The fall-out after ending a "romantic" friendship / pseudo or quasi-relationship: it seems the effects are the same?
November 3, 2010 8:03 PM Subscribe
The fall-out after ending a "romantic" friendship / pseudo or quasi-relationship: it seems the effects are the same.
I tried so hard to 'wait out', be patient and de-evolve back as a regular friend for this girl but I couldn't do it. I could only see her one way.
**this was a response for a similar question, but I thought I'd post to gain more semblance on my particular situation.**
"should I end a pseudo-relationship?"
I would leave outright.
That's what I did 3 days ago, literally.
I met a woman at work 7 months ago whom I connected at every level when it came to banter, conversation, interests, and anything in between that would make for a fine foundation for a relationship. It didn't start that way, naturally. I first saw this as only friend material - but best friend material was also on the short list. That was the scary part. This woman could finish my sentences ... and this always bothered and intrigued me.
It started off simply. Going out for lunch, hanging out for work social events, etc. Then the socializing escalated: movies, dinner (including one where she invited me to her house where she cooked for me and really opened up to each other) which all eventually led to a foundation for being very close platonic friends. A few more dinners, movies, hanging out, long drives eventually led to one specific outing where she ended up spending the night at my place (she was tired, it was late and she lived far). She slept in my bed and I slept in the basement. Nothing happened. This eventually led to be a very frustrating evening for me after the fact because all I could think of were the what-ifs in this case. Should I have slept with her? Should have I tried? as there was quite a bit of intimacy, snuggling, etc that happened before we went to sleep. Long story short, I didn't sleep much.
Fast forward a few weeks. This is where the strangeness starts to happen. Text messages become more intense in terms of content, the phone calls begin to increase ... the proverbial "I called because I was thinking about you" content ... and so forth. We go out one night into the town to meet my friend who's celebrating a birthday at a downtown club. She's happy to come with me. On a random occasion, I grab her hand and clutch it tightly while crossing a street. BOOM! there is a spark. I felt it right there. She soon puts an offer to meet up for lunch with her brother (the only family she's got in town as her parents live in another province). I saw through this right away: family validation/acceptance ... I get it. I meet her brother and everything is dandy, we get along so inside I'm thinking I passed the big brother test. Soon after we leave lunch and he brother, she grabs my arm. And I'm thinking this is it. It's on.
That night, we got close. Very close, and ended up being intimate in every way besides sex. It was amazing and magical. And for the next week I couldn't stop thinking about her. I had fallen.
Then a turn ... She tried to shut the door on me and said she didn't want to give me so much hope. I of course wondered what the fuck was happening here because I thought everything was falling into place. I fought back, tried to win her again. So we tried again, this time as friends again the way we started, but we always fell victim to the 'relationship' things: holding hands, kissing, constant last calls ... most nights her voice was the last thing I heard before going to sleep. I was totally smitten by this girl ... but there was never a label, no acknowledgement ... it had become a quasi-relationship. She insisted it was a chemistry thing, a timing thing, a patience thing, a past-relationship thing ... very complicated. I tried to play the game for 2 more months and give myself and on-deman time line. Everytime I'd mention anything to escalate, the same thing would happen ... passion, passion, and more passion, and me more confused that day than the last. I was losing my mind.
Last Sunday, I left her house for the last time. I couldn't do it anymore. The pretending. Her indecisiveness, her insistence to keep this a platonic relationship but suffer to heart-felt moments at times. It was too much to bear for me. I wanted her to be in my life permanently as my partner. She was grey on the issue.
My last words were simply: "I hope if you finally find what you want, it's not too late." And I left.
Deep inside I want her to call me. But that seems unlikely given the way she is.
Leave. Yes, it hurts. And I still constantly think of her. But being with her hurt me too much. But healing will come.
Thanks for the chance to rant.
**this was a response for a similar question, but I thought I'd post to gain more semblance on my particular situation.**
"should I end a pseudo-relationship?"
I would leave outright.
That's what I did 3 days ago, literally.
I met a woman at work 7 months ago whom I connected at every level when it came to banter, conversation, interests, and anything in between that would make for a fine foundation for a relationship. It didn't start that way, naturally. I first saw this as only friend material - but best friend material was also on the short list. That was the scary part. This woman could finish my sentences ... and this always bothered and intrigued me.
It started off simply. Going out for lunch, hanging out for work social events, etc. Then the socializing escalated: movies, dinner (including one where she invited me to her house where she cooked for me and really opened up to each other) which all eventually led to a foundation for being very close platonic friends. A few more dinners, movies, hanging out, long drives eventually led to one specific outing where she ended up spending the night at my place (she was tired, it was late and she lived far). She slept in my bed and I slept in the basement. Nothing happened. This eventually led to be a very frustrating evening for me after the fact because all I could think of were the what-ifs in this case. Should I have slept with her? Should have I tried? as there was quite a bit of intimacy, snuggling, etc that happened before we went to sleep. Long story short, I didn't sleep much.
Fast forward a few weeks. This is where the strangeness starts to happen. Text messages become more intense in terms of content, the phone calls begin to increase ... the proverbial "I called because I was thinking about you" content ... and so forth. We go out one night into the town to meet my friend who's celebrating a birthday at a downtown club. She's happy to come with me. On a random occasion, I grab her hand and clutch it tightly while crossing a street. BOOM! there is a spark. I felt it right there. She soon puts an offer to meet up for lunch with her brother (the only family she's got in town as her parents live in another province). I saw through this right away: family validation/acceptance ... I get it. I meet her brother and everything is dandy, we get along so inside I'm thinking I passed the big brother test. Soon after we leave lunch and he brother, she grabs my arm. And I'm thinking this is it. It's on.
That night, we got close. Very close, and ended up being intimate in every way besides sex. It was amazing and magical. And for the next week I couldn't stop thinking about her. I had fallen.
Then a turn ... She tried to shut the door on me and said she didn't want to give me so much hope. I of course wondered what the fuck was happening here because I thought everything was falling into place. I fought back, tried to win her again. So we tried again, this time as friends again the way we started, but we always fell victim to the 'relationship' things: holding hands, kissing, constant last calls ... most nights her voice was the last thing I heard before going to sleep. I was totally smitten by this girl ... but there was never a label, no acknowledgement ... it had become a quasi-relationship. She insisted it was a chemistry thing, a timing thing, a patience thing, a past-relationship thing ... very complicated. I tried to play the game for 2 more months and give myself and on-deman time line. Everytime I'd mention anything to escalate, the same thing would happen ... passion, passion, and more passion, and me more confused that day than the last. I was losing my mind.
Last Sunday, I left her house for the last time. I couldn't do it anymore. The pretending. Her indecisiveness, her insistence to keep this a platonic relationship but suffer to heart-felt moments at times. It was too much to bear for me. I wanted her to be in my life permanently as my partner. She was grey on the issue.
My last words were simply: "I hope if you finally find what you want, it's not too late." And I left.
Deep inside I want her to call me. But that seems unlikely given the way she is.
Leave. Yes, it hurts. And I still constantly think of her. But being with her hurt me too much. But healing will come.
Thanks for the chance to rant.
This post was deleted for the following reason: I am sorry for this situation but there isn't a question in here. Maybe take some time to formulate one and post again next week? -- jessamyn
What is your question here?
Yes, it hurts when someone you have a crush on tells you that it's not going to happen (which is, in a nutshell, what happened to you). It will hurt for a while. Then it will start to hurt less. Eventually, it won't hurt much at all, and you'll notice other people, and hopefully one (or more) of them will notice you back. That will happen on its own, provided that you make an effort to move on with your life and don't obsess over this one person who doesn't want to be with you. I'm not clear what, beyond that, you're hoping to get from this "rant."
posted by decathecting at 8:08 PM on November 3, 2010
Yes, it hurts when someone you have a crush on tells you that it's not going to happen (which is, in a nutshell, what happened to you). It will hurt for a while. Then it will start to hurt less. Eventually, it won't hurt much at all, and you'll notice other people, and hopefully one (or more) of them will notice you back. That will happen on its own, provided that you make an effort to move on with your life and don't obsess over this one person who doesn't want to be with you. I'm not clear what, beyond that, you're hoping to get from this "rant."
posted by decathecting at 8:08 PM on November 3, 2010
Women are people, not things to be won. I'm not seeing a question here, either.
posted by Mizu at 8:08 PM on November 3, 2010
posted by Mizu at 8:08 PM on November 3, 2010
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posted by restless_nomad at 8:07 PM on November 3, 2010