Boy meets girl again, still too shy
November 10, 2010 5:46 PM Subscribe
Met a girl I had a crush on again. We kinda set up a date, and then she didn't show up. Problem: we didn't exchange phone numbers. Found out her email adress, but no idea what to write to her/how to set up another date.
This is a follow-up to my last thread.
From that thread I took the following advice:
-she might or might not be interested in me
-read David Burns
-take it as a first lesson for this whole dating thing, but don't stalk her/get phone number next time
So I basically tried to forget her....
Until she was suddenly standing in front of me 1.5 weeks ago. I was completely baffled.
Some background info: I was volunteering at a culture centre (during a weekend-long punk concert marathon/punk festival), the same that provided the kitchen for the festival at which we first met this summer. On that same day there was a weeding event at the next years festival site (organic farmer, so he can't spray herbicides, and helping him weed the acre was part of the deal). Somebody at the weeding event mentioned the punk concert marathon.
We stayed together the whole evening, watched a film together (an interesting documentary about someone who suddenly found himself to be the head of a left-wing 'terror organization'), hanged out at the bar and talked. She was there for about 4-5 hours, and the whole time except for maybe a total of 10 minutes we stayed within 0.5m of each other. On the beginning of the evening we stayed at this distance, by the end we'd fit in a circle with this diameter. During our conversation I found out she has never been drunk in her life. I jokingly suggested a tequila drinking contest right there (we stayed at 1 shot). She declined, told me she'd only do such a thing in the comfort of her home where she wouldn't have a long way to go to sleep if it became to much... and well, basically invited me to come to her apartment some time and conduct this 'empirical study' I proposed (although she said 'we' could come to her house, and there was only one me there). I felt a lot of mutual attraction, but at the same time a lot of coy, non-committal stuff like this 'we' that didn't make any sense - like two uber-shy nerds who can't get over their shyness and admit the basic fact that they like each other. Which I really do. Just looking at her, smiling, not saying a word, she smiling back, feeling a lot of affection, and then being to shy to ask her phone number.
I was pretty nervous the whole time (as I said, I was totally unprepared for this). But before she left she iterated at least two times how she enjoyed the evening - and I can't imagine it was because of the insanely loud concert or all the drunk punks. Of course I didn't get it at first when she said she enjoyed the evening, so I missed a good chance to express my feelings toward her.
She said she'd be back at the culture centre next week, I asked her if there was anything special going on next week, which she denied (of course I later found at there was yet _another_ HC Punk concert). I also checked double with her that she really was coming next Friday. But of course I was STILL too shy to ask about her phone number. And also too shy to give a clear response like 'I too enjoyed spending this evening with _you_'
And well, the next Friday, she didn't come. I was devastated.
But in hindsight, this was kinda unavoidable. PHONE NUMBER. GOOD FOR CONTACTING PEOPLE IF SOMETHING UNEXPECTED HAPPENS. And yes, I know, 'get her phone number' was said several times in my last thread. I probably see her in two weeks, at the party for all the helpers of this summers festival. But I want to see her again this weekend. I already got her email. And no idea what to write exactly. If I said 'I missed you last weekend', that might come off as 'why weren't you there?'. If I don't mention her not showing up it would be weird too. I look for the fine line between saying that I was sad not seeing her last weekend and not coming off as offended. Also I don't know what exactly happened, and the last thing I want is that she is too embarrassed to write me back. I also have to ask her something specific we could do... there would be another non-HC punk concert this Saturday, or I could suggest going to the cinema.
I admire it a lot that she had the ladyballs coming to a punk festival on the off-chance I might be there too (in case this hasn't been clear, we both don't like HC punk). I feel like the ball is in my court now, but... panic? No idea how to proceed?
tl;dr:
-what to write in the email
-how to stop hiding behind this wall of non-committal statements and start showing I like her
-any other thoughts you have for this dating newbie
This is a follow-up to my last thread.
From that thread I took the following advice:
-she might or might not be interested in me
-read David Burns
-take it as a first lesson for this whole dating thing, but don't stalk her/get phone number next time
So I basically tried to forget her....
Until she was suddenly standing in front of me 1.5 weeks ago. I was completely baffled.
Some background info: I was volunteering at a culture centre (during a weekend-long punk concert marathon/punk festival), the same that provided the kitchen for the festival at which we first met this summer. On that same day there was a weeding event at the next years festival site (organic farmer, so he can't spray herbicides, and helping him weed the acre was part of the deal). Somebody at the weeding event mentioned the punk concert marathon.
We stayed together the whole evening, watched a film together (an interesting documentary about someone who suddenly found himself to be the head of a left-wing 'terror organization'), hanged out at the bar and talked. She was there for about 4-5 hours, and the whole time except for maybe a total of 10 minutes we stayed within 0.5m of each other. On the beginning of the evening we stayed at this distance, by the end we'd fit in a circle with this diameter. During our conversation I found out she has never been drunk in her life. I jokingly suggested a tequila drinking contest right there (we stayed at 1 shot). She declined, told me she'd only do such a thing in the comfort of her home where she wouldn't have a long way to go to sleep if it became to much... and well, basically invited me to come to her apartment some time and conduct this 'empirical study' I proposed (although she said 'we' could come to her house, and there was only one me there). I felt a lot of mutual attraction, but at the same time a lot of coy, non-committal stuff like this 'we' that didn't make any sense - like two uber-shy nerds who can't get over their shyness and admit the basic fact that they like each other. Which I really do. Just looking at her, smiling, not saying a word, she smiling back, feeling a lot of affection, and then being to shy to ask her phone number.
I was pretty nervous the whole time (as I said, I was totally unprepared for this). But before she left she iterated at least two times how she enjoyed the evening - and I can't imagine it was because of the insanely loud concert or all the drunk punks. Of course I didn't get it at first when she said she enjoyed the evening, so I missed a good chance to express my feelings toward her.
She said she'd be back at the culture centre next week, I asked her if there was anything special going on next week, which she denied (of course I later found at there was yet _another_ HC Punk concert). I also checked double with her that she really was coming next Friday. But of course I was STILL too shy to ask about her phone number. And also too shy to give a clear response like 'I too enjoyed spending this evening with _you_'
And well, the next Friday, she didn't come. I was devastated.
But in hindsight, this was kinda unavoidable. PHONE NUMBER. GOOD FOR CONTACTING PEOPLE IF SOMETHING UNEXPECTED HAPPENS. And yes, I know, 'get her phone number' was said several times in my last thread. I probably see her in two weeks, at the party for all the helpers of this summers festival. But I want to see her again this weekend. I already got her email. And no idea what to write exactly. If I said 'I missed you last weekend', that might come off as 'why weren't you there?'. If I don't mention her not showing up it would be weird too. I look for the fine line between saying that I was sad not seeing her last weekend and not coming off as offended. Also I don't know what exactly happened, and the last thing I want is that she is too embarrassed to write me back. I also have to ask her something specific we could do... there would be another non-HC punk concert this Saturday, or I could suggest going to the cinema.
I admire it a lot that she had the ladyballs coming to a punk festival on the off-chance I might be there too (in case this hasn't been clear, we both don't like HC punk). I feel like the ball is in my court now, but... panic? No idea how to proceed?
tl;dr:
-what to write in the email
-how to stop hiding behind this wall of non-committal statements and start showing I like her
-any other thoughts you have for this dating newbie
You did not set up a date. You both talked about probably being in the same geographic location at the same time. You didn't make plans to get dinner together before Friday's concert, or to go for a drink afterward. You both said that you'd be at the concert. That is not a date.
This is good: it means she didn't stand you up.
What you do now is ask her on a date. E-mail her and say, "Hey, I missed you at the concert on Friday. Can I have your phone number?" And when she sends you the number, call it and say, "Hi. Would you like to have coffee with me next Saturday before the [event you're both likely to go to]?" or, if there's no event coming up, then "Hi. There's a [concert/festival/organic farm weeding party] next Saturday that I think you'd like. Want to be my date?"
It's scary, I know. I totally, totally know. But she's given you enough hints that if you ask her out, she's likely to say yes. You won't get that yes if you don't ask her out. And saying, "Are you going to be at such-and-such event?" isn't asking her on a date.
posted by Meg_Murry at 5:59 PM on November 10, 2010 [16 favorites]
This is good: it means she didn't stand you up.
What you do now is ask her on a date. E-mail her and say, "Hey, I missed you at the concert on Friday. Can I have your phone number?" And when she sends you the number, call it and say, "Hi. Would you like to have coffee with me next Saturday before the [event you're both likely to go to]?" or, if there's no event coming up, then "Hi. There's a [concert/festival/organic farm weeding party] next Saturday that I think you'd like. Want to be my date?"
It's scary, I know. I totally, totally know. But she's given you enough hints that if you ask her out, she's likely to say yes. You won't get that yes if you don't ask her out. And saying, "Are you going to be at such-and-such event?" isn't asking her on a date.
posted by Meg_Murry at 5:59 PM on November 10, 2010 [16 favorites]
Hi,
Sorry we didn't meet up. I realized I didn't have your phone number and you didn't have mine. So, I am sending you a map for where to find me on this day next week. This is halfway between my house and where I met you. It will be a dinner you will remember for the rest of your life.
Sincerely,
Me.
posted by parmanparman at 5:59 PM on November 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
Sorry we didn't meet up. I realized I didn't have your phone number and you didn't have mine. So, I am sending you a map for where to find me on this day next week. This is halfway between my house and where I met you. It will be a dinner you will remember for the rest of your life.
Sincerely,
Me.
posted by parmanparman at 5:59 PM on November 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
Follow-up question, based on your previous Ask Mefi Q: Did she give you her e-mail address or did you find it?
posted by supercres at 6:02 PM on November 10, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by supercres at 6:02 PM on November 10, 2010 [2 favorites]
Please just ask her out. Seriously. You're just not being clear. Don't be upset she didn't go to the event on Friday. It wasn't a plan, it was an "I'll see you if I see you."
Email her. Tell her you'd like to hang out— not at festival, cultural event, or volunteer opportunity you two might happen to be attending at the same time. Just you two, dinner at 7, drinks at 9.
For pete's sake, do not over think this. Just do it.
posted by functionequalsform at 6:04 PM on November 10, 2010 [4 favorites]
Email her. Tell her you'd like to hang out— not at festival, cultural event, or volunteer opportunity you two might happen to be attending at the same time. Just you two, dinner at 7, drinks at 9.
For pete's sake, do not over think this. Just do it.
posted by functionequalsform at 6:04 PM on November 10, 2010 [4 favorites]
If she did not actually give you her e-mail address, do not write her. That is creepy. Wait until you see her in two weeks and ASK FOR HER NUMBER.
If she DID give you her e-mail address, then don't mention missing her last week. Just ask her out. Be specific, not "do you want to do X sometime?" Name an activity and a time.
posted by elsietheeel at 6:11 PM on November 10, 2010 [6 favorites]
If she DID give you her e-mail address, then don't mention missing her last week. Just ask her out. Be specific, not "do you want to do X sometime?" Name an activity and a time.
posted by elsietheeel at 6:11 PM on November 10, 2010 [6 favorites]
She declined, told me she'd only do such a thing in the comfort of her home where she wouldn't have a long way to go to sleep if it became to much... and well, basically invited me to come to her apartment some time and conduct this 'empirical study' I proposed (although she said 'we' could come to her house, and there was only one me there).
Dude, please, just ask this poor girl out. She just threw a huge opening right in your face and you dropped the ball. She likes you. Heck, she probably likes you more than you like her. This is a done deal, just ask her out one-on-one to dinner, a movie, or some cultural thing you'd both like. Then pay for her and offer her your jacket if it gets cold or something. The coyness is her telling you she likes you but she's not going to make it as easy for you as hand-holding and walking you through it. She'll say yes, just send the email. DO IT. HIT SEND.
posted by Nixy at 6:16 PM on November 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
Dude, please, just ask this poor girl out. She just threw a huge opening right in your face and you dropped the ball. She likes you. Heck, she probably likes you more than you like her. This is a done deal, just ask her out one-on-one to dinner, a movie, or some cultural thing you'd both like. Then pay for her and offer her your jacket if it gets cold or something. The coyness is her telling you she likes you but she's not going to make it as easy for you as hand-holding and walking you through it. She'll say yes, just send the email. DO IT. HIT SEND.
posted by Nixy at 6:16 PM on November 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
Email:
Hey!
It was great seeing you last week, and I'd love to do it again - are you busy on ___day? There's a band/restaurant/art show/circus/whatever that I want to check out, and it'd be cool to have you along. I don't want to have to wait two weeks to see you again ;)
See ya,
you.
PS- I got your email from *mutual friend* - I'm kicking myself that I didn't get your number last time!
posted by twirlypen at 6:34 PM on November 10, 2010 [4 favorites]
Hey!
It was great seeing you last week, and I'd love to do it again - are you busy on ___day? There's a band/restaurant/art show/circus/whatever that I want to check out, and it'd be cool to have you along. I don't want to have to wait two weeks to see you again ;)
See ya,
you.
PS- I got your email from *mutual friend* - I'm kicking myself that I didn't get your number last time!
posted by twirlypen at 6:34 PM on November 10, 2010 [4 favorites]
Forget the email and move on. You had every opportunity to ask for her number and you didn't. Learn from this for the other women you'll meet.
posted by zenm at 6:43 PM on November 10, 2010
posted by zenm at 6:43 PM on November 10, 2010
I missed a good chance to express my feelings toward her.
You missed sensibly. She will seek you out if she's interested, sounds like she likes your company, so at the bare minimum you have anew cool friend. Concentrate on that.
By all means email her, but you're far better off hanging back and being cool.
Two important things:
1) Don't creep her out
2) Don't act like a lovelorn twat while you are around her, that usually leads to 1) Don't creep her out
If you do email her, don't write "I don't want to have to wait two weeks to see you again ;)" the rest of the template is fine.
posted by the noob at 7:02 PM on November 10, 2010
You missed sensibly. She will seek you out if she's interested, sounds like she likes your company, so at the bare minimum you have anew cool friend. Concentrate on that.
By all means email her, but you're far better off hanging back and being cool.
Two important things:
1) Don't creep her out
2) Don't act like a lovelorn twat while you are around her, that usually leads to 1) Don't creep her out
If you do email her, don't write "I don't want to have to wait two weeks to see you again ;)" the rest of the template is fine.
posted by the noob at 7:02 PM on November 10, 2010
I'm also in the don't-email-her-camp. It is becoming a little more acceptable in our generation (along with texting) but it is still considered by some to show lack of confidence. About the only time you should ever email/text someone you are interested in for a first date is if you know that both you won't run into them and they prefer text/email to phone for some reason.
Try and arrange to "accidentally" run into her at some point in time and ask her out on a real date.
You need to be assertive and aggressive, email is neither of those things.
posted by _DB_ at 8:36 PM on November 10, 2010
Try and arrange to "accidentally" run into her at some point in time and ask her out on a real date.
You need to be assertive and aggressive, email is neither of those things.
posted by _DB_ at 8:36 PM on November 10, 2010
"...Both destiny's kisses and its dove-slaps illustrate an individual person's basic personal powerlessness over the really meaningful events in his life: i.e. almost nothing important that ever happens to you happens because you engineer it. Destiny has no beeper; destiny always leans trenchcoated out of an alley with some sort of Psst that you usually can''t even hear because you're in such a rush to or from something that you're trying to engineer." -- David Foster Wallace, Infinite Jest, p.291, 1st ed.
If she didn't give you the email addy, DON'T USE IT. When you see her again, then ask her. And if you don't see her again, learn the lesson: answer when opportunity knocks. And if you do see her again, learn the lesson: answer when opportunity knocks.
posted by Capt. Renault at 8:39 PM on November 10, 2010
If she didn't give you the email addy, DON'T USE IT. When you see her again, then ask her. And if you don't see her again, learn the lesson: answer when opportunity knocks. And if you do see her again, learn the lesson: answer when opportunity knocks.
posted by Capt. Renault at 8:39 PM on November 10, 2010
Thinking way too much, acting way too little. Assuming (as Capt Renault mentions) that you got the email address from her, just drop a quick note:
"Hey, I went back to the center last Friday for the next HC Punk show, and it's too bad I didn't run into you there -- turns out the fun I had the week before was because of you, not the show. Holler if you'd like to join me for [some upcoming show], and send me your phone number if you'd like me to ask you out with words instead of text."
Believe me, after that, you'll know what's up, for better or worse (hopefully better, and if worse, you can move on to the next one -- nobody bats a thousand!)
posted by davejay at 9:25 PM on November 10, 2010 [2 favorites]
"Hey, I went back to the center last Friday for the next HC Punk show, and it's too bad I didn't run into you there -- turns out the fun I had the week before was because of you, not the show. Holler if you'd like to join me for [some upcoming show], and send me your phone number if you'd like me to ask you out with words instead of text."
Believe me, after that, you'll know what's up, for better or worse (hopefully better, and if worse, you can move on to the next one -- nobody bats a thousand!)
posted by davejay at 9:25 PM on November 10, 2010 [2 favorites]
Email's cool, unless you got it by breaking into her personnel file. (Don't do that.)
Write something like:
"Hey [name],
Susan gave me your email. [translation: I am not a creepy stalker, at least according to Susan] I really enjoyed hanging out with you the other week. Would you like to go to XYZ concert Friday night/drink tequila at this awesome bar this weekend/[fill in activity and day/time here]?
My number is 123-123-1234. [Add one joking but not self-deprecatory reference to the awesome time you guys had when you were hanging out.]
your name"
Easy peasy. But this assumes that you got the email in a non-stalkery way, and that you couldn't get her phone number in that same non-stalkery way, and that you are willing to risk rejection. Seriously, I think you should do it, and I predict that you get a date out of it.
posted by Forktine at 9:29 PM on November 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
Write something like:
"Hey [name],
Susan gave me your email. [translation: I am not a creepy stalker, at least according to Susan] I really enjoyed hanging out with you the other week. Would you like to go to XYZ concert Friday night/drink tequila at this awesome bar this weekend/[fill in activity and day/time here]?
My number is 123-123-1234. [Add one joking but not self-deprecatory reference to the awesome time you guys had when you were hanging out.]
your name"
Easy peasy. But this assumes that you got the email in a non-stalkery way, and that you couldn't get her phone number in that same non-stalkery way, and that you are willing to risk rejection. Seriously, I think you should do it, and I predict that you get a date out of it.
posted by Forktine at 9:29 PM on November 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: To clear it up: did not get her email directly from her, asked the dude who sent out the invitations to the weeding/helper get-together. Clearly said to him why I wanted the email address (we and agreed to meet, didn't show up, got no phone nr/email)
posted by roerek at 9:39 PM on November 10, 2010
posted by roerek at 9:39 PM on November 10, 2010
Jeeze, dude, you get completely worked up over minor stuff. I know this because you put way more info that has nothing to do with anything in this question (er, organic farmer?). If you're going to live through this, you need to learn to chill out and stop trying to divine your future from the distance you stand from someone. Or whether they use the word "we" in referring to a mutual actviity that YOU and SHE could do together.
Send her an email if you want, there's lots of straightforward suggestions above. I don't think it's weird for people to get email out of the blue in this day and age. And then please make an effort to take all your future interactions with her at face value instead of analysing them to bits. Getting yourself all worked up over minutia is a sure way to confuse communication. It seems like you have missed the big takeaway from your interaction- that she invited you to her house for a drink!- because you were hung up on the word "we".
posted by oneirodynia at 9:40 PM on November 10, 2010 [3 favorites]
Send her an email if you want, there's lots of straightforward suggestions above. I don't think it's weird for people to get email out of the blue in this day and age. And then please make an effort to take all your future interactions with her at face value instead of analysing them to bits. Getting yourself all worked up over minutia is a sure way to confuse communication. It seems like you have missed the big takeaway from your interaction- that she invited you to her house for a drink!- because you were hung up on the word "we".
posted by oneirodynia at 9:40 PM on November 10, 2010 [3 favorites]
I 2nd this advice
Please just ask her out. Seriously. You're just not being clear. Don't be upset she didn't go to the event on Friday. It wasn't a plan, it was an "I'll see you if I see you."
Email her. Tell her you'd like to hang out— not at festival, cultural event, or volunteer opportunity you two might happen to be attending at the same time. Just you two, dinner at 7, drinks at 9.
For pete's sake, do not over think this. Just do it.
Fortune favors the bold. Go for it.
posted by FunGus at 9:54 PM on November 10, 2010
Please just ask her out. Seriously. You're just not being clear. Don't be upset she didn't go to the event on Friday. It wasn't a plan, it was an "I'll see you if I see you."
Email her. Tell her you'd like to hang out— not at festival, cultural event, or volunteer opportunity you two might happen to be attending at the same time. Just you two, dinner at 7, drinks at 9.
For pete's sake, do not over think this. Just do it.
Fortune favors the bold. Go for it.
posted by FunGus at 9:54 PM on November 10, 2010
To clear it up: did not get her email directly from her, asked the dude who sent out the invitations to the weeding/helper get-together. Clearly said to him why I wanted the email address (we and agreed to meet, didn't show up, got no phone nr/email)
This is not creepy. You're in a group activity together and are invited to the same events, it's totally resonable. For God's sake man just HIT SEND ALREADY.
...DID YOU SEND IT YET?
posted by Nixy at 9:58 PM on November 10, 2010 [3 favorites]
This is not creepy. You're in a group activity together and are invited to the same events, it's totally resonable. For God's sake man just HIT SEND ALREADY.
...DID YOU SEND IT YET?
posted by Nixy at 9:58 PM on November 10, 2010 [3 favorites]
did not get her email directly from her, asked the dude who sent out the invitations to the weeding/helper get-together.
OK, that's a bit creepy-stalky. Is there any way you could reverse-engineer a clever bit of detective work to "discover" the email address instead? (eg she might be her-name@her-school.edu or something?) - and then pretend that you just worked it out for yourself?
Alternately, if the original invitation wasn't sent to a "bcc" list, how about just reply-all with "Yourname - are you there? It's roerek!" and take it from there if she responds.
posted by UbuRoivas at 9:59 PM on November 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
OK, that's a bit creepy-stalky. Is there any way you could reverse-engineer a clever bit of detective work to "discover" the email address instead? (eg she might be her-name@her-school.edu or something?) - and then pretend that you just worked it out for yourself?
Alternately, if the original invitation wasn't sent to a "bcc" list, how about just reply-all with "Yourname - are you there? It's roerek!" and take it from there if she responds.
posted by UbuRoivas at 9:59 PM on November 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
OK, that's a bit creepy-stalky. Is there any way you could reverse-engineer a clever bit of detective work to "discover" the email address instead? (eg she might be her-name@her-school.edu or something?) - and then pretend that you just worked it out for yourself?
I totally disagree. "I got your email from Bob" is normal and not weird. "I reverse engineered your school's email addresses and then spent half an hour on Google testing combinations until I found your Facebook page" is totally creepy.
Seriously, man up and hit send. Then stop obsessing and go do something fun so you'll have something to talk about when you see her next.
posted by Forktine at 10:10 PM on November 10, 2010 [6 favorites]
I totally disagree. "I got your email from Bob" is normal and not weird. "I reverse engineered your school's email addresses and then spent half an hour on Google testing combinations until I found your Facebook page" is totally creepy.
Seriously, man up and hit send. Then stop obsessing and go do something fun so you'll have something to talk about when you see her next.
posted by Forktine at 10:10 PM on November 10, 2010 [6 favorites]
OK, that's a bit creepy-stalky. Is there any way you could reverse-engineer a clever bit of detective work to "discover" the email address instead? (eg she might be her-name@her-school.edu or something?) - and then pretend that you just worked it out for yourself?
Alternately, if the original invitation wasn't sent to a "bcc" list, how about just reply-all with "Yourname - are you there? It's roerek!" and take it from there if she responds.
This sort of obvious anxiety and self-conciousness about having her email will make it look worse. Just be confident, oh hey, you asked Jake for the email because you forgot to get her number and he gave it to you. Why wouldn't he? Nothing weird or dishonest about the whole thing and you have aquaintances in common. If anything it's flattering. Just be confident. You're only in remotely creepy territory if you send her another email if she fails to respond, or you drive by her house or something. You're fine.
posted by Nixy at 10:14 PM on November 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
Alternately, if the original invitation wasn't sent to a "bcc" list, how about just reply-all with "Yourname - are you there? It's roerek!" and take it from there if she responds.
This sort of obvious anxiety and self-conciousness about having her email will make it look worse. Just be confident, oh hey, you asked Jake for the email because you forgot to get her number and he gave it to you. Why wouldn't he? Nothing weird or dishonest about the whole thing and you have aquaintances in common. If anything it's flattering. Just be confident. You're only in remotely creepy territory if you send her another email if she fails to respond, or you drive by her house or something. You're fine.
posted by Nixy at 10:14 PM on November 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
I totally disagree. "I got your email from Bob" is normal and not weird.
If (and only if) Bob is some kind of mutual friend, not just Some Guy who was organising some event with potentially hundreds of email subscribers. *That* is actually a breach of privacy & he shouldn't do that kind of shit unless he knows first that it would be OK with her.
"I reverse engineered your school's email addresses and then spent half an hour on Google testing combinations until I found your Facebook page" is totally creepy.
OK, that *is* dodgy, but it's the only way I could imagine that using the email address provided by 'Bob' could ever be even close to legit.
What I was thinking was more along the lines of "I didn't have your email address, but I noticed there was a Jane.Doe@example.com in one of the mailouts & guessed it must be you..."
But hey, that's just my opinion. You (roerek) and your crush sound like you're young & would have a better idea of what is or isn't considered stalky these days, regarding emails & such.
posted by UbuRoivas at 10:23 PM on November 10, 2010
If (and only if) Bob is some kind of mutual friend, not just Some Guy who was organising some event with potentially hundreds of email subscribers. *That* is actually a breach of privacy & he shouldn't do that kind of shit unless he knows first that it would be OK with her.
"I reverse engineered your school's email addresses and then spent half an hour on Google testing combinations until I found your Facebook page" is totally creepy.
OK, that *is* dodgy, but it's the only way I could imagine that using the email address provided by 'Bob' could ever be even close to legit.
What I was thinking was more along the lines of "I didn't have your email address, but I noticed there was a Jane.Doe@example.com in one of the mailouts & guessed it must be you..."
But hey, that's just my opinion. You (roerek) and your crush sound like you're young & would have a better idea of what is or isn't considered stalky these days, regarding emails & such.
posted by UbuRoivas at 10:23 PM on November 10, 2010
OK, that's a bit creepy-stalky. Is there any way you could reverse-engineer a clever bit of detective work to "discover" the email address instead? (eg she might be her-name@her-school.edu or something?) - and then pretend that you just worked it out for yourself?
As a woman who really hates creepy stalkers the first scenario would not bother me at all, the second one would have me running to the store for a can of Mace. Friends and acquaintances make introductions when they think you might get along with someone, that's totally normal. It doesn't always work out but as long as you're upfront about how you got her contact info and are willing to take no for an answer it's completely within The Rules. of polite society
posted by fshgrl at 10:48 PM on November 10, 2010
As a woman who really hates creepy stalkers the first scenario would not bother me at all, the second one would have me running to the store for a can of Mace. Friends and acquaintances make introductions when they think you might get along with someone, that's totally normal. It doesn't always work out but as long as you're upfront about how you got her contact info and are willing to take no for an answer it's completely within The Rules. of polite society
posted by fshgrl at 10:48 PM on November 10, 2010
OK, I'm obviously in the minority on this one. To lay out my assumptions, I've been to festivals that include working bees to restore the land they were on, and never have those working bees been organised by "friends or acquaintances", and the people working on them are - for all intents & purposes - complete strangers to each other & strangers to the organisers. On top of that, there are dozens if not hundreds of participants, so it's a kind of crowdsourcing event.
In my assumption, crushgirl does not really know "Bob", they are not close friends, and "Bob" does not have any right to give out her contact details. As such, they should not be used, end of story.
Speaking for myself, if a third party (who was just some kind of administrative functionary) gave out my contact details on request without clearing it with me first, I'd be so righteously pissed off at that third party & at the person probing for my personal details that I'd pretty much veto any further interaction with either of them. Especially if I was sitting on the fence regarding my "stalker". Unless they were super-hot & we had awesome chemistry. But mostly I'd be pissed off. This does not sound to me like a trusted friend helping set up two friends he knows will hit it off. Maybe it is, but not according to the information provided. It sounds more like a stranger overstepping his responsibility, so I'd advise treading with caution.
(maybe I just have this privacy thing ass-backwards, because I *assume* that people can & will google & that everybody just knows that, but disclosure of data given in confidence is a major no-no. anyway, I'll really butt out now; I've said my piece)
posted by UbuRoivas at 11:27 PM on November 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
In my assumption, crushgirl does not really know "Bob", they are not close friends, and "Bob" does not have any right to give out her contact details. As such, they should not be used, end of story.
Speaking for myself, if a third party (who was just some kind of administrative functionary) gave out my contact details on request without clearing it with me first, I'd be so righteously pissed off at that third party & at the person probing for my personal details that I'd pretty much veto any further interaction with either of them. Especially if I was sitting on the fence regarding my "stalker". Unless they were super-hot & we had awesome chemistry. But mostly I'd be pissed off. This does not sound to me like a trusted friend helping set up two friends he knows will hit it off. Maybe it is, but not according to the information provided. It sounds more like a stranger overstepping his responsibility, so I'd advise treading with caution.
(maybe I just have this privacy thing ass-backwards, because I *assume* that people can & will google & that everybody just knows that, but disclosure of data given in confidence is a major no-no. anyway, I'll really butt out now; I've said my piece)
posted by UbuRoivas at 11:27 PM on November 10, 2010 [1 favorite]
disclosure of data given in confidence is a major no-no
Agreed. There are people (and I'm one of them) who would be pissed off that you got my info this way.
I'd say to be safe if you think it's really likely you're going to see her soonish, wait until then and then get her number.
If you don't see her at this event, chalk it up to a learning experience that you WILL get digits the next time something like this happens.
posted by dzaz at 6:02 AM on November 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Agreed. There are people (and I'm one of them) who would be pissed off that you got my info this way.
I'd say to be safe if you think it's really likely you're going to see her soonish, wait until then and then get her number.
If you don't see her at this event, chalk it up to a learning experience that you WILL get digits the next time something like this happens.
posted by dzaz at 6:02 AM on November 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Do not go to the cinema during your first few dates. Going somewhere where you have an excuse to not talk for 3 hours seems like a bad move for 2 shy people. Drinks or dinner.
posted by IanMorr at 6:54 AM on November 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by IanMorr at 6:54 AM on November 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
If you're worried about seeming creepy for getting her email address from someone else, just look her up on facebook, send her a friend request, and then contact her through the site. Hell, that's what facebook is for.
posted by Ragged Richard at 8:12 AM on November 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by Ragged Richard at 8:12 AM on November 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
Best answer: For the love of god, stop thinking and start asking her out.
posted by mippy at 8:36 AM on November 11, 2010 [5 favorites]
posted by mippy at 8:36 AM on November 11, 2010 [5 favorites]
And then come back and tell us about it!!!
posted by cyndigo at 9:33 AM on November 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by cyndigo at 9:33 AM on November 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: So far we had a couple of dates :)
I know that she likes going out with me, and we had our first kiss (cheeks, but still awesome ;)). But as mentioned before, she's also extremely shy. Another AskMefi question will probably follow soon...
About the data confidentiality: it's a really small group of people, less than 20. I would've gotten her email a week later, because the invitation for the get-together was CC'ed to everybody.
posted by roerek at 3:37 AM on December 18, 2010
I know that she likes going out with me, and we had our first kiss (cheeks, but still awesome ;)). But as mentioned before, she's also extremely shy. Another AskMefi question will probably follow soon...
About the data confidentiality: it's a really small group of people, less than 20. I would've gotten her email a week later, because the invitation for the get-together was CC'ed to everybody.
posted by roerek at 3:37 AM on December 18, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
Your e-mail should be short and sweet: "Was looking forward to seeing you last weekend; too bad it didn't work out. Here's my number; let me know if you want to hang out." Doesn't come on too strong, clearly not too overthought, but if she is interested, she'll get the idea, and hopefully get in touch. If she's not, she won't feel any pressure.
Disclaimer: Despite being married, I am bad bad bad at these sorts of situations.
The "drunk" thing was a little weird. In the future, best not to pressure her, even jokingly. Also weird that she didn't mention the punk show the following weekend.
posted by supercres at 5:58 PM on November 10, 2010 [10 favorites]