After break-up, ex is confused. I'm not. Please help me with this.

November 3, 2010 3:02 PM

After break-up, ex is confused. I'm not. Please help me with this.

First off, thanks to all the folks who offer kind advice in relationship questions. No doubt it probably seems like a bit of a drudge some time.

I previously posted here:
http://ask.metafilter.com/166843/The-usual-and-good-response-to-relationship-questions-is-talk-about-it-Thats-not-so-easy-here

My (ex-)girlfriend returned. We had a very nice day with her family. She broke up with me the next. During the break-up, she mentioned that she was confused, had decided to break-up before returning, didn't want to string me along, didn't want to hurt anyone, felt like she had forgotten how it felt to be with me, didn't know what to do now. And of course many other things.

I really, really love this person. I stayed calm, didn't try to guilt her. I called several days later, no response. Shortly thereafter, she emailed me. A very long, sad letter. Told me again she loved me, but kept saying how upset she was for messing things up (?), and so on. Told me to go find the perfect person. I went to her house, we went for a walk. I told her I didn't want this mythical perfect person, we went for coffee, and talked about other things, mainly her trip. We kissed a couple of times though I didn't push the relationship issue.

Then I waited. Besides a couple of friendly texts, there hasn't been anything. Monday she e-mailed asking if we could get together this week for drinks to look at travel pictures (which I'd suggested on our first time together) and catch-up on our weeks. She's also starting a brand new career, out of school. Lucky lady, lots going on.

Thanks for reading, so far. What the hell can I do? Here's the issue: I don't want to be friends. I'm entirely willing to be patient as she gets used to being back home, getting into a routine. I'm happy to help her remember what she loved about me/us. All good. But it's a miserable situation for me: forcing myself not to call/contact, trying to play cool. I'm close with her mom (who lives elsewhere), too, and we e-mail, though I've cut that off for the most part.

So, please: suggestions on how to frame this, ways to think about it, stories of what has and hasn't worked. Can people "come around"? Am I a sucker?

What I want to do is be with her; I'm willing to, within reason, put myself in discomfort to give that the best shot. I've just usually been a very feelings-forward sort of guy, and this is new for me, trying to really be patient and understanding.

Your advice, as always, is appreciated.

I've left this un-anonymous, in case I can clarify anything.

posted by iftheaccidentwill to Human Relations (29 answers total)

Response by poster: Oh, I should add: We're going for the aforementioned drinks and catching-up, tomorrow. I don't have enough time to learn a nice Spanish guitar song to serenade.
posted by iftheaccidentwill at 3:03 PM on November 3, 2010

Hm. It doesn't sound as though it's an impossiblity that she'll come around. It must be very, very hard for you to wait patiently to see if she will, but it sounds as though it's the best thing you can do. Pushing her will push her away. But I'd advise you to be honest with her. Tell her that you'd like to be together and that you don't want to be just friends. And then wait. I'm sorry that the hardest answer is likely the right one, but if you really want to get back together with her and have a functional, stable relationship afterward, she needs to feel no pressure from you while still feeling that you're open and not hostile to her.

If you'd like a related anecdote, I can tell you that I've come around after breaking up with a boyfriend. I loved him but didn't think our relationship was working out. Several months later, when we weren't talking much but still had a pleasant relationship with each other, I found that my life wasn't better without him and that I wanted to initiate things with him again. What did he do to make that happen? He gave me time to miss him.
posted by pineappleheart at 3:13 PM on November 3, 2010 [4 favorites]

Unfortunately, my friend, she's giving all the signs of "nice girl" syndrome -- that is, she's not all that into you but is afraid to be blunt because that would not be "nice"; but at the same time, she enjoys the drama and the flattery of having someone who adores her around.

You need to ask her straight up what's up and if she wants to date you. Tell her just what you said here, "I don't want to be friends." And then if you don't get a clear answer, yes, you are a sucker for hanging around.

Another possibility might be that she hooked up with someone else abroad and feels guilty. You could ask her if that happened. That's actually probably the best situation for you -- it's possible she IS into you but just feels guilty. You could get past that.
posted by yarly at 3:14 PM on November 3, 2010 [5 favorites]

but if you really want to get back together with her and have a functional, stable relationship afterward, she needs to feel no pressure from you while still feeling that you're open and not hostile to her.

Yeah, I disagree with this. There's nothing healthy about waiting around on anxious and painful tenterhooks to decide if someone likes you or not. It's not good for either party, and even if you can somehow manage to pull that off without exerting pressure and she comes back, it's hard to see how it can form the basis for a stable relationship.
posted by yarly at 3:17 PM on November 3, 2010 [4 favorites]

Your ex may be sincere, and there is a real possibility that you can win her back. I think I've just given you the worst possible answer.

You could continue to play cool, or you could say that you're really not interested in anything more than a friendship and that sticking around is more painful than you can stand, then go no contact.

I don't think either choice is going to make you feel any better, but neither of them will completely destroy your chances of getting back with her.
posted by tel3path at 3:20 PM on November 3, 2010

Response by poster: I sort of thought about mentioning this, but didn't say it: I think there is a possibility she did hook up during her trip and does feel guilty. Definitely not something she's done before. If this is what happened, I can get past it. I would want her to know that, though I'd rather not look like a wimp. I'm not sure how to initiate that conversation, though.
posted by iftheaccidentwill at 3:22 PM on November 3, 2010

Yeah, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I have totally used the "you should go find someone perfect and better than me" as a twist of "it's not you, it's me".

There is nothing wrong with being willing to wait for someone to get their bearings -- in fact, it's pretty sweet -- but you're doing it based on nothing from her. She hasn't said that she needs time, she hasn't said that she might come around, and she hasn't really been very communicative. All she really has said is that she wants to break up and she's sorry.

In all honesty I think this is kind of a lost cause, but I can understand not wanting to give up. What I personally would do is just lay it out in a nice way: "I still love you, but being just your friend is too painful for me and not what I want. I am willing to wait a few weeks while you get your head together, but I need to know if there is any point in waiting." (Make sure you put a limit on the waiting time.)

Basically, go with your feelings-forward tradition!
posted by jess at 3:22 PM on November 3, 2010 [7 favorites]

The relationship is over - what you're getting out of her is the conflicting emotions that come with many breakups. If you try to string things along it will be like this until one day she says "I met this guy..."

Try to muster as much strength as you can to cut off contact, but don't beat yourself up too much when you inevitably give in on occasion. Eventually you will recover emotionally and meet someone else.
posted by MillMan at 3:24 PM on November 3, 2010 [4 favorites]

I'd just like to add why I still think there's a chance that this woman might genuinely be confused as to whether she wants to rekindle the relationship, even though I agree that the OP shouldn't hang around as a friend while waiting to see if she does: Would you ever contact someone you'd dumped to look at pictures with them? Because I wouldn't.
posted by pineappleheart at 3:28 PM on November 3, 2010 [1 favorite]

You are the convenient boyfriend until someone better comes along. That is all. Full stop.

Yes, it's possible that no one better will ever come along and she will stay with you forever. She will not be happy with you. You will know this, if only in your reptile hindbrain, and you will not be happy with her. You deserve better than that.
posted by Etrigan at 3:33 PM on November 3, 2010 [4 favorites]

Stop picking at it, you're forcing her to string you along! You two are currently broken up, so the hemming and hawing is code for "mind your own business." If you're honestly waiting for her to get her stuff together, the key is to wait. Anything else right now is "pushing the relationship issue." The way you wait is to leave the ball in her court and leave it at that. Also, what jess said.
posted by rhizome at 3:45 PM on November 3, 2010 [3 favorites]

it reads to me like she likes having you around to love at her, but she doesn't actually want to be in a relationship with you. Right now she's got a nice cake in front of her and you don't get any because you kind of are the cake, if you know what I mean.

nthing that she's being a "nice girl" and doesn't know how to break up with you without hurting you, plus as mentioned it's nice to have someone to gush at you - but you are not in a relationship and while she might come around, my gut says that it would be a couple of on-again-off-again short-term things before she finally found the person she's really looking for.

Just remember, relationships sometimes don't work out. It has nothing to do with how good either of you are, it's about how the edges of one person fit into the edges of another. It doesn't look like you two fit.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 3:47 PM on November 3, 2010 [2 favorites]

Am I a sucker?

Yes, but it's ok, everyone's been there.

Here's the thing, she broke up with you. She told you "I don't want to be with you" She said it. SHE SAID IT. Yet you love her and are willing to be still be there for.

Stop that. You're hurting yourself and she's helping you to hurt yourself by still seeking out your company and pulling you close to her. Of course your emotions are going to run wild, because you're still in love with her. But there's the thing, she's not in love with you. She's being selfish, in a way, putting her needs above yours, even when it's hurting you.

It's ok to still love someone who doesn't love you. But you have to still have love yourself, ok? You have to take care of yourself, because that other person who used to help you do that? They're not doing it anymore. They're fucking with your mental and emotional health, knowingly or unknowingly, it doesn't matter which, but it's happening. You know to put a stop to that and tend to your broken heart.

Cut off contact, be nice about it, no need to be ugly, but explain to her that if she's breaking up with you and you're still in love with her, well, you need some space, to let go of those feelings for her.

Good luck. You can get through this, it may be painful, but you can do it. But you gotta let her go if she wants to go.
posted by nomadicink at 3:51 PM on November 3, 2010 [7 favorites]

Response by poster: Thanks for all the responses. I will say this, in consideration, though: since the first break-up, I haven't said much of anything about how I feel. I didn't ask her out for drinks. She knows, I think, that I'm not going to be there to "gush to her". Also, she volunteered that she loved me. So, I think some people are being unduly harsh here, but that might be my skewed perspective. Thanks all the same, though.
posted by iftheaccidentwill at 3:56 PM on November 3, 2010

I know of exactly two relationships that resumed after something like this happening. One ended up in what seems to me to be a happy marriage (of three years' duration, so maybe too soon to tell).

I know of about sixty relationships where this kind of thing was just dragging out a breakup until it was unbearable to both parties and to all of their friends and families. At least thirty five of these were mine.

The odds that this will work out with you guys resuming a happy relationship are vanishingly small. Not zero, but vanishingly small.
posted by Sidhedevil at 4:09 PM on November 3, 2010 [2 favorites]

Life's short, waste no more time on it. Put the energy into finding someone new.
posted by wkearney99 at 4:12 PM on November 3, 2010 [2 favorites]

I recently went through something like this. Except it was my boyfriend back home who had the big change of heart while I was off traveling.

He said a lot of the same things your girlfriend has said when he broke up with me. We talked about Being Friends. I wanted to be friends. With the hope that we would seep back into our relationship, which was going great and had hit approximately zero roadblocks up to that time. The breakup was completely out of the blue as far as I was concerned.

Thankfully, he has been the one to stay away. I've contacted him a few times, and he's been friendly and polite, but we don't really hang out.

In my opinion, if your girlfriend is the breaker-upper, and she's the one who keeps wanting to see you, as long as you leave the ball in hear court, that's OK. If you still want to be with her, there's nothing wrong with her deciding she feels the same. Though I think it's important that you not beat around the bush and call it "being friends" when really the issue is that you want to be with her. You should let her know in an extremely frank way that, for you, hanging out with her is NOT about being friends post-breakup.

And then you should still be prepared for her to handle it horribly and send mixed messages and not want to be with you at all.
posted by Sara C. at 4:21 PM on November 3, 2010 [1 favorite]

You're going to do whatever it is you think feels right. Nothing anyone says is going to change that. Most people are saying what they say because, yeah, we've been there. I wouldn't have listened any more than you will now. The difference is that you're asking for advice.

The only advice I can give you is to do it with style. If unrequited love it is, then don't do it too tastefully. If it's true love, it will survive your mistakes, and hers. No matter how honourable and deserving you are, it won't make someone fall in love with you.

You're not going to listen to any of this. I wouldn't have, no-one saying this stuff would. Just remember, when you're feeling like an idiot for not listening, that you're no more an idiot that those idiots you asked for advice. You idiot.

Best of luck. You'll be ok.
posted by howfar at 4:23 PM on November 3, 2010 [12 favorites]

Look, go see the pictures with her then talk to her.

Give this a month and then if it doesn't seem to be going anywhere go about your business.

(Some people ARE confused. It's okay to see if she is one of them. I have BEEN the confused one in a relationship before, and hey, sometimes you just need time.)
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 4:23 PM on November 3, 2010 [2 favorites]

During the break-up, she mentioned that she was confused, had decided to break-up before returning, didn't want to string me along, didn't want to hurt anyone, felt like she had forgotten how it felt to be with me, didn't know what to do now... Told me again she loved me, but kept saying how upset she was for messing things up (?), and so on. Told me to go find the perfect person.

Those are very familiar words; I've spoken those words many times. That speech really means two things:

1. I really do still love you (or I love what we had) and, even though I've decided (1000000%) that I don't want to be with you romantically (love-you-like-a-brother), I need a bit of a transition period (I am super selfish and insecure and I don't know whether or not I can actually do better). In short: I want to have my cake and eat it too.

2. I am overwhelmed with guilt and (even though I know that dragging it out is rubbing salt in your wounds) I think that this is helpful for you. I'm really just being self(ish)less.
posted by Siena at 4:39 PM on November 3, 2010 [2 favorites]

'Hi ex that I broke up with after maybe fooling around. I've got this cake that I'm eating. It keep getting smaller. I'm confused! How can I have it but still eat it?'

No further contact.
posted by eccnineten at 4:46 PM on November 3, 2010 [4 favorites]

fuck her. never contact again.
posted by Ironmouth at 4:58 PM on November 3, 2010

Ironmouth, your advice seems mutually inconsistent.

OP, don't fuck here. And never contact her again.

Seriously, you don't want to "be friends" with her, so why go through the painful charade?
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:35 PM on November 3, 2010 [2 favorites]

I've read your post twice and I don't see anything in it that suggests she needs some time or is thinking of getting back together or anything like that. It really, really sucks, but she broke up with you and you should take her at her word that a breakup is what she wants.

As for getting together to look at pictures, I think you should tell her the following:
- You're not interested in being friends right now.
- If she decides she'd like to date you again at some point, she can feel free to call you and see whether you're still single and interested.

I'm really sorry :-(
posted by whitelily at 5:42 PM on November 3, 2010 [4 favorites]

It sucks to get dumped .. you lose someone dear to you, the future you envisioned disappears, your life gets discombobulated and your ego is shot in the process. It seems like the solution is to maybe fix it, to get back together ... and sometimes it is, but the longer you're in the place of trying to do that and it isn't happening the more you sell yourself short and lose your own self-esteem which you really need right now (and forever) ... so do yourself a favor and set some boundaries for yourself. Figure out how long you're willing to give this. What you're willing to do for this and stick to your guns. This way, you'll come out ahead no matter what.
posted by blueyellow at 9:20 PM on November 3, 2010

Shortly thereafter, she emailed me. A very long, sad letter. Told me again she loved me, but kept saying how upset she was for messing things up (?), and so on. Told me to go find the perfect person.

Red Flag. Totally. This is kind of like saying "I'm telling you to go find the perfect person so I can go find the perfect person." That was kind of the thing that stuck out at me.

Reading your other post in addition to this one makes me wonder what happened to her over there. A lot has changed in her life in a short period of time, she went abroad, she finished school and she's about to take charge of her life. Travelling can often open your eyes about the world and oneself, so I wouldn't be surprised if she had an epiphany of some sort and decided that being single/not being with you is more important at this stage in her life. I felt like my mid-twenties were a turning point as far as my outlook and attitude on life.

As for how to frame it in your mind from here on out, you guys are no longer in a relationship, working on the same path in life. You're friends now, on different paths. Let her decision stand and let her live her life as she wants. You should do the same (as she phrased it "go find the perfect person" or I would say, "go fulfill your life's goals, whatever they may be")

Let her dictate the pace of the friendship for now. If she doesn't call, then it should be pretty clear what her decision is about continuing a relationship with you after the relationship.
posted by p1nkdaisy at 9:43 PM on November 3, 2010

I didn't comment on your last question, but I did write half a response and then delete it. And the gist was that this was probably going to happen (I swear).

This woman seems like me. Assuming so: What makes sense to her in one context (yumm ice cream) makes no sense in another (Siberia!). Most people are like that, but I think some of us are much more interconnected to their place. Perhaps as a result, she has a high level of inertia. She transitions slowly. And in the meantime, it's uncomfortable, and everything feels wrong. (Ever go somewhere and feel like "I've walked into a screensaver?" Or like "how can people live like this? It is so fake!")

What's going on now parallels her discomfort when she first arrived there. When she got there, she felt uncomfortable and alienated from them. Then she was 100% there, and it came to feel real and right to her. She couldn't imagine how it felt to be at home. Now that she's home, she feels uncomfortable and alienated from everything, including you. "Forgot how to be with you" is a really good explanation.

Hard to say what will happen next, but it is certainly possible that she'll get used to being home, and being with you will completely make sense again. Your best strategy is to be open and non-pressuring while giving her space. Don't give her an ultimatum now while she's still in culture shock. Looking at travel pics at her invitation is actually a brilliant next step. I'd listen to her with the knowledge that there's something about life there that felt really True and Right that she is missing here. Really listening could help her feel less alienated in this new place. Good luck!
posted by salvia at 9:43 PM on November 3, 2010

You're on the hook and you gotta bounce.

You won't, and that's not a bad thing, because this is something you can only learn from experience. I don't blame you; I don't think anyone could.

My only suggestion is to start laying the foundation now for the support network you're going to need a little bit down the line. Start reconnecting with friends you haven't seen in a while. Put happy movies in your Netflix queue. That sort of thing.

Good luck.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 7:17 AM on November 4, 2010 [2 favorites]

She is stringing you along while she is getting used to to the idea of being single. It is possible that this will eventually come around to the way you want it, but if I were a betting man I would bet heavily against that.

You and her both need time away from this, no communication, not pining over her, just live your life, and focus on your happiness. I know that is sucks and is painful, but I can promise you that "being there for her" is not going to work out for you. Just start seeing other people, try to get past this emotionally, and I would think that your odds of getting this one back (should you still be interested at that point) will improve.

In short, RUN AWAY!
posted by BobbyDigital at 7:36 AM on November 4, 2010 [1 favorite]