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How to respond to a Charlie the Unicorn when you can't take his freakin' kidney.
November 10, 2010 11:05 AM   Subscribe

Every week during Poetry Workshop, we write criticisms on our classmates' poems. This week, my friend handed me this. How can I retaliate next week?

A bit of backstory— it all started about a month ago when I added star stickers to the poems. This week, I switched to heart stickers and now he's gone and made a unicorn.
posted by yaymukund to Grab Bag (31 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
 
Draw him a puppy walking on his hind legs carrying a basket of kittens and walking on a rainbow made of bacon?
posted by AugieAugustus at 11:10 AM on November 10, 2010 [3 favorites]


It's time for chemical warfare. Perfume. Little girl, Rainbow Brite* K-Mart perfume, applied liberally.

* No doubt little girls aren't down with Rainbow Brite these days, but you know what I mean.
posted by dirtdirt at 11:10 AM on November 10, 2010 [1 favorite]


The only appropriate response is to draw a dinosaur (a "cool" one, perhaps denoted by a backwards cap and sunglasses) surfing on an asteroid.
posted by phunniemee at 11:11 AM on November 10, 2010 [12 favorites]


RAINBOW BRITE. And Teletubbies. And PedoBear.
posted by ShadePlant at 11:14 AM on November 10, 2010


Can't you critique his poem? I would either get a mad paint by the numbers dragon, OR send him a artistic critique of his work. Use your full vocab and send him a full page on why staying in the lines was an odd choice of for a neoclassical piece.
posted by Felex at 11:14 AM on November 10, 2010


I apologize in advance if that last bit is inappropriate... I've been slumming on FARK a lot lately.
posted by ShadePlant at 11:15 AM on November 10, 2010 [1 favorite]


Felex:

I should clarify: that's MY poem that he's marked up.
posted by yaymukund at 11:16 AM on November 10, 2010


(But your suggestion still applies!)
posted by yaymukund at 11:17 AM on November 10, 2010


I would attach a picture of David Bowie as Jareth the Goblin King, saying, "Poetry is MAGICAL!"
posted by Greg Nog at 11:18 AM on November 10, 2010 [5 favorites]


Could you fold it into an origami in such a way that his poem is still on the outside?

Alternately, fold it into origami, unfold it, then write directions on how to fold it back up?
posted by cabingirl at 11:21 AM on November 10, 2010


I would go the other direction and pretend to take it real personal. Just right "Fuck you, Steve*" on the bottom of your poem.

* Or whatever your friend's name is
posted by Think_Long at 11:22 AM on November 10, 2010


Go full-on high-school-girl collage. Tape the poem to a colored posterboard, surround it in glitter, cut out some cute phrases from Seventeen magazine, add a few photos of you and your friend and the poem (like, a scan of the paper, shrunken down and photoshopped in so you guys are holding it or it's someone's head or something), and title it YOU + ME + THIS POEM = BFF!! in bubble letters.
posted by Metroid Baby at 11:27 AM on November 10, 2010 [17 favorites]


Glitter. Lots and lots of glitter.
posted by burnmp3s at 11:28 AM on November 10, 2010 [1 favorite]


Um, hello, the correct response is obviously a ridiculously disproportionate picture of Justin Beiber.
posted by patronuscharms at 11:31 AM on November 10, 2010 [3 favorites]


*disproportionately huge
posted by patronuscharms at 11:31 AM on November 10, 2010


Or, to take it in a different direction, give it a black frame, add a caption, and turn it into a demotivational poster.
posted by Metroid Baby at 11:31 AM on November 10, 2010 [2 favorites]


No, no, no. You guys are approaching this all wrong. The only things you can counter unicorns, hearts and stars with are flames, bikini chicks (or trucker chicks), scorpions, guitars and muscle cars. Preferably combining all them, if possible. For example a muscle car with a airbrushed hood art of a bikini chick riding a flaming scorpion, while playing the guitar. With trucker chicks on the mudflaps.
posted by Joh at 11:38 AM on November 10, 2010 [6 favorites]


I would add macaroni art to Metroid Baby's suggestions.
posted by steef at 11:40 AM on November 10, 2010


Dinosaurs in spaceships. Glitter spaceships.
posted by endless_forms at 12:13 PM on November 10, 2010


Turn his poem into a mad lib.

The crafty suggestions are good, but having done this sort of thing in workshop (me and my classmates would write jokes to one another--or draw comics of each other), it works better if you can't see that something is up with the paper until you hand it back.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 12:15 PM on November 10, 2010


Glitter. Lots and lots of glitter.

Unsecured glitter, strategically placed in the folded poem.
posted by Lutoslawski at 12:23 PM on November 10, 2010 [6 favorites]


Enlist a child to draw a portrait of the two of you, in crayon, complete with labels ('Me,' 'Mommy') and a big yellow sun.
posted by shakespeherian at 12:28 PM on November 10, 2010 [1 favorite]


Steal from Bill Watterson and give him a picture of Tyrannosaurs flying F-14s. That was possibly the single most awesome thing that has ever appeared on the comics page.

No, we shouldn't steal from Watterson. It's not cool.

Draw a picture of an ogre holding the decapitated head of the unicorn. Underneath that write "Thag not like poem. Thag thinks metaphyiscal imagery sucks"
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 12:39 PM on November 10, 2010 [1 favorite]


*puts on glasses and black turtleneck; adopts squeaky Chermannn voice*

Perhaps you could find his next effort so vitiated, so limp and empty, so cold and lacking human warmth that you absentmindedly use it as a placemat. On wing night. With optional Cheetos dust, and maybe some chocolate pudding for dessert.
posted by wenestvedt at 12:58 PM on November 10, 2010


Maybe just a note that says the unicorn is supposed to be farting rainbows.
posted by CathyG at 1:04 PM on November 10, 2010


draw a large veiny cock on it. preferably with hairy balls.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:05 PM on November 10, 2010 [3 favorites]


Hello Kitty? combined with LOL cats? Also, return it to him folded like a highschool girl would...
posted by lemonade at 2:27 PM on November 10, 2010


First, email me your poetry.

Second, start a narrative--put the same unicorn in a situation that will lead to more unicorn hijinks. Give the unicorn a plot. Write creatively, which is what you're supposed to be doing anyway, mister.

Have fun!
posted by the young rope-rider at 3:03 PM on November 10, 2010


I would think 30 pages of Marxist critique would suffice.
posted by clockwork at 4:07 PM on November 10, 2010 [1 favorite]


Find one of those comic strips with the word balloons blanked, or better yet an example page of a comic book (maybe Buffy?). Put his poem _or_ your critique into the word balloons.
posted by amtho at 4:16 PM on November 10, 2010


Also, return it to him folded like a highschool girl would...

Fold it into one of those middle school who-am-i-going-to-marry things. (They are apparently called either "paper fortune tellers" or "cootie catchers", Straight Dope tells me.) Instead of fortunes, have each edge unfold into things like "trite", "cliche", "sentimental", "overwrought", etc.

Then fill the whole thing with glitter.
posted by Errant at 5:39 PM on November 10, 2010 [3 favorites]


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