Distract yourself as much as possible until you can see a therapist and get a professional's advice. Take care.
posted by meese at 8:58 AM on November 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
1) Will you be visiting family and friends? Even if your answer was originally "..meh, maybe," DO. Even if you have to call up a friend and say, "I'm struggling, please let me spend the day with your family," do it. Surround yourself with people who are happy and caring, and concentrate on them so you can concentrate less on yourself. Right now, you need people in your life. I don't care if they're family or friends or colleagues, or what: reach out to people and keep them around as much as possible until your next therapy session.
2) Do you usually "bracket off" Thanksgiving from your diet? How you answer that question will have a major effect on what else you can/should do. If you normally say, "Eh, it's a holiday! It's okay to splurge this time!" then you may want to try to encourage that same sort of mentality... If you're around people. If you find yourself not able to follow my advice above, you should probably try to forget about having a special Thanksgiving meal -- accept the idea of spending it like any other day of the year. (Note: normally, I encourage people to avoid diet mentalities, but your case is different. I am concerned for you as someone who may self-harm. I couldn't care less about your diet, but I do care about how it relates to your likelihood to hurt yourself.)
3) Now is the perfect time to focus yourself as much as possible with hobbies. Have you done Christmas/OtherDecemberHolidays shopping? If not, by golly, now is the right time to do it! Is there some project you've been meaning to get to? Now is the time. Give yourself as little time as possible to think about food. Give yourself as little time to sit around and reflect. Make yourself be busybusybusy.
I think, right now, the trick is distraction. Distract yourself as much as possible until you can see a therapist and get a professional's advice. Take care.
posted by meese at 8:58 AM on November 20, 2010 [1 favorite]
Acknowledging the problem is the first step, etc. etc. If you threw up food because you felt guilty about eating it, that was a bulimic action, whether you consider yourself a bulimic or not. I'm not a smoker, but if I smoke a cigarette, even once a year, I'm still smoking...
Not to beat you up, and certainly this one action doesn't define or label you, just pointing out that you're falling into a pattern that you've been in before, even if it wasn't exactly this way.
IANAP, but my suggestion for "first-aid" until you can see your therapist is to give yourself permission to ease up a *little* on the diet and exercise. Most of us jump in (or back in) to such programs too suddenly and too severely, and it causes anxiety which is manifesting itself in your doing this, is my guess.
posted by randomkeystrike at 9:00 AM on November 20, 2010 [3 favorites]
Not to beat you up, and certainly this one action doesn't define or label you, just pointing out that you're falling into a pattern that you've been in before, even if it wasn't exactly this way.
IANAP, but my suggestion for "first-aid" until you can see your therapist is to give yourself permission to ease up a *little* on the diet and exercise. Most of us jump in (or back in) to such programs too suddenly and too severely, and it causes anxiety which is manifesting itself in your doing this, is my guess.
posted by randomkeystrike at 9:00 AM on November 20, 2010 [3 favorites]
Clearly your current approach to food isn't working for you mentally. At all. As it seems like you realise that it's very important to talk this out with your therapist -- which is really good.
So, how to stave off the pressure until then? Stop the diet. Avoid stepping on the scale. Don't pinch the soft bits that you want to get rid of. When you look in the mirror, admire the good bits. Eat healthy meals without obsessing about calories. Remind yourself that you are good enough, you are fabulous. Keep exercising, but do it to get that nice after exercise rush and because you want to be healthy. Focus on 'healthy' not 'thin'.
Basically, spend the next week focusing on things that will make you happy and healthy. What good is 'thin' if you're unhappy and unhealthy?
posted by brambory at 9:38 AM on November 20, 2010
So, how to stave off the pressure until then? Stop the diet. Avoid stepping on the scale. Don't pinch the soft bits that you want to get rid of. When you look in the mirror, admire the good bits. Eat healthy meals without obsessing about calories. Remind yourself that you are good enough, you are fabulous. Keep exercising, but do it to get that nice after exercise rush and because you want to be healthy. Focus on 'healthy' not 'thin'.
Basically, spend the next week focusing on things that will make you happy and healthy. What good is 'thin' if you're unhappy and unhealthy?
posted by brambory at 9:38 AM on November 20, 2010
Did throwing up made you feel calmer because you felt more "in control"? Are there other, safer ways for you to get that "in control" feeling? Here are some of the things I do to get it: I make lists, I make plans, I make charts in Excel, I talk out my feelings with a trusted friend, I clean something very thoroughly, I alphabetize things... perhaps there are things you can do to calm yourself that are similarly benign.
posted by prefpara at 9:53 AM on November 20, 2010
posted by prefpara at 9:53 AM on November 20, 2010
I really feel for you.
This is a very slippery slope, and I've been down it. I was never full-blown bulimic, but what started as a very occasional 'correction' turned in a 2-3 times a week habit.
What you really need to realize is that this is not really about food, it's about control. I would guess (IANAT) that following your struggle with depression, self harm and weight gain, your new healthy living plan is partly about you regaining a sense of control in your life, and your indulgence felt too out of control so you imposed control after the fact.
I wish I had more advice for you on how to stop it, but it is not that simple because you (like me) seem to know even as your doing it that it's not healthy. What you really need is to talk to your therapist, and to stop beating yourself up about the fact that it happened. Anxiety and guilt about throwing up just feed into the cycle, and, for me, made it more likely to happen again.
FWIW, my experience with this happened, as yours did, as I was regaining my footing after a period of significant depression with a corresponding 30lb weight gain. While I was recovering from the depression, it wasn't until I really addressed the underlying causes and made some necessary changes in my life that I stopped making myself throw up. Even since then, I have back-slid a few times.
But don't beat yourself up about this - you need to forgive yourself and let it go. And if you do it again before you can manage to see your therapist, remember that it's okay to make mistakes, and that this doesn't mean you're sliding back into some dark hole that you'll never get out of.
Me-mail me if you need to chat.
posted by scrute at 10:15 AM on November 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
This is a very slippery slope, and I've been down it. I was never full-blown bulimic, but what started as a very occasional 'correction' turned in a 2-3 times a week habit.
What you really need to realize is that this is not really about food, it's about control. I would guess (IANAT) that following your struggle with depression, self harm and weight gain, your new healthy living plan is partly about you regaining a sense of control in your life, and your indulgence felt too out of control so you imposed control after the fact.
I wish I had more advice for you on how to stop it, but it is not that simple because you (like me) seem to know even as your doing it that it's not healthy. What you really need is to talk to your therapist, and to stop beating yourself up about the fact that it happened. Anxiety and guilt about throwing up just feed into the cycle, and, for me, made it more likely to happen again.
FWIW, my experience with this happened, as yours did, as I was regaining my footing after a period of significant depression with a corresponding 30lb weight gain. While I was recovering from the depression, it wasn't until I really addressed the underlying causes and made some necessary changes in my life that I stopped making myself throw up. Even since then, I have back-slid a few times.
But don't beat yourself up about this - you need to forgive yourself and let it go. And if you do it again before you can manage to see your therapist, remember that it's okay to make mistakes, and that this doesn't mean you're sliding back into some dark hole that you'll never get out of.
Me-mail me if you need to chat.
posted by scrute at 10:15 AM on November 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
I don't know if you count calories or keep a food diary, but it might help. That way if you go over one day, instead of saying, "OMG get this out now!!" (which I understand--I feel that way, too), you can say, "Wow, that was delicious. Tomorrow I'll just have a small breakfast and/or a big salad for lunch and/or do an extra 30 minutes on the treadmill to make up for it."
I agree with the earlier suggestion to let the diet go for the week. I think if you temporarily shift your goal from losing to not gaining, you'll be able to relax a bit and enjoy the goodies you never eat the rest of the year.
posted by thinkingwoman at 12:00 PM on November 20, 2010
I agree with the earlier suggestion to let the diet go for the week. I think if you temporarily shift your goal from losing to not gaining, you'll be able to relax a bit and enjoy the goodies you never eat the rest of the year.
posted by thinkingwoman at 12:00 PM on November 20, 2010
Fatty foods are actually good for weight loss. It's the refined carbs (wheat, grains, sugars) and the refined vegetable oils you want to avoid. When I select my foods based on getting lots of butter, vegetables, (fatty) meats, fruits, and eggs I tend to consume a couple hundred calories under my maintenance without trying to control calories. I believe that most people can be a healthy weight and have excellent bloodwork without controlling calories if they are selecting mainly foods that we could have eaten 50,000 years ago, that we evolved with. I find it liberating, I hope you will too.
posted by Earl the Polliwog at 12:44 PM on November 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by Earl the Polliwog at 12:44 PM on November 20, 2010 [2 favorites]
One instance of throwing up a meal does not make you bulimic, so don't spend hours on end beating yourself up about your "new pathology" (from one who knows: I spend more time worrying about what being depressed means than actually being depressed). Just treat this like the huge alarm bell it is.
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 1:26 PM on November 20, 2010
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 1:26 PM on November 20, 2010
Disclaimer: I am/have been in recovery from an eating disorder for about 5 years now; I've had disordered eating since high school. I also self-harmed then.
I was never bulimic, but at one point when my anorexia was really picking up steam, I threw up once, too. Once. I meditated real hard about it, afterward, and somehow I decided in the midst of all the other fucked-up stuff I was doing to my body and my mind with the anorexia, I was not going to start doing that too. I resolved never to eat that particular food again (and I didn't, while I was actively anorexic), which seemed to help with that resolution. (I do now, though! Everything in moderation.)
This is just to say that it's possible to see this as a big wake-up call: there are things you're doing that are not jiving well with your mind/body image/heart. It's worth examining how you're handling your new "getting healthy" plan -- maybe with the help of your doctor and therapist -- and seeing if you can't maybe adjust some things there. Are you feeling deprived or out of control on your new healthy kick?
posted by fiercecupcake at 2:14 PM on November 20, 2010
I was never bulimic, but at one point when my anorexia was really picking up steam, I threw up once, too. Once. I meditated real hard about it, afterward, and somehow I decided in the midst of all the other fucked-up stuff I was doing to my body and my mind with the anorexia, I was not going to start doing that too. I resolved never to eat that particular food again (and I didn't, while I was actively anorexic), which seemed to help with that resolution. (I do now, though! Everything in moderation.)
This is just to say that it's possible to see this as a big wake-up call: there are things you're doing that are not jiving well with your mind/body image/heart. It's worth examining how you're handling your new "getting healthy" plan -- maybe with the help of your doctor and therapist -- and seeing if you can't maybe adjust some things there. Are you feeling deprived or out of control on your new healthy kick?
posted by fiercecupcake at 2:14 PM on November 20, 2010
Check yourself. How are you feeling lately? Do you feel loved and appreciated for who you are? Are you feeling insecure about the state of things in your life for one reason or another?
Keep in mind that this type of behavior tends to build upon itself until you gain more and more weight and feel less and less self worth. Throwing up your food will increase your hunger levels, slow your weight loss (and actually reverse it, if you keep it up), and be a huge mental blow to you every time you do it. Just being straight with you right now. Leaving that fatty food sitting in you stomach to keep you full and not cause your body to panic would have been a much better course of action for weight loss. I speak from experience. Thankfully, I shed 30 lbs when I stopped being self-destructive. It's been a year long (coming up on 2 years) journey to my weight loss goal, and to self acceptance, ultimately.
Talk to your therapist. Remember that no food is off limits, and that with each meal, you're starting anew. You can't gain a pound from one meal, or even one day of eating. It weeks and even months to alter your weight significantly. Think long term.
It also really helps to surround yourself with people who genuinely don't care about that stuff, or are at least feel called to center themselves around something greater. For me, it was a religious community that turned things around. My friends keep me sane. They couldn't care less about my makeup, my clothing, my mistakes... look around you and see if you feel supported, loved, and not judged by the men and women in your social circle. You might find that you lose weight without thinking about it when you are focused on other things, and other people. Hope that didn't sound preachy. Just sharing with you what I know. :)
posted by sunnychef88 at 2:25 PM on November 20, 2010
Keep in mind that this type of behavior tends to build upon itself until you gain more and more weight and feel less and less self worth. Throwing up your food will increase your hunger levels, slow your weight loss (and actually reverse it, if you keep it up), and be a huge mental blow to you every time you do it. Just being straight with you right now. Leaving that fatty food sitting in you stomach to keep you full and not cause your body to panic would have been a much better course of action for weight loss. I speak from experience. Thankfully, I shed 30 lbs when I stopped being self-destructive. It's been a year long (coming up on 2 years) journey to my weight loss goal, and to self acceptance, ultimately.
Talk to your therapist. Remember that no food is off limits, and that with each meal, you're starting anew. You can't gain a pound from one meal, or even one day of eating. It weeks and even months to alter your weight significantly. Think long term.
It also really helps to surround yourself with people who genuinely don't care about that stuff, or are at least feel called to center themselves around something greater. For me, it was a religious community that turned things around. My friends keep me sane. They couldn't care less about my makeup, my clothing, my mistakes... look around you and see if you feel supported, loved, and not judged by the men and women in your social circle. You might find that you lose weight without thinking about it when you are focused on other things, and other people. Hope that didn't sound preachy. Just sharing with you what I know. :)
posted by sunnychef88 at 2:25 PM on November 20, 2010
Throwing up food on purpose is a disordered behavior. Does that mean you have an eating disorder? Or that you have the specific eating disorder of bulimia? Probably not. But it does mean that you need to keep looking at your relationship with food, and with self-harm.
I think "I felt calmer after engaging in self-harm practices" is a really strong message that you need to listen to. I know a lot of people who cycle between disordered eating and other forms of self-injury, so please be careful and be kind to yourself.
And don't diet. Dieting is the worst way in the world to change your weight and physique. Making sustainable changes to your food choices--over time, as sunnychef88 says!--and exercise patterns are the only ways to achieve lasting change. Putting too much emphasis on any one choice or one meal is a guaranteed recipe for self-sabotage.
posted by Sidhedevil at 3:21 PM on November 20, 2010
I think "I felt calmer after engaging in self-harm practices" is a really strong message that you need to listen to. I know a lot of people who cycle between disordered eating and other forms of self-injury, so please be careful and be kind to yourself.
And don't diet. Dieting is the worst way in the world to change your weight and physique. Making sustainable changes to your food choices--over time, as sunnychef88 says!--and exercise patterns are the only ways to achieve lasting change. Putting too much emphasis on any one choice or one meal is a guaranteed recipe for self-sabotage.
posted by Sidhedevil at 3:21 PM on November 20, 2010
Mod note: From the OP:
Thanks all for your thoughtful comments. I have been doing better and much less anxious about this since it happened -- in a way I think making myself throw up helped because I realized I was obsessing to a crazy unhealthy point and needed to pull back. Last night I went to a dinner party and paced myself, didn't drink or eat too much and it felt easier and I was much more relaxed about it. I will absolutely address this with my therapist after the holiday. Many thanks, these responses were important to me.posted by jessamyn (staff) at 11:21 AM on November 21, 2010
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Please don't let yourself overemphasize the effects of one meal, or any meal.
posted by jangie at 8:39 AM on November 20, 2010 [1 favorite]