Gay divorcee?

March 31, 2005 9:04 AM

I am a gay man who recently broke up with my partner of 15 years. I am about to head off to my 20 year high school reunion. I haven't seen any of my classmates since graduation. How should I refer to myself? Divorced? Separated?

Divorced seems more accurate, even though we were not actually married, since we were together for so long. But I don't want to be in an awkward, "Oh, I'm divorced...from a man, baby!" place either...any advice would be appreciated.

posted by Futurehouse to Society & Culture (21 answers total)

if you want to say you are divorced, then i say go for it. not very many marriages last 15 years.

i wouldn't say divorced, as i think that it is such a negative word , anyway.

but if you want to use it, i'd say you have earned yourself the right to use the title.

i would just be careful about putting that on any government form (of course).
posted by nickerbocker at 9:09 AM on March 31, 2005

"i recently split up (with my (long term) partner)" - that's what i'd say in the same situation, with brackets giving different levels of detail (in my case, the relationship is heterosexual, but we're not married and have been together 10 years or so). i get the impression that "partner" is becoming more and more acceptable - my parents (british) are quite happy to use it these days, even if it still confuses many chileans.

otoh if you want to use marriage/divorce for political reasons (fair enough; it's part of the reason i use "partner") - i think it would be ok to do so, but using partner is going to be more likely to avoid assumptions about wives.

or "i'm recently separated"?
posted by andrew cooke at 9:16 AM on March 31, 2005

sorry, missed that you'd already suggested "separated"
posted by andrew cooke at 9:19 AM on March 31, 2005

Forget the past. Refer to yourself as SINGLE!!!
posted by mischief at 9:30 AM on March 31, 2005

I am a lesbian and my friends refer to me as divorced from my partner with whom I lived for the last five years.

But for the reasons andrew cooke mentions I wouldn't use the term divorced in mixed company. It's confusing and I prefer to avoid that.

My usual is "I've just split from my significant other/partner/long-time girlfriend". That really says it all, I think.
posted by FlamingBore at 9:35 AM on March 31, 2005

'Recently separated' seems to me to be the best answer. Why? Because that's what you--or I--would most lkely be saying if we were heterosexual. The point being, a long-term relationship has ended, and the genders of the participants are supremely immaterial.

For what it's worth, and I hope this isn't misplaced, I'm sorry that it ended.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 9:36 AM on March 31, 2005

I'm with mischief - you're single. If you want to tell them about the past, that's cool, but then refer to is as, maybe FlamingBore suggests - a split from a long-term partner...
posted by benzo8 at 9:36 AM on March 31, 2005

On the usage of "separated": If there is hope that you'll get back together, this is appropriate, otherwise I'd avoid it.
posted by FlamingBore at 9:46 AM on March 31, 2005

Even if you were a divorced breeder, I wouldn't recommend referring to yourself as divorced. But the question only comes up in context, so if someone asks if you're married, you can say, that you're single and that you recently ended a long-term relationship. And that's all most people want to hear, anyway. Nobody wants to know about divorces of any sort, at least not anybody who hasn't seen you in twenty years.
posted by anapestic at 9:47 AM on March 31, 2005

Mentioning that you're separated seems like an invitation to discuss the matter in greater depth. Unless you want to talk about your personal life with people you haven't seen in 20 years, I'd go with single.
posted by SPrintF at 9:48 AM on March 31, 2005

Another vote with mischief.

However painful it is to come to terms with, you are single. Why draw attention to the past, however recent? Married folks don't say "I'm recently married" or "I recently stopped being single." They just say they're married.

If, for whatever reason, you want to draw attention to the past you can say "I recently broke up with my partner and am now single" or even "I'm recently single." Thats all that strangers need to know.

And FWIW, I'd say the same thing if your were straight.
posted by googly at 10:06 AM on March 31, 2005

I'm with mischief, you're not just single, but available! Who knows how many of your old classmates have come out of the closet in 20 years? (This assumes you're up for dating already and that you haven't really been keeping in touch with your old classmates, but still....)
posted by kimota at 10:06 AM on March 31, 2005

Single. Any mention of separation will get you lots of awws but stifles conversation about anything else. And what you probably need right now is to have fun at a party and not explain gory details and/or try to change the topic over and over. What SPrintF said.
posted by lorrer at 10:07 AM on March 31, 2005

I think I'd say I was single, but if people asked more questions, I'd just tell them that I had been with someone for 15 years until just recently. Those who really want to ask about it are probably the same ones who will have figured out that you're gay. Those who don't ask more don't need a further explanation, really.
posted by yellowcandy at 10:12 AM on March 31, 2005

Married folks don't say "I'm recently married"

Yes, they do. The word newlywed exists for a reason.

The difficulty I see with 'separated' is that separation seems a lot less final. But divorced implies the legalities of an actual divorce. What about something less rigid, like 'I've just split up with my partner/spouse/whatever you described him as while you were together.'
posted by jacquilynne at 12:28 PM on March 31, 2005

Best answer: Hmm, people here are telling you to say you're single because the past doesn't matter, but since you are going to a high school reunion it seems to me that it's not quite the same as talking to people you just met. You might well have an urge to descibe yourself in a way that accurately reflects not only your current status but conveys information about the interval of time since you last saw these people. At the same time you probably don't want to invite sympathy or discussion. So, I'd go with "I've recently ended a long-term relationship", or something closely akin to that as it seems to be a good compromise between those two instincts.
posted by orange swan at 1:34 PM on March 31, 2005

Response by poster: Wow. Thanks for all the great advice. Orange Swan is right on. This group of people has a strong connection with my past, and a reunion is the natural time to be answering those "what have you been doing for the last 20 years" type of questions. I think the "recently ended a long term relationship" answer, if it comes up, is the best way to go.

Something tells me that most of these people won't be that surprised that I am gay...heck, if I look back on my high school days, I am honestly surprised that ANYONE didn't know I was gay...but that's probably another post. Anyway, thanks for all the well-thought out advice.
posted by Futurehouse at 1:53 PM on March 31, 2005

I'm late to the party, but I just wanted to a) heartily agree with Orange Swan, and b) pass on my sympathies for the end of your relationship, Futurehouse.
posted by scody at 2:12 PM on March 31, 2005

You need to separate two issues here-- accurately representing your current and immediately-previous marital status and deciding whether or not to make sure these people, whom you haven't seen for 20 years, know you're queer. I would strongly support the latter, incidentally.

Best I can come up with is a phrase: "I'm single now. My boyfriend and I broke up n months ago after 15 years together."
posted by joeclark at 2:24 PM on March 31, 2005

I had a conversation with my mate last night about the importance of marriage and/or long term relationships. It actually started with Susan Serandon in that J.Lo/ Richard Gere/dancing movie.

She said something like, "To have a partner is to have a witness to your life." It's sad, but you don't have your witness. Move it on, maybe you'll find a new one there at your reunion! Go for it man. You're single and free.
posted by snsranch at 3:56 PM on March 31, 2005

I like the word partner and what it conveys. What I say to relatives I haven't seen in years and who ask about my marital status is, "Well, my partner died [nod, smile] a while ago. I've been working as a [fill in] and living in [fill in]. What about you?" If they want to know anything more, that's fine, as it's plainly my life
posted by goofyfoot at 1:34 AM on April 1, 2005